Teen Parenting

The best book on parenting a teen is "The Age of Opportunity" by Paul David Tripp. When our kids get to this age, we sit them down (in a calm moment, not as a lecture in the heat of battle). We talk to them about changes that are happening, and that these are signs that they are becoming independent. We focus them on God and His authority in our lives, and remind them that He has placed US (the parents) as the authority in the home. We tell them that they may not always like what we say/do or agree with it, but it is their job to be respectful, honorable, and if they have a differing opinion, we will discuss it...BUT, they may not always like the answer. We always turn their hearts back to God. We always make sure that we don't get into screaming matches with them, but give everyone a few minutes to calm down and then my husband (sometimes I go too) goes to talk with them in a calm/rational manner. One thing you have to understand is that a teen thinks they know it all, but they have no real rational ability...what a challenge! Before the next battle, sit down with her, tell her what you expect, tell her what will happen next time she becomes disrespectful (take the phone away, or something that she will miss and stick to your guns), and then expect a few challenges until she knows you are serious. Tell her that if she thinks she wants to act like an adult, then she'll have to have more adult responsibilities too. Increase the chore load, remind her that she is setting an example for younger siblings, but then also increase privileges...BUT only if she is respectful and compliant. If you haven't gone through Dr. Dobson's "Preparing for
Adolesence" materials...it's not too late. That and the book I mentioned before helped us have very little turbulence through the teen years in our home. If she hasn't yet started her period, start to mark dates when she is most cranky. It may start to fall into a pattern. Take her out for mom/girl time. Have dad take her out too. It does get better, but not by accident. It's quite a job! :-)

Which one of you is the grown-up? You're teaching your child how to treat you, and she's passing on the message to the two other children who live in your house. She's treating you like dirt, and you're letting her get away with it. That has to stop. Talk to her and explain which behaviors she won't be getting away with anymore. When she's doing something right, take the opportunity to remind her that she's capable of good behavior - praise the good times. If she continues to be grouchy and inappropriate, take the battery away from her cell phone and hold it until she completes a list of tasks to earn it back (be nice to younger siblings, fold laundry, unload dishwasher). If she doesn't bother or continues to be a "beast", call the cell phone company and have the texting feature removed or blocked. Add chores to the list of items she must accomplish to earn back privileges. Kids NEED to hear the word "no" from time to time. They need to learn that they're NOT adults. They need to learn these lessons before they get fired from a job because their boss didn't like the way he/she was treated during a "beastly" outburst. You're not doing her any favors by letting her get away with this kind of behavior. If you're not willing to enforce ground rules, the world will eventually hand her a cosmic spanking she can't easily recover from someday. The first few times are difficult to enforce, but once you reel in some control, it gets easier. If she starts to come around, reward with small items - a new pair of earrings, some flip-flops, a new t-shirt, some lip gloss. Not only will you be reinforcing good behavior, but the trip to pick out the item will give you some time together. You've got to be the adult in this situation and assert some authority. Believe it or not, she'll grow to appreciate the boundaries. Out-of-control kids aren't happy, no matter what they might tell you. Get a backbone, Mom. You're going to need it for the next 5-10 years minimum. Be prepared to hear, "I hate you." It hurts your feelings, but it's a sign of a job well done.

Remember, Romans 8:28; Prov. 3:5,6; Phil: 4:4-8, 13 & 19.
Surrender Your life totally to the Lord, daily. Claim the promises. Lift your daughter in prayer constantly. Love her unconditionally; set your boundaries and stick to them. Remember, you're the adult; you're in charge. Right now, she knows everything and you know nothing. Trust me, that will change. She's 13 now in 5 years or less she'll thank you and seek your wise advice. That may seem like forever, but it really isn't.

P. P.

I am a 64, mom of 5, and grandma to 11 wonderful grandchildren. God is good; He never gives us more than we can bear. Count it all joy, and be blessed.

a book any parent should read
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"when me and my mother can't be friends, resolving the most complicated relationship of your life" by: victoria secunda

best to read before you wish you had.... it's a tool for any parent

Sounds like my little sister (I'm 35, mom accidently started over again). I threatened to put her over my knee because of the way she was talking to our mother. Do you go to a church that has teen classes/camps? Might be a good experience for her to learn what her boundaries "should" be, and help her realize when she oversteps them. Hopefully, the other kids in the classes could set a positive examle for her too. Good luck :} I hear they grow out of it eventually...

My stepson is nearly 12, so I can relate to your struggles. *whew!* I just finished reading a book called Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. It's a fantastic book, and I think it could really help in your situation.

Kevin Leman, Kevin Leman, Kevin Leman. I LOVE his books. Also, I think the Boundaries series has one for parents of teens. And I heard of one on a Focus on the Family broadcast this week that sounded excellent called "One Tough Mother" by Julie Ann Barnhill. You can go to the website, www.family.org, and find the broadcast archive for 6/5/08 and 6/6/08 for the broadcast she's on. It's excellent, about owning your authority as a mom. You can even download any of their broadcasts for free to listen to later. I'm going to burn them to a cd to listen to in my car.

Well, I went through the teens also. But my problem did not start until late 16. I had a son. I had always disciplined properly. He was also out of the public school and in a Christian through school yrs. I believe being out of the public school helped me. My friends were having the same problem I had with my son at late 16 and their sons were 12 and 13. You have to let them know that you will not except disrect from them. You are the parent and your rules are for their safety.

When my son would say all the kids are getting such and such I would reply Not all because you are not.

If you are having trouble with phone remove it from her position. You are resposible for her safety. Hang in there there really is life after teens.

At 18 when my son moved out I refused to pay his bills. The day they can make all their own decisions they are also responsible forthemselves M. W

PS my son just turned 31 and has just excepted I have a life.

While you're reading, check out Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman's Battle and/or Every Young Woman's Battle. I've read the second, very good.

Also, check out Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle (I'd suggest this first). It might sound strange, but the "method" he suggests is great for both boys and girls. Read it, then use one of the "girl" books for "doing book" as the author calls it.

Also, check out John Rosemond's book on parenting teens. He's got some awesome suggestions. I highly recommend him.

We've got 11 y.o. twin boys who are driving us crazy right now. And they are mostly around "Christian" kids!

I hate to say it but "join the club". I have a 14yr old daughter and I do not recognize this child at all. She challenges everything I say, she doesn't listen at all and is mean to her 6yr old little sister. I am at my wits end too. So sorry I don't have any new amazing advice other than just keep trying, keep parenting, set limits and keep praying. Good luck!

I took some advice from a wise friend, when I had issues with the phone my daughter was given by a relative. He said, "You are the boss. Take it away." When I said I was afraid she would get mad, he said, "Your mother never made you mad?" I took his advice and I am so glad I did. If she doesn't act the way you want her to act, why should she have the privilege of the phone?

All I can say is what you are going through with her is perfectly normal! She's a teenager, and its like they turn into some completely different human being. I don't have any teenage children myself, as I'm only 24 years old, but I remember thinking my parents knew nothing and I knew everything throughout my teenage years. I was self-absorbed and always thought my parents were wrong, and "hated" them for disciplining me. I just want you to know that the teenage years are hard, but just continue to stay involved and be a part of her life, have rules and enforce them, she may say she "hates" you throughout these teenage years, but trust me, when she gets a little older and a bit more mature she'll love you and respect you more for all of it! Your relationship will change once again and that alien you thought you were raising during the teenage years will turn out to be a wonderful young woman! Good luck! I hope this helps!

Ok, This is just my opinion. I do not have a teenage daughter (mine will barely be 2 in July,) however, I do have a 15 year old little sister, and I was once 13. The main reason my parents and I didn't get along at that age was because my parents seemed to think that I was too young to know anything. I am not by any means saying thats what you do, however, every teenage girl I know says thats the main reason they don't like their parents. I know personally as a parent, I want better for my child than what I had, and I also realized that although we as parents have "been there, done that", it doesn't stop your child from doing it. The only advice I have for you, is to really listen to your child. Listen to her wants and desires. If she wants to up and move to New York at 18 (although you think it is the craziest idea ever), support her in that. Make sure that she knows that her opinions and wishes count. Also, the phone thing, teens conspire until they get their own phones. When I was 13, my BF and I would sit on the phone for hours and not necessarily talk, but be on the phone just because I knew my dad would eventually get mad and get me my own phone line. and he did!! My little sister did the same thing. Good luck and God Bless.

Hey S.! I recommend the Pearls too! Micheal and Debbie Pearl! It is "sound" scripture based teaching of how to "train" your children up in the way they should go! Your job is to train and know that when she is old she will not depart from it! I have been asking the Lord, "what happens between train them up and old??????????" lol! Read the book: To Train Up A Child. Pray over it, have your husband read it. He should be the displinarian when he is home. Just keep doing what you are suppose to be doing and stand on God's promises!
Blessings!
T.

A book that helped bring balance into my life was: "Have you hugged your teenager today" I think I walked around with a frown on my face!

Also, when things got stressed, we would play a game like Jinga, and we would forget our problems.

I also got a corny joke book and would ask corny jokes - that lightened up the situation.

We were a blended family and it was STRESSFUL. My son was happier when he turned 16 and got a job and could work. Money was a BIG motivator for my son.

But don't buy them a car and put it in their name - you lose lots of control. Let him drive a family car and need you!

I don't have a teenager, but there is a parenting message board that I like to visit that has a "teen parenting" forum. You should check it out.
www.mothering.com/discussions

funny how they change as soon as they hit 13 lol.. my daughter did as did her older sisters..my daughter now is 15 and ya she is sassy to me and back talks and always has to have the last word and the constant challenge just to ask about her day wow imagine that lol..but she doesn't do it when her dad is around funny how that works..but I did find thru my older daughters in this age group the only thing they live and breath for is their friends and the phone and comp. it is always about them they seem not to see much more going on around them than that:) I have come very close to taking her phone away which is her life line haha but she snaps out of what ever personality she is in and comes back down to earth and is great for awhile..have taken comp away a few times seems to work cause she is cut off from her friends who live in the comp. lol and having gone thru this a few times with my 3 older kids which didn't get cell phones until they had a job and a car just to be safe..it does get easier seems to be around 18-19. we got our 15 yr. old a cell phone to keep in touch and know where she is but she aslo works at DQ and pays for most of it but not all of it..the reason why we got it is cause in High school I can't reach her and they don't like to take messages for them so if I can't pick her up or something has happed I leave her a voice mail which she checks sometimes at lunch and after school and she unlimited text which is great cause that is about all she does but on occasion she has downloaded music and that costs her a few pennies so she is learning not to do that lol..Good luck and I still wonder on some days who is this kid and can I have mine back please..lol

I think a cell phone is a great gift ... I could call my kids and check up on them and they knew they better answer! BUT when they got the phone they had rules to follow... Let her know you are still the boss give her smiple rules to follow and don't change them on her... repeat your rules over and over when she is not following them. AND it helps to remember what it was like when you were her age. IT WILL GET BETTER!! AND one day you can be friends! Mom of 3 girls (out of the house) and one 16 year old son. B.

S.,

I don't have a teenager yet but there's one source I respect and that's the writings of the Pearls. I'm sure what they would say is #1, get rid of the phone and #2, put her to work. If she's got enough energy to be disrespectful then she's got energy to clean house, mow the lawn, etc. Look up "No Greater Joy" to see what I mean.

K.

What's going on is mormal. My daughter developed a smart mouth in her teens (although I must confess that she gotit from me), and challenged the rules. I listened to her reasons for thinking certain rules were unfair, and sometimes I agreed to alter them, and sometimes not. If not, I always explained to her my reasons. I have never thought that "Because I said so." was a valid response to "Why?"
In her teens, I began giving her more privileges as she showed herself ready for them, and also took them away when she stepped too far out of line.
We added her to our cell plan for her 15th birthday, telling her exactly how many of the shared minutes were hers, and letting her know up-front that we would be tracking her calls online. If she went over her minutes, she would lose her phone. If she was using the phone during school hours or after bedtime, she would lose it. She started tracking her own minutes in a notebook and telling her friends to only call her after 6:30 unless it was for homework issues so that most of her calls were covered under free nights and weekends.
The only time she really stepped out of line big time was when she was 16 and asked to borrow my car to go spend the night with a girlfriend, and went to her boyfriend's house instead, without his parents knowing she was there. She lost not only her driving privileges, but also her phone and internet privileges for a month for that stunt, and that was the end of her sneaking around.
She is now 18, she and her fiance have their own place, are both working full-time while going to school, paying their own bills, and I couldn't be more proud of her.

Welcome the the world of teenagers. I have a 14 year old son. He is the say way. I say pick you battles. I was hitting a dead end no matter where I turned and wanting to ground or beat him every second of the day. I stopped asking so much questions and sat back and watched. He is still a teenager but it has become better. I also make sure he is in church. It helps. He knows he has no choice. At least I know he is getting a good word into him everyweek. So when he is out there by himself I pray he makes the right decision. Bring a child up in the way he should go and he will not depart from it. But you still don't let them do what they want. you have a right to ck anything you want of theirs. They have no rights. You pay for everything. Just ck her phone everyonce in a while and ck he my space make sure she is on the right track. I tried to be the friend at first and that doesnt work. So I did sit him down and have a talk with him, I told him things] werent working and if he wanted my respect this is what i expected of him. We did come to agreement and things have been better. He does know at anytime things can be stripped away if the rules are not followed. And just sitting around being mean doesnt cut it. One book you can get is 5 love languages of a teenager by Gary Chapman. Maybe she even needs some one on one with you. I do try and spend just some one on one with my son and at first he didnt know about it but he seems to like it.

I think we went through this stage early. Two years ago my daughter seemed to hate me, and I wasn't too fond of her either. Now we get along fine.
I think you should stick to your guns, lay down the law, and take away privileges (like the phone) when she steps out of line too far.
On the other hand, help her choose and live up to her own responsibilities, activities that enhance her feelings of independence in a positive way, give her self-worth, and help her find her strengths. Also try to keep her focused on long-term goals. It is easy for kids to get caught up in social life to the extent that they forget things like college.
I found this was easier for us because we homeschool, so negative social influences were minimized, family bonds were more important, and my daughter found something she loved (music) early. But schools and churches offer many good outlets and opportunities for young people's energies and talents.

S. P,

Please let me know what you do and maybe it will help me. I ask myself all the time, "What happened to that sweet little boy.."
I keep trying to think what I went through as a teen and boy are times different. Another thing, it is so hard to let them go and let them grow up. That's the hardest for me.
All I can do is pray and hope that what we have instilled in him will be there when the time comes for him to choose the right thing to do.
My sister read "The Strong-willed Child" by James Dobson. She said it was awesome.

Sit her down and tell her that you respect her induviduality. Tell her that she still has boundaries though and explain why (she still lives under your roof and actualy has responsibilities, this is one of the most important transitions of her life and she will need you to guide her through it, and the ever popular you have been there even though she probably won't believe that). She is old enough to reason so be direct. Let her ask questions and get real answers. Let her know you will be her friend when ever you can, but it is your duty to be her mother. Tell her she has lots of friends; she only has one mother. One day she will know what that means. Remember also cell phones are privlidges not constants even if they come as a gift (you may want to have her turn it off for family time for an hour+ a day). You will have to have this talk multiple times, and you also may have to schedule a specific family time once a week with either an actiivty or talking just to catch up on what everyone is doing. Hope this helps.

Hi S.,

WELCOME! Welcome! welcome! To the wonderful world of "Forget it Mom, You're an adult, you'll never understand." LOL And don't forget the wonderful eye roll, with any sound advice we try to give them. LOL
I'd like to say it'll get easier but more than likely you're stuck in the same boat as most of us. Gee whiz, I NEEEVER had an attitude with my parents when I was a teen. LOL I guess the saying "You reap what you sow", plays a huge part in our lives as we get older. LOL Good luck, T. S