I Think My 13 Year Old Hates Me. HELP!

shes at the age she is trying to find her independence. remember it takes 2 to argue. QUIT BUYING HER EVERYTHING this is why she acts like a spoiled brat is because she is. make her respect you to get something she wants. you cant buy her love you have to earn her love by telling her no.
she may say she doesn't care if you take this stuff away but trust me she does. also sounds like you 2 may be a little too much alike. (this statement is not meant to be rude) when a parent and a child are too much alike they don't get along. :)

Hi S.
I completely agree with Marda and could not have put it better myself. Good luck and Hang in there if you work on it things will get better.

I think you try too hard. Don't worry so much about giving her everything. Let her earn a few privileges. Also, don't worry so much about what she thinks about you. My son is 11 and I know he loves me. It doesn't always mean he's happy about some of the choices I make. He's a great kid, but there's a few choices he's made I'm not crazy about either. He knows I'm his Mom and not his friend. I'm here to do what I feel is best for him and sometimes he's not going to like it. Sometimes he needs an attitude adjustment and I'm more than happy to adjust him if his ego over inflates itself. Once he's over being mad, he loves me all the more. He does not have a cell phone, or a TV in his room, or a laptop or even a gaming system. He gets every book he asks for because he's a straight A student and he NEVER argues about helping me or chores. He knows his behavior and hard work earns it.

I've only read your first sentence and have 2 comments. It's her job as a 13 yo to hate you. lol And, you are making a big mistake going out of your way to make her happy. You are her mother and your job is to ready her for life as an adult. Her happiness is her responsibility. Your responsibility is to give her a normal life while teaching her that life has requirements and consequences when she doesn't meet those requirements.

Yes, you are concerned for her happiness and it is your responsibility to make it possible for her to be happy but it is definitely detrimental to you, her and your relationship to go out of your way to make her happy. This gives her a sense of entitlement which then does cause her to be unhappy when she doesn't get everything she wants whether is is physical goods or always her own way in doing things.

I suggest that she is a good kid because others do have boundaries with her. She knows where she stands with them. She knows what they expect and knows the consequences of her misbehavior.

I've struggled with boundaries my whole life. It took me at least a year as an adult to even understand what boundaries were. Your daughter is acting out because she needs boundaries. She needs to know that you won't go out of your way to make her happy. She needs to know where she begins and you end. I suggest that you find some counseling to help you develop boundaries for yourself and with her.

In the meantime here are some basic issues. Do not buy her everything she asks for. You decide what is appropriate for her to have and what will fit into your budget. Develop a plan so that she works for some of the things that she wants. This is where some rules will come in handy.

You decide what sort of behavior you are comfortable with. You write down a list of chores that you expect her to complete. Then you talk with her about these and be willing to make some compromises. Let her choose a set number of chores to be completed by a certain time. Depending on how difficult the chores are 3-5 is a good number at this age. Examples are everything from making her bed every morning to doing the dishes, vacuuming, etc.

Also you decide on what values you want her to learn. Values are such things as honesty, respect. Respect is an important one because it includes such things as speaking in a respectful tone of voice. Doing what one's parents asks them to do without talking back. Many of the behaviors with which you're dealing is related to respect.

First you have to respect yourself. Do you put up with her behavior because you suspect you're not worth as much as she is and therefore deserve to be talked back to? This, appears simple on the surface but it is not. Took me years, and I'm still working on it, to realize that I'm a really good person and deserve to always have respect.

Going along with that is the idea that because I deserve the respect I do not need to get angry in order to get respect. Respect is a fact of my life. If my child is not respectful they must leave my presence until they can be. I tell them this in a calm, matter of fact tone of voice. "Go to your room until you can speak respectfully to me."

I think that one reason I used to yell alot is that unconsciously I felt that I had to convince them that they needed to respect me. I don't have to convince them because there is a consequence to them for being disrespectful. The consequence will either convince them or not. If it doesn't they keep getting the consequence. They have a choice. Respect or not. No matter what they do or don't do, I deserve respect. This forms a boundary between the two of us.

Often the fights we have with our kids is about that boundary. We are defending the boundary and taking on the responsibility for the child to acknowledge it. We don't need to defend it. The boundary is there and it's up to the child to learn that the boundary is there and you will not change it.

I suggest that your daughter is constantly testing to find out where your boundaries are. I suspect that you frequently do not know yourself where they are because you are focusing on making your daughter happy instead of helping her to be an independent person, separate from you, who knows what is expected of her and what the consequences will be if she doesn't come close to meeting those expectations.

I empathize with you. I went thru this with my daughter. It's a miserable place in which to be. And it does take some serious work on the part of the parent to dig out of the hole. The work is painful but worth it.

"I buy her everything that she asks for but she argues w/me about everything"
sounds like she argues because that is how she gets things.

But...that is just how it sounds. I don't know what else goes on.
Was the therapist just for her alone, or for the two of you together? It should be the latter.

I am certain that she loves you, it is only that you trigger each other's emotions.
Change the rules. Don't repeat yourself. Tell her that you love her very much and you also love yourself, so you are not going to allow yourself to be treated this way any longer. Tell her these are the new rules: you are going to tell her things ONCE, and no more, and she needs to act or there will be consequences. Maybe even print it and post it on the wall. Choose your expectations carefully according to their importance, make sure they are specific and reasonable, not just pet peeves of yours, but things any parent would expect (like chores, room clean). Then if she doesn't act, follow through with a big consequence that will matter to her. Do it for everything. If she tries to yell or negotiate, walk away. Don't negotiate, or yell back , or repeat yourself, just shrug your shoulders and say, "New Rules". She'll catch on that you are serious, and that her old tricks are not going to work any longer.

I am certainly no expert :) However, I have successfully raised 2 girls (now 21 and 20) and currently have a 13 yr old girl. First, she doesn't hate you! In fact, she loves you more than anyone else in your life - she is so certain of your unconditional love that she knows she can do just about anything and you will still love her. That being said, stop trying to "win" her love :)

Second, no more yelling - under any circumstances. That is tough, I know, I am a yeller myself. Some kids just do not respond to yelling - they can tune it out completely!

Third, take away the cell, the laptop and the TV (or disconnect the feed to it). She should be earning those things - not having them given to her because of some perceived sense of entitlement. She does care when you take them away - but by acting like she doesn't, you just give them back sooner or stop taking them away altogether thinking it isn't going to help anyways. She is no dummy :)

Fourth, make sure that you are not blurring the line between friend and mom. I know that you want to have a good relationship with her - just make sure that you are correctly defining it.

As far as a plan of action, I would start with taking all the "goodies" away. Then calmly tell her how she can win them back - write it down if you need to. She is going to yell and scream - ignore it and send her to her room. She can come out when she is ready to discuss this like a rational person. Create a chart of how long it will take her to earn the items back and what constitutes "being good." There is nothing wrong with her disagreeing and even getting upset about something with you, but I'll bet you know the difference between being disrespectful and having a disagreement. Keep the chart in a visible place and if she screws up, move the peg back 3 days. She WILL get it if you are consistent, I promise.

She is going to make the argument that she needs the cell for safety reasons and the laptop for homework. She is an honor roll student - I'll bet that she knows where the local library is to do her homework and I'll bet that since her priviliges are going to be reduced until this is over, she can come up with a way to get ahold of you until she earns it back.

Teenage years are tough but don't fall for the "well, she's just being a teenager" thing - respect and good communication are things that are earned and learned, teaching her the skills now is a great idea :)

Good luck!

"..she has a cell, a laptop, a giant tv in her room. I buy her everything that she asks for but she argues w/me about everything, " Sounds like YOU created a spoiled brat...so yes, you will be the one she will argue with.

The good news is, she loves you, the bad news is, you can't change her... you can only change yourself. What ever you did before lead to this behavior. You have to start all over again. Be her mom, not her best friend and not her bank account. And yes it will get worse for a while and you will have to hold your grounds to recreate a good and respectful rapport with your daughter has her mother.

It's doable... not fun, but doable!

I'm not reading all the other posts and I hope I don't come across as rude, but I think my mom felt the same way when I was 13, she referred to me as the devil child at points.... so, here goes...

You can't buy your daughter's love or respect. There is no reason a 13 year old needs her own laptop or a big screen TV in her BEDROOM. Those are things that she should have to earn and by that I mean BUY HERSELF... or at least have to pay for some, kind of like a car at 16. If you give the brand new car she learns nothing about earning and taking care of what she had to work for. My parents didn't give me HUGE things that I wanted, but they definitely gave me most of the stuff I wanted, clothes, toys, games, money for fun, etc... and I had the same attitude toward them. I would yell I hate you and slam my door when I didn't get things my way. We did family counseling and individual counseling and it didn't work either, I saw 2 different ones too.
Here is my advice from the KIDS perspective.... Invest in her life! spend just you and her time doing something SHE enjoys. Get to know what makes her tick. Talk to her about life AFTER you develop a solid relationship because if you try too early she will think you are just prying in her life and "hate" you more. But most of all, stop buying her everything she wants, those things will only temporarily make her happy but in the end you aren't investing in anything that will last.
Check out the book Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leeman. it's a GREAT book... I've read it for my 6 1/2 year old daughter and it's helped. Good luck and remember to stay connected with a good support group of friends to encourage you and build you up through all of this or you will crumble!

Yup, half of it is her age. My daughter is 13 and I am convinced she hates me to. She seems grumpy all the time, she has to be reminded 50 times to do her chores . . . . . . . . ahhhhh welcome to the teenage years!!
I would start by taking her out for a soda and sit down with her and have a talk. Tell her how you feel about your relationship with her and where you want it to be. Then, its time to lay down the law! (so , you need to think about this before you go)
Chores - this was our biggest issue. I would yell , she wouldn't do it ...blah, blah blah- the normal. With the biggest goal in mind being to make my relationship better with my daughter, I came to a compromise. I made it plain what her daily chores were, keeping in mind she is in school , I lightened her chore load. I told her that I will no longer get angry when she does not remember to do her chores AS long as she doesn't get angry when I remind her 50 times. Thus, a fight over chores was eliminated. I noticed immediately that some of the tension between is was lightened. She may not do her chores the second I remind her, but for the most part she is doing them. (I realized that some of my demand for her to do them immediately was part of a control issue I have).
CLEANING THE ROOM - When they say to pick and choose your battles, this is one battle I chose to not fight on a daily basis! You want a messy room - that's fine! No food or drinks are allowed out of the kitchen, so the only mess is her clothes. NOW, with that being said, the rule is this: If the room isn't clean and tidy, then don't ask for a sleepover, don't ask for the mall, don't ask for a new pair of shoes . . . . . JUST DONT ASK!

Respect - When my daughter and I are in a conversation and she starts to get out of line with her mouth, I simply hold up a finger like to say "one minute" and I remind her to watch her tone of voice. I tell her she can express herself in a respectful manner. Since I am not yelling at her, she usually responds by trying a different was of expressing herself.

There is no getting around the teenage years. I have one more bit of advice and that is you may want to stop trying to "buy" your way into a better relationship with your daughter. This is not going to help in anyway!

Be firm with her, demand respect, and stick to your guns. There should always be consequences for bad decisions. But remember the most important thing is to communicate and try to help her find ways of expressing herself to you appropriately.

Good luck

She is only 13 and has more stuff then me! I don’t even have a T.V. in my room let alone a laptop! LOL =-) Then again neither does my daughter.

My daughter is younger but if it were my daughter behaving like that, I would take all those things away from her so fast it would make her head spin! =-)
I know you are asking for advice from Moms who have experience with this but I just wanted to say, please don't feel stupid! I'm not there yet with my pre-teen but know I will be. They all test limits at some point or another. You are not alone!

You need to stop trying to make her happy and you need to start being her parent. "I buy her everything she asks for"... Why should she clean or her room, if she wants a new pair of jeans, you'll buy it for her. She doesn't need to "work" for it.

My daughters have ipods, cell phones and laptops and they come with rules that include respect and chores. You may think that by taking away these items or grounding her that she doesn't care, but she does. And if you know she doesn't care then the punishment is not enough. Take away something that is of value to her. Take it away for a long period of time, a day or two doesn't do any good. Ask my daughter how she felt when I canceled her sleepover birthday party.

Also, my husband and I both punish our children together. We also both reward our children together.

Kids have a lot of pressure at school. The rules seem to be getting more and more ridiculous, the class size larger and larger, they have no personal space and the good students are often punished along with the bad students. When they get home they need to release. They know I understand this and will often say "I know you had a bad day at school, why don't you take a break for an hour, but after that I need you to...."

Good luck.

Take the luxuries away and make her work for what she does get. She can do lots of chores and maybe she will realize her lifestyle is something to appreciate. My teenage daughter is now in college but she always had to work for everything she got. It puts a lot of things into perspective. Sometimes life can be the best teacher and all you need to do is let her experience some real life.

I agree with everyone who said you've given her too much. It also sounds like you have difficulty saying "no." I strongly suggest you read the book "NO: Why kids-of all ages-need to hear it, and ways parents can say it," by David Walsh. It really sheds light on what is going on in kids' minds at each age and gives great advice. Word of caution: don't get discouraged by the technical vocabulary brain development chapter. He goes on to make more sense later in the book. :)

(For the record, I'm not a go-by-the-book parent. All kids are different, but this one validated my beliefs about how to handle my students (I'm a 7th grade teacher)...and gave good tips to my husband and I about realistic expectations for our young kids.)

Check out "Love and Logic" parenting books. Find them online or at your local library. They are priceless and will save your relationship with your daughter. Change your though process a bit and back off from the confrontation. You should never be asking a child 15 times to do something. Ask once, then enforce consequences. She'll soon learn this is a give and take relationship, and she can contribute to the home to increase her own opportunities for choices. Good luck and hang in there! Parenting is hard, but with the right tools you can do this successfully!!

I do not have much to offer, but when I was 13 the stress of school/peer pressure/hormones (hormones are the WORST!!) made not only me and my family crazy, but I think my friends were crazy as well (going thru the same stuff). It's a hard time, try not to take it personally (I am just remembering my pregnancy hormones and how hard that was, let alone preteen starting period soon and all the stress from school).
It's like when my 2 1/2 yr twin boys gang up on me being naughty...try to physically ignore it...mentally I am having a break down!. She is just going thru a hard time and because you are the other girl in the family, it is all coming out at you!
Sorry! Don't know if this will help but much LOVE to you and much LUCK!

kids want boundaries. You can't just always say yes and give her everything she wants. You need to hold your ground and realize that her I hate you's are temporary. The hormones are going and they are at a stage of selfishness. We as the parents have to do the tough stuff and stand firm through the animosity that will inevitably come. Honestly,if they don't say they hate you once in awhile you are doing something wrong. It just means you stood firm and did what you knew to be best for her even when she doesn't agree. Good luck.

Book suggestion: "Get out of my life,but first could you drive cheryl and I to the mall? written by Anthony E Wolf,PH.D Yes that's the title and my copy is highlighted and underlined, it's my survival guide. She doesn't hate you and she will come back to you after going through what is a normal process. Enjoy the good moments, and when it gets bad step away and make time for yourself.
Good luck

I don't think it has to get worse, and can probably get better, fairly quickly. I used to tutor at-risk high school kids, and some had real attitude problems. I coached them on their difficult subjects, but mostly I listened to them, asked them questions, found out what was important to them, got to hear about their parents, siblings and love interests, disappointments, troubles with the law – everything. I didn't lecture, gave advice only when they asked, and just sympathized. And respected them – on their terms. Once they felt understood and respected, the schoolwork tended to come pretty easily.

Of course, you're in a somewhat different situation with your own daughter. As a mom, you have to set down firm guidelines and enforce them. You and your husband provide your daughter with the material goods she needs, and it sound like a good deal more. Maybe too much?

At her age, she is craving independence, respect and appreciation a great deal more than more stuff, or even freedom from chores. It's her job over the next few years to find out who she is as a separate person, not just your daughter. She may argue and chafe at your requirements, but what she needs most is for you to see past the material girl or the stubborn teen, and into her heart. Find her there, and your next few years will be easier (not perfectly smooth, but easier), because she will lose some of her anger and defensiveness.

You give her what she really needs, and she'll surprise both of you by being able to consider what you need from her. Sometimes, anyway. She does love you, and it's likely that you are the one she feels secure enough to fight with.

I'd like to suggest you read the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You'll learn wonderful tips on connecting with your daughter and helping her communicate her emotional quandary, identify her real needs, and help finding workable solutions.

And I think Marda's insights are worth considering. I had the same thoughts about boundaries and buying your daughter things in hopes of winning her love and respect that way. My best to you both.

I'm sorry that I can't help too much; I've got sons. But I did notice two sentences that you wrote that really jumped out at me: "I totally go out of my way to maker her happy, she has a cell, a laptop, a giant tv in her room. I buy her everything she asks for...."

Why? I mean, why does a 13 year old need a laptop or, worse yet, a giant tv in her room? Doesn't that mean you can't monitor what she is watching, or how much time she spends on either? And also -- why do you think you need to buy her everything she asks for? It's not really good for kids to keep getting so much stuff, because they will take it for granted. It can make kids spoiled. And, it's possible that your daughter feels that you are trying to buy her love, and that makes her feel a certain level of contempt for you, as well as anger that you aren't setting safe, secure boundaries and limits for her.

You say that in all other ways she is a great kid, which is terrific. You have done a lot of things right. Maybe now you can try to build a relationship with her that is based on real things like spending time together and making memories?

Hi S.,

You're not stupid for posting this...if they had this mamasource when my daughter was acting out I would've done the same. Thankfully I had a mom who had 5 girls! So, I called her...and she gave me some great advice!

Our daughter did the same thing. Started at age 12 - 13. It's a phase that all young woman go through. She was wonderful to everyone except me...Young girl growning into an adult woman...Their hormones are going a muck..They are just trying to find their identity, where they fit. Boys start becoming an issue, Our daughter was very independent...and VERY stubborn! ;+}
Just know that it all gets easier as they find out that mom is just looking out for them. Just keep loving her. I did a lot of crying back then, had a lot of hurt feelings......My mom told me that they will learn to appreciate you(mom) when they turn 25 years old. My baby girl is now in college...I cried for three weeks when she left! She cried when she was gone. It's an amazing feeling when that pain in the butt is gone! But they sure do learn how to appreicate what they have.

She's coming home this weekend. I can't wait!

It'll all work itself out...Time, patience and asking God to guide her safely though life and her decisions.

Blessings,

J.

Stop worrying about making her mad and start being a parent more then friend. She is 13 and teenagers break their mom's heart, it is hard years for everyone. You are a good mom who loves her child, but has lost control and a child in control is disaster for sure.

First sit down with her and lay down the rules and the consquences. Then stick to them no matter how much she screams she hates you. She really just wants to hurt you by saying that, she loves you and is so sure of your love for her that she feels she won't lose it when she is horrible to you. Give her a chore chart and let her know that these are her chores and until they are done there will be no going out with friends or talking with them on the phone. Stick to it. When they are done take time to make sure you complement her on them, don't point out what she did wrong, but next time she gets ready ask her to please do it correctly. At this age they do liked to be asked to do things like a grown up so ask for favors that you don't mind her turning down because asking is meaning that they have a choice. "Would you please make a salad for dinner tonight?" would get better results then "Make a salad for dinner tonight". Yelling at her means she won making you lose control, it doesn't work but we all do it some times. Instead of arguing with her about her chores, walk away when she starts arguing, reminding her that it is her chore and she can't talk with friends until it is done and leave it at that. If she doesn't do it, don't let her talk to her friends or use the phone or internet. If she complains just point out that it was her choice, not yours. Later when things are calmed down remind her that by picking up after herself she would cut her chore time down a lot and be so much happier.

Good luck and remember, teens aren't our kids... they are alien clones of our kids that was switched for a few years!

Hi S..
All I can say is think back to when you were a teenage girl. I think all teenage girls tend to be hateful to their mothers at some point or another. I was a good kid, but I remember specifics about when I threw my mom fits. But to address another statement in your post- you say you give your daughter everything she asks for?? You need to stop doing that. She is 13- there is no reason she needs a phone, or a computer, or a television of her own, nor would she at the age of 16 or 18. We are not in this world to cater to our kids wants- only their needs. Stand firm with her, she will appreciate it later in life- at which point then, you can be her friend. I am thankful I have a son- the thought of a teenage girl scared me to death!
Good luck

you have to teach her how to treat you.... once she treats you respectfully and in a manner that is appropriate, she has earned more perks of life. If she doesn't, then she is not showing the responsibilities needed to enjoy the perks of life. Just be sure to let her know how much control of her life she really does have. You will not be doing anything to her.... her choices and actions will be followed by the natural consequences of life... and these lessons now will be easier to learn than when she is an adult and on her own. You can't take this personal, or you will parent through guilt... please understand that she has no idea what the consequences of her decisions now are going to have on her in her future. It is our duty to know what is best for them even if it is really really hard to have our daughters say mean things to us. She won't hate you forever... but you may not get any credit for being a good mom for another 10 years! Hold on tight, stay strong and good luck :-)

She'll treat you the way you allow her to treat you (this is the same for everyone else in your life too). If you want respect, demand it. If she doesn't listen, make real consequences--like taking away her electronics. I think that what she is really looking for is boundaries with you, and she's testing--like a toddler. She wants you to be her Mom, not her friend. From what I understand of your post, you are trying too hard to be her friend. It'll seem worse and hard for both of you before it gets better, but if you choose to be solidly consistent you'll earn her respect (and self-respect). Then your Mother-Daugher relationship can truly flower.

She doesn't hate you, she's a hormonal teenager. Not that that will make you feel better right now. But try to remember that soon,your daughter will be back lol. I dont have daughters, but my son at around ten went through a similiar phase. EVERYTHING I said was "stupid" he rolled his eyes, never had a kind word for me, told people i was "queen mean" (seriously!) It was awful. I also agree though, if she is going to treat you terribly then she deserves no privileges. I think a huge lesson we all as parents are guilty of lacking is teaching our kids respect. Why continue to hand over things to someone who treats you badly? Or who doesn't earn it? Kids today are growing up feeling entitled, and superior to adults. As a kid I remember clearly having feelings of "hatred" towards my parents, but i didnt dare show it without receiving a consequence. They made it clear, I was the CHILD they were the adults and I was to respect them, do as i was told and if I didnt.....look out. i know its hard because we want our kids to like us. but sometimes they have to not like us, to learn important lessons that turn them into better adults!!Sometimes doing the right thing, is the hardest thing :)

You have spoiled her rotten, she is a teenager what more do you expect? It is healthy to have a love/hate relationship with teenagers, but you don't need to be spoiling the hell out of her.

Your 13 year old doesn't hate you! First try and remember that she is going thru a "stage" and that it will get better. First stop giving her everything, things don't replace your love or attention. Attitude is a her way of growing and seeing exactly what her bounderies are. Don't yell at her but you might want to try the mom "look", you know the one that says you have crossed the line and what the outcome of that look will bring if you don't stop. I would also try to sympathies with her, tell her you understand how confusing this time is for her, how she may hate growing up and all that it entails. Also, talk to your husband see if he will interced on your part, by telling your daughter that he is on your side and that she has crossed the line. And always tell her that you love her.

Stop trying to be her friend. She'll have lots of friends in her life, but only one mother. The next time she asks for something, tell her NO. It sounds like she hasn't heard it enough from you. She doesn't hate you, she's just 13. Good luck!

Sometimes, teenagers reject everything their parents teach them and can be just plain unloveable. When your teen becomes a young adult, she may mature and realize that you are her greatest supporter. When she becomes an adult, she will realize that you were right all along. And, when she becomes a mother, she'll worship the ground you walk on. She might be thinking how smart YOU'VE become over the years, but mothers always know every person has to go through stages of life. Be patient. When she's losing her temper with you, stay calm and model the relationship you want with her. Remind her that you are not yelling at her and would appreciate the same consideration. Someday, when she's at the job, she will learn she cannot fly off the handle with ANYONE there. Let's start practicing at home. It's ok to disagree, but not ok to be disrespectful--ever. But you will have to teach her that. As for buying her whatever she wants, stop. You are not her friend and you're not trying to win a popularity contest. Dad doesn't buy into that--why should you? It's not working, never does, and is totally unnecessary. Instead, invest some time into her and your relationship. Not being friends, but being mother and daughter. Teach her how to be a woman and how to have a healthy female relationship. You are her greatest role model, whether she acknowledges it or not. Model the behavior you want her to have.

Check out the book, Smart Discipline by Larry Koenig. They probably have it at your local library. Good Luck!

Your 13 year old is SUPPOSED to hate you! It is part of her job and part of her process to discovering where she ends and you begin. Get past wanting her to like you that is not your role in her life right now. She will like you again later. But, now let her know you love her enough to let her hate you. Stop giving her so much STUFF. Give her boundaries and a parent. She doesn't need friends she has those. She needs to be able to hate you and know you will still love her and be there for her when she is done. It is temporary and painful for you both. She needs to be angry and it hurts her almost as much as it does you, but don't make her responsible for your feelings. The counselor said she does not need it, but you might benefit from some! Good luck - these are hard years but they will end.

This is a local organization that is WONDERFUL helping with such situations. They also have written an awesome parenting book and have seminars. Check it out here: http://www.connectedfamilies.com/

The love and logic series is really good. Also, I have to agree with the other posts that she is looking for boundries from you. no 13 year old should get everything they want.

Your daughter needs a mother, not a friend. Some of this behavior is age-related and hard for even her to control. That said, you need to stay firm, be consistent and stop giving her things to make her happy...it doesn't work. She treats you terribly and in return you bought her a cell phone, a laptop, and a giant tv. You are rewarding her bad behavior.
Good luck...being a parent of a teenager is not easy!!

How about taking just one little step back, since she does sound like a great kid, maybe let her do the leading just a little. Dad can step in if your daughter starts straying off track. Then your job can become the "listener" and just being there to observe. If she has a question... answer it, if she need help on a project... help her, etc. As for chores, I would have a list of two or three things she needs to complete by a certain date and do that every week. If the chores do not get completed, she gets something taken away, but Dad my need to help reinforce the discipline so you are doing the disciplining together.

I mean no offense by this, because teenagers are very difficult to parent, and there is a historic period of challenge between teenage girls and mothers, but I think you could really benefit from taking a parenting class. It sounds like there is an established pattern between the two of you that is pretty concrete, though not unusual, that just isn't working for you right now. Parenting classes will give you more "tools" for your parenting "toolbox" so to speak, and teach you modifications that can really help your relationship as well as her own ability to communicate with you and her self-discipline. I used to teach parenting classes, and got amazing responses from parents who felt helpless coming in, that with clear expectations, effective rewards and consequences, and just learning to listen, they had a cooperative household again. I taught using the Boys Town Common Sense Parenting method:
http://www.boystownpress.org/index.php/parents/parenting-..., but there are all different curricula that are equally effective. Good luck!

check out flagpagetest.com
have your daughter take the test. it does cost 12.50$ to get a code, but it is WORTH IT.
your husband and yourself should take it too.
this is an awesome test. mark gungor explains all about it on the site. its awesome.

other than that, this sounds like normal average teenage behavior. she is going to try to push the boundaries to figure out where they are, so you do have to remain firm, but you probably dont have to yell. when she yells, just dont stoop to her level. talk quieter in fact, then she has to calm down to hear what you are saying. always allow her space to breathe when shes upset and pick your battles; if she has a like you dont agree with, see if that is an area that you can let go.
i think you sound like you are doing fine; the best test of parenting is the way she treats others and how others feel about her... so it sounds like shes an all around good kid just trying to find some more independence.
good luck

Hi S.,
I think my advice is a little different from the discipline-focused advice. I HIGHLY recommend reading "Reviving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher -it argues that girls this age can become very frustrated and angry due to the contradictory, oversexualized, threatening messages they receive from society about what it means to be a woman. We women can be hardest on other women, so if she is dealing with such issues it is not surprising that she is rebelling against you, another woman. To me it sounds like she might be struggling with some issues that she is not able to verbalize and deal with on her own. The fact that she behaves well toward others, is doing well in school, etc. seems to be an indication that she knows the rules, but she is venting toward you. I think all kids (people?) have a tendency to treat the person whose love they are the most sure about the worst. So in a way your daughter's behavior should make you feel good that she KNOWS that you love her. If at all possible, continue to show her LOVE LOVE LOVE - don't worry about the messy room and the chores so much. Do read that book, and try to find ways to get her to talk with you - or another trusted person - about stuff that is going on in her life / in her head. She needs to know that the safety net of your love is always there and she WILL come around.

Just take away all her stuff!!! Make ur husband talk to her ground her for as long as u want, pick up/drop her off at school!!! She needs to understand that ur the mother and that u need respect!!! And dont buy her everything she ask for, ur making her think that she has u wrapped around her lil finger!!! Talk to 1 on 1

Typical attitude of at teenage daughter, altho I think she is deffinatly spoiled so that probably has alot to do with it. I'm not sure how you would go about taking away a TV, a Cell Phone, or a Laptop... cuz as we all know once you have them, it is impossable to live with out. I'd say... absolutly get rid of the tv. As for a lap top, not really sure why a 13 year old would need one in the 1st place? Its not like they take it to and from school?

Anyways... you need to start telling her no. She acts like she hates you because she is selfish and wants more and knows you will buy buy buy. Most likely she won't relize your good intentions till she is a mom herself.

Girls can get that way toward their mothers. Try spending more quality time alone with your daughter doing things she enjoys - especially involving you & her doing physical activities - roller skating, playing basketball, hiking in the woods, jogging, swimming, etc. She's at a difficult age and still wants & needs you, but she won't admit it. It sounds like you've spoiled her with cell phones, TV's, etc. Sit down with her and tell her that in order to have additional phone, TV, or computer time, she has to "earn" the extra time doing extra chores. She should have regular responsibilities such as take out garbage, set the table, clean up the table, clean her own bathroom, etc.

Your daughter sounds just like mine did. Taking things away and grounding didn't work. I did start her with a therapist. She sees her once a week and she talks to both my daughter and I at the beginning and the end of her session. The rest of the time, they talk one-on-one. She seem to have made TREMENDOUS progress. You should look into finding someone who deals with children her age. Me daughter's therapist also told me that buying lots of things isn't the way to go. sometimes we just want them to have all the things we didn't have, but what they really need is just us to be there and have a open mind and know that we are in their corner. Good luck!

I am having the same exact issues with my 13 yr old daughter also and have no clue what I can do to make it better...it really hurts me the way she treats me and she only does to me also...I keep asking myself what I ever did to deserve it but I have done everything for her...she's my only girl and the baby so she has been far from neglected or seeking any attention...she has always had plenty of my time...and her father doesn't help because she is daddy's girl and does no wrong and he often blames me for the way she treats me as if the way I am disrespected is acceptable...sometimes he corrects her but sometimes he sides with her too which is giving her mixed signals and he doesn't understand what he is doing...I just want to rip my hair out some days...I don't have the strength to constantly fight with her..about everything...there is not one thing I can say to her that she doesn't respond with an argument or her raising her voice or telling me I'm not her boss and she doesn't have to do what I say...etc...I don't know where she got the idea that what I say does not matter...it is so frustrating dealing with this everyday...I am miserable because of it and it's not fair to me either...any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!!

Updated

I am having the same exact issues with my 13 yr old daughter also and have no clue what I can do to make it better...it really hurts me the way she treats me and she only does to me also...I keep asking myself what I ever did to deserve it but I have done everything for her...she's my only girl and the baby so she has been far from neglected or seeking any attention...she has always had plenty of my time...and her father doesn't help because she is daddy's girl and does no wrong and he often blames me for the way she treats me as if the way I am disrespected is acceptable...sometimes he corrects her but sometimes he sides with her too which is giving her mixed signals and he doesn't understand what he is doing...I just want to rip my hair out some days...I don't have the strength to constantly fight with her..about everything...there is not one thing I can say to her that she doesn't respond with an argument or her raising her voice or telling me I'm not her boss and she doesn't have to do what I say...etc...I don't know where she got the idea that what I say does not matter...it is so frustrating dealing with this everyday...I am miserable because of it and it's not fair to me either...any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!!

Updated

I am having the same exact issues with my 13 yr old daughter also and have no clue what I can do to make it better...it really hurts me the way she treats me and she only does to me also...I keep asking myself what I ever did to deserve it but I have done everything for her...she's my only girl and the baby so she has been far from neglected or seeking any attention...she has always had plenty of my time...and her father doesn't help because she is daddy's girl and does no wrong and he often blames me for the way she treats me as if the way I am disrespected is acceptable...sometimes he corrects her but sometimes he sides with her too which is giving her mixed signals and he doesn't understand what he is doing...I just want to rip my hair out some days...I don't have the strength to constantly fight with her..about everything...there is not one thing I can say to her that she doesn't respond with an argument or her raising her voice or telling me I'm not her boss and she doesn't have to do what I say...etc...I don't know where she got the idea that what I say does not matter...it is so frustrating dealing with this everyday...I am miserable because of it and it's not fair to me either...any suggestions will be greatly appreciated!!