Teen Age Daughter

I have a 13 year old boy. Part of it's the age (learning to break away from parents to be their own person), but a lot of that disrespect comes from peers, TV, movies, You Tube, etc. Put her in martial arts! I'm serious! They must respect their teachers or they're out and part of their "homework" is showing respec at home! It works...my son is almost a black belt and is also a First Class boy scout, but very rough and tumble, too!

I just read a great book that may give you some ideas. New Kid by Friday by Kevin Leman. Helped around my house and nips that kind of behavior quickly in the bud. Helps establish or remind them who the parents are and who the children are. Good luck.

When my 13 year old get into that mood I simple tell her with a sweet voice: "Thank you sweetheart" and drop the subject. In a very short time later she usually will do whatever she was asked to do. Just remember not to nag and if it takes longer than 30 minutes before she appears to do the chore, just kindly remind her that she promised to help you with that chore. She says NO, then again tell her "Thank you Sweetheart". "You accomplish much more with sugar than vinegar". If that doesn't work then you need to put on the "boxing gloves" and take away something that she really likes (TV time, computer time, going out with friends etc.) and the only way she gets it back is by doing the chore.

When the 13 yr old picks on her 8 yr old sister I simply tell the 8 yr old that it's her older sister's way of saying: "I love you, because saying it is not In when you are a teenager". The teenager does not for any reason want her sister to know that she really does love her, so the picking is instantly stopped and peace restored to the house. Humor goes a long way with teenagers. My 13 yr old tells me at times "I hate you" (like when she figures out that Mom is smarter after all) and I respond with "Thank you, I love you tooo" and then she grunts like she is really angry and a big grin burst out on her face. Most of the time it is hard to be cool and let it run right off you, but you will make more progress with the sugar and the humor than the yelling and getting angry. Teenagers test the waters and often they get ruthless, but as adults we need to react like adults. I like to take my teenager and lock her in a padded room until she turns 20 sometimes, but time has taught me that she is trying to be an adult, but haven't figured out how to do behave yet. Good Luck!! (personally I like the padded room idea, but for me instead of my daughter)

A.,

I feel for you. I have a 14 year old who is like that. What needed to happen at our house was, my husband needed to back me up and get after her when she didn't do as I asked. It has been hard going. As for the yelling at you and calling you names, I don't know, my Sister-in-law told me I should slap her and she wouldn't do it anymore, but I just couldn't. I have spoken sternly to her and made her stand and listen to me, she usually tries to walk away. I have had to grab her and hold her in place so I can talk to her. It seems like when I let things go until later, she would act like she didn't know what I was talking about. I would never have talked to my parents that way either, but it stemmed from fear instead of respect. I want her to respect me and my feelings, it's hard when you are the bad guy all the time. It will be worth it when you set strict guidelines as to what is and is not acceptable. There needs to be clear rules and clear consequences. Think of what would be a good consequence for that kind of rude behavior. Grounded from the computer, cell phone, any phone, going out with friends, having extra chores. You can coach her how to speak to you. And not let her get away with small things because she is testing the boundaries and will push you further and further. That said, there are some things you can do to improve your relationship.
1. Spend one on one time with her doing something she wants to do.
2. Give more hugs and kisses. Sometimes I think we forget our older children need that physical connection to us, just like when they were younger. My daughter will now walk up and hug me and give me a kiss (be sure to be available, if you are trying to get things done when they need a love, stop what you are doing and give them a tight hug and ask if that is enough or do they need more).
3. Say "I love you".
4. Ask how her day was, and then really listen.
5. Connect, tell her how you were when you were younger, at her age. Don't be condescending, be honest. (I'm not talking about glorifying mistakes you made, just be light about sharing embarrassing stories and fun times you had).
6. Keep the bond between Father and Daughter strong also, Girls need their Dads, just like girls need their Moms.
7. Talk about how it will be when she leaves home when she grows up and how you recognize that your time together is fleeting and you want it to be good and fun, that it would be wise to make the most of things now.
8. Choose not to be offended by remarks that were meant to hurt you. Don't hold on to the hurt. Forgive.
9. Help her recognize that someday her sisters will be her best friends. That blood is thicker than anything. And if she would show her siblings kindness, they would do anything for her.
I really hope this will help you. Your relationship with your oldest child could set the tone for the rest of your children. Good luck.

Dear A.,
Wow, welcome to the teen years!!! I had four of them. Only one of my children did NOT try yelling at me or TRY to call me names. It is another time that children try to gain a feeling of control....testing how far they can push you. Do you allow her to yell & call you names. That may seem like a stupid question, but I know I was NOT consistent with my response to their disrespect. If you show that you will allow it even once, she will keep doing it. What has your hubby done when she tried it with him? I am pretty sure she has, or will at some point. You & your hubby need to set down what punishment will be give for each time she is "out of line". YOU BOTH NEED TO SUPPORT what the other person does. If you disagree with your hubby, DO NOT show her....talk to him later, and get into agreement, but support what he has said. My hubby & I did not do that, and my kids used it every chance they could. If you both hold strong to the fact that you BOTH will not tolerate being yelled at or called names, and will punish when that happens...consistantly, she will get tired of being punished, and start showing you the respect that you deserve.
Now, another point...do you listen to her thoughts, and ideas? Do you show her that you care about what she thinks. My children were allowed to state what they thought, but knew after I thought about what they said, I was the one who had the final say about rules. I had to make sure that when I "over-ruled" her/him, it was really an important choice. Was it really important for me to win the battle over having a nose ring? Was it really important to win the battle over going to a party where parents were not home? Did I need to win the battle over dying hair green? What battles could I SAFELY allow them to win? What control did I feel safe letting them have? Do you see where I am going with this? She is at an age that she is fighting for control, just like when she was smaller, and wanted to learn about the world around her. She is trying to find how her world can be expanded to learn how she fits into an adult world....that is very hard for them.....and VERY hard for parents!
Good luck, and I will pray for an easier "walk over the bridge" for you.

Just wanted to 2nd Diana H's advice. You and DH need to be on the same page, and your daughter needs consistent consequences. Talk things over with your hubby, but it sounds like she's walking all over you due to lack of respect. In order to gain & keep her respect you need to provide love and support as well as discipline/consequences. One can't go along without the other IMO...

Try taking a Love and Logic class. They are often offered throughout the community.

To me it sounds like she is having another problem that she is trying to hide. I think that you should be having regular interviews, individually with your children, making sure to always compliment them and find out what's going on in their lives. Also I think she needs to have specific chores that are hers alone. That would hopefully help teach her some responsibility, to be required to have a task completed on a regular basis. Another thought, when you ask her to do something try giving her two choices: "Do you want to mop the floor or wash the windows?" Yes and no aren't involved in answering this type of question. That might help.

Hi A.,

I won't keep you. Here's my one bit of advice:

You and your husband need to get on the same page about expectations from your daughter and consequenses for inappropriate behavior. She clearly sees that there are no consequences for her actions, so she will do whatever she wants to do. I also like what the woman said about saying "Thank you" and walking away. The moment you engage in her disrespectful antics, you've lost half the battle.

Good luck and I hope this helps a bit.

Yikes! There is a definite need for you and her to learn to get along. I am sure she resents being 'bossed' around as much as you resent being yelled at and being called names. Have you considered that maybe she and dad have a normal, respectful, communicating relationship and with you she doesn't have that? She may think that all you do is tell her what to do and what not to do. It is all about her perception, and she will treat you with about the same level of respect as she feels you are treating her with.

I would recommend that you find a way to spend some time with her on a one-on-one basis so that you can develop a relationship that nurtures communication about things other than what you want her to do or not do. Even just riding in the car can be a time to 'connect'. Give some thought to nurturing, not punishing....

I just saw something on one of those discovery thing, like letting things like eye rolling slide, however name calling, telling you no and back talk is not allowed. Kind of that if she does it with a huff, to ignore the huff and not react, however do not tolerate disrespect either. Even with my younger kids I say "You are allowed not to like doing what I have asked, however it is important you listen to me"...

Consequences. Whether they are 3 or 13 make her responsible for her behavior. Respect is earned and she has none for you right now, meaning what you say, making sure you stand firm and don't allow it will help her find respect. If you ask her nicely to do something and she says "no", well then you say "excuse me it wasn't an option I asked you to do it, you can either do it without any sassing or you can have no tv for the rest of the week, your call".. period. No arguing, just that simple. If she calls you a name, look her in the face and say "that really is disrespectful and hurtful, I know you don't mean it however it is not going to be tolerated, do you have something you would like to say to me?" give her a chance to back up, apologize and say what she meant to say nicely.

If she doesn't, consequences. When you are doling out grounding, taking TV/Computer/phone priviledges just simply say "until you understand you are causing this to happen by disrespecting me then it will continue to happen, all on you". Be matter of fact, don't raise your voice and stay calm. Just letting her know it is her decision.

Picking on younger siblings happens, if is mean spirited or cruel again, consequences. She has to earn her nice things, fun times and you need to stand tough. Having your husband back you at every turn will help too, he is to stand behind you when you dole out the punishment and support you! Whe she back talks you in front of him have him stand tough and not allow it either!

Good luck, I dread the teen years but I think being consistent is crucial at 3 or 13 and like I say all the time "mean what you say and say what you mean" no idle threats, no three chances, just it is what it is, her choice period.

We live in a diiferent world today, not that it is ok for your daughter to speak to you this way but we all do thing's differently than our parents! I highly reccomend Love and logic, they have books, workshops etc. Hang in there mom, teens are tough!

Oh my! The hormones are raging for teenagers, especially girls. I am a single mom raising three children and my oldest is a daughter who is 18. I think that every teenager is different, but I do think that communication is the key to any mother-daughter relationship. I have always been very open with my daughter and we can talk about anything. Sometimes we have our little powerplays, but I always have the bigger attitude. I never scream or curse at her. That would be sending the wrong message. I speak to her in a firm tone of voice. She is a really great kid and I consider her to be one of my best friends. She tells me that her friends tell her that they wish that they had an open kind of relationship with their mothers. I feel very blessed when I know how she could act. My mother thinks that I am way too blunt with her, but I grew up in a very closed home. I will never do that to my kids.

There is no easy answer. The first step would be to show her who is boss. Once an open line of communication is established, a mother can usually find out what the deeper issue causing the behavior is. There is always a lot of drama in the schools these days, especially for girls. A lot of times they just need reassurance that jr. high and high school is a small part of a big life.

I am on some bio-identical hormones and I talked to my doctor and he said that it is very common for young girls to have their progesterone out of sync. I have an appointment for my daughter to see the doctor on friday. She is excited to get all the testing done. This is also an option for your daughter.

I feel that there is a very strong bond between a mother and a daughter. A father is very important in the process of raising the kids, but I raised my daughter alone since she was 12 and I am very proud of what we have done.

A.,
you've received a lot of good advice. I'm a marriage and family therapist and just wanted to emphasize two points. You and your husband have to agree on using the same rules and the same consequences. If your daughter sees that she can't get away with being rude to you, she will quickly stop the behavior.

Second, you have to expect that teenagers are going to push the limits of whatever rules the two of you agree on. it goes with the territory. just be prepared and not surprised. have age appropriate consquences - losing computer time, losing phone privileges, losing time with friends, losing allowance, doing more chores - and stick to them. Also be prepared to reward positive behavior - good grades, helping out at home, helping with siblings, etc. Being consistent and showing her you will reward good behavior is the best way to turn things around.

good luck!

http://astore.amazon.com/praistor-20/detail/0800719026/18...#
This is a link to a book by Dr Kevin Leman. He is very funny and his ideas work.
I can also say that I made tons of mistakes raising my three children. I screamed, yelled, threw things, made idle threats, made real threats, and so on all just to get them to help me and clean up after themselves. None of it worked. I have since learned that I needed a change of heart. I have learned to set boundaries and walls that are reasonable. Here's another book just in case, Beyone the Yellow Brick Road by Bob Meehan. My child is an addict, and this book was a total lifesaver. (That and the Cornerstone Drug Rehab program!)
good luck and God Bless

A.,
I feel for you, I was a work holic when my middle daughter was 13 and was not home much, that is one of the hardest ages anyway with all the emotional & hormonial stages they go throug. My youngest is now 13 and fortunately I found a company to work with that pays me very well while I work at home helping people to eliminate toxins, get healthier safer nutrition and have a successful business while achieving financial freedom, and this time around it is so much nicer to go through the age. My older daughter, I had to take all her electronics away, ground her from her friends or the phone, the punishment was targeted around her bad actions. If she talked back that was a week no phone(talking privelage gone), if she raised her voice disrespectfully or faught with her siblings (electronic device or tv privelage gone-1 week per offense), if she did not do her chore for the evening (she did that chore for a week plus I would find another chore for her), this tough love went on for 2 months until she realized she had to pay consequences for her actions. My youngest daughter does not act that way because I am home the majority of the time now, I get to listen to her day from school, I am there when she cries that her and her best friend got in a fight, I get to have that open communication with her that I did not have with my other daughter at that age, she is now 16 and I have been home for over a year, making more money that in corporate america too. It gets better but remember you are the parent and you have the right to take privelages away. gotgreennow.fourpointmoms.com

A.,

It looks like your daughter has a problem respecting women.
Perhaps its time to have a heart-to-heart talk with her to find out why.
(1) Make sure that you are coming from a clean space.
This means that you don't have any judgments about anything that your daughter will be sharing.

(2) Take the time to have your daughter share her feelings.
Ask with a sincere heart of wanting to see where she is at.

(3) Be willing to share how you feel about what she shared.
Avoid getting on the defense. Share how much you care about what she is going through at this time in her live.

Wishing you all the best for a loving and caring home.
With my whole heart, C.

Hi! My son is going through the same thing and he just turned 13. He has siblings which are 2, 5, 7, and 10 and one on the way in less than a week. He bosses his siblings around too, I chalk alot of that up to being the oldest, needing space and wanting to be "right". He argues about almost every topic and is very sensitive to any "perceived criticism" He does not like to do chores around the house, but will, becuase he does not have a choice, we let him know it is expected as being part of a family. I personally cannot offer you any expert advice, I ordered a couple of good parenting books on teenagers in the hopes that I can figure him out better and help myself to stay "sane"!
I would say that I personally would let your daughter know that name calling is not acceptable (make sure you do not call her names either) and that once she starts doing that "you will speak wtih her when she is ready to be respectful" either tell her to go to her room, be a broken record(calm voice) if she continues to argue, )ie: please go to your room, please go to your room) or if she refuses I would say you have bigger issues at hand and might want to involve a counselor. Usually the broken record technique works for my son if he is disrespectful or needs time to calm down. We are better able to communciate later.
I wish you good luck and am also interested in what has worked for other mothers with boys or girls of this age.

Hate to say this, but get used to it. With 4 girls you will have plenty of experience by the end on your side and plenty of attitude from the girls on their side. Teens nowadays do not have the same level of respect as we did when we were young. Everything you have explained seems like typical teenage behavior though. We all do manage to live through this, but it won't be easy with 4 daughters to go through. That does not mean that I think you should tolerate disrespectful behavior. There should still be consequences for rudeness and disrespect. Just pick your battles wisely or you will be fighting with her all day.

I have two.....be prepared....it gets worse. SORRY!
Taking away what is most important to them works well.....
talking and spending time alone with them also helps -
until the next round.

Good Luck....! I feel your pain.

Personally, I don't think this is normal or acceptable and I don't think you should shrug it off as nothing.
Consider finding opportunitites for your husband to back you up and opportunities for you and your daughter to bond in non-threatening ways (shopping, lunch, pedicure, etc.)
I learned a lot from the book "Hold On to Your Kids" by Dr. Gordon Neufeld. he talks about the all-too-common phenomenon of peer orientation, when teens become so attached to their peers they shut out their parents and other healthy adult role models. The opposite of peer orientation is being family oriented, when teens do not have to prove anything to themslves or peers with risky or rude behavior because their hub of security and reassurance is their family. He talks a lot about how to re-claim a peer-oriented teen--I highly recommend this book. Neufeld points out that if a spouse were acting this way (distant, disgusted, unwilling to help) you's be suspicious of an affair. Peer-oriented teens, are, in a way, having an emotional affair with their peers that leaves no room for their families.
I also love the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk." It's a gem.
You seem like a sesitive and intuitive mom. Follow your gut and see if you can smooth out this relationship so there's not a sad example set for your younger ones. Best wishes!