Parents of Teens - Bedtime Issues

Tradition was for my son to be in bed by 8 PM. When he got older it stayed. He was at least in his own room at 8.. Motivated getting to sleep by 10 ish or the sort..

I have a tween and a teenager and both girls have different bedtimes. I also have two toddlers as well. My 2yr goes down at 8:30. The 3yr down at 9pm. The tween down at 9:30 and the teen at 10pm. They don't have a choice about it either. The only reason that the teen has a later then 10 bedtime is when she has a late night soccer game. It starts at 8 and doesn't get done until 11. I kick them off of what ever they are doing at 9pm and make them do the same bedtime things. Shower, teeth ect That way there is no reason. And when they beg or plead to stay up later. It is a flat no. I am the mother and simply because I said so. IF they fight, I tell them they get to go to bed sooner on the weekend. So that 11pm bedtime can be as early as 8pm. You have to stay on it.

I just started the Love and Logic program. Let them stay up as late as they want. Get them up at the same time and carry on as usual the next day. No special treatment because they are tired. They will learn pretty quick.

My daughters (18 yo and 16 yo) go to bed at 7 pm at weekdays and at 6.30 pm at weekends.
Does anyone else put her teens to bed early?

I think that's just one of those things they have to learn and figure out on their own.

My dad's rule was in our rooms after like 9 or 10pm. Well I'd get bored in my room and knew I had to wake up early anyways so I'd usually go to bed on my own.

What if you tell them they don't have to sleep but they have to be in their rooms by 10?

If it makes you feel any better my neighbor has 4 teenagers and they are up EVERY night 12-4am sometimes, then they wake up early and go to school and then come home from school crash for a few hours, eat dinner at 9-10pm and do it all over again. All 4 of his kids are failing, have truancy problems are constantly sick too.

In our home, especially with teen boys, it only helps if Dad says something. Is your husband backing you on this? If he agrees with you, maybe he can say something to your sons.

Our kids have to be in their room at a certain time but can read or whatever as long as they are quiet.

We had the same problem with our 14 y/o teenage daughter. We told her to look upon bedtime as her curfew. Our rule for curfew is that if you miss curfew it gets backed up by a half hour everytime you are late and when you finally start making curfew you can then earn back time in 15 minute extensions. If she was late with going to bed then her curfew and bedtime got backed up by half and hour. On weekends her curfew to be back home from a friends house was 11 pm and bedtime during the week was 10 pm. When it was after 10 when she got to bed, the next night was 9:30 and the weekend curfew was 10:30. By the first weekend she was backed up to 8:30 bed and 9:30 w/e curfew. When she has to be back home from a friend's get together by 9:30 pm and she missed out on some fun it finally sunk in. We kept her times backed up until she earned the right to stay up/out later. We made her earn back every extension. If she made her weekend curfew and bedtimes for a week, she could then stay out/up 15 minutes longer the following week. No yelling from us required, we explained the rules and the consequences,told her end of discussion and walked away when she wanted to argue. When she tested us, we didn't take excuses and after a few weeks she finally caught on. She is now 16 and goes to bed everynight without prompting, gets up on her own every morning, is no longer late for the bus. She is also home promptly at curfew time on the weekends. And we are much happier parents.
Amy D.

I have to agree with Beth, It's just something they have to learn on there own. You need your rest though so send them to their rooms.As long as it is not effecting their school work then they'll be fine. My daughter will stay up late for weeks then crash and go to bed early for a couple of weeks then right back to the late nights. I once heard that from age birth to around age 6 you train a child; ages 6 to 12 or 13 you reinfroce what you taught and 12 or 13 and up you Pray! As a mother with each of those age groups I agree. You set boundaries they must stay in those boundaries. Let them deal with the consequences of their own actions.

What is keeping them up so late? Is it homework? Is it T.V.? Or atheletics? Do they have an after-school job? I think once you get that figured out, taking action will be alot simpler.

I remember when I was in high school, because of my homework load, and afterschool job, AND being in atheletics (gymnastics, cheerleading, dance line), there were many nights I would be up pretty late getting homework done. Especially by my Junior and Senior year. The reason was because I wouldn't get home from a game until 9:30 or 10:00 sometimes. Then after getting showered, and settled, I'd finally have to tackle any homework that I didn't get to before the game, which was usually alot because there was very little time before a game to eat dinner, and getting back to school to catch the bus to get to the game.

Back when I was in high school, we would have on average about an hours' worth of homework per class. Granted I was in a pre-college program where both my science and math courses were college level, I was pretty overwhelmed by the work load. IN retrospect, I think high school was way more intense than college, homework wise. Mostly because in college the schedule's are lest restrictive. In high school its 7:30 to 2:30 with no breaks between classes. At least in college, the classes are on a modular schedule and you have way more time during the day to tackle work.

Not to mention, I was in school all day, with no breaks from the rigors of the day to day. There were many times all I wanted to do was stay up, to get a sense of relief from what seemed like an intense grind. I know it's not a good excuse,but its understandable if they have a heavy workload. They might just be trying to unwind.

If basic responsibilities are the problem, I'd cut them some slack. Perhaps you need to sit down with them, and help them learn to manage/prioritize their time better. See if there is anyway to cut down activities, and get more efficient at tackling homework. If they're looking for ways to unwind, help them find more constructive ways to relax, and get them to do it earlier in the evening so they'll get to sleep at a good time. Exercise and books for fun might help.

If its a t.v. and wasting time socializing issue, you just need to get tough and set the groundrules. Curfew is not unreasonable, especially on school nights. I'd say if they don't have a legitimate reason to be up late, like homework or sports, its lights out or they lose privileges like car keys, video games, or hanging out with friends etc. Afterall, they need to learn how to prioritize what's important now, so that when they go to college, they'll better be able to manage their time when you're not their to remind them.

Besides, who pays the rent? Who puts food on the table? They need to respect authority..most especially your authority. You should set the rules in your house, not them. IF there's no legitimate reason for their staying up late, they need to be reminded that they are under your roof, subject to your rules, until they are on their own.

Hi, I am the mother of a 17 1/2 yr old boy who also goes to bed very late. I don't struggle getting him up in the morning but wonder how he makes it through his morning classes. I too 'fight/argue' with him to get to bed earlier but there's no arguing with a teenager. He has one more yr of school left and looks like he will be graduating nxt yr but cannot understand how one can focus with very little sleep. I guess depending on how your children are doing in school and thier age - this may not be too much of a problem. Good luck.
C..

A litle about me: married mom with 2 children, one 25 yr old daugher (living on her own in Tucson), one 17 yr old son (still @ home). I also have my own stamping business that I work out of my home.

Teenagers are biologically wired to stay up late and sleep late. It would be best if we as a society found a way to let them live like that, but it ain't gonna happen. Tell them it's time they started to deal with the real world, which doesn't care in the least what they feel like doing, but expects them to deal with their responsibilities. Their responsibility to you is to be safely in their rooms after YOUR bedtime, whether they are ready to sleep or not. You might suggest this is a good time to work on, or ahead on, some boring homework, but the choice is theirs. (Of what to do, not where to be.) It is also their responsibility to get to school in condition to be able to handle it.

As far as their health, probably the best thing you can do is stop being someone to rebel against. Whether they act like it or not, they have heard you, and they may just decide on their own they would rather feel better.

S.,

I think right now it is a matter of laying down the law. Maybe point out to them that if it takes them an hour to get to bed, then you'll simply have to move up their bedtime to 9pm. If they don't like the idea of that, then tell them to straighten up. If needs be take privledges away (cell phones, gaming systems, internet), and tell them if they don't want to be treated as such (like little kids) then they need to obey the rules. I'm assuming they are allowed free reign on the weekends with bedtime, which is perfectly fine, but during the week, they need to understand they can't be staying up so late. You sound like a very loving mother, and maybe they think you won't do things like that "because a loving mom wouldn't". That is the wrong thinking on their part, because a loving mother looks out for her children and want what's best. If being the firm one is what it takes, be angry bout it. Do not let them walk over you with this one, because they will start taking advantage of you with other things too. You may think "not my boys", but I remember my rebellion teen years all too well. Also, does your husband get involved with discipline? Another thought just came to mind.....if they drive to school, make them take the bus explaining that if they can't be more responsible, why should they get to drive?

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but I just don't want this wearing you down. I've always been a very blunt, and to-the-point person, and it sounds like they made need some "bluntness" added to their lives.

B.

I just read a short article in Readers Digest (May 2008) about teen sleep habits. They were doing Best of America and this one was Best Wake-Up Call: "More than a quarter of American teenagers nod off in class at least once a week, according to the National Sleep Foundation. Says it's CEO, Darrel Drobnich, "The average teen needs about nine and half hours of sleep but only gets six or seven." Blame an early bell, which at most high schools rings before 8 am. That's way too early for teen brains, which produce sleep-inducing melatoninlater at night, making it hard for them to fall asleep before 11 pm. The solution: Start school later. High schools in 19 states now start at least an hour later than before, opening around 8:30 am. Others are discussing it. Minneapolis and suburban Edina public schools were first in the country to move to later start times; educators say attendance is up and discipline problems down. Even coaches note an upswing in player performance."

I'm not saying you should run to your school board and get your start time changed, but hopefully this will give you some insight to your teens' bodily sleep schedules. And maybe give you some ammo with the "teens need at least 9 hrs of sleep" quote =)

Hey there...I write a few articles for a Christian parenting magazine now and again and actually just finished an article on this very topic...it is a huge concern for parents these days. I found some great resources on-line that give helpful suggestions, as well as one book in a PDF file that you can read entirely on-line. It is a bit long but has some helpful info. Here are the links:
http://books.nap.edu/openbook.php?record_id=11633&page=1
http://www.stanford.edu/~dement/index.html- Scroll down for an index of articles on a variety of topics related to sleep, concerning people of all ages.
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/teens-health/CC00019 -A brief article describing the facts of teen sleep and giving a list of tips for parent

Hope that helps!
M.

As a mother of a 15 ((16 in July) and and 8 year old.

I don't have the answers for you. I battle this w/ my son as well. He don't have a bedtime cuz if he did he wouldn't go anyways. He is usually in bed asleep by 1 am. Which is nuts to me but he gets every morning on his own w/ his alarm clock at 7 gets ready for school and we are out the door at 7:30. He showers and e-thing at night so he gets up in time that he can get ready, eat, brush his teeth and then we leave. I have learned over the years I have to pick my battles and this isn't a battle I want to fight, Until he can't get up on his own. The only class he is currently failing is math. Nothing new he has always struggled in this class he don't get it. It's not like it was when I was in highschool 17 years ago - he has to take alegebra we didn't. THe school requirments are just so different. That's a whole nother issue. lol
Anyway back to the subject - he is NOT a morning person and never really has been as I'm not either. The only time I didn't battle bedtime was the first 4 years of school after that it was a chore just to get him into bed. Now, it's not a battle I want to battle cuz I don't get him up anymore he gets up on his own. He's usually in his room - watches tv, plays his video games, texting or on the phone so .... all in all there's lots of teens that don't go to bed as early as we think they should. I've had lots of behavior issues w/ him along the way from bad grades to acting like a jerk in school to as recently as smoking pot. So, bedtime just isn't as big of issue as some I've battled. He has never skipped school and is there every day that he isn't sick - so... pick ur battles sweety or you're gonna add stress that you don't need.
My youngest on the other hand has never had a bedtime either as early as infancy. He gets tired he went to sleep and even now when he's tired he goes to bed. Usually around 10 or so. He also gets up w/ no problem. (I have to wake him up tho :))
I know the studies show that teens need 9 hours a sleep a night but I think all kids are different. I myself don't even get 9 hours of sleep a night. I'm lucky to get 7.

So, as long as they aren't failing school, skippin' school, fallin' a sleep in school, not getting into any other kind of trouble and they are at home I'm not sure it's really that big of an issue. They may be more night time type of children like most teens and they will figure it out as they get older.
But, one this is for sure S., from readin' the responses here we aren't the only ones out there who have this issue.

I too was a teenager who had to be in my room by 10 - as long as we didn't keep our parent's up and we got up for school and didn't fuss we were ok. If we gave them grief it was in our rooms at 10 and lights out at 10:30. So, as you can imagine we wanted to stay up late and go to bed when we wanted to go to bed so we didn't fuss and give them grief. There was 3 of us teens in the house at the samtime we were all a year apart. We all grew up to be pretty decent adults and now all have kids of our own and realize how it was to be a teen so ... I go from what I learned growing up and do the same w/ my own boys.

I guess it depends on how old your boys are. If they are under 16, then yes, they should listen to you and go to bed when you say. If they are over 16, I would say, "ok, don't wine to me that you are tired, and if your grades start dropping, no more going out on the weekends until you raise your grades back up!!!"

Hi, S.. I guess my advice on this would boil down to one question -- Whose problem is this? You've made it your problem, and so you're the only one putting any energy into solving it, leaving your kids to relax and enjoy themselves.

Have you considered that, by delaying your own bedtime because your kids are staying up, you are actually sending them the exact opposite message that you're giving them verbally? Actions speak louder than words! I think you can teach them a lot by your own choice to get to bed at a decent hour, regardless of how late they get up.

I think you should let them know that you'll be going to bed at a certain time, then go to bed and let the chips fall where they may. If they get sick, are too tired to stay awake in class, etc. they need to suffer the consequences of their choices. If they leave the house in a mess while you're sleeping, you can consequence that behavior (ie, no computer/phone/TV/freetime/whatever until the house is clean. You can add to the naturally occurring consequences of lack-of-sleep by removing privileges based on grades, etc. Eventually, however, they are going to have to see that their poor choices lead to poor outcomes. It's a good time for them to learn this before they head off to college and will need to make decisions for themselves without you there to "monitor" them. The more that you shield them from the naturally occurring consequences of their choices, or try to rescue out of suffering those consequences, the more you enable them to continue making poor choices.

A great book that I think would help is "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" by Foster and Cline. It's really practical, with lots of real-life examples and coaching on how to handle them. In fact, they share a real-life story from one of their clients that is almost exactly like your situation.

Hope this helps! God bless!

N.

All I can say is that I can sure relate! I think that is just how teenageres are. Staying up late is the cool thing to do, along with NOT taking vitamins or eating healthy. Anything "healthy" is strictly taboo. I don't have a solution, but I beleive they do need to establish their own values, and wean themselves off from relying totally on their parenst values. All that early childhood training was not in vain - eventually they figure it out - and then become parents themselves!

I have a 16-yr old daughter. I can understand. We can harp until we're blue in the face, but our teenager(s) won't hear us. In terms of healthy eating, here's what I do: When I go grocery shopping, I don't buy "junk" foods. If it's not in the house, then it won't get eaten. I buy a lot of fresh fruits, whole grain crackers, fat-free or reduced-fat cheeses, whole grain tortillas, 100% juice, etc. That way, my daughter will only eat healthy snacks. I also prepare dishes that are loaded with veggies for dinner. I know that when my daughter is our and about w/friends, they all eat greasy fast foods. When she's at home, I make sure that she's only getting all the healthy foods, so there is a balance. In terms of bed time, I encourage my daughter to participate in a lot of extra-curricular physical activities (i.e. hip-hop dancing, sports, etc.). The downside is, it's a lot of driving on my part. But, since, she's getting the exercise, she's pretty tired when she gets home. She goes to bed at 8, 8:30 at the lates. Unless, she's typing some sort of research paper, then, she might be up 'til 11PM. Well, I hope this works.

I know you have a lot of answers, I just wanted to send you a link that I found about teenagers and sleep times. I just read this the other day, so it is funny that I saw your question today. It is not your teenagers fault (they are not trying to irritate you LOL) it is their internal sleep clock.
Everyone has an internal clock that influences body temperature, sleep cycles, appetite and hormonal changes. The biological and psychological processes that follow the cycle of this 24-hour internal clock are called circadian rhythms. Before adolescence, these circadian rhythms direct most children to naturally fall asleep around 8 or 9 p.m. But puberty changes a teen's internal clock, delaying the time he or she starts feeling sleepy — often until 11 p.m. or later. Staying up late to study or socialize can disrupt a teen's internal clock even more.

For you, or anyone with teens this is where I found this:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/teens-health/CC00019

And on this site, the National Sleep Foundation, found that school starts too early for teenagers.

http://www.sleepfoundation.org/site/apps/nlnet/content3.a...

Just some interesting things to read. Good luck!

Teens need more sleep than they get. Sleep is when they grow as well as process to retain the information they get during the day. We'd be better off if the grade schools started earlier and the high school sarted later, but that would put athletics and work schedules an hour later as well.

My guess is that they are watching TV until that time of night with you? Turn the TV and computers off at 9 or 10, don't put either in their bedrooms (major disaster for many kids being up half the night gaming or instant messaging), and don't allow the cell phones in their rooms at night. If their only options are to read or sleep, they'll likely start sleeping more and thus learn better during the day. You have to be firm that this is how it is now, deal with it. They'll be mad for awhile but they'll also love you for being a caring mom, at least 10 yrs from now they will, lol.

S.,

Did you have this problem with your two other children? Tell them their bedtime, and if they don't listen give them consequences...like not going to an event they really would like to go to. Follow through, do not give in. Be consistent. Only you or your husband can change this...Tough Love! Just do it, you will be sooo glad you did!!!

C.

There is not right or wrong way to handle this problem. We all have learned what will work and what won't work with our own children, but we all need advice from time to time. One thing that I have found is that dealing with teens is like trying to hold the ocean back with a push broom. I too, have three boys who, like their father, tend to be night owls. The battle to get them to bed by 10 at night is of epic purportions. A fight of wills is one way to put it. I did find a part on the solution though. I have to work in our bakery and my start time is at 3:30a.m. which means if I want to get any kind of sleep, I'm in bed by 9:00. This happens three days a week and since my children don't like living with a banchee, they've learned to keep quiet during that time. Since being quiet for most teens is pretty boring, we've found that they tend to go to bed when we want them too. Since I've been working those hours, things have been usually quiet until something crawled up and bit them in the butts and they thought that I could sleep through anything. How wrong they were. Around mid-night, after telling them to be quiet and go to sleep, I came flying out of my room and told them,"Fine, all of you will be getting up with me at 3:00 and staying up until I get home. I will be calling every hour on the hour to make sure that no one is sleeping!" I must have been pretty scary looking because they did quiet down and go to sleep. They also figured that since this was a Saturday morning that they didn't have to get up early, wrong. Since I only work about 4 hours on that shift, when I got home I woke all of them including hubby and got them going on different projects. About noon they all wanted to take a nap. I then told them that they're felling what I feel every time I have to fight with them to be quiet at bed time. I then told them that I don't expect them to go to sleep right away, I just want them in bed. If I have to turn off a radio or light I don't mind, it's just that they need to relax (and I think that was the key word). Soon they were all asleep by 10:30. Except for hubby who still will burn the mid-night oil every night. I made it look like it was their choice to go to sleep at that time and not mine.

I like the suggestion about moving bedtime/curfew up 30 minutes for each time the kids are late to bed. But, coupled with this, I also agree with telling them that they need to at least be in their rooms for the night by bedtime. I was always in my room by about 9pm regardless of being tired (I typically wasn't)-partly to get away from my parents! I also spent the time on homework, etc. But as long as I was in my room, my mother seemed to trust that I was safe and went to bed at her own leisure. I guess some of it depends on how much you trust your kids. Realize that they do have to learn that when they don't get their sleep, they get sick etc. Better now than later in college or in their own apartment where you aren't readily available with chicken soup! :0)

My question is... do they get up and get ready on time in the morning with decent attitudes?

If the answer is yes then I would leave it alone.

I told my boys - now 18 and 20 what time the tv, phone and computer were done for the night. After that it was up to them.

If they started giving me grief on getting up or not being ready on time then I would start in on the what time to go to sleep and how to run their schedules.

My rule from day one has been-- control yourself or be controlled. It is a good life lesson because it works in every aspect of their lives.

Good Luck :)

When I was a teen, I was regularly awake until 2am even on school nights. I slept in on weekends.

My parents' rule was You must be in your room by 10pm, you can keep the lights on as long as you want, but after 10pm the music must be off and the door closed. If you are keeping us awake with noise after 10pm the lights go off.

I don't remember fighting them on any of that, since I could stay up as late as I wanted. My parents weren't kept up at night, and it was up to me to deal with the consequences of being tired in the morning and making to school on time etc.

(of course my sister regularly snuck out of her room aftr 10pm, so you might want to check on them randomly a few times a week at late hours to make sure they are actually there!

Hi S.,
I have a teen and fortunately we homeschool so it is not as big of issue. I've heard that teens naturally just stay up later and need to sleep later. Not good when you have to get up early.
Someone recommended a book to me which has been useful. "Teen Breakthrough, the relationship approach" It has been helpful.
I have my own home business too, have for 12 years, have done very well, I pay our mortgage with my check. Feel free to contact me.
Peace and Blessings,
S.

I am a single mom of 4 (15,13,11,9) and my oldest is in highschool and I also wish she would go to bed at a reasonable hour. That isn't always how it works, she goes to bed when her homework is done. She has an extracuriccular activity and eats dinner and goes and does homework. Some nights she is up till way past my bed time. I jsut go to bed now. I used to waiit till she was going to bed but I need sleep and she knows she needs to get it done and NEEDS sleep too. I guess I would just say goodnight and tell them to turn out the lights and that you checked the doors (that they are locked) and your off to bed. Letting go is tough but I have to take care of me! So I can be the best mom I can be

S.,

Things are different now that your kids aren't little anymore. They are within a few years of being adults on their own, so your strategy has to change some. You can't force them to go to sleep, but you can set rules like be in your bedroom by 10pm with lights out. (No phone calls, electronic entertainment after 10.) They can stay up and read with a reading light if they want to.

The more you harp on them, the more they will rebel. If you want cooperation, you have to take a different angle and pick your battles more carefully. Sure, it would be great if they drank the recommended 64-88 oz of water a day, but if you aren't having to take them to the emergency room for dehydration, let it go. Many of these good habits they will pick up 10 years from now because they saw your good example, but they aren't likely to do anything you nag them about.

Good luck,
S.