Teen Daughter - Beckley,WV

Updated on December 14, 2006
B.O. asks from Beckley, WV
8 answers

I have a (soon to be) step daughter. Her mother does not have a whole lot to do with her or her younger siblings. I have talked to her until I am blue in the face for the past 9 months that I have been in her life and she still seems to be headed down a spiral ladder at warp speed. She had asked her dad if she could go somewhere with the 17 year old boy she has been talking to for the past month on her cell phone. He, of course, said no. She has had a additude since. Her dad went on the computer last night and pulled up her MySpace account and read 2 horrible poems she had. One she found online and one she wrote herself. They were horrible. Talking about how much she hated him, she wished he were dead, and so forth. The one she wrote even went as far as to say that he never took care of them, provided for them, and that the reason the he was divorced from her mother is because her dad is a drunk. Now to clarify a few things I have been around since Feb 2006. Her dad has been divorced for 7 1/2 years from their mother who ran off with another man when she was five, sisters were 4 and twins were 1 1/2. We have all lived under same roof for about 2 months now her mother calls them once in a while but that is it. She is with a different man every two weeks or so. She (step daughter) has a cell phone, internet access, and other things that most or alot of kids dont. Her dad and I bend over backwards to make sure they have everything they need and more. So tell me or give me some advice what to do. Her dad has so far done nothing except let her talk to him like he is nothing and upset him with her little remarks and especially her poem. My suggestion is take the phone and internet access away. He had the same suggestion but his suggestion was to take the three older ones phones and access away. I told him that was not fair because my son (15) and her sister (12) did nothing wrong and the twins (9) dont have phones but they play lots of games (mostly educational ones) on the internet. So taking all their priveledges away would not be fair. I need advice on what to do. I am hoping someone out there can help me.

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So What Happened?

What happenend is she has now (at 13) sat her father and I down and told us she has had sex (twice) with her boyfriend. She also told her mother that she wants to be pregnant. She started her monthly two days after she had the sex twice. She is such a wonderful child sometimes. I just can't figure out how at thirteen girls are thinking about sex and having babies. Her dad and I told her we love her and always will but we will not tolerate this kind of behavior. She wanted to know if we were mad. Well yes we are mad but that does not change the fact that we love her. Her mom has went totally ballistic but her mom has not been there for her in the past 7 years her dad has. With her mom acting this way she is just pushing her farther and farther away. Her mom moved and her and her boyfriend helped her move. Her mom let her boyfriend spend the night.....tell me why? Her mom was already aware of the sex situation between the two so why would you let him spend the night. My soon to be significant other is furious about that one. All we can do is not let her out of our sight. Thing is it happened right under our noses and we had no clue. She was never allowed to be alone with him and when he came over to visit there were specific rules about how long and how late he could stay. Come to find out while we thought the other two teens were with them the whole time in the workout room in our basement, there were not. The other two knew what was going on. That in itself makes me mad also but it was not all there fault. The 15 year old son said he was not her babysitter. I guess he is right but a little warning that they were by themselves while we were intertaining the 9 year old twins would have been nice. We knew the four of them were in the basement but not the two of them in one room alone. He keeps telling me not to blame myself but I can not help it. He said she was going to do it regardless and we can not lock them all up and throw away the keys. That is what I would like to do. Well I have taken enough of yalls time but thanks for all the wonderful advice and if you have any for the current situation please let me know!

More Answers

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M.L.

answers from Fort Wayne on

Hey I am there with you. I raised 5 sons and now I'm married to a wonderful man. He has his youngest daughter living here and it was a Rocky road at first. You sometimes don't know what to say or do. I started out with her friend and sitter at times. Then I was like you not knowing when the bad was on the way. One of the things you need to remember that men sometimes don't see things woman or mom's see. So she feels your invading her space. Just keep reassuring her you not going anywhere. She thinks she can push you away. She needs the disapline in her life. Take her phone,internet,and what ever else that she shouldn't be doing. Don't punish the other kids for her mistakes. Taking from the other kids is going to give her negative attention. You set down with her and try to work on a plan of behavior. YOU ARE THE PARENTS NOT HER....This can be fair or be unfair on her. Give her rules to go by and if she doesn't stick to them, punish her. Whether it take grounding taking things she likes to do. I bet you might find she has some problems and Dad can't answer them. She is just using him for a pawn on to what is really bothering her.

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A.P.

answers from Louisville on

Your step-daughter sounds like she's been through a lot! Though she was only five when her parents got divorced, as the oldest, she probably felt some pressure to step up and be the mother-figure since her mom was gone. And the eights years of growing up, she had no one to turn to but herself. And I'm sure since her mom's not around much, she feels like her mom threw her away. And now all of a sudden there's a new woman in the house. Plus she's going through puberty. That's a lot for a 13-year-old. And her actions that you have been seeing are probably her way of rebeling.

I would say that she needs therapy! Some of my friend's went to therapy. And they loved it. It gave them a chance to say anything and get it all off their chest. And they ended up having better realtionships with their parents/ step-parents. Make sure that the therapist and your step-daughter is a good fit, and make sure that she knows it's confidential. That way she can open up, and the therapist can help her.

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A.W.

answers from Lafayette on

Hmmmmm...this sounds familiar. Might say "been there done that." except that my step-daughter doesn't live with us...yet...and she wasn't talking badly of her father, she was talking badly of me. Basically it boiled down to her testing her waters to see if she make me leave. When she found that I wasn't going anywhere and her game wasn't working things changed. To make matters worse, she expected her dad to choose between me and her and he chose me. Needless to say that with a little tough love and some patience, I am now not only her step mom but her best friend as well. It sounds to me like she has a bit of anger and resentment with the split up between him and his mom. And right now she views you as a threat because as long as he's with you they won't get back together. Not to mention that it sounds like he's been spending alot of time trying to make things up to her for the split up wich I'm sure he felt really bad about it. Take the internet away for a period of time, if she keeps on then take the phone away too...only take away one thing at a time or you will run out things to ground her from. Don't take away from the other kids unless they start playing up too. It's not right to punish them for her doings. Good luck.

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S.B.

answers from Huntington on

If all else fails u might need 2 get her some counseling.There is a chance it may help her......that is if she wants 2 help herself.I wish u the best.lol

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C.R.

answers from Kokomo on

You really should take away the phone and access to the internet. Someone her age should not be talking to a boy who is 17. You're right when you say it would not be fair to the others to punish them for the way she is acting. Maybe try to get some kind of couneling for her, there has to be an underlineing reason as to why she has these kind of feels towards her father. Getting some kind of help for her now will help her in the future. Individual counseling or Family counseling may help everyone. Here are a few places that you can call and see what they say or get some advice.
Pediatric Psychology Center ###-###-####
608 E. Boulevard
Family Psychiatric Center ###-###-####
702 W. Alto Rd
Kokomo Counseling Center ###-###-####
508 E. Southway Blvd.
Community Counseling Center 888-204-6242

I hope this helps and I hope things get better for you and your family..

C.

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S.F.

answers from Louisville on

You and Daddy dearest need to set her down and tell her that the princess no longer lives in your house. Take her cell and internet access, if the other children have done nothing wrong, then they have no need to loose theirs. Pull her MySpace page as well. If you think that's too harsh, go in and edit it to remove those very offensive poems. She can earn the privilages back by good behavior. A 13 year old girl has no business going anywhere with a 17 year old boy.

Unfortunately, you're cast in the role of the evil-step mother and there's not much that can be done for that. However, as a word of hope, I looked at my step mother (who has honestly been the only mother that I've ever known) when my oldest child was born, and apologized for every bit of hell I ever put her through.

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L.B.

answers from Muncie on

I dont know what advice i can really give, my two step daughters dont want anything to do with their dad (my husband) wehave been married since dec of 2004..at first the 14 year old sep daughter was great, but found out she was spying on us because we seeking custody of her brother 15, she does not want to nor did she ever what a relationship wiht us, why not really sure,the oldest came into our lives a year ago (18) because of her mother she was taken away from him before she was even born, and do to circimstances he did not want a relationship he was offered when he was...(long story) it hurts me and hubby that the girls dont want anything to do with us.. my step daughter has called me names, and tells her friends in front of her brother she hates her father, and all kinds of nasty thngs,i too have found letters from her about her feelings towards her father, but will not ever let him know it will crush him....wish i had some advice...but i dont..i guess just love her unconditionally and pray that she comes around..L.

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M.M.

answers from Wheeling on

WOW WOW WOW I am here to tell you I know your story well...I am a therapeutic foster parent in belmont county and let me tell you I have lived this story about 12 times.

1st of all...she has no respect for you Right?
She isn't going to for quite some time yet. No matter how much you do right her mom (real mom) is always going to be right and you are wrong. Don't take it personal remember she is dealing with a lot. Try to put your self in her shoes you know the old saying you get more flys with sugar then vinegar...true true true. Be sweet to her and be understanding of her position and tell her that you are not trying to take the place of her mom you are just trying to be her friend and help her make her life the best it can be.

Ask her what her expectations of you are and let her know what your are of her and work it out together. You will get a lot further with her if she thinks you are on her side. Let her see how you help her. At the same time let her know that you love her dad and you are not going to stand by and watch anyone hurt him the way she is hurting him...

Your position is a difficult one...but it can be dealt with

2nd....I hope you take this advice it will do wonders for your whole house hold....As a fosterparent I have had lots of trainings on how to deal with children and there problems and the best training I have ever attended is called Parenting with Love and Logic.

There are lots of books and videos on the subject. Go to the library and look up all you can on it. Love and Logic works... It works with all kids..it teaches parents how to offer choices they can live with and with you having so many young children headed into teen years you are going to need it.

3rd

Don't let your son get lost in the mix...Sometimes when we are stuggling with one child they get all of the attention and the others get pushed out of the picture... be sure to balance your time....You chose how much time you spend on troublesome issues and how much time you spend on happy issues. Kids learn that if you get more attention for the good things then that is where they want to be....again its all in the love and logic. Trust me you won't regret it...If you need more info feel free to contact me by email at ____@____.com problems are so familiar to me and I would be very happy to help you in anyway I can. Good luck Hugs M.

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