Teen Daughter and 'Myspace'

The most important thing is that the computer is in a 'public' part of the house. She should not be using it in her room or any other private place. Just as you would quickly click off any vulgar images if you know you are being watched over, she will also. Generally people don't want to be observed looking at trashy stuff.

Do you really think that 1 year is going to make that much of a difference, tell her you have reconsidered because she has shown to be responsible enough, but as soon as you see her faulter you'll remove the privilege.

My stepson recently moved in with us and he is also 13. He has a myspace page he started before he moved in with us. He also is a good kid and gets good grade. We allow him to have his myspace page since he had to move about 45 minutes away from his friends. The thing that made the decision for me is... he is a good kid. We are going to move the computer he uses into the dining room so we can better monitor what he is doing on it. I also told him that to have these privleges he must provide us with his passwords to his e-mail account and his myspace account. I know this isn't too helpful. I just went with what my gut told me to do. The things that are inappropriate on myspace are also out there on other internet sites. As long as you have access to the page and a password to it, you still have some control.

Instead of giving her her own myspace, have you thought about letting her use yours? If she is that far away from friends, then that is a good way of her keeping in touch with them without costing you a ton of money in phone bills or gas. I would just limit her time and keep and eye on her while she is on there. Good luck.

For every "good" reason a teen might give you for having a myspace account, there are hundreds of bad reasons not to give in and do so at this young age. Although she is a good girl, there is a great deal of extremely bad stuff on myspace. Even if you control her account, set it to private, and know her passwords, that does not stop her from being exposed to inappropriate things on her friends' pages (inappropriate language, profanity, sexual content, provocative pictures, bullying,etc). As she is exposed to this over and over, there is a desensitizing effect where such things are considered "no big deal." Why do you think so many teen girls are so eager to take semi-nude and inappropriately sexualized pictures of themselves and post them? They have no idea of the repercussions or long-term effects this can have. Everything posted on the internet can eventually come back to haunt, only teenagers don't have the long-term view to think that way. I'm not saying your daughter would do this; rather, I'm just saying that behavior like I have mentioned is all over the place on myspace, and over time, teens tend to think it's no big deal.

As others have mentioned, people can hack into accounts, even those set to private, and then you subject yourself to every sick person looking for his next victim. You don't even have to put a last name or street address or school. Predators can read teens' messages to each other about what events they attend, where they went recently, and figure out where kids like to go. Again, even if your daughter's account is set to private, all it takes is one of her friends to have an account that is not set to private, and the predator can read every message your daughter sends to that person. I have worked in state and federal prisons and know how sex offenders think and the unbelieveable tricks they use to prey on innocent children. Any young person on any internet site must be monitored. It isn't a matter of privacy or not trusting your children, it's a matter of their safety and protection.

Finally, as a parent who has gone through the myspace issues with my now older step-children, I personally believe that you should wait, and when and if you decide to allow her a myspace account, monitor everything. We did, and we were shocked by the things that the kids were exposed to on this site. Even good kids need supervision and direction. They need the adults in their lives to tell them what is appropriate and what is not. Otherwise, they will absorb the values of what they see before them repeatedly. Children at this age do not have the same reasoning and life experiences that we as adults have to draw upon when making decisions and forming ideas about life.

You seem like a wonderful and caring parent. Stick to your intstincts and protect your daughter!

Best of luck to you and your family!

My 13 year old daughter has a MySpace account and I wish I had made her wait. Her account is private, I have access to it and there hasn't been any problem. However, she did have to lie about her age and I don't think that was a good lesson to teach. Stick to your original agreement - you will be happier!

NO - NO and NO! MySpace is NOT a good thing for kids this age. If she feels the need to converse with friends - have her get AOL instant messaging - or an email address. Make sure YOU are very involved in all the conversations and check the emails. Take it from a mom of a 17, 12, 4, 3 year old boys. I know MANY friends and family members who have had kids like your daughter and gave in to a MY SPACE. You are asking for TROUBLE with a capital "T". In this day and age there are so many BAD and SEXUAL pop-up that come up on MY SPACE. You are basically putting your "good girl" out there for all to see and corrupt. I would highly advise that she find another way to communicate with her peers! Try to explain to her that you are doing this out of love and not to be mean. You are older and wiser and know what is best for her.
Good luck!

J.
Giggle Moon Photography
http://www.gigglemoonphotography.com

If you give in you are teaching your child that rules and age laws don't apply. You would have to lie to get a My Space page, don't do it.

NO NO NO. I am at the same place with my daughter, who is also a super kid. Among the reasons we have great kids is becuase we set boundries and stick to them. First off, you said no, second of all, their rules require the kids be 14. Period. I explained to my chld that I understood how disappointed she was, but we would revisit it when she was 14. Period. I empathized, I heard about how "all the other kids have one" and then explained that I was not their parent and we would revisit it when she was 14. Period. I listened to how I was ruining her life and then told her we would revisit it when she was 14. Period. I'm sure you're getting the pattern!

While I strongly believe in being flexible when possible this issue is larger than just a website. By not following the rules we are tacitly telling our kids that the rules don't apply to them. That's not a message I'm interested in sending my child, and from the sounds of it, you're not comfortable with it either. She can stay in touch by IM'ing, textng etc.

I'm not even going to go into the safety issue, you sound savvy enough to get it. Personally I'm not comfortable putting my child on a pedophile grocery store. BTW, I have a myspace page as well, but allegedly, we're adults!

Best of luck, and get some ear plugs!

There was an article about this very subject two years ago in the Los Angeles Times and I just found it for you! A mom (a writer) was wrestling with this very issue and decided to (against her good judgement) to sign up her 13-yr old daughter it and monitor it alongside with her. The mom was shocked at what she was reading (what her daugher and friends were up to). The article was about their conversations. Very eye-opening.

Testing the Boundaries of Myspace - Los Angeles Times
April 6, 2006, by Catherine Sailant
Do a search for it and you can read the PDF document. It's worth reading.

But when I do a search for "13 yr old" etc... or "should I let my 13-year-old open a myspace account" HUNDREDS of links come up (not very many happy stories).

STICK TO THE RULE. (If you bend the rules, you are teaching her it's OK to bend the rules. The rule exists for a reason.) She has to wait. And then when you open that pandora's box, you MUST monitor it. One basic rule is that if children are using the computer they need to be in a public space (kitchen) not locked in their bedroom without any supervision.

I found a story online of a shocked mother who found naked pictures of her 13 yr old daughter on myspace. She took them to send to her then "boyfriend." They broke up (surprise) and he posted them online. Nice.

Something else I found:
http://askmeanmom.blogspot.com/2007/07/q-dear-mean-mom-my...

As a side note, there is a lot of drama in your life right now (new marriage, moving) and "new" things always cause stress for kids. That type of stress often leads to "surprises" (misbehavior) by teens. Although these changes may be very positive, they still cause unexpressed emotion and children may act out. So keep an eye out for that.

This thing (opening a myspace account) right now is BAD idea. Things need to settle in her live (your lives) first.

And finally, she doesn't need a myspace account to contact her friends, does she? What about e-mail? Don't they all have an e-mail account? Or how about a phone call?

H. this is very simple. You don't have to make a choice it's been made for you. IT IS THE LAW. Use this as a great opportunity to teach your daughter about respecting the law, not doing everything her friends do, even though they know it's illegal (ie under age drinking), show her that mom is an upstanding citizen and you get to escape all the blame!!!! She will be 14 in no time. There are other ways for her to communicate with her friends. This is an important illustration. Stand up and be a parent. She will respect you for it especially at some later date when you are trying to tell her that rules must be obeyed and she can't throw back in your face that you broke them so easily before. Hope this helps.

R.

My daughter is 14 and has wanted a "myspace" since she heard of it. She sounds a lot like your daughter. Incredibly good, very social, etc. I don't want her to. I don't, her dad doesn't, but all her friends do. What I told her BEFORE the age was reached was; A) If the first argument FOR something is "everybody has one", or "everybody is doing it", the answer is absolutely NO. B) I realize that other moms and dads lie to allow their kids to have myspace accounts, but that doesn't make it alright. C) If you can tell me 3 things you can do on myspace that you can't accomplish the same things anywhere else - either online or offline - then when you are 14, you will definitely have one. She couldn't think of even 1, and she became very inventive in the attempt, as well as having to actually think. Since she turned 14, I told her that yes, it is true that I don't need to be present to make an account, but that I would greatly appreciate it if she didn't make an account. Her grades have slipped to "just" A's & B's since she started being able to be online regularly, (not that it isn't a good thing to be able to get all A's & B's, but she really is smarter than that) and that is WITHOUT myspace. I would let her know and remind her that there is a purpose to your having an account while house hunting, and were I you, I would let her know that you plan to discontinue its use and the account as soon as you find one - and then make SURE that you follow through. As well, if you "give in", she will "beat you down" on everything you ever say no to again. Let her know that it is not just a priveledge you get at 14, it is a responsibility, and that if she does get a myspace when the timing is "right" (after 14) and she uses the responsibility inappropriately, then you have every right (and you will use it) to take away that priveledge.

Good luck!

I hate to say it but........... You need to stick with your rules. She can still communicate with Email. If you go back on this rule it will be so hard to set anymore. Rules are there for a reason. Im so glad you've got such a special daughter. She sounds great! You are only protecting her and believe me, she will understand ( maybe not now LOL). You sound like a wonderful mom, keep up the good work!

H.,

I will start by saying I can't tell you what to do. I can just tell you what we did and what has worked for us. I was completely against myspace, so the first thing I did was get an account and get familiar with tools available. Then since we were moving after my daughters 8th grade year I allowed her to start one at the end of the year last year. The rules were as follows.
1. It had to be marked private.
2. She could only add friends if she told me who they were.
3. I have to have her log in and password so that I can check her friends list at anytime.
4. She is not allowed to send anything "naughty".
5. She is not allowed to say bad things about people on myspace.
6. If she gets in trouble, Myspace is the first thing to go.
7. She is only allowed an hour in the AM and an hour in the PM.

My daughter is also 13. Smart, good kid. She skipped a grade so she is 13 and just finished her freshman year. That was even tougher because they ALL had one. It has worked well for us. You have to do what you feel right about. I do like the fact that she can talk with friends via the computer instead of always wanting me to take her to see them.

Good Luck...Do what feels right to you!
T.

Hi H.! I was not aware of the age "rule" on myspace. I have friends who have made pages for their toddlers, and of course kept it private, but made it to share pictures with close family and friends who lived several miles away. Myspace can be abused, but I think it's original intent was a good one. As with most things in life.
I agree with another poster, there are exceptions to some rules. I have a myspace, but my kids are both under five. I've yet to face this issue as a parent.
If you decide to let her have a myspace...have complete control over it. You should create the account with her. Use your email address as the sign on name, you both make the password. And just have an active role in the account. So, you can check in and see that things are fine. You mentioned that you had an account, become 'friends' on myspace so you can check her page from yours, you'll be able to see bulletins posted, or anything she posts on her page. And if the account is set up through your email, if she were to change the password on myspace with out your knowledge... You could request the password on the myspace sign on page. And the password will be sent to your email address. Also, if she got sneaky and wanted to change her sign on email, it HAS to be approved through the original email. Does that make sense? In other words, if you use your email address to get a myspace, she really can't hide anything. It all comes to you in your inbox. You can have it set up to where any email, friend request or comment is sent to your personal email.
I firmly believe that if you're an active parent, which you seem to be, can safely have a child on myspace.
But, that's just my opinion. I'm sure many disagree. Feel free to contact me if need be...
Good Luck!! :)

Just my opinion but I would let her have it now. She's away from her friends, could there be anything worse for a girl her age? You could explain because she is so mature and responsible that you will allow her to break the age limit rule. She could meet someone in person right there in the apartment complex that's a threat to her values or her safety even. Keep her happy and understood, not rebellious or depressed. My daughter had to add me as a friend along with other rules. One house computer, she never had her own. Good luck

It is your decision, but I say stick to the rules. She will be alright and will get to reconnect with her friends. Everyone has email also (I'm sure she already has email.) and she can keep in touch that way. If she is going to continue to respect authority, as you have obviously raised her to do, she is going to have to see you abiding by the rules. Myspace has their age limit for a reason, like you said. You have to trust yourself and stick to your guns. Don't doubt yourself! You have to protect your daughter. She is responsible, but you cannot vouch for all of the other people out there. Online predators don't take special circumstances into account. "This sweet, innocent girl only has an account because she needs to keep contact with her friends. I won't mess with her." I say do the right thing and keep yourself and your daughter out of harm's way. (I think you could be prosecuted for breaking the age rule. I know for sure that it would be difficult for you to press charges if someone mistreated your daughter since you broke the rules to get her on there in the first place.) Go with your guts and stand by the rules you have already enforced.

I have a daughter who is turning 16 7/7, and she has had a myspace for years now!! When I originally let her open a page, I did it under my email (she knew nothing about password info and all), so now I can access her account whenever I feel the need, even if she changes her password daily. I think they are OK to have one as long as you monitor her site and have restrictions. I did not allow her to have provocative photos, or any personal information like what school she attends, area she lives in, etc. So far there have been no issues and she feels "grown up" to have her own account. I am also one of her friends as well as some of the kids she knows. I periodically check the pages to see comments, blogs and pictures just for my comfort. If she is going to stray and do wrong, its more than likely not going to happen on myspace, so no worries!!

I must be old fashioned but I think you should stick to 14. Why can't kids just talk on the house phone like we did when we were kids? Good Luck!

don't back down...if you do there will come another time/issue and she will think you will give in there too. there will always be exceptions bus you need to stick to your word so she takes you seriously! This is a great time for her to learn you mean what you say AND to learn to make new riends, find new hobbies, spend more time wih you....before you know it she will be a full on teenager...yout time is limited with her befreo the 'growing up' begins so enjoy!!!

H.:

I can very much relate as mine is the same age and I faced the same situation. My first response was no you are too young! I too have a MySpace page and am well aware of the fun social network it can be as well as dangers that lerk. However, after giving it some thought I came to the conclusion with the proper precautions in place, it really wasn't something I felt I need to stick to my guns on. I guess at their age and as you know, being responsible is really what it's all about. Your daughter certainly sounds like she has proved to be a responsible young lady by being able to hold down the grades she does. Kudos to her on that. After my son brought home some great grades I talked to him about it. I let him know how proud I was of him and felt it would be ok to create a MySpace page as long as he understood my expectations. That it be used as a social network for his friends only! I set his controls to private so that only his friends could view his page and NO ONE else! He isn't allowed to post his picture on the site and where they are he put up a picture of his favorite football team. I didn't want his picture out on the internet anywhere. With these controls your daughter will only be contacted by friends of hers you have approved and all others are blocked! It really is the same settings I have in place when he is on AOL. Even on AOL the pages he can view and contacts he can receive are limited to the contols I set. I keep the sign on log information and do check the page often to make sure all is as I expect. This would allow your daughter to chat with friends only and she can not be contacted by strangers! I have to say I haven't had one single problem since doing so. He loves having the page and it was just another step in him learning that he will be given some freedom and that he is responsible for adhering to what is expected. He was fine with those terms, is happy to have his own page and has been great about following the rules or.. the page is gone! But as a mother we always want to take precautions and by having her sign on information you can check the page and make sure you are comfortable with her usage. Believe it or not, when I explained all the rules he was so happy to be able to get his own page he didn't balk at all ;-) I know many may disagree but I think by guiding them through the tech world they are in is wiser than just saying no and finding out later their friend set up a page for them which many do! I prefer my son be in his room reading a book but let's face it... they are the MySpace generation and to be honest, now that he has the page ... it has lost some of it's zeal somewhat... go figure! lol. It was all about MySpace and now he will sign on maybe twice a week, lol. Whatever you decide, it sounds like you are doing a great job at raising a smart young lady so best wishes to the both of you.

L.

You should stick to your word so your word actually means something. But you should also monitor her activities. MySpace and any unmonitored website can be a scary and dangerous place for children. Don't start anything you will regret later. I monitored my children’s activities well into their teens and thank goodness I did. My step-daughters friend was being contacted by a 33 year old who was saying things like "I can't wait until you turn 18." Protect your daughter, please, pedophiles are everywhere.
I hope it all works out for you and her.
Melissa

UGH ! B

A= why are kids are the way they are today and disrespect their parents. Be a parent first and abid by the laws. Wait till she wants to have someone in the car with her before her 1st year of driving with a license is up. The battle begins with the law now or you'll be fighting a long road ahead...

Maybe for the summer you could "Share" one with her -- you control the passwords, but let her use it under supervision and keep it Private for just her friends. Ultimately you must make the decision.

Hi H.,

My oldest is almost there, she's 10 going on 20. I'm sure you know how that is. :) I think we have similer values when it comes to our girls. I feel the same way about all this technology and especially the internet. I'm a very protective mom and maybe too much some times but in these days I feel we can't be to careful with our kids. Too much is happening to them and it seems like people want to just hurt kids. When I saw your post I thought about the 13 or 14 yo girl who comitted suicide because another girl went on myspace and pretended to be a boy and they were friends or whatever it is on that site and then he(she) said all these horrible things to her and she hung herself. The teens are such a hard age and the emotions are so strong that if something happens it's like the end of the world for them. I personally won't allow my daughter to go on myspace until she's like 16. I limit the internet very carefully and supervise when she is on it. There's just too much out there that can really ruin there childhood. I'm trying to keep mine inoccent and a "child" for as long as possible. I want to give mine everything too, but if your gut is telling you "no" then it's probably your mothering intuition telling you something. It's a dangerous world out there with grown men posing as kids to get them to meet them and all that crazy stuff. Even really good kids get wrapped up in things when there young. Especially girls when it comes to the boy crazy age. Maybe something more mellow like texting or an instant messaging program for the computer? Or even just monitor her myspace page and check it everyday before she goes on. Tell her the deal is she can have it but you have to have full access to everything. The internet scares me to no end for my kids. Everytime she goes on I'm so paranoid that she's going to see something she shouldn't....like the pop-up's with naked girls in not so lady like poses!! Good luck to you in whatever you decide and bless your wonderful family. Just listen to your intuition, for mom's it's very strong.

ok! I know from experience what it feels like to leave everyone you knew & loved (ok, not everyone but you know how teens exaggerate) behind.... I got my myspace for that very reason. Just make sure you have her password... set a time limit (I had to set one on myself that thing gets addicting!) ... make sure she talks to you (yes asks permission) before adding anyone that you don't personally know! .... oh, yes, computer in public... that is good even for us as adults. I mean temptations don't go away just because your an adult! I personally know people who's little kids have a myspace. I think its great.. they get to interact, they get writing practice, & as long as mom is on top of them they are FINE! oh, yeah make it private by putting her age at 14! good luck!

H. W.

I agree with Tanya as saying yes with very strong parameters.

Add:

I you walk up to the computer while she is on her my space she needs to be comfortable with you seeing what is one the screen.

You need to personally know all her "friends" and she can not visit "friends" on her "friends" sight unless you know them.

Let her know if any of the rules is not followed even for one second she will lose the privelege until she is at least 14.

Also, put a time limit on it for each day. If she goes over the time limit she will lose the privilege for that week. She needs to be the one to moniter her time. Of course you will also (in the background)

Evelyn

I agree with Yvette. Let her have one under your direction- make it clear that you will be checking it from time to time and the stipulation is you will continue to check even after 14. It actually could be a good thing-giving in a little, letting her know you completely trust her. 14 is no different then 13 and this way you can keep track of her for years to come. Its a compromise. I think giving in on occasion strengthens the bond. I say the same things to my kids- I trust you till you give me a reason not to and I have 2 great kids 21 and 17, they have always appreciated the ability to compromise.

This is so incredibly dangerous to our children. Mine don't have it, and just knowing they aren't allowed, and really understanding why, they don't press the issue. You need to look at this knowing and willing to take the consequences that you might potentially be faced with. Consider the risk in losing your daughter to some sick pervert. This has happened to even the "best" of children. There is a creep out there just waiting to prey on her... Don't give him the opportunity.

There are plenty of other ways for your daughter to stay connected with her friends.

What I did is create the myspace for my daughter and I did not give her the password, I let her go on it when I was there and I would make sure that content is okay and what she was doing with it is okay. (My daughter is 14 and a half, however) I also programmed it so that only people that knew her last name could request to be her friend, which eliminates request from pedophiles, strangers, etc.)

Your daughter will respect you more if you follow through with what you've said.

I really dont like Myspace for teenagers because a number of women I know with good kids have found their teen daughters on MySpace posing semi-naked and talking to grown men on it.

Have you talked to your daughter about internet predators, how they operate and how she shouldn't engage in conversation with anyone who wants to discuss sex, or her body with her? I think Dr Phil has an online safety information on his website that is very helpful.

Too many teenage girls end up doing stuff they didnt think they would do because they tried to please the person they were talking to on MySpace.

Make sure you know exactly what the kids her age are doing on MySpace. Make sure you know how to navigate MySpace yourself and are aware of how some kids set their settings to private and give their friends the password so parents cannot look.

Never let yourself be computer illiterate and Myspace illiterate, educate yourself on how to navigate through it and find out stuff on MySpace.

Good luck!

Well, since you already told her "no" I'd say stick to it. But if you are feeling like you'd want her to have a temporary account then maybe set one up with your details? My little sister wanted one very badly when she was 12, so despite all the craziness we set her up an account where her age was 50 and she was located in a town far from where we truely live. She was only allowed to be on Myspace when one of us was there to keep an eye on her and only we knew the password so she couldnt get on without one of us signing her in. It seemed to work quite well, and she never got any inapropriate messages etc, because her page was private nad we blocked all band, group, etc invites. We also checked out each friend she had and only kept them once we verified who they were. It sounds like a lot of work, but it really truely is a great way for them to stay in contact with their friends during school breaks, and we knew that she was doing it in a very safe atmosphere. Becaue we were strict from the start now that she is 15 she has her own account and uss it very wisely caue she knows we can still check up on her since we are her top 2. Well, good luck and hopefully it will be a fun experiance for you all.

Well if you already told her that she has to be 14 to get one then stick with that. My sister, who is 16 going on to 17 next month, didn't get one until she was 15. My mom knew nothing about it so I watch what she does and who she talks to. She may not understand it now but in the long run she will when she gets older. Also watch if she does get one behind your back because like another mom said what you say and she does is two different things. If anything get her an e-mail address so that way she can keep in contact with her friends without all the myspace stuff. Hopefully this does work out for you. Stick to your word and don't give in.

Hi H., the way i feel about it is if you give in once no matter the circumstances they feel they will always be able to hoax you. Hey but thats just my opinion. My son is only 2 1/2. Good luck S. c

There's got to be something else you can instead of this. Maybe set up her own email account so she can email her friends if she doesn't already have one. I don't know how facebook works, but maybe that is different.

You said it, so now you must follow thru. Do not give in. Special circumstances or not, she should be meeting friends the good old fashioned way-- especially at her age. Find things for her to do where she can meet people her age. I think myspace breeds nothing but bad behavior. It is not a place for young kids. Just talk to her about it. My half sister wasn't able to have one at 14--even tho "all her friends had one"! I gave her parents props for that!

Hmmm. I have 2 daughters, my oldest being 11. She has been asking for a myspace for a year now. Some of her 11 year old friends have one. They also have cell phones and other things. In my opinion. There is an age law of 14 for a reason. For these parents that allow thier children to have a myspace page before the proper age it shows the kids that laws are not necessary and can be broken when it suits them. Since you have already promised her a myspace when she is 14, why go back on your word? It is hard to be the last one to do things out of your friends. I know! However, stick to your guns, there may be something else she wants in a few years, like a piercing or tattoo. You don't want to give in now and have to explain your actions later. If you feel that she has "earned" something special since she is such a good girl, why not take her out and buy her some "cool" clothes for school and have a mom and me day to make her feel special and to thank her for being such a good, mature child. Good luck H.. =)

C.

Hi
Where is your computer located. It would be safer if the computer was in a communal area, such as the kitchen or dining room where you could randomly check on her
Good luck

well it seems like all the kids have a my space and i do as well. My 3 grandchildren have one ages 11 and 13 but I can monitor because I have a my space account also. It is just a social thing like the phone used to be when my children were growing up. I know the age limit is 15.....but thats just the way we feel. B. Lopez

you are singin my song, my daughter is 15, and about the same, shes already had a bad encounter with some perv, shes very good at computers, and she lies about her age, she does alot of art on the computer and to do anything really good or worth money you have to go to the 18plus, but me and my husband, check everything, and my parents help, its very important to moniter everything, also with my daughter she has to earn computer time, chores, worth so many min. chores done wrong, time taken away, she also has to earn going to friends, shes great, and its very scary for me that shes getting to the point of not wanting to hang out with us, cherish each moment, and try not to let anger get in the way, always let her know you love her, im sure you do allready, but sometimes i have to remind myself. good luck!

I would stick to your guns and wait until she's 14. This will show her a good example of 1) meaning what you say, and 2) obeying the law. Because if she got a myspace now, you would have to lie about her age to do it, and you don't want to give her the impression that it's ok to lie under any circumstances. I think you should wait.

Wow, you got a lot of responses on this one. I, too, have a 13 year old and we moved to Nevada from Florida about four months ago and in the process of moving into a new house. My Space lets my daughter (also a very "good" girl with straight A's) keep in touch with her friends that she left behind. If you choose to allow the page, be sure that you have her log on and and password and make no bones about the privacy issue. Check her page out randomly and her friend's pages, too. Also, keep the computer in a completely open space so anyone can see what she is doing at any time. I, also, check my daughter's history (have a separate account for her to use on the computer) and her emails randomly. I know it feels like a violation of privacy, but at 13, they are still so vulnerable and if I'm legally responsible for her actions, I want to know what is going on in her life. The key is to keep the computer out of her room. We made that mistake and she was on it when she should have been in bed. Now, its public. Good luck!

My best advice, is that because your daughter is only 13, perhaps you could set up the account for her, and that you will both agree on the password, so that you may monitor her interaction. You should require that she adds you to her friends list, and, let her know that if she changes her password, you will delete her account. Also, maybe you should put the computer in a "public area" in your home.

a compromise might be a good solution. you could help her create a myspace page on your computer, which she can use only in a public space in your apartment. but don't let her know the password...you create the password so that she can only access myspace with your knowledge and under your close supervision. then pick an age that you think she will be allowed to know the password (like 15 or 16), then pick another age that you think she'll be able to have her own password (like when she registers to vote...or can buy alcohol or gets a marriage license or an aarp card).

Hi H.. Knowing that you are taking these precautions says a lot of how much of a good mom you are. I would like to say that I've been down this similar path with my kids. You already have set boudaries and your daughter respects you. I allowed my daughters of 17, 15 and 9 years old to have my
space under parental supervision: BE ADVISED!!!!
I made the following modifications to computer use...
1. i placed the computer next to the tv so that they were always supervised and visible.
2. next i had a talk with the kids about how predators are always looking for innocent kids ... took them to the webnews on myspace victims and crimes
3. specifically told them never to give their last name, school, or address
4. put my name such as grace<3mom address so that they knew that mom was connected
5. strictly said, if i catch any inappropriate anythings, i'm shutting them down.

Now, heres the scary part...my kids go to their dads for visits and have the run of the place, so they have all the unsupervised opportunities they want. I looked in and saw a bunch of trash in their postings...from all kinds of yuck and these bums pick the kids, they somehow hack into their info...

My daughter was floored with fear because of how some bum online, tracked her phone line in and started stalking her. She came to me and showed me her phone and messages he left and I was floored. My space in my house is now under surveillence

NO MATTER how much we want to protect our kids they will have times of testing so, with that...you trust your daughter and she is open with you, tell her the dangers and let her know that good girls just like her get into fierce dangers because of creeps that are looking for an easy score. Beware and take the time to inform her. We can only protect our kids sooo much. i go on with my daughters to show them that I'm interested in how they communicate and what they communicate and our girls are so innocent that their sweetness gets taken by predators for flirting...Please watch them lines carefully. I also get in on the site and ask people to use appropriate language when communicating on our page. Block some and delete many...

I really wish there was no my space but I do love to communicate with family far away so, it can be a very useful site. Regards:) PS- my space has also given my children awareness of whats out there so...just stay on guard.

I have a great 13 yr old BOY. Grades, sports, good friends, etc etc. And he does not have one, neither do his friends, boys that is. And I don't think we his parents will ok one for a while if ever.
MYSPACE is trouble, as told to me by local San Diego Police Department. My 18 yr old daughter has had one for a while, which I didn't OK. It has caused her and me nothing but trouble. She has had people hack into her account and spread vicious lies about her and our family. Plus we have had people contact us who have made threats towards us as a family. Stalkers etc. Also alot of her friends open myspace accounts (duplications so their parents don't see the real ones) they give to their friends. That is why they are so willing to give you the password info etc. Its not the real account. ) My husband is not much help with this and he IS the father to my 4 kids. My older daughter too 26 yrs old has a myspace account and she lives out of state. She didn't have one at all when she lived with us until age 24. I know kids who have them my son goes to school with, and let me tell you, HE (my 13 yr old) comes home and tells me about the stuff that the classmates (girls) tell him about their MYSPACE encounters. Creeps are out there and the kids give out way too much information. Let her in on your account and this way you monitor it. I still wouldn't let our kids have one either way. If SDPD warns against it, what can you argue with? I say No! Summer is short and you can't turn it off. Email is hard enough, so just email the friends and don't let MYSPACE in. Too many of my friends have found out their kids had accounts and its been hard standing by watching their reactions to their good kids and what is on the myspace accounts.

H.,

Well I am torn.... I do agree with some of the comments you have received but not completely. If you told her she could get one next year because you have to be 14 to sign up then, yeah stick to that. It is good for her to know that you mean what you say.
I do want to say that I have many YOUNG relatives on My Space and there are ways to make sure they are safe and using it for "friends" purposes only. These kids know that they have to do the right thing to keep their account…..Not on the computer after 9; not on the computer before school; only friends that they know in “real life” are allowed to be friends, etc. A “good kid” deserves some trust so they know that there efforts aren’t in vein. Do you trust her?
Be up front and honest with her...letting her know what kind of people are out there and what your concerns are. Set rules and boundaries that she must abide by to be allowed to use such a site. Set up her account together making sure you know her passwords etc. Make sure her account is private and only people who know her last name or email address can apply to be friends. Make sure that you are on her friends list so you can check up on her page when ever you want (surprise inspection LOL). Make sure that she doesn’t post any personal information about where she lives or goes to school. Log on to her page OFTEN to make sure that she is not sending inappropriate pictures or correspondence.
I think if you are open and straight forward with your daughter and you have a mutual trust and understanding then it shouldn’t be a problem. I know that there are tons of “WEIRDO’S” on my space but you can keep her away from that by educating her about the links and things not to click on when she sees a pop-up or strange message in her in-box. I think it comes down to trust….has she earned it? If so let her take this small step into growing up (in her mind). Shoot she could want to have a baby! Or be one of those kids that you know does drugs or whatever; be thankful that all she wants is a My Space account! LOL! It’s all up to you, good luck!

Peace~Love~Light
V.

As a middle school counselor I beg you NO!!! You can watch and prevent her from the dangers of sex offenders and monitor the content but middle school kids get mad at each other and the cyber bullying done on myspace makes it very difficult to make up with that friend. I can't even tell you how many mothers I've had in my office with a print out of some other kids myspace page where they are harrassing their daughter. Some kids take pictures of themselves holding a sign that says so and so is a fat cow, I hate so and so... there are so many areas where a kid can bully another on their OWN page--- not your daughter's. She can see it and nobody can remove it. I've also run into people getting other people's passwords and thrashing that person online. I understand it is a connector and a way for your daughter to keep in touch with her friends -- what's wrong with email? When you get in a fight with a friend, it's hard enough without all your other friends seeing and knowing about it. It gets so bad that the fight gets planned - someone is ready to video it and that gets posted through youtube on everyone's comment box. Trust me - not too much is positive. I'm not a high school counselor - these things are happening in my school which is 5-8th grade. Good luck with your decision. You can control your daughter... not her friends.

You really should stick to your guns!! If you go back on this, she might think you'll go back on other things that you've said. Eventually your word may not mean anything!!!

Have you looked into Facebook? The age requirement is 13, I believe. Good luck.

What about a facebook account? I have found that it is cleaner than myspace and safer. I'm sure lots of her friends would have a facebook account too. Just a thought. Good luck!

Well, you have an account and are familiar with MySpace so that is half the battle! So many parents are in unfamiliar territory and I think that is where the problems come in. Any computer you are near can be used to log into her account and check everything. (prerequisite: you have access to all log info and are not afraid to use it. She's a good girl so she will understand). Keep it set to private. Keep an eye on her friend requests, check the account settings from time to time to make sure she is protected from unsolicitated friends requests etc (Myspace sometimes defaults back to being open to everyone without me even touching the controls!). I know, more work for you, but 5 minutes a week can make the difference.
Good luck whatever you decide.

The age is 14 by law, if you give in then you teach her it is ok to lie and break the law !!

I would stick with your guns. You put it so perfect, laws are there for a reason of safety. Would you let your 7 year old sit in the front seat of a car before the saftey law of 12 because he/she wants to? I would keep a close eye when she is on it. As you know, it can be a VERY social meeting place. My son (almost 16) met a girl he likes on it and she lives over an hour from us. They haven't met yet (as far as I know) but it has been an issue with him. You seem to being doind a great job with your daughter. Good luck.

H.,
I would allow her a myspace with specific rules.

1. Add only her personal friends .....including you.
2. You must have her password
3. Her page must be set to private.

This way you know 100% who she is talking to, whats being shared, etc. If she is concerned about the privacy of myspace emails then her friends can phone her with personal messages :) If any rules are violated then she loses her myspace. Good luck and technology is great for the kids IF the parents truly supervise it.

ok, I did not read the other replies but I am gonna bet that they will mostly say not to give her a myspace.
I also have one and so does my daughter. Our computer is in the living room in full view of anyone choosing to look over her shoulder. One of our conditions was that her space was kept on PRIVATE and her friends add me as a friend as well. I can see where she has been and the stuff she posts. I am comfortable with this.
So, thats my 2 cents. Give her a myspace.
And giving in is not going to ruin anything. We have to give in sometimes. My mom NEVER gave in and it ruined our relationship. Mostly because her knee jerk reaction would be no, the think about it and realize it was a rash decision, but would not go back on it.

I say if the age limit is 14 and you have talked to her about not doing that before, I would stick with the original decision because if not, she will learn that she can persuade you to do whatever she wants. I would let her have sleepovers with friends and make arrangements for her to see them, even if you do live far away. Good luck in your situation.

You have plenty of input here and I agree you should stick to what you said (wait till 14). You give in on one thing she'll just try to get you to bend on another rule about something else.

I also want to mention, none of us moms in this generation had any trouble maintaining friendships at that age without the assistance of cells, emails, and myspaces. So I don't think you should go back on your word due to the circumstances of living far from her friends... I am sure we can all remember spending the summer away from friends due to camps, vacations, what have you. Or having a friend or two in another town that you hardly ever saw but just picked right up where you left off when you saw each other once a year. Don't get tricked into thinking that kids' relationships need cell phones and myspace to survive!
She'll survive the summer.. and so will you! Good luck in the house hunt!!!

My 12 and 13 YO's both have myspace pages and keep them private. So, the details on the pages aren't shared to the public. When they get a friend request from an unfamiliar name, they ask, "Do I know you?" And the strangers usually don't reply so they reject them. A lot of their friends use unfamiliar names for their user IDs so when asked, they'll usually respond, "Yeah, this is so and so from school." They also use a site called Gaia a lot. I try to just trust and communicate. Otherwise, if I become too strict, they'll feel the need to sneak around and do stuff behind my back (my parents were too strict). So, I communicate with them as much as I can about these topics.

I've even discussed boyfriends with them. Children who are seeking companionship with strangers on the internet are probably the ones who are lonely - don't have many friends at school, not allowed a boyfriend, etc. I believe my children have plenty of male & female buddies that are occupying their time so there's no need to seek out strangers. I will ask my girls on occasion while we're driving, "Do you guys have boyfriends yet?" And, the response is "Mommy! No!" My 12 YO actually asked if it was okay. And, my response, "Yes, as long as they're honest with me and NO SEX."

So, hopefully there are no secrets. Good luck!

S.

Hi H., I think that you should hold your ground. If you start to give in now what will be next. April is not that far away and I think your daughter will appreciate it more that you are staying firm in your decisions. She may have a tantrum but she will get over it. Be firm and stay strong.

N.

I did not allow my daughter to have one until last sept when she was 16, there really isnt much to do on my space, plus I get weirdos that ask to be my friend on mine, there are lots of kids places to go that monitor the site, like Gia, Gia you can make your own charactors, earn points to give your charators different things, only thing is not to have a easy password, and she needs to be aware of not giving any info out about her or her family, even say the names of her pets, the only problem we had once was my daughted used her dogs name as password, then some smartee was talking she slipped gave out the dogs name and they fiquared out the pass word, all they took was her little earned designs... lesson learned on her part. Its a fun site for kids, she will like it. my daughter knows the site address when she wakes up I will send it to you .. I will ask her what other sites are fun for kids.

I promised I would come back and leave the email address for

www.gaiaonline.com
or
www.roliana.com

these are both free, and set up for kids, she should have lots of fun with these

Blessings

As an older mother of three grown children, i urge you to
stick to your boundaries, my kids, older two are boys and the youngest, a daughter, are very proud that they had boundaries and have used them for their children. I overheard my daughter, when she was taling to her friends about another friend who had gotten pregnant, all the friends were about 14 then, and when they were wondering about why ann allowed herself to get pregnant, my daughter said "it was because she didn't have anyone who loved her enough to tell her no". I was never prouder of my daughter than then. F.

I have a 17 year old daughter and we have gone through the MySpace thing 2 times before. The first time, I eliminated the My Space because my daughter's friends showed absolutely no common sense about what they put on their own pages by fighting with each other, negative blogging, and putting pictures of my daughter out there for any pedifile to see. I relented a second time and let her have a MySpace again. But this time, I monitored it much more vigillently. Well, through my research, and my monitoring, I decided My Space in general is not a good idea at all. There is absolutely not enough adequate controls to insure kids safety. This forum, in my opinion is a heaven for pedifiles and every sort of creep to pey on your/or youngsters. The news is filled with tragic and horrible stories of kids getting lured by rapists and or worse all via My Space. (by the way, all these kids were good snd smart kids too.) So MySpace is banned from my household...flat out! I don't have one either! If my daughterhasa "friend" that is good enough to contact throughMy space, then that friend is good enough to be given her AOL e-mail which has more parental controls. Many people may not understand why I am so passionate about this issue, but if you have ever been harrassed by a cyber stalker you will understand that these people are very devious, much more evil and savy in the ways of terror and manipulation than anyone can imagine. The worst part of all is that, at present, there just aren't enough laws to proctect our families from these crazies until it's too late and someone is dead, missing, or hurt. And now I will get off my soapbox.

Maybe try Facebook. I have both accounts and I think Facebook is a little more kid friendly.

If you choose to allow her to go on myspace I think it will be okay IF you lay out rules such as: you have her password and access to her account, you are a "friend" on her account, and she knows that the minute you are uncomfortable with what you see it gets shut down. Also, you might want to have your email be the one on the account so friend requests, messages and comments are sent to you as well. If she really wants it after all that then I don't see the harm. She sounds like a great girl. Good luck.
:-)

hello, You can always make her account private so people that want to be her friend have to ask her and you can always check her myspace but if you did tell her no and you give in do you think that she will think you will give in everytime to something that she has ask for? Good luck!

Wow, you've had a ton of responses - popular topic! My kids are toddlers so I am nowhere near facing this issue. I do think that it should be a non-issue for your daughter as well since she is under the age limit. I don't think it is ever OK to lie and if you condone her doing this, you are just teaching her that rules are made to be broken. I think it is a dangerous path to go down if we all decide individually which rules are OK to break and which rules we keep. As for once she is 14, I am against it because I know there are a lot of dangers, but I also know it is very popular these days, and especially if you and your husband have one, that will make it difficult to reasonably refuse her request.

No way!

And since you have 'made it very clear' you can't possibly ''give in'' now! That's just not an option.

OMG You would be making yourself into a joke as a parent and teaching her that breaking the law is OK as well?

Remember, she can always call or she can text them.

And on a more general note re myspace, it's the last thing you want - to change such a super girl into one that is bombarded with negativity and fakery, becomes overwhelmed or secretive and is exposed to bad influences.
Which myspace is.

You may chose wisely using it but there is so much nastiness on there, and she would be getting to see it all.
Is nothing on there for a child in my considered opinion and it is full of hackers virus phishing etc too apart from the inappropriate meassages that come into the inbox.
NOTHIING I need in my life that I can't get on Facebook or an e mail. Please protect your daughter and set a good example for her ... 13 is where it so often starts to go down hill in girls.

Hi There~ I'll have to join the NO's on this one...MySpace started gaining popularity when my (now almost 19year old) daughter was about 15. Good girl, Christian School, Stay at Home Mom...the list goes on. I watched her personality change! It's not HER myspace page or possibly even her friends you have to worry about. But it gives her access to explore everyone else's on a "friends-list". I just noticed that it made my daugher think things were normal and acceptable that she previously hadn't. It's like it de-sensitized her and made her think "it's not that big of a deal".
My 13 year old son is starting to ask since the official myspace rule says 14...luckily HE even remembers watching his sister change so he doesn't fight me too much. Good Luck! :)

I have one myself and my daughter 14 years old now,but had a myspace since age 13..You really need to monitor her use of any computer use not just myspace..We aggreed on I check friend request and also have her as a friend..so i could check her comments..etc..

Ha ha H. (last poster), that's great that your son is learning Morse code too! Smart alec, but a clever one! Good for him. Hmm, maybe you can coax him into learning sign language and a foreign language while he's at it. :)

The My Space issue is a truly slippery one. My daughter is only 3 1/2 and I really hope they've ironed out some of these privacy issues by then. H. W, have you done research into sites set up specifically for kids? I'm sure I've seen some. I'm sorry I don't have any specific sites to name, but I know when my young cousin was around 12 or so, she had an email account set up on some kind of site just for kids. They may be more private, and they'll certainly be lower-profile than My Space, although I don't know what kinds of protections they have. My feeling is no matter where they are on the Internet, kids need to be monitored and guided because there are sickos out there. But that's true for "real life" too; I think we tend to be more nervous about the Internet because it reaches so many people and of course the anonymity. But just as we teach our kids not to get in a stranger's car and all that other fun stuff, we can teach them online safety as well. That said, you know your daughter and you know whether she is mature enough to understand that a bending of one rule does not mean she can start changing ALL the rules. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for, and 13 is a good time to start letting her make some decisions -- with your guidance of course. However, I wouldn't lie about her age to set up an account. That's just a bad precedent. Help her find another site that does allow kids, or just have her use email for now like other parents have suggested. She'll huff and puff, but you're the mom. Good luck, and I for one would really like to see follow-up on this one!

Hi, H.. I can't give you advice on whether to give in or stand firm, except to say that if you decide to give in, be careful how you do it. What I wanted to suggest if/when she does get a myspace, you have her password and login, and use it. This way you can see even the things she makes private or tries to hide. My 16 yr old's profile is only viewable to friends and I monitor content and friends, and remove everything from relational stuff to language (which is minimal since I have access to everything...). They know if they violate that, their pages are gone.

Keep your word and wait until she is 14. There are worse things than having to wait for something you want. She can still email her friends- even without a "My Space" page. Also, it will enhance your role as a parent- no means no. She may hound you, but ultimately she will respect you for your decision. Besides, you are the boss (until she is 18) and you need to show that you follow the rules and that she needs to follow the rules as well.

Hi H.:
Since your asking opinions here,I will tell you,that I agree with Yvette K. Your daughter acts mature and responsible for her age. She continues to make you proud,by working hard and keeping up her grades.She has proven over and again,by her behavior,that she can make logical decisions,and can be trusted,so why not give her a little rope? I believe,that alot of teens are held back,and in a sense prevented from maturing,They need to learn how to make some judgements and determinations on their own.The site has afforded you the ability to check periodicaly on her space.I wouldn't pry on her private conversations with friends,but I'd make sure and have a talk with her about preditors. She needs to know there are such individuals out there,because saddly she is the exact age they prey on.You certainly don't want to leave her in the dark about such things.Awareness is key for any young girl. It sounds to me, as though you have made all the right moves for your daughter thus far,you need to trust your instincts,(your common sense) and make decisions that will not merely be good for your daughter,but for your continued open relationship with her. The very best to you and your darlin daughter H.. J.

Yes, you definitely should tell her she must wait until she is 14 if that is what the Myspace says they should be. You must help her to know that it is right to follow rules or you are showing her that you disrespect rules too. This is especially important as she is soon to be in high school....I had three there...and your example will be helpful to her. Encourage regular emails and phone calls with her friends. Even it it means more driving for you, make sure she gets to have opportunities to get together with her friends...take her for visits by dropping her off or have the other girls over (maybe even have a sleepover once).
H.

I think MySpace is one of the most horrible things out there for our children to be using. As someone who has worked with teenagers and have seen how they are, keep your daughter away from it. She may be a good girl, but a lot of teens and adults out there are not.
If you decide to allow it, wait till she's older and most definitely keep an eagle eye on all she does on it.

H.-
The Myspace topic has been in my family for a few months now. My 13 year old son has been very insistant about it. However, I do not like the distinct lack of protection given to myspace users. Anyone from anywhere can view that Myspace page (even the "private" ones, it just takes a little more time to get in) and get all kind of information about your teen or even the rest of your family (depending on the topic of the day). I told him he had to master the other forms of communication before I would allow the Myspace page to be created. That includes writing letters, using instant messaging, e-mails, and the good old fashioned telephone. He is not the worlds happiest teen but he knows I'm not trying to make his life miserable, just protect him.

He decided there was no way I was gonna tell him after a few months that he had not mastered ALL the other forms of communication, so he has started learning morse code as well. His friends seem to understand as well.
She is only a few months away. I would stick to what you told her in the first place.
H. Stanley A.K.A. Navy wife and mother of 4

DO NOT Give in on this one. Allow her to email her friends and even use instant messaging, but there is too much that people can do with the information that is on myspace. I know of one girl that had a private space, but the friends that she gave out her information to (and pictures of herself) had public spaces and soon her pictures were everywhere even on people's sites that she had no idea who they were. You don't want your daughter stuff all over the Internet.

I let my 13 year old daughter have a MySpace with the stipulation that I have full password access to her MySpace and Email accounts, and that she use it from my computer, where I can keep a close eye. You need to not only check everything your daughter does, but also keep track of her friends as best you can. I did have to delete one of my daughter's friends who thought she was a 'gangsta" and was using profanity. Of course you have to make sure her account is set to "private" so strangers can't see her site, and you must make sure you personally know all her MySpace "friends." She and her 17 year old sister have no expectation that anything on her MySpace will ever be private. I check all the time. We did have to change her password once when someone hacked in, but that was the biggest security issue we have had. I know there are a lot of horror stories out there about MySpace, but that has not been our experience. My daughter is also a straight A student who has never given me any signs for concern. Hope this helps.

H. when I was 13 I was a straight A student who eventually got full scholarships to college and did very well. However, that did not prevent me from getting into all kinds of trouble behind my parents back. That being said, you previously said April and it is the law. In my opinon if you change your word and break the law it is not a good precedent to start, especially at this age. It is good to look forward one to something and wait for it, builds character. Maybe you could enlist her help in building some of your myspace family pages so she could learn the technology and hit the ground running when April comes.

In the end if you give in it doesn't make you a bad parent, your only human and the other ladies have provided tons of suggestions for you to monitor and control the situation.

Good Luck!

I have a 13 year old daughter who I allow to have a myspace page. I do have access to her account so I can check it whenever. She is also a good girl and a good student and I do trust her.

Hi H.,
ugggh i would want to give in too...but if i were you i would stick to your guns. sure there are special circumstances, but they can write letters or talk on the phone. I know she'll be 14 soon, but you also have to remember that this is the first of her asking you to give in. your not being "mean", the age laws are there for a reason.
these young girls that host at my job have a myspace...and you think they're so innocent, then they post these pictures. also one was 16 having sex and what ever else with a 20 something male...who knew better. just something to think about. i just had a daughter myself...hahaha and think about these things constantly!
hope this helps :D

I feel very strongly believe that our children will live up to the expectations that we, as parents, place on them and that if we have done our job well (so far) in raising them to be responsible and conscientious, they more than likely will continue to be and continue to do the right thing. My son sounds very much like your daughter in that he too gets great grades and has never been in trouble and we decided that we had to show him that we had faith in his ability to act responsibly on his MySpace account and I am happy to say we have had no problems at all. It allows him the chance to be interactive with his friends and gives him room to be creative and provides an outlet for him to expand socially. I know there are parameters that can be placed by you as her parents to keep her safe so why not give her a chance to prove herself? Let her show you if she's really ready; if it doesn't work out then at least you and she will know that you were more than fair in your willingness to give it a try. We tell our son we will always trust him until he gives us a reason not to and so far we have not been disappointed and by doing so, we have maintained open and honest communication with our son. Good luck to you and your daughter!