Teenage Girl and MySpace

Oh I know what she's going through kinda sorta because I went through the same thing. I talked to boys online, and had them calling and everything, and it was just a cry for attention. My mom started paying a lot more attention to me and actually enforcing her discipline on me. SHe set up basic rules for computer use,and what i was allowed to do inside and outside of the home, and she spoke with all my friends parents and if i broke them she was consistent on my punishment. She also got a lot more involved in my life, and it drove me NUTS! But eventually i got the clue that i ws the child, not an equal to my mom, and i thank her for it today.

hi,
i am 23 years old and was a bad teenager. I made it through have found christ, am happily married and have a wonderful little boy of my own. My advice to you would not suffocate her. My mom grounded me everywhich way took everything away and i still snuck out every single night.(trust me you dont want her doing that) I think you two should plan mom and daughter days. girls really do love that no matter how much they complain. start doing things just the two of you. as for myspace, it's fine as long as you monitor her. Just look at all her friends pages as well. Good luck and soon they will be all grown up married and having children of their own.

HI,
I am new to this board today but i have 2 neices age 16 and 13 and a step son whose 14 and two 5 yr old boys. My neices have a myspace and i made myself one so i could monitor them as well as my step son. In regards to that person calling. This my be drastic but needed, get the number from the caller ID and go to police with it and explain the story, they will contact this person and find out the truth. My Space is a very scary but can be a safe place as well. No matter if you take away the internet at home they will always find a place to go in...i know this may not be much help but i hope it helped a little.

Hi J.,
I just saw your request and see that you've gotten lots of advice and also did your own myspace page. I just wanted to add that there is this incredible book called "Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children & Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane" by Gavin De Becker. It's the most amazing book I've ever read. I highly recommend this book, it helps you tune into your intuition about situations and gives you signs of what and how predators do to get at our children.
Take care and good luck.
Alexis

I guess my answer is a bit different from those below.

My theory is that the more you try to prevent something from happening, the more they are drawn to it; the more they will rebel to DO what you are telling them not to do.

I don't see that you can prevent her from going on my space or any internet type messaging program. She would try to gain access at the library, at a friends, at school. The person in Colorado would become her "saviour", be oh-so-understanding, which is exactly what you don't want to do.

You can try to shut off the internet access at home, and hope that it will turn her around. (my guess is she will rebel more). You can try putting her on restriction from going out with her friends. I would fear that my child would then run away because of how "awful" her parents are, and how they don't understand, etc.

My theory is education. Perhaps you can call your school parenting group and ask them to put on a forum about it at the high school level for students and their parents. Invite psychologists, police, perhaps parents or children that have been involved in running away, perhaps reformed addicts or hookers, or someone that may get thru.

We as parents have to do the best that we can for our children, to keep them close, but not smother, to protect, but allow them to feel that these decisions are also their own.

(and calling the police in the boy's hometown and alerting them, would not be a bad idea . . . just in case he is a pedafile or something).

Good Luck J.!!!

Hi J....I dont want anyone to take offense to what I am going to say...so, please bear with me. I had a similar problem with my daughter..so, I spied on her!! I made sure that she was ALLOWED to use the internet at our home so there was no need for her to go anywhere else and I bought a program online called "kid control". It costs $30 and was the best $$ I ever spent. It allows you to see everything she does online.
Allthough it was very difficult for me to read and see the things she was doing it also helped me realize who my daughter was and was trying to be. If you do get this program you cannot let her know about it ever..she will never trust you again. It also is undetectable on your computer so she wont be able to find it. Also, you must tell fibs about how you found out about certain things so she doesnt think you are spying. You can also for extra money watch what she is doing from another pc. This helped me alot. I knew when my daughter was lying, where she thought she may be going and most of all I could see what others were saying to her. The program also takes screenshots so you can actually see these myspaces she is on if she logs into them. And it also take keystrokes so you can actually see all her screennames and passwords. LIKE I SAID many people will be offended by the privacy that I stripped from my daughter...but I love her and I want no harm to come to her. If I have to be sneaky and coniving then so be it!! My child is non-replacable and one of a kind and I would like to keep her for as long as I can. You can also make your own "fictitious" myspace (even make yourself a guy) and try to make her your friend and see what happens that way, just make sure you try to get various friends on your space before approaching her. I hopefully didnt scare you or offend you, but honestly this is what I felt I had to do!! Good Luck! Feel free to email me with any questions! R.

You only have to be 13 to get a MySpace account according to their guidelines. I know kids under 13 who have lied to get an account there because it is 'the in thing'.

I totally agree with letting your daughter have access at home. I would go further to say that you need to make sure the computer she has access to at home is in a public area (the living room or kitchen or dining room) where anyone could see what she's doing at any time. It is a lot harder to misbehave when you don't know when someone is going to be walking past you. My daughter and I both have our computers in the dining room, mostly for convenience, but partially because I want her computer in a public area. She has asked to move her computer into her bedroom and the answer is and will remain 'no'.

Those who think spying on your children is acceptable, I just shake my head. I think it is unthinkable. If you can't trust them on the computer then you need to think about why that is and how you can change it. Yes, we need to be able to protect our children but there have to be limits and I think these programs way surpass those limits. I say the same thing about your significant others. Do not ask for their passwords, or read their e-mail or text messages, or chat histories. If you cannot trust them then you need to examine why and change it, even if that means ending the relationship. Without trust there is nothing there, that is in all things -- with our children, significant others, friends, co-workers, employers, etc.

My daughter has been online for about five years now, since she was about six. The ground rules were put down then and have been enforced ever since. She is not allowed to sign up for any forums, web sites, contests, etc. without clearing it with me first and she still does that. Most of the sites she goes to require her to give them my e-mail address and they send me the user id/password so that I can keep tabs on the account if I choose and require my permission for her participation. She knows that I have these passwords and can check on her if I choose, but I don't (but she doesn't know that).

I think, however, the number one thing that keeps her in line is that she knows that if I catch her lying or going to inappropriate places online she will lose her computer priviledges and my trust. As her online computing needs have changed we've discussed them and gone back over what is appropriate and what isn't ... what she is allowed to do and what she isn't. I trust her to do what's right and so far we haven't had any problems. But there's that key word: trust.

Good luck with it and I'm glad to see things were resolved in such a positive manner.

I just wanted to let you know that I, as a 23 year old mother (and once a very rebellious daughter) think the way you handled this situation deserves a lot of credit. You showed your daughter how real these dangers are and you gained her trust. That is the most important thing when raising rebellious teenagers, is to maintain there trust. This way they feel comfortable being open with you about what is happening in their life. When you start being sneaky and disceptive, they will do it right back x2! I know this from experience. People know when someone trusts them, and its harder than people think to choose to do something you know will break that trust.

Great job mom!!

Hi, I am a young 36yr old Mother of Three teenagers 18,16,and 14. Two boys, and one girl she is the 14 yr old. They all have myspace and I have a myspace as well. It is hard because I have one computer in a open area where is visible to all. I had fights over the computer. So I actually had to use a cooking timer they have just 1 hour each to use in a day to check there mail, IM, or be on myspace. I have all of there E-mail address and there password. That is the rule if I find that they have changed or have another e-mail address without my permission they lose my trust and I take away the computer privileged away for a week, or two depending on what rule they broke. It is important to have their myspace e-mail and password . So you can pay attention to what kind of mail she is receiving, and if it is appropriate. There is too much givin to our kids, Our society state our children should have some kinda of privacy and so on. But our job is to keep them safe, and help them out when they make mistakes and fall. Our job is to guide them and pick them up when they do fall. Do listen to them it is important to have that with teenagers. You do not want them going else where for advice and getting the wrong advice. You also can check to see if they have another account when you go into the search button put in there name and it will so you if they have a profile and how many of them. unless they use a complete different name . That is very common on teenagers so be aware. Tell her you are trusting her, and let her know you don't want to lose her trust. Yes girls are very hard...my daughter is harder than both of my teenage boys together. If you have any questions on myspace I be more than willing to help out as much as I can. I check daily while they are at school all three profiles and so on.

I am with Heather. I would get this boys phone number and bring it right to the police. There is also a spot on Myspace where you can request to have your daughters account deleted.

J.,
I'm so glad things have worked out for you with your daughter's MySpace. I also have an account- originally to spy on my neice. Here's another privacy setting that was put on her page- in order for someone to even request to be her friend, you have to either already know her last name or email address. It makes it so that she can only really connect with people she already knows or has had previous contact with. Not sure if that will help, but thought I'd throw it out there!

hi there J.!

i am a 28 year old mom to a 5.5 month old (so young still, my partner and i joke that we are going to send her off when she turns 13 because we don't want to deal with a teenage girl...) and i am also addicted to myspace!

i think that maybe what you could do with your daughter is to sit down and decide on some ground rules together. probably she's rebelling against you, and anything you really don't want her to do, she's going to try to do.

if she is going to have a myspace account, and it sounds like she is, then maybe she should have it with your awareness. there are features like "privacy" etc, to make a page not open to people who aren't her friends, and maybe give her a half hour each day where she can be on myspace in a room that you can monitor. (i don't know if you've done this already)

as for the boy calling from colorado, maybe you need to get an unlisted number, although if she's giving the number out i guess that wouldn't work.......but you can work out some kind of a deal with her if you sit down and talk about the priorities you each have. maybe yours is that she doesn't have people calling her from myspace, and hers is that she gets to keep her page/work on it from home instead of sneaking around???

good luck!!!! :)

Try talking to the parents of the friends and letting them know that myspace is not okay for your daughter and if they are not responsive, then maybe she should not be able to go over that friends' house. Difficult, I know, but sometimes parenting isn't easy and in the long run, it will be worth it. Myspace is scary stuff

I am going through the My Space issue with my 15 year old son and he also helped me create my own and gave me access to his. Not long ago I went to use the computer and his space was open, only it wasn't the same one I had access to. Whe I questioned him about this he said that a lot of kids have 2, one the parents know about and another they keep private. Don't be so sure that what your daughter is giving you access to is the only one she has.

I can't say too much about the issue. I can say, I'm 23, but I have a 15yr old sister. She has a myspace, and I can monitor it for my father because she is on my friends list...also, i know all the friends on her list, and i have access to getting into her myspace. So, it isn't a bad idea to limit the access. Get emails and passwords up front...if she can't, then, good bye, and also, if you have a myspace profile, you can contact Tom...on myspace...he is one of the "inventors" and he could probably help you out with dening her access to an account. Good luck...
Jenn

I am so glad to hear that you called the Denver police Department! It is such a scary thing. Did you ever mention to your daughter that he wasn't who he said he was? I'm glad to also hear you wont have to worry about him calling your house anymore. I think a lot of the advice you've gotten from others were great. I just wanted to let you know that there is a way on myspace to contact "Tom" to let him know your daughter is on there and under age. I believe there is also a way to make it so she can't get into her account, however, there isn't a way to stop her from making up another account. So, right now it sounds like things have been going great. I just wanted to let you know that there is another option if you ever need it.

Hello - I have an eight year old daughter and I know the day will come that I will have this or this type of battle. However I am educating myself now. I have an account and have found numerous profiles of friends, family and my friend's kids. I want to let you and everyone here know that as long as you have the email address you can find all the profiles this person has!! Log onto yours (if you have one) or just go to it. Click the search and under find a friend select email then type the email address. I hope this also helps in some way.

Jen C.

shut off the internet and dont let kids have internet phones

My daughter is 14 and seems to spend most of her time on the computer. not always on MySspace but I think we grownups are a little worried with all the bad rap it is getting. I'm sure you've spoken to her friends parents about their computer and I would simply change your Password and not allow any access to it as long as she is going over your head. Look for a way to show them how bad this can be, and maybe the there is a program that can come to their school and help out with a talk. I worry about the same thing and wish you luck. Just keep talking to her...it's terrible to say but if she messes up unfortunately she'll know what it's all about sooner than later.

Hi there. I wanted to let you know that I am a mom of two babies, sothe whole teenage thing is a little out there for me. But I do have a myspace acct. so I thought that I could maybe help you out in that aspect. I use my myspace to talk to old friends that I no longer see because I live to far away. I also use it to keep in touch with my family. I know, though, that people, especially young kids use it to meet people and talk with other kids around there age, whether they know them or not. I would find her page and see what it says. That may give you a little insight into whom this person is from Colorado and what there intentions may be. I would also get this persons phone number and block it. That may get the point across. Also, set up your own myspace and use it to check up on your daughters page. If she has nothing to hide, then there is no reason for her to have a problem with it. That way you can kind of keep tabs on who she is talking to and why it is so important for her to go behind your back and make a page up. You can't lock her in her room. But there are a few things you can do to keep an eye on her and let her know that she can't get away with talking to anyone you don't want her to. I would also talk to the parents of the friends that are letting her use there computer and let them know your concerns and tell them that you would appreciate it if your daughter wasn't allowed to use the computer at there house for things such as this. That may control a little bit of the things that are 'out of your control' when she is not at home. Hope this helps.
A.

I have a teenage son who is on myspace, so I can relate. I think you should call the phone company and block his number. I can say that my son isn't acting out from myspace, he's just acting out from other things. Ask her why does she feel she has to be up there all the time. She needs to remain focus on school. She also needs to be careful up there. Good luck.

I am 28 and also a MySpace user. Being a high school teacher, I was really hesitant to start after hearing such bad press about it. MySpace isn't bad, its that there are some bad people who use it and teenagers don't realize that the personal info they put out on MySpace puts them at risk. They don't know how to tell a harmless teenager from a dangerous one. Keep in mind that even if your daughter doesn't have her own page (or revealing info on her page), some of her friends might have that info on their pages, so to some extent the info about her that is out there is out of her control.
I like the idea of making your own page and being one of her MySpace friends so that she knows you can check out her page. And of course you want to make sure she isn't going out to dangerous places. But what's wrong with some phone calls? It is really important to teach her that she is trustworthy, even if it is scary to you. If she lies and gives you reason not to trust her, then of course she has to earn your trust back again.
15 years ago, I was really into the message boards on Prodigy. I made friends with older boys that were far away and we did talk on the phone sometimes. One of my school friends even met them. My parents knew about it and no harm ever came of it.
I totally agree with the writer who said that a rebellious teen will be pushed toward doing exactly what you tell them you don't want them to do. I was. Luckily my mom knew that and never made a big deal about those things. I knew how she felt about drinking and drugs and boys, but she didn't try to micromanage my life. She made sure she knew where I was, with whom, at all times and I always had a curfew, but I still did things she didn't want me to do, and I still lied to her at times, but no harm ever came of it.
I teach kids this age. Junior year is the toughest, I think, but it comes to an end and she will probably be a more mature young woman by senior year. Espeically if she has goals like graduating and going to college or getting a job. But she's got to make mistakes and learn from them first! Of course this isn't always the case, but in my experience it usually is.
Good luck!

i also have 2 teen girls who use myspace. i have opened an account just so i can "spy" on them. i check it daily looking up them also all thier friends who comment them i click on them too.the only thing is if its a message and not a coment you cant see it displayed if your daughter puts her account on where only friends can see her page no one can get in if its left open the world can seeit. its very stressful and time consuming but it has to be done. also a friend had told me about a program that will track everything that the kids write in the computer, this will allow you to see messages sent. its called q pac or something like that she said its at best buy, i am going to check it out tomorrow. my girls say im psycho but i say im a cautious mom.
good luck angelica

Hi J.-
As in the other post, you can delete your daughters account. I believe you sign in to your account and go to the help section. There should be something in the FAQ list about it. If she continues to make other profiles, I would suggest, if you can, get the number off caller ID and go to the police. If you cannot get the number, maybe go to the police and maybe they can trace the call somehow. If the police contacts him, he probably won't call anymore.

hi im a mom of a 9 yr old and he wants to be on myspace also i was like boy please and when im not home he goes on the danggone computer and i took it out his room and took things away from him and i also explain to him about these kids being lurd into these stalker people

Oh JEEZ!! Been ther done that!!! Girls can be HORRIBLE!

Our daughter put us through the ringer starting when she was 12!

First , I would not allow her access to the computer at all! If she refuses to adhere to the rules then she shouldn't be able to use it. The internet is much too dangerous to not be adament about it's uses.
If she goes to a friends house, get on the phone and tlak to the parent. Tell them your rules and that you expect them to adhere to them as well. If it continues, then she doesn't go to that friends house,, period!

You need to let her know that you are serious about the rules. This age IS very trying and she will test you and push you every chance she gets. It's exhausting and tons of work, BUT, it will be worth it when she remains safe and alive.

Our daughter pushed us to the limit but I was a force not to be reckined with. She pushed me,, I push back twice as hard.
That's my job as a parent. Again, it was EXHAUSTING and I didn't think I'd live through it,, but I did.

Tell he to put on Fox news and listen to the story of a missing girl who met up with the person she met on line. She is now missing,,, her clothes were found but no person. What you think happened to her? HHMM? It happens everyday, and if you have to duct tape her to her bedroom door to keep her safe,, then guess what, you'll buy stock in the tape company to ensure her safety :)

It's tough,, but you HAVE to keep one step ahead of her, make phone calls to where she will be visiting, stay in contact with ALL the parents of her friends, let them know your rules so that they will hopefully be applied while she is over there.

P.

HI my name is L.. Im 26 and a single mom of a great son whos 3. I go on myspace all the time to keep in touch with my friends and i believe you can contact Tom the one whos in charge of the site and have her account terminated by him. 16 is a tough age, i was very rebellious too. It gets better I promise. Go to myspace.com and click on contact myspace at the bottom of the page or FAQ and it should explain how to do it from there. Good luck. L.

Hi J.,
I have a 16 year old daughter with a myspace. She was only allowed to have one if I had the password. Just like you she helped me design my myspace. She has no problem with me monitoring her site. She had two kids harrassing her online, instead of having her respond, I responded and it stopped immediately. You are not alone you have all of us for company.

I'm 48 soon to be 49 in July, I have 2 kids 16 and 12. I also have 6 dogs and a husband. I thank God everyday for this mess!

I have to agree about calling the police and also with the advice about the program that tracks everything done on the computer. I know that there are programs like that out there. You could probably talk to a person w/ computer experience to find the right program for you. I remember my parents put passwords on the computers so that they could moniter the time at home and even a lock thing on the tv! I guess my brothers gave them trouble. Good luck

I am SOOO glad u got that resolved!!! Yup when I read ur first post I knew it was no one GOOD.

Hey J.,

I am a mom of two small children and a step daughter who is 12.I made my own my space account to monitor her and she knows it. Her profile is set at private so she had to add me. But her just knowing that I can see it,it has change alot.Try it. Hope this helped. Good Luck

i dont know much about giving advice for teenages as i nnot too long ago was one and my children are yet soo young, but i do know from experience that you may go to myspace.com and there is some way too comunicate with them and delete your daughters profile. dont know how much that might help or not but at least possibly elimanate further harassment.... hope things get better.

That is so awesome!! I just read your post tonight and I was going to say to call the police, then saw that is what you did!!! It is neat that you are also showing aninterest in what your daughter is wanting to express on myspace. My son is on the computer all the time and I have a myspace that I have asked for his help with also (even though I don't use it for a whole lot!). I think there is so much for kids to get into these days...what do you do? I say I have to pick my battles. What a difficult choice, too!!!!!!!!! Good luck.

Dear J.

Sorry to say it is just the beginning and you need to stay strong on this wild roller coaster ride. My daughter is now 19 but I will never forget what she put me through at 16 it felt like I could not go on another day with the same arguements and my threating her it was just a mess, never did I think it would end. My friends said it would and I could not wait it took a couple of months until I just could not deal with it any more and I just let her be but still keeping a close watch just not making myself "CRAZY" anymore I went about my business felt alot better. Her issue was a boyfriend and coming home at whatever time she felt like. I don't know which is worse a teenage problem is still a hard one to deal with I am glad she was never interested in the computer can you imagine. Well hang in there keep on top of her but be kool about it make her your friend but let her know your her Mother looking out for her safty first and that you love. It will get better as she get older this is a very bad stage but teens go through it and plenty of Moms have survive and I am sure they can tell you a story or two about their own teens.

As for my Daughter she still has the same Boyfriend things are calm now with her he a nice young man but I still have my eyes on her and him too. I'm a Survivor.

I say get down on your knees and take it to the lord in prayer. In this day and age pair pressure is very hard on children in having a boy friend and so it's hard for them to communicate with parents about this topic.just ask the lord to help u to know how to go about dealing with the situation and he will help u through it.

Personally I haven't had to face this issue (I have a few years before i have to worry about the dangers of the internet and my children). I have nothing against myspace for adult use. I have a page myself to contact old friends and such. I do however feel that the laws are not tight enough. Before Myspace gets forced to regulate its members they should take into consideration the many dangers an online community can pose to teenagers. I found my neices profile and freaked. My little sister who is 16 also had a profile. There is an area where a parent can logon and delete their minor child's profile. As far as her being rebellious goes...I wasn't a rebellious teenager...my priorities were school and work (I worked after school and on the weekends). Unfortunatly, access to the internet is very easy nowadays. Keeping her off is next to impossible. I recommend sitting her down and explaining to her that you aren't trying to prevent her from having a life (tempting though), but that you are fearful of online predators. Remind her that anyone can disguise who they are from behind the computer screen. This reminds me of a "funny" image I saw once. I largely obese man half naked on one side of the screen chattting with a woman on the other side. He told her he had an atheletic build. If you allow her, urge her to go to group events such as school related events, group dates to the movies and the such. I would tell her that activities where she is involved with people that she knows are "real" will be much more fulfilling. I would limit her phone use too. My mother did. I wasn't allowed to spend hours on the phone and talking to someone states away would have been definetly out of the question. Tell her to get a pen pal. Don't give up. These are vital years where she really needs your guidance and direction. The Battles are normal. Just stand your ground and punish her for disobeying her.