Teaching Toddlers to Share

Toddlers become very attached to the objects they are holding. Not so much in a security way, but they feel as if that toy in their grasp is an extension of their own self. When another child toddles by and yanks that toy out of their hand, she will feel, literally, as if she's been amputated. So it's important to understand how your child feels when this sort of thing happens during play. And, that's why development psychologists recommend teaching our children to "trade" instead of "share". With sharing, the process involves giving away a toy with the hope that it will come back. This is too much for young toddlers to process. With a trade, there is always an object for every child to hold and connect with. That's why distraction works sometimes. Rather than wait for playtime to turn into taking away behaviors that you then have to manage, try to get your older toddler to practice giving. Ask your 3-year old, "Can you find a toy to give to baby? Baby needs to hold a toy." I realize that your 18-month olds are toddlers and not babies but establishing more giving dialogue and behaviors might help.
Secondly, understand that as much as we want our little angels to be loving and sensitive to all living creatures on earth, the reality is that young toddlers can't differentiate between object and people having feelings. When we see our 18-month old knock down another child to get to a toy, we think that is rude and rough play. Actually, the toddler only perceives the other child as an object in her way of getting to a toy she really wants. They don't comprehend that there are feelings involved. So we need to teach our toddlers that there is a difference between people and toys. We say, "You have to go around (child's name) to get the car. Go like this," and then physically help your child find a path around another child to get to the toys. And you can start introduce feelings by teaching, "It makes (child's name) sad when you take a toy from her hand. Let's find you a good toy right now so (child's name) can be happy with that toy and you can be happy with that toy."
It takes a lot of patience and perhaps a new way of parenting your children while they play but you are a loving mom and I know you can do it!

I have 3 under 4...I tell the older one she must switch toys with the younger ones if she want what they have, for the most part it does work. If there is still fighting I take the toy or thing away, it goes in a time out.

The 18-month-old twins don't have enough sense of "self" yet to really differentiate between what is "theirs" and someone else's. Unfortunately, you won't really be able to teach them to share yet - mostly you'll have to teach the 5-year-old to be tolerant and keep "special" toys away from the others. Let her close the door to her room to keep those toys safe if there is a large problem.

My daughter is 2.5 years and my son is 5 years old. With them I have a rule that if they fight over it - they lose it. I give them the count of three, reminding them what will happen if they cannot work out who gets to play with the toy. If it's something they really want to play with, they will stop fighting over it and work something out. If they don't - I confiscate it and it disappears for a day or so, depending on how they are behaving together. I've also found that sometimes less toys is more effective anyway. At younger ages I had more worries about keeping my daughter away from the toys that she wasn't old enough for and there was a lot of toys that have just ended up in his room for a while and then come back out as she reaches the right ages.

Hope that helps a little! Good luck!

Everyone had really great ideas. I also have twins. I would have to say at that age that was one of my biggest challenges. I also have an older one, but he was 5 years older, so I did not have the rivaly issues. I spent a lot of my time 'teaching' them to take turns and share. Trading was a big thing also. I felt they were very young to handle these concepts, but you don't have much of a choice with twins. I refused to buy two of anything, only bikes. If they wanted it, they had to wait. I was in a playgroup when they were 2 and 3, and it was amazing how much they shared and waited for their turn and didn't grab a toy out of the other kids hands like the other kids did. They really did learn, it just took a lot of time and you have to do it so early compared to the other children. It can be done! I always had my older one keep his toys in his room and that was off limits to the twins. I would even put a lock on his door. They learned that those things were his and if he wanted them to play with, that was up to him. You will always have sharing,taking turns issues with twins, I don't think it ends. They are together 24/7 and that can get frustrating. Soon you will have that 'a-ha' moment when you will see them trading toys without your asking them. It's great!

I think your girls are too little to share. I think they'll fight and you have to just put up with it a few more years. Ignore "bad" behavior as long as you can; praise "good" behavior, and take lots of deep breaths.

I am reading a great book on parenting that was given to us at our son's baptism. It is entitled Parenting By the Book.
It has opened my eyes to some the of the pitfalls the young moms today fall into. One was mentioned in a response..ignore bad behavior and praise good. This book will clarify so much about kids and what we need to do...I can't say enough!! I have a 3 yr old and a 5 mth old so I am really enjoying the read. My daughter is in preschool and she is very talkative and outgoing. I have had some issues at play dates before where she was grabbing things. I wish I had this book then!
hope you can pick it up...

Someone here recommended Siblings without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish to another question about children getting alone. I got it from the library on tape and listened while I did some cleaning around the house (when the kids were napping, they pick up on much more than we think) Anyway, it was not what I thought, but I got a lot out of it!

One of the best points was when they gave an example of a way you could put yourself in your child's shoes. What if one day your husband told you he thought you were so wonderful that he was going to bring home another wife just like you. In your case two more wives. They would be younger and people (including your husband) would pay attention to them in a different way then they did you. You would sometimes feel like he didn't pay attention to you anymore (even if he was) and now you had to share EVERYTHING that was yours with them too...including your husband! One day he buys you a new computer and you are trying to figure it out and in comes the two new wives. They ask to play with it, but it is yours and you don't want them to...so they go crying to your husband who comes in and says you must share it with them, give them a turn. They are a part of your family now and you need to love them and share everything with them. How would you feel? WOW! Makes you think, huh? She didn't ask for the twins so sometimes she might be feeling this way. It is important to understand how your daughter feels, she still will need to share, but understanding and validating her feelings will go a long way for all of you.

Also, we do a lot of "trading" at our house. When my younger child wants something and my older child sees and decides he wants it, I offer her something else (usually something he likes more so she ends up with the original desired item) and when he objects to the new object I present to her and wants it, I tell him to trade her. She can play with the first thing she wanted when he realizes he doesn't really want it. She also learns to share and trade by doing this. Sometimes, she likes what I offer her better and doesn't want to trade for the original toy. In that case, I tell my son that he picked the first thing and maybe when she is finished she will trade with him. When you are not forcing them to give things up or share but offering suggestions and keeping them safe from fighting, then they work out the trades and learn to get along. Sometimes hard with children as young as yours. In that case I use a lot of distracting tickles and tummy blowing to change the situation and transistion to something else. Good Luck!!