My 91-year-old Nana has been in the hospital for almost a week. She apparently has some kind of cancer (they don't know what yet) but that's not even the big concern now as they are trying to get some other vascular and cardiac issues stable first. We've heard everything from 3 weeks to a few months for her time line, and that if she gets well enough, she'll move to a nursing home and hospice will start there when she starts to decline. So this is an end of life journey for her.
I was able to visit her Tuesday and she had no idea who I was. She vaguely recognizes her children but not necessarily all of their spouses and none of us grandchildren. Despite that, she was remarkably stable when I was there and is doing better as the days go by (increased heart rate, eating more). She was able to eat, stayed awake, asked some questions and could hear when you yelled right in her ear (which was an issue before she got sick, her hearing aids don't fit well or work well).
So my question is this...do I take my kids (ages 6-15) to see her? Partly because of her hearing issues they aren't close to her because it's hard for them to get to know someone who can't hear them. They are close to my 93-year-old GMIL because she is active and talks to them and is really an integral part of thier lives while my nana hasn't been. Part of me thinks they should come and visit with me so that they can say they said good-bye and part of me thinks that they're not close to her and she won't know who they are so what's the point? My husband distinctly remembers visiting his great-grandfather before he died and it was a positive experience for him. What would you do?
ETA: my kids are all familiar with death and dying and have been to a ton of funerals so I'm not concerned that the hospital would be an upsetting experience for them. My GMIL was in the hospital recently and they visited her several times there as well as at the rehab she went to, but she was in better shape and actually interacted with them. I know those visits boosted her spirits a lot.
Thank you everyone for the wonderful advice! We did go to visit today and I took my 3 sons with me (my daugther had some commitments she couldn't move). It was a good experience - she's declining quickly and spent most of the time resting but my sister and some out of town cousins flew in and were there with us so it was a little reunion in her honor. Even though she wasn't cognitively aware of all of us there, I hope that she felt the love in the room. Queen of the Castle, thank you so much for the reminder about the works of mercy. I teach Sunday school and we talk about them, but it's easy to forget when you are actually doing them in your own life. It was a nice way to point out to the kids how we live our faith and visiting when someone is sick is what God wants us to do even if we're not sure whether or not the person gets anything out of it.
You will never regret taking them to say their good-byes and I love yous, but you will regret not taking them.
You can't undo this after she dies.
Visiting someone on their deathbed is a work of mercy. My parents always brought us to see family members who were in the hospital or in nursing homes. We bring my kids to visit their great-grandmother who was recently placed in a nursing home and whose only English words are "hi," "Happy Easter" and "Merry Christmas." It is one way we teach our children the importance of family and respect for life.
Absolutely, yes. Especially if your Nana will enjoy it.
Will the kids enjoy it - of course not. But doing things that we don't enjoy is part of life. Better to start now and get used to it. Being with family at the end is very important and you will be teaching them an excellent life lesson.
Best of luck to your Nana. I hope her final days are peaceful.
I'm pretty sure a very hard of hearing GGM would recognize live, smiles, a bouquet of flowers....I can't imagine why you wouldn't take them!
They're blessed to know TWO GGMs, don't you agree?
I would. Before taking them to see her I would explain to them that she might not recognize them but I would defintely take them. I was not allowed to see my grandfather and he passed away before I could see him and I still think about it and regret not being able to say goodbye.
Yes of course. It will be good for all of you.. This way no regrets about not visiting enough.
Depends on the kids. Death and illness sits very differently on each child. You have to know your children to make this decision. Talk to your pediatrician and see what he suggests and take it from there. The older children may be ok with it, but are they afraid, sensitive, strong, are they close to her......you know their personalities and you may also want to just sit them down and just explain the situation and ask who would like to go. Keep it simple. Good luck and I'm so sorry about Nana.
I'd make it individual. Take them unless one of them has a huge fear - but the older ones for sure should be able to handle it. She probably has an IV and a catheter bag (which shouldn't be too obvious) but otherwise she's not all covered with horrifying equipment or bandages. Explain up front what they're going to see. Let the younger ones know that hospitals are for people who get better as well as people who don't, but they are all getting good care. They can say goodbye or not say goodbye - up to you and them. But it actually might make it easier when someone they are much closer to is in this situation. They will already have been to the hospital for this nana.
It also gives them a chance to see YOU doing the right thing. That's an important life lesson. Going to funerals is different from going to see a living person. They will be better people for having learned that you give to those who are ill, and you give to those who are too forgetful or confused to even receive. It's also a time for them to learn the things you can say and those you might not want to say. Don't make them say goodbye - just let them hear you say, "Nana, I'm here for you with your great-grandchildren. Jimmy is playing soccer and Sally goes to dance. I've told them so many good stories about you."
My mother has been ill and, although she will recover, you can bet I had my son in there to see what the process is. After all, that's how I learned it - watching my mom take care of all the old folks in our family. It's an important skill and it makes things easier for them later if things are part of their memories. And they can be praised for doing the right thing even though it was difficult.
Why don't you give them the choice? It sounds like they are all of an age to decide whether or not they would like to go and say goodbye in person or not.
Let them know her condition and your concerns that this might be the last time they can see her in this life. Then let them choose...and support their individual choices.
since you said they are old enough to understand death and all of that, id just explain the situation to them.. i would tell them you think it would be a very good idea for them to go and see her, and it might make her feel better, but that ultimatley its their choice. If they really really dont want to go i dont think you should force them
I vote yes. Will never regret it! But you and they probably will if they never do.
I would say leave it to them. I'd actually discourage it. I think that having that picture of her in their head is not going to be pleasant or make them feel any more love for her than they do already. So I'd say no if it were up to me. BUT if they want to go see her I'd let them but make sure they really wanted to once they were at the threshold of the doorway to enter.
I would talk, as a family, with your children. Show them all the photos and talk about your relationship with your great grandmother. Answer all their questions and then make your decision about the 6 year old's visit. I think your 15 year old might be able to make his/her own decision.
May God bless and comfort your family.
Yes, I say definitely take them.
I would leave it to the kids to decide. If they're comfortable with going, I would encourage you to take them.
I remember visiting my grandmother in the hospital before she passed, and while it wasn't "pleasant," I'm glad I was able to say goodbye. This could be a great opportunity for your kids to say goodbye, but it may also lift her spirits to have young visitors.
