Death of a Grandmother

Hi J.,
My opinion, and it's just my opinion, is that these kids are too young to go to the wake. Yes, they could go, but I don't think they would understand it. I think the parents have to talk to them about what happened, and what CPR is etc. They can tell them that the people there were trying to help their grandmother. I also recommend a book called the Fall of Freddie the leaf, that talks about death. There may be others that a children's librarian can recommend. I just went to two wakes this past week. Both women were elderly and had been ill. Some people brought children with them. But, mostly it was people with 1 year olds or younger. It's harder when someone dies suddenly, and unexpectedly, for people to handle it. For that reason, I wouldn't have them go. If the kids were older, say school age, then I would think it was appropriate for them to attend.
Hope this helps...............M.

I can recomend 2 great books Cat Heaven and Tear Soup. My son lost his grandmother last year 3 days before his birthday those2 books helped us. L.

That is a tough one. My brother died two years ago and my kids didn't come.My son was 6 and my stepdaughter 14. I thought it would be more traumatic for them to see everyone crying and so upset.My son gets so worried when someone is crying especially me.I think it was the best choice.My stepdaughter didn't want to go for the same reason.It's hard to watch grown ups break down.Good luck. T.

It's very unfortunate that her death had to happen when they were there but I think since they saw her death, it would be better (more complete for them) to see the wake etc... and talk openly about how much every one loved her etc....

A great book for kids during this time is Nana Upstairs and Nana downstairs by Tomie DePaulo. Makes me cry every time..
--C. W
www.MyHomeCottageBiz.com

So sorry for your loss, but please DO NOT SAY SHE IS SLEEPING!!!
As a therapist and a parent who has taken kids to wakes (mine and clients), it's a really good idea for them to have an opportunity to see and say a peaceful goodbye. Explain that like the dead squirrels or birds or bugs they see in the world, grandma's body stopped working, there is no why, it just did even though we wish it didn't. That the doctors tried to fix her heart, but it stopped working and sometimes that happens. I usually try not to attach it to age specifically or you will create paranoia that every old person in their life will die asap.
Empathize with them about this being sad. Don't talk about her living in a "better" or other place, or they will feel rejected (what place could be better than where they are). Do talk about cycle of life stuff with them. Right now the trees leaves are dying b/c the cold makes it impossible for them to survive, just like her broken heart made it impossible for her to survive. Expect a lot of questions, expect sadness or anger and expect them to get over it a lot faster than the rest of you do. You don't have to have the answers, you can wonder with them and talk about how hard it is not to know the answers. Take time to pay attention to the games they are playing, expect EMT re-enactments, wake and funeral re-enactments and wishes that she lived or that they can be with her. They can make cards or take photos and place them in the casket.
Do plan to go, but also don't plan to stay long, or have a close supportive person take them after they say their good bye. Explain that other sad people are also saying goodbye to their friend. If they want to touch, let them touch gently, don't make them touch and follow their lead as to what they want to do and say that day.
Explain that their memories of her in their heart are a way to keep her with them and that they can still hear what she said, or watch a video of her in their brains and hearts. Remember kids are concrete, if you say that she is sleeping or gone away you will create a lot more questions.
Good luck, I know times like this are very challenging for whole families, but they can bring you all closer too. You can do a memory book or photos for their rooms, don't be surprised if they want to move it or get rid of it (from their room) at some point. Let them lead, don't put your expectations on them, and they will teach you and your family about saying goodbye... if you let them.
If you don't take them to the wake, they will likely retain the images they had (they will anyway) and will be confused about where did they take grandma? They may need much more work and have many more questions about it.
Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss....

Hi J.,
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of their grandmother. I lost my grandpa over the summer and I did not allow my 6yr old to go to the wake I did however take him to the church services and the to the cemetary. I told him we were going there to say goodbye to PaPa Joe. At such young ages as 4 and 3 they most likely will not rememeber it and taking to the wake I feel would confuse them they aren't really old enough to understand. My mother took my son to my great aunt's wake despite my giving her direct orders not to and actually climbed up to the casket because he wanted to take a nap with auntie I don't even think at the age of 6 he was ready to go to the wake occassionally he will mention to me mom remember when we went to say goodbye to papa but he doesn't even remember my great aunt at all. I think your sister needs to stand her ground on this one.

4 and 3 are young but I wanted to share my experience. My daughter was 7 when my grandfather died. We chose not to let her attend the services. 3 years later I now regret that. It never gave my daughter closesure and she was seeing a child therapist when we found out that alot of her problems were steming from the fact that she never got to say goodbye or grieve so therefore she never had closesure. I apolgized to her for that and in the future we plan to leave it up to her.
This is a tough descision since the kids are young. I wish you luck.

J.: I am so sorry for your loss. Most funeral homes are very accomodating and would let your sister and her husband bring the two little ones there to say goodbye to their grandmother when there isn't everyone else around. It is going to be hard for them and confusing anyway, but you can lessen that by going when everyone else is not around for the wake, etc. It is important for them to have closure, and they need to know the truth, and this is where your religious beliefs would play a part, I do not recommend that you tell them she is sleeping . . . that could get even more confusing for them. They need to know the truth, but simplify everything as much as possible for them. Best of luck during this trying time for you and your family.

Sorry for you loss!

Usually id say no to the wake and kids are to young to a point!But if they seen all that going on maybe it would be better to let them see her beautiful and peaceful for the last time to relax their minds.
god bless

I definitely agree they need to go to the wake. We've had four losses of elderly members of our family within the last year and took our girls to all of the funerals/wakes. Granted they are older (5 and 8), but it really helped them to have a special memory of the deceased. They must be horribly frightened by what they saw and it is confusing to them. My 5 (4 at the time) year old was a little freaked out at the first wake we went to for my grandmother and asked about a million questions while we were there, but she has been to several since and now can explain to us! The last wake we went to had a 2 year old there and she kept running back into the room to check on Granny. It was sweet and it's comforting to the other family members there to see the young kids carrying on the legacy.

Hi J.,
So sorry for your loss.

I have to say I strongly disagree with Charrissa B. about absolutely not having the kids attend. My father was a Funeral Director and I grew up in the Funeral Home with my family. When parents would ask my Dad if their children should come he always encouraged them too. It is a time for goodbyes but it is also a time for comfort and sharing. The children would not get that sense of closure if they are kept away from the wake, especially if everyone else is going. They will pick up on the fact that they are being left out of something and may feel as if they are being kept away because it is their fault or they are to blame. Remember kids imagination are powerful. Explain in detail to them what they will see. Tell them she is not sleeping, as others have said. Answer their questions honestly. Ask the Funeral Director if they can arrive 20 minutes before the wake officially starts so that they can say goodbye without everyone watching them to see how they are handling it. Did Grandma have a favorite flower or book or whatever that they could bring and "give" to her in the casket to bring on her journey? Let them put a picture of themselves in the casket so they are with her.

When my Dad passed away I was 3 months pregnant with my first child. I put a copy of the ultrasound in the casket. My nieces also put their pictures in. As an adult it made me feel good. It should for a child too.

I think your Brother-in-Law has the right idea about the last image of their Grandmother. I much prefer to call up the image of my Dad in the casket than the ones of him just after his heart attack lying on the ground and the ones of him in the hospital hooked up to machines. Children this age will pick up on the vibes of people around them, so if your sister and BIL remain calm and reassuring the children will feel calm and reassured.

Good luck. My thoughts are with you all.

B.

My deepest sympathy! I have read all the responses to this point and both sides have very good reasoning. This is truly a personal decision. I pray your sister and brother-in-law come to a mutual agreement over this. What ever they decide will be for the best as long as they are in agreement.

One thing that concerns me that has not been mentioned is whether or not the children have a sense of being the cause of Grandma's heart attack. My two girls (6yrs & 11yrs)were with their Nana & Papa this past August for an overnight. The following day my mother in law suffered a stroke. Fortunately, we had already taken the kids home and did not see it happen, but there were innuendos from Adult family members implying that the girls were too much for my m-i-l to handle. Thankfully, my m-i-l survived and is doing remarkably well. She also put those family members to shame for even suggesting such a thing. She was the one who asked them to come for an overnight and we accepted the invitation. It was the first time in over a year that my husband and I had a chance to be without the kids for 24hrs.
So my concern is with the possibility of the kids feeling responsible in some way for their Grandma's death. They may be oblivious to that connection, but I would keep a tab on that possibility. Hopefully it is not a concern at all.

Again, my sympathies to the entire family. It is never easy to say goodbye.
Warm Regards,
C. B

J.:

Sorry for the family's loss. It depends on the individual child. When my father died, my oldest son was only 2. I did not take him but had a sitter at my house for the after service. That way he could take part in some of the day.

The first thing is, please don't let your sister say "sleeping" - kids will think if they fall asleep, they might not wake up either.

With my kids - we talked about the grandparent "going to heaven to be with God." When our pet died last year, we talked about Lola went to heaven to be with God & Poppy.

She can even talk to the kids' pediatrician about how to handle the situation.

C.

J.,
My stepdaughter was 4 when her great grandmother passed away. She, too, saw her in distress right before she died. We decided to have her go to the wake. It was the best decision that we could have made. Our 4 year old took one look at her grammie and said, "Oh, good... she's sleeping now. Grammie was very sick and I'm happy that she's not hurting now." We told her that grammie was gone to heaven and that she would not be hurting ever again. It actually helped her with the death to go to the wake. The poor girl was worried sick that her grammie was hurting so much! If you can talk to your sister about it from that point of view, it may help. She may not be thinking that her kids are worried about grandmother. Either way, it will need to be addressed because kids are very sensitive about those things. They also need to know that they did not cause what happened to her. Another reason why they should go. I would recommend that if they go, they be brought to the private family viewing so that mom and dad can explain things and say good bye together. Then for the public viewing (if there is one) they could go to a sitter or with another family member.

J.~ it is unfortinate what the children saw, but i do agree with Clare. seeing thier grandmother at the wake will help ease what has been going thruogh thier minds, of the last time that they were with her. they will see her lying peacefully in her endless sleep. in July my grandmother passed and i took my 11 y/o daughter to her wake. because the last time that she had seen her was in the hospital hooked up to all kinds of machines. when went up to the casket my daughter looked at me and siad "Nana looks beautiful, she looks like she's ready for her night out." i knew then that i had made the right decision by taking her to the wake. whatever the parents decide to do, it's important that the kids can talk openly about how the are handeling this.
my thoughts go out to you and the family.
C.

I really think it depends on the temperment of the child(ren)...growing up in such a large extended family, it seemed we were always at a wake, a funeral, or a rememberance....I was brought to each one (from the time I was a baby), and it never had a NEGATIVE effect on me, I would cry, of course,but being sad is okay...It would be explained to me, from a childs point of view, and eventually I would learn that (whoever) had passed was no longer able to be seen, but would always still be around us....watching us, looking over all of us...
I would never hide anything, especially something as significant as a loved one passing from my children, especially if they had happened to be there when this happened. I agreee that they need to know what happened, and as long as it is approached in a correct manner, it will not have a lasting (negative) impact on either child, especially since they ARE so young...
I wish you luck in this diffucult situation, and if you would like to talk further, feel free to messege me, I have been through this many times with such a large family !!
-Sue

I don't know what the right decision is either way, but I do remember going to the wake for my great-grandfather (who I actually knew pretty well) when I was five years old and that, for me, it was reassuring because he looked so peaceful that death seemed less frightening. I had a 3yo brother who came too; I don't think he remembers anything but I can call and ask him if you want. If they do come, I would discourage reaching into the casket or anything like that - I've actually seen adults fall apart at wakes after reaching in to touch the body and realizing how un-alive the person really is.

i'm so sorry to hear of the death of their grandmother. my blessings and prayers go out ot you and the children. I'd have to agree with your brother in law maybe just a short visit ot the wake and judging from how they do the funeral. they are very impressionable and that situation can be very scary even for adults. they may benefit from seeing her peaceful. warmly K. d

sorry for your loss. i do not believe children belong at wakes, funerals. it's an emotional day for all involved, and more than they need to handle at such a young age.

Hi J.,

I'm sorry that you lost your mother, and I wish your family all the best during this difficult time. I'm so glad that you're thinking about the children. It's best if you can share your sadness with the children because that will give them permission to be sad. That said, all things in moderation...

Unlike some of the suggestions you've gotten, I wouldn't tell children that someone who has passed away, no matter how peaceful she looks now, is sleeping --- unless you want them to be afraid of napping and going to bed every night. Sleeping will mean a time when God can take you away or generally an unsafe time.

Some people buy extra toys for their children at times like these to make the kids feel better. I don't think this helps at all. You can't replace the loss of their grandmother with toys or things, and it sets up a bad pattern. Family closeness with everyone trying to be kind to each other and extra treats like making breakfast together would be better than "things."

Love, B.

Hi J.,
When my son was 4 yrs old his great grandmother passed away. He was very close with her--we had lived upstairs from her until he was a little over 3 yrs old. We had a similar situation where he saw her in an extremely unpleasant manner before she passed. She had been in respite care and we went to visit w/her to say our goodbyes. Our in laws were there and were going to take him so he did not have to see her...to make a long story short he saw her on her death bed. We did not have a babysitter for the open casket wake and so we had to bring him. He was comforted by seeing her so peaceful and he got to say goodbye to her. He brought up the subject of death and dying quite a bit afterwords but he also said he was happy to see that she was no longer sick and that she seemed happy. I feel that the wake was just what he needed it was "closure" for him.
I did explain to my son prior to going that Grandma was not asleep....I did not want him to fear going to sleep or having my husband and I falling asleep!
I am sorry for your families loss and hope you are able to figure out what is best for your children.

My children, ages 6 and 4, lost their great grandmother last summer. They were very close to her and visited often while she was in the nursing home in her last few months. Fortunately for us, the services were very low key - consisting of a simple mass and a few words at the cemetery (closed casket). My children participated in the event, and I think it was helpful for them as they processed the loss of a close person in their lives. They miss her very much in our day to day lives and I felt they deserved to have the same experience of closure as the rest of us adults. Seeing ones loved one in a casket is a bit different... but given the trauma your niece/nephew witnessed, I can see the logic at seeing her body in a state of peace. If they do attend the wake, I would be careful at differentiating between her "sleeping" and being "at Peace" or her body with us and her soul/spirit "with God" or however you describe it. I think describing death as "sleeping" can be scary for kids since we all go to sleep at night and they will obviously see that their grandmother's state is different from this. Good luck to your family in handling this difficult time. I hope you can be honest with the kids in a way that is simple and comforting for them. Remember that, in the past, throughout human history, children have always been exposed to death... "Ring around the Rosie" is about children dealing with the Black Plague, for example. Our culture shelters children from such losses to a great extent, and we need to rely on our own judgement and children's personalities on how to handle such situations.

I'm so sorry for your loss..

My daughter was 5 when her gma passed.. we talked very openly with her about what the process was and let her choose if she wanted to be there. We told her exactly what to expect, what she would see and if she was in any way uncomfortable, she could leave (have someone ready to scoop and go at a moments notice). My daughter was fine.. after about 5 minutes in the funeral home, she was up rearranging the photos in the casket. Just be honest with both your kids. if they are mature kids, then they may be fine and I think it may be a good idea for them to see her at peace instead of being pounded on by emt's. Tell them about the "pretty dress" and that gma is not in pain and is at peace now. The 3 yr old may have trouble with understanding, but your 4 yr old may be ok. If they are the least bit uncomfortable,take them out of there. goodluck

Hi J.,
Im so sorry for your familys loss! Thi is a tough one. My feeling is everyone handles death differantly! You never know how a certin situation is going to affect a child untill after.Do you have any faminly members that are in the therapy or couseling field? Their opion may help with your sisters choice.
I lost my father when my daughter was 4. My dad and her were bestfriends. What I did was exactly what your doing . I asked Everyone their oponion(esesialy the family) then made my desition not to bring her. I felt that brining her would be to much for her. We envolverd her in the gathering after. I used books and discutions about our beliefs on death.
Dealing with death is a very personal thing , but it is a part of life and is a learnig experiance just like any thing else.
My thoughts are with your family Im so sorry!
K.

I think it's a good idea for the kids to go. A few years ago a good friend of mine lost her husband to Cancer. She has two small children. I went to the wake and brought my oldest daughter with me since she was friends with the children. I wasn't sure how she'd be with the open casket. To me it's creepy, but I also wasn't looking at him as if he's just sleeping. All of the kids who were there were going up to the casket and putting pictures in there including my daughter. It might not be a terrible thing for your sister's children to see grandma in a more natural looking way and the way they remember her. It could give them some closure. They watched all those life saving efforts being made and to no avail. If they don't go then what are they going to think happened to grandma? Kids are amazingly intuitive and I think getting together with the whole family and everyone rallying around them sharing memories of grandma with grandma there in a "pretty dress" how they should remember her is a good thing.

M.

First off, my condolences to your sister. I agree with the kids father - my grandfather passed away in March and although my kids (5 and 2) didn't experience what your niece and nephew did, they did benefit from seeing my grandfather and being able to say goodbye. Although the 2 year old didn't really "get" it, my 5 year old did. We told the kids that whenever they wanted to, they could talk to great pappy and that he could hear them. And, if they asked, he would toss down pennies to them so they know he is thinking of them. It has worked great - my kids talk to him and ask him for pennies and then I scatter some around the next day so they find them. Its a way for them to still feel connected. I hope your sister finds a way through this.

You have lots of suggestions - and in the end your sister will need to decide what is best for her family, knowing that no decision is guaranteed to be correct.
My husband's cousin is a funeral director and grief counselor. She helped me make the right decision for our 3 year old when my father-in-law died. Each child is different and might need a different approach. They should each have a special adult looking out for just her - so one may leave while her sister might stay if that is was is needed.
Have your sister talk to the funeral director, and if they belong to a religious organization, also to the minister, rabbi, iman, or whomever would be in charge of the service. These people deal with life and death on a regular basis and are often (but not always) trained to help people through the ordeal.
Follow the children's lead in the months to follow.

Dear J.,
I am sorry for your loss. I had a similiar thing happened to me also. My daughter was 4 at the time. She asked me many questions about death and is now 8 and still talks about the day my dad died. I did not bring her to the wake or funeral,I believe that is a personal decision. I can suggest that if they were traumatized by the event, you should seek counseling for them. The other suggestion I have is take out old pictures of their grandmother and focus on all the good memories instead of the day she died. I am sure that was a traumatic event for them and one they will never forget.

Hi J.,

I agree with your sister - ABSOLUTELY NOT! They're WAY TOO YOUNG to attend. We just experienced the same thing with my boys (4 & 6) great grandfather, he actually lived with us & we were all very close to him. I took care of him the last 4 years of his life.

My kids did NOT go. My husband also thought they should, and we argued then I finally said - you know what - call some other family members & ask them - THANKFULLY they were all on my side. WAY TOO YOUNG. Kids can't understand or comprehend all that stuff.

My sister in law brought her 9 & 11 year old girls & the 11 yr old cried pretty bad, but the 9 year old was in hysterics!!! My sister in law glared at her husband & took the girls home. They did NOT belong there at all.

If your brother in law wants the kids to remember her - give them pictures, tell stories, watch old family movies ... kids do not belong at a wake AT ALL what-so-ever.

Hope that helped
My sympathies to your sister & her family
God Bless
C. B.

I just lost my dad in June and I thought that my 7 year old was to young to go to a wake. But someone said let her make the decision. She wanted to go and she remembers my dad better I think. The secreyt for her was that she made the desision. I hope this helps.

C. Burke

Hi J.: What a terrible thing to have happen. I am so sorry. I think it is important to use the kids as a barometer. If they want to go, they should go and have an adult with them that will leave at any time if they want to leave. Probably important to have a designated adult for each child. It will not help at all to try to erase or dismiss what they saw. It may take time for them to process it, and going to the funeral may be an important step for them in understanding that she is dead. I don't think seeing her in the pretty dress is the point, but that they need to be a part of the experience in the way the can handle. I've always heard that from a psychological point of view, it's important not to exclude kids from death/funeral experiences. They are too tuned in to their surroundings and will know that the adults around them are grieving. Best of luck.

Hi J.,

I'm sorry for your family's loss, but please know that she is in the loving arms of our Lord, forever at peace and rest. In regard to your question, it is a difficult situation. On one hand, I do not think that small children should be subject to the ritual of a funeral. Funeral's are not for the departed, but for the living. What good does it truly do a child of 4 and a child of 3 to see their grandmother lying in a casket? What good does it do these children to see so many loved ones crying, sad, and looking scared (think how a child that age perceives an adult grieving)? My now 4 year old daughter has seen me cry for a variety of reasons and I can tell you that she is scared each time she sees it. Basically, having children at a funeral serves only the adults' purposes. "Oh, see how much they love her." I can also appreciate that there are people who like to see children present as a way to remember that life is a cycle--but again, that is for the adults, not for the sake of the children.

My own mother was 6 years old when her mother died. At her funeral, she was told to go up to her mother in the casket to say good-bye. What she remembers is not the beautiful woman she loved, but something that kind of looked like her mother, but wasn't. There were lilies on the casket. To this day she hates white lilies because they bring back the memory of her mother lying motionless in a casket.

All of this being said, it is the parents of the children who have to make this decision. It is not an easy one. Ultimately, though, I think that if they make their decision based upon what is best for the children--and NO ONE else, they will have their answer--whatever it may be.

So sorry for your loss. If the kids ask to go let them. My brother was 4-5 when our grand mother passed and he wanted to go. My dad did not want him to. He did fine. I think under the circumstances it is a good thing for them to go. Have them go in before others are there and then have someone whom they love to be with take them out for something fun.

I highly recommend the book written by Mr. Rogers about helping kids understand - in an age appropriate fashion - about the death of a person. I stumbled upon it in Barnes and Noble bookstore while looking to find something to help me explain to my two year old about the death of our dogs (both had to be put down within 5 days of each other).
It's a very short book and I managed to read the whole thing in 1/2 hour. It basically said to be honest and not to use phrases like "sleeping" when explaining to children because it's confusing and potentially scary to them.... anyway... that's my recommendation. All the best to you and your family at what must be a difficult time.
- H.

Would not use the word "Sleeping" as a parent this happened to two small children who were in my care,at 18 months and 6 years old.Grand ma has gone to be with Jesus she will always be in your heart and thoughts.the children will need Clousure being able to say a final fare well they can draw a picture,color,a small token that they can give to there grandma,even a picture of children and grand ma together .The parents them selfs should both agree on this as involveing there children to help pre pare them for this.

J., I am very sorry for your family's loss. I am actually going through the same thing right now. My grandmother passed away and tonight is her wake and tomorrow is her funeral. We have 3 young children, 8, 6 and 3, and we are planning on bringing all of them with us tonight and tomorrow. My brother is also planning on bringing his 2 children, 4 and 1, both days as well. My husband and I have always tried to take the honest approach with our children and not shield them from things like this, but we do try very hard to explain things to them on their level. We explain to them that this is a time to say our final goodbye to someone who has touched our lives. They have been to several wakes over the years for people and they said their goodbyes and they are starting to have a little bit of an understanding and it is not so frightening for them. Our personal thoughts is that it is just as important for them to get a chance to say goodbye as it is for us. They have better memories than we sometimes give them credit for and it may scare them even more in the long run if they don't get to have closure and they may think that this person simply disappeared one day. I stay at home with my 3 year old daughter and she made several trips to my grandparent's house during the final days of my grandmother's life and I think it would be more confusing to her if she doesn't get to see the process of what happened to Great-Grammy after she has passed. I hope that helps your sister to make a decision and may peace be with your family during this time.

Hi J., Children are so in tune to what is going on around them, they are more resilient than we give them credit for. When my husband's grandmother passed away in September, we made the decision to let my 3 year old son decide for himself. We talked to him at a level he could understand about death and that we wouldn't get to visit Granny's at her house any more but that we could always remember her in pictures and memories. He chose to come to the service and did very well. Children need to be given a choice, we're often surprised at how well they handle these life situations. Good Luck in making a decision right for your family. M.

Hi J., My experience was the loss of my father in law I had a 3 1/2 yr boy and 1yr old daughter. My son was very close to him, saw him every day played with him and he even babysat for us cuz he wanted to!! Big loss for us but my children were not around when he had his heart attack, also my children did not go to the wake or the funeral and I question whether that might have helped them. My son did not mention anything about 'Grandpa' for nearly a year and since then of course we talk about him almost daily and keep him in our memories, but he is super sensitive about the loss and I sometimes wonder if it would have helped him say goodbye had we brought him to the wake. Its a tough choice for your friend and perhaps going to a service to see how many people loved her grandmother and hear words of encouragement and love from the service about her grandmother might be helpful to the kids to put a better 'last memory' in their minds and hearts. Good luck to your friends family and we will pray for them.

I would DEFINITELY take the kids to the wake; they do such a great job making the person look the way they did regardless of what state they were in at the end of their life. For my kids, when my grandfather died, I was very clear to point out that he was NOT sleeping, eg. his chest was not rising and falling and he didn't change position, because I didn't want them to fear going to sleep that they would never wake up. But it does provide good closure for children to see the person in an open-casket wake, especially if they had a disturbing last interaction with her.

Hi J., First of all I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your sister's mother in law. For the children to witness that, is just terrible. I feel that at their age, they are too young, especially because of what they witnessed. They can't process the sight of a dead person in a casket. I was only 6 when my great grandfather passed away. Back then (i'm 45 now), my family made me attend his wake/funeral. I had nightmares for years because he was so special to me, and I just couldn't bare the image of him in the casket. What they need is someone to explain to them that she's in a better place now, not in pain any longer and she's with God (if that's your belief). I hope this helps.. the best of luck to you and your sister. God Bless! C.

Hi J.,

I agree with Carolyn G. that they should be allowed to go to the wake. I would find a good book about death - yes, ask your librarian, look on the internet too. After that you could ask them if they would like to go to see their grandmother one last time. It's a special occasion, so we dress up.

I didn't get to go to my grandfather's wake. It was assumed that we wouldn't want to go since it was a closed casket. No one asked. We were told. I wanted to. I was older, but I think the children will appreciate having been able to attend when they are older.

I think it will be very important for them to see her looking pretty and comfortable.

Sorry for your loss,
Maureen

I'm so sorry for your family. My daughter recently lost her grandmother too. My daughter is just shy of 2 yrs old. I was going to have her see my mother, but was displeased with how she appeared. Her face wasn't right, so I decided not to, although 2 months prior I had her see her great grandma in her casket and she was fine. She said bye bye to her. My mom was a school teacher and the school asked we have a closed casket for her service for the sake of some of the kids. I personally think if the 3 and 4 yr old want to see her let them. Make it their choice. Prep them with talk of earthly body and spiritual being. Don't tell them she's sleeping. Tell them she's in heaven and a guardian angel looking over them, or what ever you believe. I told my daughter that we would never see grandma in person again, but would only be able to see her in pictures and our memories. Mine is too young to grasp this, but maybe your niece and nephew can understand it a little more. I would even ask the school psychologist or a doctor for their perspective on the kids' emotional wellbeing.
I'm so sorry the kids witnessed that horrible event. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
The kids might benefit from making a memory board or some art for their grandma. It can be healing and a good thing to gauge their feelings and get them talking.

This is a hard situation, but when my sons great grandfather passed away, he was only 3. It was a hard thing to go through, but when I sat down with him and explained what has going to happen, the wake and funeral, he understood. It was a way for him to say good bye. It was the best decision that I ever made with him. And he still carries that memory with him and instead of getting sad, he is glad that I made it easy for him to understand and let him be there. In my opinion I think she should let the kids go.Give them a chance to see her in a better situation and they can say their good byes. I agree with the dad.

I don't know what religious beliefs you carry, but I tell my 3 y.o. that they're not with us anymore, but they're in heaven with Jesus. This is a great comfort. Funerals are important for closure, no matter how old a person is, I believe this. The kids will know from the other people's reactions that this is not 'just sleeping'. Sadness is ok and this kind of thing is a fact of life. Yes, they're kids and they are going to have questions. Answer them truthfully. I never understand why people try to shelter these things from their kids. It just makes it more difficult for them to talk about them when they are older. If you set it up that it is ok to talk about death, then they will feel comfortable talking about it with parents. I'm pretty sure no one is going to like what I've said, but this is what we do and there hasn't been a problem. She was their grandmother. They are going to need closure as much as the adults do.