What Age Is It Ok to Take Your Child to a Funeral?

I still remember going to my grandma's funeral when I was 4 and seeing her in the casket - one of the few memories I have of her and I'm sooooo glad my parent took me. So like most everyone said - it depends on the relationship of the child and person.

I don't know what the experts would say but I can share a littlevof my own experience. I went to my grandfathers funeral somewhere between the ages of 4 and 6. I remember not really understanding what was happening but I knew he was dead. It all felt a little strange and lots of people were really sad and I didn't quite know what to make of it. But I wasn't traumatized by it or anything. Hope this helps in some way.

I grew up going to funerals. I know adults who have NEVER been to one. And they fear death. I was taught that death is a part of life and we don't know how long we have here or how long we have our loved ones.

We went to a funeral for my aunt (graveside, no open casket) in December. The girls were very interested in the process and met relatives they otherwise would not have met. They were almost 6, almost 5, 3 1/2 and not quite 2. They didn't know my aunt (she was mentally ill and stayed in her house all the time and didn't want visitors.) But the funeral had a wonderfully positive impact on them. The next month a friend of ours died suddenly of a rare form of cancer we didn't know she had. There was a memorial service and we took them to it as well.

Then in March my son was stillborn at 40 weeks. I was SO thankful that they had these small tastes of death before this tragedy struck. I asked them if they wanted to see him and they did, so I arranged a special viewing of just our family. They spent a lot of time looking and touching. They wanted to hold him but I didn't let them. The funeral was open casket. Yes, they acted up alot later and are still having some issues but I think they really needed to be there and their behavior is related to normal grief. They are very sad still that they didn't hold their baby brother and talk about that 6 months after the fact so I know that spending time with him was a good thing.

Now my husband has cancer and if he should die (it's fairly advanced as the drs didn't know what to make of his symptoms for a whole year) then the girls have had these little preparations.

Americans tend to shelter children from death, pain, and other negative human experiences. I think that the fairy tale view of life is more damaging then the harsh realities.

As for viewing the body, that's up to you and your daughter. Make sure that you explain to her what happened and what it will be like (this is just the shell, the person is not in there, it won't talk or breather or open it's eyes, ect.)

I wish you the best,
S., mom to four little ones

It's okay to take your daughter to the funeral and let her lead the way as to how much she wants to know / deal with - don't force it.

Kids have a way of dealing with these things on their own terms and verbalizing it in their own way. Answer any questions she might have but don't get too "adult" in your answers - keep them on a kid level.

I would also suggest you take a doll, book or something else to keep her occupied once her interest level wanes.

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

When my mother-in-law passed away last year, our children were 6, 4, and 18 months (who obviously didn't understand anything about what was going on). We took them all to the funeral home the night before the funeral and let them see their Nana. We had been talking about her death for a week at home, and I told them they could ask me any question at all that they had. My oldest asked me some bizarre question about the burial (I think it was about whether dogs would dig up her bones), but I didn't laugh, just answered it for him. Before going to the funeral home, we talked about what Nana would look like (she would look like she was sleeping), and I told them they could look at her if they wanted to, but they didn't have to, and it was really an opportunity to see her one last time, tell her they love her, and say good-bye. We also took them to the funeral the next day. My oldest didn't want to see her again before they closed the casket, but my 4-year-old did, so we went to say one last good-bye together. We didn't take them to the burial, but only because it was a 2 hour drive there and back, so my mom watched them while my husband and I made the drive alone.

Just be expected for anyway that your daughter might deal with her grief (if she was close to the deceased relative). My oldest wrote Nana's name over and over again throughout the funeral, and drew pictures with "I miss Nana" all over it, which continued for awhile. His grief came out with his pen. My 4-year-old daughter had a harder time dealing with the grief, and became very worried about me leaving her anywhere because she was afraid I was going to die, too. Once she finally verbalized that fear, (which came about because of some flippant comment I made about my knee hurting because I was old, and she said, "But, Mommy, I don't want you to die!") and we were able to talk about it, she wasn't as afraid of that anymore. And I really don't think that her fear stemmed from attending the funeral or seeing Nana in the casket, but was just her way of dealing with the loss.

My kids have gone to multiple funerals and at different ages. I have allowed them to see everything if that's what they wanted, including viewing the body (especially if it was someone they knew). But, the ones who didn't want to go up close, I didn't force them to. You know what your kid can handle and can't. They also respond as you do and if you generally overreact to things, they will too. Births and deaths used to be very much a part of all kids' lives, living in rural communities they saw the whole process of life in humans and in animals. Nowadays, that isn't the case. We are so sheltered in the process of births and deaths and even how we get our food, it's somewhat sad. I think kids should be given the opportunity early on to experience death. They need to know and be prepared, not in a sheltered way, but in a positive way. This is part of life. Beware, though. Many people will think you are doing something horrible to your child and will feel free to voice that to you. Expect it and you will handle it better. The key is to talk to your child and explain things as they will not be a shock. You also want to explain to your child not to ask questions during the funeral, but to wait until you are alone in the car. It is a sensitive time and curious kids aren't always sensitive with their questions. Answer all questions privately, but honestly. If you are calm and matter-of-fact, then even emotional kids will become calm about the whole issue. They will also begin to question their own deaths or death of a parent. It really is a great learning experience for them, even though it is not a pleasant one. It has become so much more of an emotional issue to address with kids than it ever was in history. Our modern American culture doesn't address it well.

Not that you need any more responses. ;) However, I think if its a funeral of someone they possibly knew or even if its just someone you knew, it really is a good idea. Its good to talk to your child and explain things in their language about life and death. It does prepare them for an event of a loved family friend or relative. No need to go into a lot of detail. Somehow, at their small age, they get it. Its a perfect time to explain your faith to them and to witness how precious life is. If she does not want to view the body, don't push it, just go off of her ques.

We took our children to funerals when they were babies (my daughter was only 6 months old when she went to her first funeral and my son was 7 months old when he went to his first funeral). We sat up in the front unless they got fussy....then we took them to the cry room, etc. Funerals are a part of our life and don't want our children growing up scared or foreign to any part of it. They will understand life and death just as we were raised.

To me it depends on the relationship the child has to the person you are honoring at the funeral and the ability of the child to handle the situation emotionally. We took our children to their great-grandmother's funeral and they were a comfort to my husband's grandfather. I kept the 1 1/2 year old near the back but our 3 1/2 year old sat near the front and afterward curled up in grandpa's lap, they had the sweetest conversation.

It's really important to give a child a sense of purpose and help them understand how you want them to act. Also explain that it is ok to be sad but that our job is to be supportive and helpful to the other family members. Help them look for ways they can help others, like getting a glass of water, or holding someone's hand.

Our family talks about how going to funerals is a show of respect to the person has died, and doesn't make it into a morbid experience.

We don't make the children view the body, and usually they close the casket towards the beginning of the funeral. So its really a time of reflection and if religious a time to worship God. This can be started as early as you feel comfortable with it, but do prepare children before going.

Both our daughters attended their first funeral before they were 1. We, and our church, believe that death is part of our earthly life and that it should not be something to be afraid of. This extends to the loved one. A person "who has fallen asleep in this earthly life" should not be feared or avoided.
When my father-in-law died, my husband took our oldest daughter to the casket for a final look before we left the church. Without any prompting, she leaned over, kissed her grandfather on the forehead and said very clearly "Goodbye, Granpa." She was 6 years old. In contrast, her 6 year old cousin was kept at home because her mother didn't want her exposed to the ugly side of life.
Is it ugly to see a person you loved for the last time in this lifetime? I would always regret missing the closure.
On the flip side; my own mother is afraid of death. She "shielded" me from funerals until I was 22 when I attended my first as a member of the church choir. I was so afraid, I had to leave the church sobbing.
I think it's easier for the child to grow up with the understanding that death is not scary, it's not unnatural, zombies aren't going to chase you, etc. But that's your call. I encourage you to do what you think is right for your child.

Hi B.-

My thought is this....what is your daughter going to gain by going? If she knew the deceased well and needs some "closure" or an opportunity to say goodbye and can understand what is going on, then yes take her. If she was not close to the deceased and is not asking questions about the death or the funeral and you see no benefit to her going I don't see why you would take her.

Good luck with your decision,
K.

The most important thing is to explain what's going on. I still remember to this day my grandmother dying. One day I saw her in the hospital, and the next I was sitting in the back of the church watching my mother and everyone cry. No one told me what was going on. They just assumed that I knew what had happened. To this day, I abhor funerals. I won't go to them.
So just explain - that's the best advice I can give you.

I do recommend that she go IF she wants to. Please do not make her attend. We would take our children to funerals when they were young, sit in the back, not view the body, explain that you behave the same as "big" church. We were able to answer questions then, when it was a distant relative and we were not so wrapped up in our own grieving. When the kids were still in elementary school and my father died, they only had a few questions about death, embalming, etc. However, my youngest son was only 5 when a very close family friend died. He did NOT want to go to the funeral and we did not make him. He often talked of this friend and asked questions, even had nightmares without going to the funeral. There is no textbook answer to your question. It really does depend on the child's maturity, desire, and relationship to the deceased.

It depends on the child. When my daughter was 4, her paternal grandmother died. We were divorced, but I had just taken my daughter to spend 5 days with her grandmother. (Her father couldn't be bothered!) On first hearing of her grandmother's death, she mentioned someone we knew that her grandmother could see in heaven. So my sister went with my daughter and me back to Mississippi for the funeral. When we first went into the room with the casket, my daughter said she did not want to look, so I honored her wishes. We stayed there for a few minutes, and she decided she wanted to go look. Her question was, "Where are her legs?" since you can't see them. We took her to the funeral and to the cemetery, because she indicated that she wanted to go. I am not sure how much she understood, but it was not traumatic.
When she was 6 and a half, her maternal grandfather died; she participated in the activities then, too.

So much depends on the maturity and sensitivity of the child, and how attached she was to the person whose funeral it is. My kids were pretty sturdy emotionally, and we explained ahead of time what the purpose was and what would happen as best we could. I don't like open caskets, and I would not have a child see one...but that's just me. When my husband's stepmom died my teenagers chose not to see her at the visitation. Ask her how she feels about it, and explain that a funeral is a way to say goodbye to someone and whatever religious significance your family observes. The big key would be to prepare her and talk beforehand. I'm sorry for your loss.

B.,

First of all my condolences. It all depends on the relationship of the decease. If your love one is a close relative to your daughter, then I would take her and keep her involve it what is taking place. It is important to let her see what is taking part and answer her questions as true as possible. Let her express what she is feeling. If I can help, let me know.

Funeral Director

Another mom asked about this a few months ago. She was also given great advice.. check out her posts also..
Jennifer M. Sept. 1, 2009.

This was my response.
In our family we have a saying, "Always go to the funeral". It shows the greatest respect, caring and support for the grieving family. Funerals are part of living... The highest honor you can give someone and their memory is attending the funeral. It takes effort, emotion and a bit of yourself to be their for those in grief. Children can handle this. It is just like attending any other ceremony we attend as a society. We explain what will be happening, what we may see and what behaviors are expected.

My husband had never attended a funeral until he attended my grandfathers funeral. My husband was 21. His family did not think it was something children should attend.
He was so freaked out by it. And yet my family views, funerals like family reunions. The kids attend and understand that this is just part of our lives. They may get upset but we are all there to show them that it is going to be ok. They see the adults mourn, they see the person praised and blessed and then they see them buried. Then they see that we all survive and go on with life.

There are great books that explain death to children without frightening them. Here are a few titles. "Nana upstairs and Nan downstairs", "Sad isn't bad", "Gentle Willow". I think adults are more worried about upsetting them than they will really be.

I would ask your child if she would like to attend. If she only met this child this school year, she may not really want to attend. If she was friends with her last year or longer, she may want to go for her friend. Do not underestimate children.

When my daughter was in daycare, one of the moms was killed in a tragic accident. We explained to our own children what had happened. I then told my daughter that her classmate was very sad. Then I just let my daughter ask us any questions. My daughter wanted to know "where was he going to live?" I told her "with his grandparents." She said "what will happen if they die." I told her "he could come live with us." Then after a long pause she said "how will he go to the HEB and buy food?" I told her "his grandparents will take him." She said "what if they cannot take him." I told her "we would take him." She said "that sounds like a good plan". She was 4.

We did not attend the funeral because it was held out of town. But my daughter wanted to attend and asked if she would get to go. Instead we sent some cookies that my daughter wanted to send. (she knew about the "party" that would be held after wards). Short honest answers are always best. Do not make it a big Scary secret.

HI! First I would have to say it would depend on the family memeber who died. How close was your 6yr old to the family memeber? Does she need to be there? Does she understand what is going on? It all depends on the circumstances and what you feel.

My nephew died this summer and of course we took my two children ages 8 and 11. It was very traumatic on them. So,I want to let you know it can be very traumatic and introducing them to death "real death" can have long lasting affects on children.

Good Luck and I am sorry for your loss!!

~~A.

Please do not do this, it is hard enough for some adults to go through this. When they and they will see adults crying this will be very upsetting to them. Something that you do not need them to remember and go through again and again. Wait till they are older and have more understanding.

That depends solely on the child. I thought it would be a closing experience for my childern to goto the Grandmothers funeral. I was wrong. The 8 year handled it, the 4 year old understood, but the 6 year old totally freaked. He started shaking so badly we had to leave. Now we can't even say the word dead or he starts getting scared again. It's been 4 months and he is just now getting over the trama. So, I say no. I know they need to understand about the circle of life , but some things are better as an abstract idea.

My husband's stepmother passed away not too long ago and he took our then 6 yr.old son to the funeral, and he was allowed to view everything. The funeral was out of state and I could not go with them due to other obligations . Honestly, if I had been there , he would not have been allowed to view everything. I mean he was taken up to the coffin and saw her. To me, thats too much for a 6 yr.old to take in.
Before the funeral, I explained to him that grandmother was very sick and her body couldn't live like that anymore, and that she went to heaven. He understands when you talk to him about God, so I told him thats where she went. Also that she's in a better place now and she's happy again.
So when I found out that he was able to view it all and up so close, I felt sad in a bit. I didn't want him to remember her like that, he 's too young in my opinion.
After the funeral and they came home, for about 2 weeks he acted out horribly.
He's now back to his normal lovable, sweet boy self again, but my gut tells me that whole event effected him more than we thought .

My daughter was 4 when her grandpa died. She was very close to him and was very sad about not being able to see and play with him again. She is very smart and remembers everything. I did not let her view the body, because I did not want that to be her last memory of him. We went to the funeral, but I stayed in the back with her until the casket was closed then joined the rest of our family in the front of church. Not everyone in our family agreed with our choice to not let her view the body, but I now know we did the right thing. She is now almost 9 and still has many great memories of him.