Struggling with a Friend's Comment That She Was Jealous of My Miscarriage

I can tell you when I was younger I would say I am jealous of the kids that were physically abused, at least they had proof. It may sound mean, or unkind, until you look at where I was coming from. I had been emotionally abused since I was two, bullied like crazy at school and no one cared. My mom is mean to me doesn't have quite the impact as my mom threw me down the steps and broke my arm.

I am not saying your friend was right for what she said. I know I would have never shared my feelings with someone who was actually physically abused. I just understand what she is saying and hopefully can explain her feelings behind it.

You lost a child, you have people around your supporting you, trying to help you through it. She has none of that support but still has the pain of not having a child. She was saying she was jealous of the support you were getting because she is suffering alone.

I hope this helps.

I'm glad you understand what's going on here. At least there's that. Truthfully, you can forgive, but you don't have to keep putting yourself out there for her bipolar type relationship machinations.

What she said was truly terrible, L.. She thinks it's better to have a baby die in utero than not get pregant at all. And she wishes it on you.

I don't think I could stand to be her friend anymore. There's a difference in fair weather friends and someone like her.

Please pull back. This is beyond what you should have to endure.

Dawn

She leads a sad existence, and I mean that as being more negative.

She lives/was taught growing up - that life is a zero sum game. In other words, for me to win, you have to lose (the two sides of the equation balance to zero, hence the name).

She only feels like a winner when she one-ups someone. She doesn't have that inner sense of self happiness to be secure in being happy for your "win" without viewing it as a "loss" on her side.

With that knowledge, hopefully you can give her comments and attitude the attention they deserve. None.
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Well said Jo - I too was jealous of those with "proof".

First, congrats on this pregnancy and I'm sorry for your prior losses. I truly wish you a healthy, happy pregnancy.

What your friend said was hurtful, but I don't think that she meant to hurt you. What she is saying is that in this process that you are both going through, trying to have children, you have more reason to hope than she does. Yes a pregnancy loss is awful, but not being able to get pregnant at all is even more hopeless. I think that's what she's feeling and was trying say. It would be like the mother of a still born being jealous of a mother whose baby died at a year old - at least the second mother had that year, it's more than she had. It's a heartbreaking and morbid way to think, but that's where she is in her pain.

I don't think that someone in pain distancing herself from someone who is happy is the sign of a bad friend, but of someone whose coping skills are different from yours. While you're hoping she can reach out to support you during your losses, she may be grieving round after round of failed IUI or IVF or is trying to find ways to pay thousands of dollars to start these processes or whatever and has nothing left to give.

I dunno - at the end of the day, you are both in places of grief and loss and dashed hopes. If I were you, I would seek out the support you need from other family and friends and just keep her at arms length. Hopefully some day years from now you'll both be attending birthday parties for each others' kids and this will all be water under the bridge.

Best wishes to you!

To be devil's advocate, when you were expressing how sad you were, did you consider that she can't even get pregnant? Did you say once you were sad or talk about it a lot? I'm not saying what she said was ok but it does depend on how often you were expressing your disappointment. And I'm sorry as well for your loss. Did she ever say she was sorry or you told her what happened and she immediately said she was jealous vs gave you any consolation? So how bad what she said depends somewhat in my opinion on the context. I try to be very careful who I complain or express sadness to depending on their circumstances. Maybe you are too and of course you should be able to say you're sad to her but it's a difficult situation for both of you guys bc you are "ahead" of her in a way. It sounds like she may have this pattern so that's something to definitely be aware of and then I guess you figure out if the good outweighs the bad.

I am so sorry for your losses. May this pregnancy bring the happy, healthy child you are waiting for.

As for your friend's comments, women that long for something that is easily out of reach can say bitter, bitter things. If she'd had a miscarriage and your pregnancy had carried to turn, she probably would've been bitter about the fact that her's had not. So while the comments were hurtful and shame on her for trying to steal the focus from you during your grieving, please try and forgive them.

As for the friendship moving forward, from what you describe, it is possible that she only sees your friendship as a competition wherein she's happy to be your friend as long as she is the one that is happy or having happy events first.

As for your current pregnancy. Again, sending happy, healthy vibes. Personally, I would not reach out to her to tell her about this pregnancy. If you happen to run in to her or SHE contacts you and it comes up, then it comes up. You can use the fact that you didn't want to spare her more hurt feelings (putting her comment back on her) as the reason for not sharing your news.

Something similar happened to me. After my miscarriage I was a mess. I ended up pregnant again and was a nervous wreck. The day I delivered my baby girl, I called my friend/carpool person and she told me 'congrats! by the way, I myself am 4 months pregnant. I didn't want to steal your thunder!'. What? I felt so bad. Here she had been keeping a secret from me that I would've been totally happy for her about.

Hi L.,

I, too, am sorry for your previous losses, and I hope you have the opportunity to truly enjoy this pregnancy.

Sometimes, things shake out for the best. I think you have had a lot of good advice here. Friendships require mutual give and take, or they simply aren't healthy. Friends do sometimes say hard things to each other, and it's a good friend who knows when she has said the wrong thing and needs to apologize. I've done it more than once, and it was a humiliating and horrible experience to have to bring up the stupid thing that came out of my mouth, accept responsibility, to verbally acknowledge that what I said was hurtful and how sorry I was. But-- I still have those friends because I did. And hopefully, it taught me to be more thoughtful before opening my mouth.

My husband once advised me in a similar situation (when I'd been wronged) not to call the person-- to let them figure it out on their own and let their actions be my guide. This would be my advice to you. I lost a friend shortly after having my son-- she was very jealous of my situation (we'd both had previous miscarriages; I am in a good long-term relationship, she wasn't, etc.) . While I was sad that she didn't want to hang out, I was also relieved to not feel guilty when I was around her. So, there is a silver lining...

None of us know her intentions for sure with a statement like that. But if she is a reasonable person, and I assume she is if she is a long time friend, all she was saying is, at least you are able to get pregnant. Which of corse is the major hurdle. She's just acknowledging that you are past a major hurdle that she is not. She is just saying your chances of having a child are better than hers. I see no problem with this. I don't mean to be insensitive, I my self have had three miscarriages. Only your husband can really be there during your grieving process. But you may be reading into it too far. Her wording choice was poor, but I don't see a reason to be offended or hurt. And my goodness the people who jump to conclusion on here because they think they are reincarnations of Dr. Phil. Please!

Ummm...truthfully, I wouldn't be giving her the time of day after a comment like that.
Her comment was just so messed up on so many levels, I can't even begin to dissect it here. I'm sorry it caused you a minute of guilt, then a year of anger.
She's pathetic and leads a thoroughly pathetic life, most likely.
Some people are like that about SAYING THINGS ALOUD that they should KEEP IN THEIR HEAD--we call that "No Filter."
Hopefully, she learns eventually, that it's not all about her.

I've never experienced either side of this so I'm sorry if I step on toes, but this is the way I see it as an outsider.

Your friend said something really, really disgusting to you. I can't imagine that struggling with fertility would be anywhere CLOSE to actually losing a child you are carrying. When you are struggling to be fertile, you are wanting something you don't have. When you have a miscarriage, you actually LOSE THE LIFE of your own child whom you've already grown to love. There's a huge difference here. I'm not saying that struggling to conceive is anyone's happy place, but...not the same.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, my prayers for you and your family, and I might suggest that you and your friend distance yourselves from one another. It might just be too touchy for the two of you to be friends at this point.

Her remark was in bad taste for sure, but I don't think it was meant to deeply hurt you, honestly.
She sounds like she has her own issues.
Our relationships with friends ebb and tide as we get older, married, working, having kids or not having them, etc.
Friends come and go, some serve a purpose for a short time and some stay with us forever.
You just have to evaluate what you get out of this friendship and evaluate what good you give to her.
If it's sort of fizzled, just let it go and move on.
You are not obligated by any means to share with her that you are pregnant again. It might be hurtful to her, and then if you miscarry again it will only cause you more resentment towards her.
I'd say she's a friend that is on her way out, she's not a supportive friend, and isn't that really what friendship is all about, support?

CONGRATS on your pregnancy! Prayers that all goes well this time!

I did suffer infertility, but never had a miscarriage. So, I do understand where your friend is coming from...she's not necessarily jealous of your lost child, but of the fact that you got pregnant. NO, she shouldn't hold any of that against, but understand that you are grieving also. I can't imagine how painful it must be. I know many who have been there and only know how much they hurt...but I remember (and please don't think ill of me) wishing I had had a miscarriage, only to know I could get pregnant. Of course, now, many years later, I feel so blessed I did NOT have to experience that. And I never told someone who had lost a child "at least you were pregnant."

Understand that she is grieving too and as many have suggested, give yourself some distance from her right now. You need to be strong for you and not worry about apologizing to her for your grief.

And I have to agree w/ Angel (I think it was her) who said it was in God's plan as to WHEN my babies came...after all we went through, I got pregnant ON MY OWN and then again when my daughter was only 6 months old and both were healthy, perfect babies! Now 12 1/2 and 13 1/2!!!! (they are only 14 months apart.)

So, if you are meant to tell her, the time will present itself. Best of luck!

.

I cannot imagine this scenario. I have had issues with infertility. I have had a miscarriage, & almost miscarried with my 3 pregnancies. I have also lost my daughter during her 2nd heart surgery.

When I read the title to your post, my eyes blinked in shock. I shook my head, read it again, & just sat back. I cannot imagine ever, ever being jealous of a miscarriage. To know that it is a loss of life....& to be jealous of that loss (sigh). Oh, what evil we can allow ourselves to feel.

Please, please distance yourself from this woman.....she is struggling with the loss of her soul, & has the ability to lash out at others. You deserve better. Say a prayer for her & move on......

Okay, she has always been this way.
There is nothing you can expect, from her.
She is really toxic.
If that were me, I would not have a friend like that.
I would not, have a friend like that.

When a friend, affects your life, in a detrimental way... then it is time to reevaluate that. And outgrow it, or perpetually be in a dysfunctional and immature, friendship.

A friend, is not someone who will drag you down.

This post reminds me of the saying "if all of our troubles were hung on the line you would take yours and I would take mine". Personally, I don't think I would have handled infertility well at all. Although I think it was very insensitive of your friend to say that to you I would just have to chalk it up to her not thinking. I remember when I miscarried being so sad but grateful that I was able to get pregnant.
I miscarried before I had other children too so I know how painful it is. My third child passed away at only 17 days old. People have made many insensitive remarks to me but I think everyone of those hurtful comments had good intentions behind it so I try not to dwell on it.
Your friend perhaps is unable to be a friend at this point in time because of her jealousy. I suspect there is really nothing you can do about that but be there as much as you can for her as she goes through her difficult time as you too try cope with absolutely devastating losses.
Prayers to you for a healthy child.

It's interesting to see the various answers and having been lucky enough to not have either issues, I'm not the best person to answer. But I noticed you said she said this to you after your first miscarriage. At that point, if it was early, maybe it didn't seem so bad to her in comparison as not being able to get pregnant at all. As someone else said, she may have phrased it horribly but more meant she was jealous you could get pregnant. Wrong to say bc of course you were sad. So stupid but also, she didn't know you'd have a second miscarriage. I consider myself very sensitive and a good friend. I obsess over things most people don't in my effort to be considerate. I cry at Hallmark commercials or if I read a newspaper story about a child who died. But - and I'm sorry this is going to sound insensitive - I've never understood the agony of a miscarriage. If it's far along I understand or if someone is having troubles carrying and has miscarried several times I definitely see the pain in that. But I know people who had early miscarriages and honestly didn't seem all that upset unless it was an ongoing issue. So yes, she was insensitive and if you want to cross her off your list, that's totally up to you. I get incredibly upset about slights that other people think are no big deal. We all have different pressure points. But this one thing in isolation if she's a good friend otherwise, I don't think is necessarily unforgiveable. It sounds like it's not in isolation though so maybe she's just not worth it. What she said was stupid and wrong and someday she may cringe when all this is behind her and she has been able to conceive and have children. But right now she may be in major despair. Congratulations and I hope this pregnancy goes smoothly.

Life is too short. Life is too hard. You need friends that love and support you. She doesn't sound like she adds to the equation. What does she bring to the relationship? She may be perfectly nice and just have some growing up to do. But that's not what you need in your life. Take her out of the friend box and put her in the aquaintance box.

Honestly, she doesn't sound like a friend. I think for your own piece of mind, that letting go of this person and distancing yourself is a smart thing to do. You don't need a jealous, insensitive person as a friend, and if she's always like this, it's not worth it. You don't have to be mean about it, just let the "friendship" drift away from not making a purposeful effort of doing anything with it/her.

Hugs to you in this tough time and best of luck with everything!

I realize her comment hurt you, but consider the possibility that her comment really had nothing to do with you at all.

I was the girl who only dated a couple of guys, and I had friends who seemed like the always had a boyfriend. When one of them would break up and be really upset, I tried to be supportive but really I was thinking, "At least you had a boyfriend." But that thought wasn't really about them at all. It was about me and how I felt about myself: unattractive, undesirable, probably be alone forever, no one wants me.

More than likely, she's just really frustrated and angry and scared that she might never have a baby. She is probably just not in a place where she can be there for you.

How do you talk to her about a future pregnancy? Well, you might just have to give her a chance to talk about what she's going through. And really listen to her. At some point, remind her that you are still trying and hope that you will get pregnant again and will carry the baby to term. Hopefully just saying that much will give her a chance to respond. If you have a few conversations with her, you'll get a better sense of whether or not she can handle the news when it does happen.

She's really going through something difficult. Try to remember that this isn't necessarily about you or her not wanting to support you. She really might be doing the best she can with what she has.

Oh dear, the girl needs some major help.

Question is, do you have the strength to help her?

Perhaps helping her would help YOU cope better with your own struggles?

I dunno the answer. Your post sounds like it's written with sincerity and genuine concern for your friend. Clearly you have a large capacity to give since you haven't dissed her already.

Too bad you can't BOTH lean on each other through your struggles, huh?

:)

Decide whether she has enough good qualities to keep her as a friend. If she does have enough good qualities, and you keep her as a friend, ignore her bad qualities. If you need to talk to someone about your miscarriages, choose a different friend to talk to about that subject.

Sorry about your miscarriages.

Relationships change. You can be friends, but you may or may not be the friends you once were. That's okay. Life brings change. Maybe it is okay she is distancing herself as you may need the same distance yourself. You may come back together later... if you want that. You do not have to accept her terms to the friendship. You have a say too. It's okay either way. Just try and go with what feels right.

Wow, she sounds so unbelievably selfish. She was jealous you lost a child? She needs to get her head together and tell that stuff to God and let him fix her. I am just almost hurt for you, that is awful. I am so sorry that you have experienced the loss of two pregnancies and so happy you are about to get into you 2nd trimester!! :) I don't know that she is a friend that you want to keep close, if it were me I would put some distance between me and her. Her thinking is jacked up and jealousy is an awful element in friendship, zaps it every time. Wish you the best :)

Forgive her for your sake, just as much as hers. But that doesn't mean you need to be friends with her again. Maybe take a break from your friendship for a while. You don't need that kind of emotional baggage to carry around.

I am so sorry for your lose first of all!! As for your "friend" she does not seem like much of a friend to me. You really need to decide weather the friendship is worth saving. If not you need to cute ties with her. She should not make your miscarriage about her.

Good luck and God Bless!

She can say that because she's never suffered through a miscarriage, combined with the fact that she's a selfish person who is obviously comparing her life to others. Having said that, I have dealt with both infertility and miscarriages, and have often said that it would have been a lot easier to never get pregnant than to lose multiple babies.

My condolences to you on your miscarriages. That was me last year. Miscarriage, pregnant again, mother died, miscarriage. All within 6 months. Yes, it was a bad year.

I agree with Dawn. I would not bother with her anymore. Just don't contact her. And if and when she contacts you after she hears you either are pregnant or delivered, then just say something like, "well, it seemed like our friendship was hurt by my miscarriages and your infertility so I felt like it was better that we not continue on that road any further". Leave it at that.

And best wishes for this baby for you! =)

I can only say that I wish you the best with your pregnancy.

Oh MY that is not a stable normal statement. She must really be messed up about this infertility, I know it can effect people in horrible ways and if she was undergoing fertility treatment, taking drugs, those things can make people nuts. I've experienced co workers go bonkers when taking drugs to get pregnant.
It's WONDERFUL that you are pregnant! Congrats! Do Not go out of your way to tell her! She will clearly be unable to be happy for you. Let her distance herself it will be healthier for her.

There was a time when my husband and I thought we had infertility issues. Turns out it was all in God's timing and having the patience and faith to let him be the one in control. Nobody but God can truly explain why infertility or miscarriage happens. Doctors can give it their best guess to explain it, but it still doesn't take away the hurt and frustration for either situations. I don't believe in the "it's better to have loved and lost than never loved at all". Losing human life sucks all the way around and what your friend said was totally inappropriate and not supportive of what you need right now at all. Imagine if she would have said that to someone that lost a young child or even a grown child for that matter? Who wants to hear that in their time of mourning?? Umm...hello? Can she stop being selfish for a moment and think about someone else's grieving heart instead? Sure she is hurting from her own struggles with fertility, but for goodness sake that doesn't exempt her from being sympathetic towards others. We all have hurts in one form or another. We need to treat people tenderly to get through it. One would think she WOULD be more empathetic based on having infertility issues as well. Having said that, perhaps her words were just coming out of pent-up frustration about infertility issues you both struggle with and she really didn't mean to hurt your feelings.You sound like a sensible, mature person that has the capacity to forgive. However, I agree with Dawn, it does not mean you have to put up with this sort of insensitivity if she has a history of being this way. Some friendships endure over time, but it is because both friends work at supporting and caring for each other, not keeping score for this and that. I am so sorry for your loss. I truly believe your babies are in heaven and you will one day get to meet them-and that you will also get to enjoy the pleasure of mommyhood, whether through natural means or adoption. In the mean time, just give all of this to God. He knows your heart and will work your situation out at some point. God Bless.
A.

That's almost unbelievable. I wouldn't stay friends with her. No way. If you wanted to try to make things better you can but otherwise just don't.
Good luck with everything.

She doesn't sound like a very mature or supportive friend. What she said was out of line, insensitive, and selfish. I wouldn't stay friends with someone like that.

First, I am sorry about your miscarriages. I am also sorry about your friendship. It sounds like it may be time to reevaluate this one. A friend is someone who is there for you, regardless of what is going in her life, at the time. You need people around you who can be happy with you and for you...and can share your grief, even when it overlaps her own.

Unfortunately, I went through this with my "best" friend of over a decade. We'd been through so much together, and it saddens me that we are no longer close to enjoy those years of memories. However, I am a happier person overall, because I am not longer routinely disappointed and saddened by her reactions, comments, distancing etc. I had been forgiving her over and over, but I am glad I finally took responsibility for "letting" this person treat me that way, and made some changes so that we are no longer close enough for her get to me in that way.

One thing I hadn't anticipated was that as soon as I opened that "space" in my life, I had time to invest in a new, wonderfully supportive, dynamic friendship that I probably would have overlooked, had I still been wrapped up in the drama of the other one.

Good luck with your pregnancy!

in a few short words, your "friend" is a jealous, immature, potential nutjob.. i would add more adjectives but my toddler ran off with my reading glasses, distance yourself from her and you will find your life, and hopefully your pregnancy much easier, any one who tells you they are jealous of your miscarriage has more issues then jeffrey dahmers next door neighbor
K. h.

Goodness...I'm not quite sure what to say...but I too feel a compulsion much like your friend's jealousy, but it's more a desire to control situatitons.I'm pissed that my body wouldn't do what I wanted it to. I always thoutht I was right. I struggled with infertility, but I would never minimize a friend's pain regarding miscarriage. So, you need to grow a spine and tell her how she's being self centered. Really, infertility sucks--but it's nothing compared to losing a child.