Pregnant and Friends Are Jealous So Scared to Share the News

Hi N.,

I am a mom (through fertility) who knows first hand how it feels to have your friends be pregnant all around me & not be able to be pregnant myself. Regardless of how tough your pregnancy may be on your 'friends' - they should support you, be happy for you & positive! True friends are not jealous of your beautiful child! This is not on you, it's on them - if they are true friends they will be happy & loving & supportive of you, not mean & jealous. Tell them the truth and let it go - if they can't be happy for you, etc. then that is their issue, not yours. Also, do you really want to surround yourself with people who would be so selfish as to wish their trials on you? From a mom who knows how it feels to be on the other end, I have never, ever once wished anything but love, support and positive joy for my friends who very easily become pregnant. God blesses us each with our own gifts and it's up to them to discover what their's are - with or without children. You don't need the stress being pregnant so let them know & let it go!

Good luck & remember your true friends will be truly happy for you.
J. ;)

Hi N.,

I think that, like you said, you are adding unnecessary stress to yourself. If they are really your friends they will be happy for you.

I think it is natural to be a bit apprehensive given the scenario you describe. But hiding the fact that you are pregnant from them won't change the fact, or likely even their reaction. It sounds liek not telling them is causing you stress, which you don't need.

If you are far enough along that you are visibly showing, it is probably best to tell each one on one in a casual setting. I would imagine this is the time when "less is more". Don't try to guess how she will feel, and preempt it as you might not be right, or she might not want to admit it. Something simple such as "I wanted to let you know that my husband and I are expecting in XXX." She what she says and follow her lead. If she pulls away from you for a while, that may be what she needs to cope, so try not to take it personally.

Good luck with your pregnancy!

Sorry to say, looks like these people are not real friends if they get "jealous." That is so high-school! True friends do not judge, put each other down, or make each other feel bad. True friends cherish each other's good news and support each other during bad times. They walk together, through good and bad, never one in front, or the other behind. A true friend (who is suffering fertility problems) in this case, will probably be sad, but nevertheless still very supportive and happy for you. Not spiteful, jealous, and giving out 'bad vibes.' Now that is what you call a friend?

I'd tell them the truth, because it will come out eventually. If they start to act negatively, then steer clear away from them, and find or hang out with REAL friends who will not put you down or make you feel guilty over something so trivial.

Good luck..

Hello N.,

This is such a blessing for you, your husband, and your family please don't let anyone rain on your parade. Don't try and hide your growing baby anymore. Be completely honest with them ASAP. If they aren't supportive and happy for you then they have a problem. This is such a special time for you you should be enjoying it.
Hope this helps, M. P.

N.,
This is tough. I have many friends who, like myself, have gone through months and months of fertility treatments. When I was finally successful, what worked for me is that I would share my news after the first trimester. After all, if they are good friends, they will find out, and best if it comes from you. And, they may choose, like a couple of my friends who were having difficulty conceiving, to separate themselves. One has since had a child and she and I have resumed our friendship. The other one I don't hear from, and my husband is upset with her. I am not though. This is such a personal and sensitive subject and everyone deals with it differently that I believe you must respect how your friends choose to handle the news. I hope that helps.

I agree with many postings. Having been on both sides: be completely honest about why you haven't told them yet (ie you don't want them to feel hurt/sad) and tell them soon. My vote is face to face, because over the phone things can be misinterpreted. It may hurt them for a moment or 2, but you can't control how they will feel. Give them their space if they need it, but also don't be constantly apologetic either. This is a joyous time, a blessing for certain, and you should be true to yourself and your feelings. BTW you are SO NOT NEUROTIC, you are a very sensitive friend! Congrats and best wishes for a smooth pregnancy!!!!!!!

N.,
First, congrats on your pregnancy. That is great.
I have been in a situation like this, when I was pregnant with my first child and single. my friend and coteacher at a daycare was trying to get pregnant for years and never could. Well, she told me that morning she was pregnant, and that afternoon I found out I was, but she started spotting. I felt horrible. She was married and trying and having trouble and here I was single and pregnant. Well she lost the baby. I did wait a few days to tell her, but I did and she was so happy for me, and did want to help me and was very happy I trusted our friendship enough to tell her. i was so scared to tell her and worried, but it all worked out. And now, I have 3 kids and she has none. Unfortunately, she found out that she could not have kids at all. She could not carry them because of some kind of chromosone thing and her husband would not adopt at all or anything else. I would tell them. You may be surprised. And you know, if they are true friends, then they will accept it, even if it might be hard for them at first.
S. Bailey CLD
Aurora
www.tendermomentsdoula.com

I am currently in this situation with 2 very good friends. One of those friends actually lost her baby 3 days after birth and the other friend can concieve but has miscarried 3 times in the last year and a half. I am 38 weeks pregnant. I am very careful about what I say to both of them but they both love me and I love them and they would never ever be outright jealous or nasty and I would never have hidden my pregnancy from either of them. These are two people I care very much about and I hate to see them hurting and I know that my pregnancy and the pregnancy of others is not easy for them but for them not to be happy for me on the other side of it is unthinkable. I would not be able to consider them friends. That doesn't mean that at least one of them won't have a difficult time after I have my baby and may not come visit right away etc but I would expect that and just like I know they would both be very happy for me, I would be very tactful towards them when discussing my pregnancy/birth. I think good friends deserve mutual respect. If they would actually be outright jealous of you and it could cause a rift in the friendship, maybe the friendship itself should be rethought. Congrats on your pregnancy and don't think about this one minute longer. Those who really love you and care about you will be thrilled for you regardless of their situation.

N. - congrats on your great news!
I have to agree with Deb C as I have been on both sides of this. I struggled with fertility problems after a miscarriage 2 years ago, and through surgery and IUI finally became pregnant and now have a 5 month old little boy. During this time, and just after my miscarriage, my brother told me that his wife was pregnant, and although I was very upset for myself I was happy for him. It took me a while to get to the point where I could talk to him and be excited about the baby. I distanced myself from him, and anything to do with the baby's arrival. Now, I am on the other side, as a very good girlfriend of mine who started fertility treatments before me and is still trying to get pregnant. We were very very close, and when I became pregnant I shared my news after the 13th week, and then I very gently broke the news to her. She was happy for us, but distanced herself from me, which I completely understood and appreciated. Now, we only speak if I call her, she has yet to come by and see my little boy - BUT I am patient and understand that if and when she is ready, we will resume our friendship. Right now, she knows that I am routing for her, and I know that she truly is happy for me, but wants/needs to keep her distance just a little.

Congratulations on being pregnant again. I had a very difficult time conceiving and alot of complications after the delivery of our daughter. Due to that, we tentatively agreed to stop at one (but I have started considering having a 2nd again). Anyway, the reason I say all this is because, for awhile, I was the friend who was having difficulty. Yes, it was hard to hear friends were getting pregnant (and now are getting pregnant a 2nd time), but of course I was always happy for them! If they are your good friends, they will understand that you have a different situation than they do and should be happy for you. However, I would tell them individually instead of notifying them in a group situation, etc. I'm sure they will respect you more for wanting to share your exciting news in a way that is extremely considerate for their feelings! Good luck!

Hi N..
Congrats on your pregnancy. All I can say is if they are truly your friend they will be happy for you. If they are not, let them be jealous and walk away. I lost twins at 21 weeks 3 years ago and then had a miscarriage 10 months later. Those were my first 2 pregnancies. This past October I was blessed with a happy, healthy baby girl. In that 3 yr span I went to many baby showers and while it was hard on me emotionally at times, I was so happy for the mothers to be. There is a support group called SHARE, at many local hospitals. Maybe your friends need some additional support to help them get thru their pain. My husband and I went to one meeting right after the twins died and it helped us just to know there are many others out there that feel the same pain. I think you need to give them a chance to show their true colors. If they find out when you send birth announcements, then I think they would be hurt and then you haven't given them the chance to be (or not) a true friend to you. Put the ball in their court. Hopefully the result will be LOVE. (OK, bad pun) Anyway, good luck to you and your family.

N.,
I understand your fear thru friends. What that means is that I struggled for over 10 years to get pregnant. (I now have a beautiful 3 year old girl). Since I was 36 when I finally did get pregnant most of my friends had already been having kids for years. I can honestly say that jealousy is very normal. I can also say that not once was I angry. I truely loved and enjoyed my girlfriends pregnancies. Because they were such an important part of my life I shared in their joy and was happy for them. I lived by the saying that I once heard that carried me thru. "God never says no, he says "yes, not right now and I have something else in mind for you".
If your friends are good friends they will only share feelings of happiness with you.
You may not realize it but worrying about thier reactions or feelings and trying to hide your pregnancy is adding more stress to your life and pregnancy then you think.
Put it out there, let them get used to it and be greatful for your blessing.
They will be fine.
Oh, and congratulations!

P.

The first time I got pregnant, the pregnancy failed to progress around 7 weeks as we never found the heartbeat. Unbeknownst to me, one of my co-workers and good friends conceived around the same time as I did. She knew that I had been trying for about two years to get pregnant, so she didn't say a word about her pregnancy because she was afraid of how I would react.

I found out she was pregnant because she's a VERY fit person who trains for marathons, and I noticed that not only had she stopped training but she started to get a tiny pooch in her abdominal area. I just asked her straight up "don't take this the wrong way, but you look pregnant - are you?" (I would never ask this of anyone except a good friend). She said yes then explained to me that she was hesitant to say anything because she didn't want to hurt my feelings.

Never for one minute was I sad or jealous. I was so totally happy for my friend who would be adding to her family. Yes, I was heartbroken because of my loss but never directed any of that towards her. My point being - you never know how they might react. In my case, I knew how difficult it had been to get pregnant so I was able to be extremely happy for my friend despite my loss. If they react any other way (publicly, toward you) then perhaps they're not really true friends.

Congratulations!!!

I am someone who suffers from fertility issues. We are able to conceive with help of a fertility DR but the road is not easy. I am happy for any of my friends who get pregnant. It may make me feel a little sorry for myself cause it does not happen that easy for me. But I would never do anything to take away the joy from them. They will be happy for you but find it a little hard celebrate your pregnancy at first.

I was in a similar situation when I was first pregnant. Close friends of ours had been trying to conceive for a year when they found out that she had endometriosis and their chances of having a baby got a lot slimmer. I was uncomfortable sharing our news with them because I didn't want to make them feel bad, but ended up waiting so long that I think I actually hurt their feelings because we *didn't* tell them I was pregnant until it was so obvious. No matter what our friends' situations are, they are our friends and will be happy for us. Finding out that they were in the dark when everyone else knows you're pregnant could very possibly be the thing to damage your friendship - secrets hurt. I think you need to tell them, but sensitively, and although they'll probably initially be envious, they'll get past it. But be prepared, I think, for your friends to withdraw or be a little hurt for a while. It sounds like they're going through hard times. Congratulations to you and to your friends, I say don't despair - our friends ended up having a beautiful baby girl :)

Nicely said Deb C! N D...Wow, a little rough!

I've never been pg but have twins via donor egg & a WONDERFUL GESTATIONAL SURROGATE & a loving supportive husband!

Infertility is very hard to accept & if you have never walked the path be gentle to your friends that are facing this issue! Tell them right away but be prepared for your relationship to take a step backwards.

It's not that infertile women are not happy for our pg friends, we just want to be pg too! We want to feel & share the experience with other Moms. What fun it would have been for me to complain & talk to my friends about the heartburn, swollen ankles, dr. appointments & u/s visits! It's a story I'll never get to tell.

Trust me, your friends are very happy for you but your life is changing & they just want thier lives to change with you.

Good luck & congrats! Thank you for considering your friends feelings. You are a special person & they are lucky to have you in their lives!

L.

I have had 2 consecutive miscarriages (no living children yet) and am currently pregnant a 3rd time. Although I can and will not say that I can relate to those who are struggling with infertility (not being able to conceive or have children at all), my friend who has been struggling with infertility told me that she was "jealous that I got to have a miscarriage" after the first one. My initial reaction was to feel guilty for being sad that I had one, minimized my own pain and apologized to her for being insensitive to her situation when sharing about mine. But then, I realized later during my grieving process that I was hurt and shocked by her comment. Now I am not sure how to process or respond. That being said, I can also relate to being jealous of others being pregnant with no problems when I was grieving my miscarriages. I had one friend who I think after seeing my situation, sped up the process of trying to get pregnant herself. She then said she would be envious if another friend of hers got pregnant first, before her. But of course she ended up being pregnant first, right away, is about to give birth, and the other friend she was so worried about getting pregnant first is not even pregnant yet. Sigh.

Please please please do not consider them "not real friends" if they're jealous. Infertility affects different people in different ways. Some of the people I've come into contact with who experienced this appeared to easily accept it and move on with their lives. Others, like me, were completely distraught. For me it was a life-changing experience, the worst in my entire life. And yes, it was very, very hard when everyone around me was getting pregnant and I was not.

I think it's very compassionate of you to be concerned about your friends' feelings. My advice, having gone through this, is to tell them immediately, as soon as possible. The worst thing to me was when people treated me like they felt sorry for me and like I was somehow damaged goods. "Oh, poor D., I can't tell HER I'm pregnant." So please please tell them right away. I would suggest telling them by phone so that they have some space to deal with the news without having to worry about your feelings. And please don't be offended if they don't jump for joy for you. I'm sure there are lots of people in your life who are thrilled for you. These two might just need a little room to accept the news and move forward. It's not wrong for you to say, "I understand that this news might be difficult for you to hear. I wish that we were going through pregnancy together, and I look forward to the day that you can share news of a pregnancy with me." Now that I have my three kids, I feel like I have good perspective on this issue, but then again, every woman is different. I hope they'll be able to find space in their hearts to have joy for you.

So congratulations! I'm very happy for you! I hope that you have an easy pregnancy. Just remember to tell these friends right away. The longer you keep it from them, the harder it's going to be for all of you.

Hi N.,

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I now can happily say that I have a wonderful baby, but a few years ago it seemed like everyone I knew was getting pregnant and I was having trouble. One of my friends didn't tell me she was pregnant until she was 7 months pregnant because she was afraid she would hurt my feelings. But it hurt my feelings more to have been left out of the majority of her pregnancy. Sure, I wished I could have a baby too, and a couple of years later I did, but it would have brought me joy to share in the pregnancy with her. Please tell your friends. Even though they may feel sad for themselves, they would feel worse if you kept it from them.

Good luck!
L.

Hi N.:

I think you should be honest with your friends about expecting a baby. I can understand this is not an easy time for you or your friends. You have to do everything you can to stay stress free but I think if your friends are really your friends all of you can work through this together. You cannot stop them from feeling what they are going to feel about your pregnancy but if your honest with them now it will help in the long run. I believe they would feel worse if you do not tell them and they find out on their own or worse yet when you start to show. Sit them down and just be honest. No one knows why some women can get pregnant and some cannot, but I think it would be cruel if you do not tell them the truth now before your pregnancy becomes very obvious. That is of course if you actually care about your friendship with these ladies. I'm sorry if I sound harse but I think it's only right to be honest with them, at least that way your'e not carrying any extra baggage than you have to. Take care and best wishes on your pregnancy.

I was in a similiar situation. My advice... tell your friend and if you can phone call or face-to-face (towards end of face-to-face) is better. Just simply state that you have some news and you are expecting and due in MONTH. And just leave it at that. And simply don't talk about your pregnancy unless she brings it up to you (and then gauge how much you should talk about). If she is a good and true friend she will be happy for you and sooner rather than later ask the good stuff... how you are feeling/etc. By saying something "it will happen for you soon" or "felt bad telling you" only makes her feel worse probably. So I recommend simply stating and wait for her lead. Good luck. If she is a true friend she will find it in her heart to be happy for you and continue to be a good friend to you.

N.,

Well, I've been on the other side. I had 2 m/c before we had our son in June 2005. People were getting pregnant all around me and as much as it did hurt to see/know this, I would never think to not be happy for my friends. Never. I'm not saying that it didn't make me a little jealous or upset. Of course it did. But, that was my personal feeling and I never could imagine taking it out on them and their blessing.

Personally, I think it would have been more hurtful if I felt that my friends were hiding their happiness from me. I would have felt left out and that would have hurt.

I think you should tell your friends, gently.

One piece of advice...before I even wanted a baby, my friend was trying for a couple of years without success. At the same time, two other friends were pregnant with their first. Unpregnant friend was happy for them and supportive (went to the baby showers, sent them congratulation cards, etc) BUT it was difficult for her at times because it was ALL that they talked about when they talked to her.

I don't feel that you should have to walk on eggshells around people that are you friends, but I would just be aware of their feelings...as you obviously already are.

Congrats on the pregnancy and good luck!

T.

You've received some good advice already, but I just wanted to comment that I think you should give your friends the space to decide how close they want to be during this time. They may need to be at a distance for a while, which I think is fine - friendships adapt.

It seems like you're giving yourself stress by imagining the worst. It would be unkind to, say, ask one of them to host a baby shower for you, but totally hiding your pregnancy seems awfully far to the extreme other direction! Why not react to their actual reactions after they've had a chance to react?

Please give your friends the benefit of the doubt. I've been in both places and though I felt jealous for a split second after hearing a friend's good news, I realized quickly that it wasn't about me at all. And it had nothing to do with my situation.

If your friends are mature adults, then they will also be happy for you even if they have to privately be sad for themselves.

Hi N.,

I can offer you a bit of perspective from someone on the other side. I have a son (2 yrs old), but had 2 miscarriages before him and 3 since.I am now 42 yrs old, and trying IVF in the hopes of having one more child - but not yet successful. You are right that it may be painful for your friends given that they can't conceive; however, if they are really your friends they will be joyful for you, regardless. I think it will be more uncomfortable if you don't tell them, and they "discover" it or feel like you were hiding it. I have had 3 friends conceive during the time of my recent miscarriages, and I am really glad that they knew I'd be happy for them even though things are not working for me.

I think you also said that they do have children and are trying for more...for me personnally, that made a huge difference...having one wonderful child helps ease the pain of not having more.

Good luck.

Hi N.,

I went through this with my first child and my best friend. She had been trying for 3 years and I had been trying for 7 months when I got pg. The hardest thing I ever had to do was call her and tell her. I agree with the previous poster who said a phone call is better than face to face. Later she told me that as soon as I hung up she cried for an hour. But in the end she was very happy for me. Luckily in her case she got pregnant 3 months later so we were able to share the experience together. But she was unable to have any more children and I went on to have two more. Our friendship is different but still good. To not tell them would be worse and potentially more harmful to the friendship in the long run. Congratulations and good luck!!