Am I Wrong? - Forney,TX

Let me start with how sorry I am to hear about your difficulties. I hear real ache, resentment, and fear of more hurt in your description. I hope you won't interpret my advice as heartless – I can see how it might be interpreted as such by someone who is in pain. But I want to offer the possibility of a way to reduce your pain in the future over the lack of support you experience with your husband and the comments of this former friend.

Genuine feelings and needs drive virtually all of our choices. This is true for you, for your husband, and for this female friend. There's really no way around it.

Feelings are natural and spontaneous, and while they can be uncomfortable or unhappy, they are never "wrong." However, they do get translated in our complicated heads into concepts, and based on those interpretations, we tend to ascribe feelings and motives to other people based on things they said and did, usually by projecting what we would be thinking if we had behaved that way. Those translations are a major source of disagreement, argument, and hurt feelings. Sad, angry, annoyed, wary, confused or disappointed are all valid feelings. But "That was a mean/selfish/thoughtless/uncaring thing for Gertrude to do" gives rise to the possibility of endless misunderstanding and personal misery, much of it unnecessary and mistaken.

We tender, strange, and often thoughtless humans tend to believe our needs should be valid for everybody else because they are so obvious to us or so central to our identities or sense of satisfaction. But the simple truth is that we can't alway guess what other people are thinking or feeling. And we have a surprisingly hard time letting other people know what our own needs and feelings are. But I'd like to recommend a process called Non-Violent Communication (NVC) that can help you become clear about your own needs and how to express them in a way your husband can better hear them.

It can also help transform difficult relationships in other ways, by helping us to clarify and understand the needs of those people we interpret as hurtful, selfish, hateful, whatever. Sometimes they are deliberately hurtful. More often, they are just unmindful of what they are conveying, because they are wrapped up in their own concerns and fears.

If these powerful possbilities appeal to you, please google Non-Violent Communication for resources, books, videos, tips and examples, classes. While it only takes one person using this approach to make a difference, both my husband and I apply these techniques when difficult issues arise, and we are often surprised at how well we can take the sting out of problem communications.

Do not take this the wrong way, but it sounds to me like you may be jealous of her. You are mad because you consider her loss pregnancies to be of less importance than yours? She may not have been the most supportive friend after your loss, but that does not mean her loss was any less painful for her than yours was for you. And the fact that you check your husbands phone to see if they talk says to me both that you are jealous of her and that you do not trust him, and he will be able to see that as well. Do you trust your husband? Unless you suspect an affair, asking him to give up a friend (it sounds like one of his close friends at that) because you are mad at her for considering her losses as important as yours and not wanting to put her unborn baby at undue risk, is plain not fare. You can choose if you want to be mad, but it sounds more like you are simply still hurting over your loss and are jealous of her joy. If I were you I would let it go.

A note on your addition, men do not really understand what it feels like to be pregnant and hungry. Chances are he thought you were over reacting and felt bad that he had invited his friend to an event and she felt uncomfortable gong in without him. You are seeing things through your eyes only, one thing my therapist taught me was to try to look through the other persons eyes before reacting (or over reacting) to something. I would feel horribly guilty if I invited a friend to something and I knew they were standing outside waiting for me to show up.

I needed to add one more thought, and that is to trust your gut. Although I think you are overreacting about thinking she is not being sensitive enough to you, and I still think asking your hubby to end a friendship because you are mad at her is wrong, I only have just a glimpse of the info on this. If your gut is telling you that something is out of place in the relationship he has with her, if your stomach is in knots and you just feel something is wrong, trust it and act on it. Woman too often ignore their own intuition. My husband had a female friend I met once, and after some late night texts and a few too many stories involving her, I told my hubby I was uncomfortable with their closeness and asked him not to see her any more out side work (they trained together at the gym, I wanted that and the phone calls stopped). I knew in my gut something was not right. He refused, got mad I did not trust him, and made me feel guilty for my request. Later his affair with her almost ended our relationship. I think it is fine for men to have woman friends, your gut will tell you if something is really wrong.

Well after reading what you have said I kinda side with both of you. I mean don't get me wrong it sounds like this woman is not the type of person I would want to hang out with but she also has every right to be careful with this pregnancy. I mean regardless of the cause of her miscarriages she has had two and has probably suffered because of them just like you. I mean don't you think you would be worried about going into someones home if the situation was reversed? You would do everything in your power to make sure your kept that baby as I'm sure she is doing. Now with that said I totally agree with you deciding not to be her friend and your hubby as no reason to be talking to her at all. I think it is completely wrong once you are married to have close/one on one friendships with the opposite sex. That is border lining an emotional affair. You should sit down and talk with your hubby and explain how this whole thing has gotten out of hand and your are his wife so he needs to stop talking to her asap. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this and I am so sorry for your loss.

Well, I think it sounds best for your two families to no longer be friends. Your husband should support you on this and he really has no business being so buddy buddy with someone who his wife finds so upsetting and who doesn't seem to want to have anything to do with anyone but him. Truth be told, he probably gets an ego boost out of it.

To be fair though -she DOES have a history of miscarriages. I'm sure her loss at 2 or 3 months was just as hurtful as your ectopic loss. I'm sorry that happened to you, but if you are suicidal over it or felt that way, perhaps you should speak to a therapist. Also, a chemical miscarriage is STILL a miscarriage! And the MRSA thing is scary. I would really have to think long and hard about exposing myself or my child to that. Sometimes it kills people! I think she's been callous in not asking you how you're doing and in just spitting out that they're not coming because your family has had MRSA -she could have been FAR more tactful, but I also think your feelings are a bit on edge.

Like I said in the beginning -sounds like you all just need to call it quits -and that certainly includes your husband and her.

I just want to put this gently. You are over reacting to the whole MRSA thing. If it were me, and newly pregnant I would want to stay away as well. It's highly contractable, and its a health risk (i have been in the medical field for 9 years and know universal precautions and I still contracted MRSA). So its understandable that she would not want to attend. As far as her being insensitive to you about her miscarriages you sound like you are doing the same thing (maybe your just venting I don't know). A miscarriage is a miscarriage, and it doesnt matter if it was the day she found out, or at 3 months along or 2 weeks. Honestly it sounds like this last encounter with her was just icing on the cake. Your issues with her run deeper then just insensitivity and missing a party. it sounds as though this friend wa syour husbands first or maybe they just connected more so then you and her did. If you feel its an inappropriate relationship you need to really discuss it with your husband, and if he is unwilling to change it then you need to make what decision you feel is best. To be honest I have a great male friend (who I have had before my boyfriend) and we discuss our sex life, family life, work life, etc, but he is also respects me and has a great friendship with my boyfriend, and I have a great friendship with his wife. I think you need to do some thinking about what to do about their friendship and how its affecting you and your family. I also think you need to take time for yourself and deal with your recent losses. I am not trying to be rude or slam you in anyway, and I am sorry for your loss. Good Luck in your situation.

Hmmm...well....I think that maybe you're being a bit hard on her in the aspect of the miscarriages. She does have a history of miscarriages, as she's had two as have you. Honestly, I think you're still grieving and dealing with your loss. I would really encourage you to see someone about your grief. Sometimes we can't process it the right way and it comes out in the wrong ways. I really think if the shoe was on the other foot, you wouldn't be attending her child's party for the exact same reasons.

Now, as to the issue with her and your husband...it's weird. If my husband were that close to another woman I would so NOT be happy about it. The talking and texting all the time is just strange. I'm sure he wouldn't like it if you were discussing the intimate details of your life with another man.

I think it would be best for your entire family to make a clean break with her and her family. You shouldn't be obligated to go to her baby shower. Your son is too young to be a play mate for her son anyway. The only thing holding your families together is her (inappropriate) friendship with your husband. I say it's time he kicks her to the curb and has intimate phone and text conversations with YOU, not her.

Best of luck to you!

she sounds like a threat. he'd only act like that if they had a history. if he cares more about u and your life together, he needs to completely cut her out. and if she cant respect u for that, then she is no good. them discussing her women issues is inappropriate, and unless he plans to service her neeeds he doesnt need to concern himself. i cut my man off from doing that.

I'm don't actually want to be that gentle with you. You are making a big drama out of this. You are also being unfair. You can NOT say that someone's miscarriage was because of poor eating. A chemical pregnancy is just as devastating as your ectopic pregnancy and she absolutely DOES have a history of miscarriage. It sounds to me that you are the one that's being very disrespectful and yes wrong.

I know you're hurting. I have had 3 miscarriages, so I know that pain. I also know that it makes a woman hyper sensitive to anything dealing with pregnancy or a baby....I think you're being very sensitive. From your post, I could infer that this woman was trying to be upfront and honest about her reason for not attending the party. Would it have been better had she just blown you off and not responded...or lied to you?
Not sure about your husband putting her "first" over you, as you didn't elaborate on the examples of that.
It seems his friendship with this woman is causing you stress and I think he needs to respect that, at the very least.
But I do think that knowingly avoiding her and not attending her events is being petty. You don't have t be pals with her, but if she is and will remain friends with your husband, sometimes you need to take the high road. It seems like you've asked him to cut off this friendship but he hasn't. ???

was she insensitive to your miscarriage?
i don't think so. perhaps she could of said something thoughtful to you, but what you wrote about her saying she had a miscarriage history, is just that. a miscarriage history, that she's worried about. You are in your world and she's not in it is all.

MRSA? we had MRSA too. you can get this stuff to put up your nose and wash your butt for everyone is the house and it kills it. so she's over reacting. you can tell her (not really tell her) that most MRSA is caught in hospitals and retirement centers, where does she plan on having her baby? ha. but either way, she's over reacting but its her right. at least she's being honest. sounds like she may need some education. but its her right.

the only thing that concerns me is you feel the conversations between the 2 may be inappropriate. i'd address that w/your husband otherwise i just think she's a worried concerned mother, that maybe could of paid you more attention to how you were feeling; but she also may of not known what it meant to you either

Whether you are right or wrong about the problems you are having with this other lady really don't make a difference. The bottom line is when you are married you have to trust and respect your spouse. If you have a problem with him being friends with this woman then he should respect that. There is no gray area here. You respect your spouse in any situation. Putting all the other details aside I would be upset just with the texting and phone conversations, the rest are just extra reasons of why you don't like her.

well. If you dont want to be friends w/ her that is fine, it is your opinion and how you feel and no one can say you are wrong. if she is upsetting you and causing you stress then you should end the friendship. and your husband should totally support you bc that is what you would hopefully do for him. w/ that being said I do think that she is also entiled to her opinion and if she does not want to risk anything bc she is preggo that is her right. As you know lossing a baby is hard weither it is one or two or ten and if she thinks that she has a history now bc she lost one then that is how she feels. I am sure that was very hard on her also (as you) and that she wants to be super careful as you might want to be too if you were preggo. I wish you luck in having a baby and remember who you are friends w/ is your own personal right so.....you decide.

I think her not wanting to be around because of the MRSA is acceptable. My family has had it too...it is a serious issue.

However, I think your husband is way out of line! He shouldn't be having these types of conversations with her or any woman other than you. And leaving you and your unborn baby starving because "he had to walk her in" is pathetic. I hope I'm wrong but it sounds like something is going on between them. Maybe they have had a past together that he isn't talking about or perhaps something more recently. Maybe counseling would help-at least to get him to understand how upset you are over this (and rightfully so).

I'd be very cautious of this woman. I wish I had more advise but that is what comes to mind.