Stopping MIL from Visiting When Husband Wants Her To

I wouldn't refuse to allow her to come. However I would have a long talk with hubby and let him know if she is disrespectful to me or my kids in my home I expect her to move to a hotel - and I expect HIM to be the one to tell her that she has to leave because of the way she is treating his family.

Nasty Mother-in Law...I guess that's how they got the reputation. Unfortunately...I don't see anyway of getting out of this visit...I just don't. :(I couldn't stand mine either...but she never came and stayed over night....thank the MAN above!

Decision has already been made. You agreed. Tickets were bought. You're stuck.
So, now she's coming, but that doesn't mean you have to just deal with it. When your in-laws upset you, your husband should know to stand up for you and your daughter. If he won't, you will have to do it yourself. Stand up to her one good time. Then invite her into the kitchen to help cook or something else to be inclusive. That's the way a lot of mils are. They want to see you are not weak and are capable of standing up for yourself.

I don't think you can refuse to let her come. What you can do is refuse to let her mistreat you or you child. Tell you husband that you realize she is his mother and the grandmother of you child. He may be used to and ok with being mistreated but you and your child will not be. Tell him that you are willing to overlook her not being "warm and fuzzy" but if she crosses a line with being mean or nasty, you expect him to speak up but if he does not, you will. After that, a repeat will cause you to take your child into another room or result in you asking her to leave until she can act like a reasonable guest.

No matter how horrible you think she is, that is his mother. As long as he wants a relationship with her, and wants her to visit and have a relationship with his kids, I would support it. It is ok to demand respect, but I don't think it is ever fair to ask someone to give up their family just because you don't care for them. Asking a man to choose between his wife and his mom can most certainly cause friction and resentment in a relationship. I mean, think about it, what if he came to you and said he did not like your mother and she could not longer visit or be in your families life?

I wouldn't refuse, but I would call her on EVERY little innapropriate thing she says.

I would not go against my husband. Two weeks is not worth difficulty in your relationship with him. If he wanted his mother to visit I would talk with him about her behavior and ask for help in handling it.

If possible I would reserve her a hotel/motel room so that everyone can have a break part of the time.

I would plan ways to get away from her before it got to be too much. Do you have a friend or relative you could visit for a couple of hours from time to time?

I read some who said to teach your daughter to say things such as "that's not nice." I suggest that you do not do that. It will open her up for more criticism. Grandma will tell her she's rude. "Children are not to criticize adults." tho. of course she feels she can judge others.

Instead I would teach her a more effective way of dealing with bullies. Have her leave the room. One doesn't have to say something to stand up for themselves. Leaving the bullies presence not only protects one from further bullying words but also gives the message, I will not be abused.

No, I would let her come. You are in a tough situation. My mom went through a weird thing where she was really mean to my son. We invited her to come help out with him and stay with him when I was due for a c-section when our daughter was born. I had to be at the hospital 4 days. My husband could go back and forth and we thought she would be a big help with always having someone with our son and she could take him to some of his regular activities. He was 5 and had just started Kindergarten. So, I guess my son got upset w grandma one night bc she was not letting him do what he wanted or bc she was doing something differently than we did. He was rude and said mean things to her (once I was home and got the story from them I made him apologize). I am sure he said I don't like you anymore Nana! Or you are not my friend! Or whatever goofy things he used to say at 5 when he was upset. Well, she took it very personally and the entire rest of her visit (2weeks) she was completely rude to him. She kept saying things to him to make him cry. She kept saying he hurt HER feelings. She took a 5 year old's bad behavior personally. She was soooo immature about it. For the next year she was weird about things...on the phone would only give her love to my daughter...that kind of thing. I finally got upset about it and fed up and told her to stop and she cut me out of her life for about 2 months...not long but long enough to make me realize I cannot rationally talk to her about her emotions. It is all about HER. It is all about her feelings. In her mind she was right this whole time and I was rude and mean to her. I gave up. I just came to the big realization that my mom is a basket case. Anyway, maybe your MIL is similar. My mom stresses out easily and is anxious about things. She dislikes her own life greatly and is pretty miserable day to day in life. She is depressed off and on. She has no good friends. No one really wants to be her friend after they get to know her bc it is all about her. I would prep your daughter by telling her that her grandma is a grouchy old lady and she is so old she cannot help but say mean things sometimes. Tell her most old grandma and grandpas are perfectly nice but some can be mean and grouchy. It is like their minds are not all there anymore and they cannot help it. Tell her that his grandma might say mean things and he can just come tell you and ignore her if she does that. Stick up for her right away if you are there when she says something mean. Remind Grandma over and over that we do not talk that way in this house and what she just said hurts others feelings. The rule in your house is to never hurt other people's feelings. I'm sorry!!! I hope that it goes better than you think it will. If not, schedule lots of playdates for your daughter at her friend's houses and take her out to do things away from grandma. And be sure to talk to your husband and have him totally back you up.

I went back to read your other posting so that I would know what you're talking about.

First, next time, don't agree to 2 weeks. 1 week is the longest guests ever need to stay unless they are coming from another country. I have a great relationship with my parents, and 2 weeks would wear me out. Just say no! But since it's too late for that now...

Whether you put your foot down about your MIL coming or not should depend on how much damage she actually does. If she's unpleasant and you hate having her there, but she comes rarely and it's important to your husband, then you let her come. Teaching your daughter how to deal with bullies is an important lesson, even if she is a little young to be learning it. Give your daughter a couple of good responses to say to Granny, such as "That's not a nice thing to say," or even, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I'm sure you can come up with your own, too, and do as much as you can to keep your daughter from ever being alone in a room with Granny, even if that means she is in the kitchen with you while you cook.

But if Granny says things to your daughter that change your daughter's opinion of herself, or you can see that the things she is doing is causing lasting damage, that's a different story. Your first responsibility is to protect your daughter, whether or not it puts your marriage at risk. I have had two friends who had to stop and say, "No, that person can't come in my house." One had the support of her husband, and the other is now divorced. But both did what they needed to do to protect their children. If your husband doesn't support excluding her from your home, encourage him to to see her alone, or even, if you have to, get a hotel room for you and your daughter and visit with Granny only when you can be there to supervise. But I very much hope it doesn't come to that.

Good luck.

Ur in a hard spot, i read ur other post and i feel sorry for you and ur daughter. My inlaws are from Ireland so when they visit its always for a month even tho they have a good heart by week one im ready to pull my hair out. When my son was born and they came down my MIL was trying to butt in the way i burped my son and after several times i finally put my foot down and said this is how I do it and this is the way it will be done by me and it shut her up. I wouldnt deny ur husband from having his mom come over after all it is his mom the woman who raised him but even tho she is a very mean woman. I would try to plan as many trips outta the house w ur daughter spend lots of movie dates and long grocery shopping trips w her to get outta the house. The less time around her the better and hopefully the two weeks will fly by. Be sure and take ur daughter to see ur family if they r in town several days since it is the holidays. good luck if all else fails put the ole witch in her place lol

I agree with MaryMOMMA.. Your MIL is always going to be your childs Grandmother. Your child will begin to understand that "Grandma" Just ain't right, but we just smile and are polite to her.

My Grandmother B, my fathers mom, was kind of like this.. She was raised in a pretty tough house hold and this is how "her people" were". They kind of teased each other, put each other down, but in their regular voices, so you did not hear the irony or teasing in their voices.

My other grandmother S was super sweet all lovey dovey.. But as a child, I just loved them anyway. Some how I just accepted that Grandma B was that way to everyone, so it was just her.. It had nothing to do with the rest of us.

Give your child credit to be able to figure this out. I know you are not used to this and it freaks you out and makes you mead, but you can just say things like, Bless Grandmas heart, she just does not know we do not talk like that. We just need to let Grandma have some time to herself. Grandma seems confused. You get the drift..

I feel for you.. I no longer speak to my MIL.. But for all of the 18 years our daughter was growing up, I never let on I had a problem with her grandmother.. And guess what? Our daughter told me she knew and understood what was going on the whole time. She still loves her grandmother, but really does not respect her. It is my MIL loss.

I am sending you strength.. Good time to stock the bar so you can get through those weeks.. Offer MIL lots of cocktails.. Maybe she will sleep a lot.

Sorry this is your husband's mother so you can't "refuse" her to come. Now, you can hold her accountable for her actions and maybe you piss her off so much she doesn't want to come back! Win/Win!!! :)

It's one thing to say mean and nasty things to me, but to my kids, ah NO! If she says something to your daughter, turn and say "I'm sure I didn't hear you right, you certainly didn't just call your granddaughter horrible, did you"? You aren't being mean, just asking a question. Puts her on the defense and having to defend herself. Look at it as a sport.

Plan a lot of outings with just your daughter.
Try to keep your daughter on the opposite side of the room.
Watch LOTS of movies for LOTS of quiet time. She can't offend you if she's not speaking!

I will probably get a lot of thumbs downs and crabby responses. Everyone reacts this way when someone is mean to there children. However, she is your husbands, mother. While he does not find anything wrong with her behavior, it is just how it is with his home. That doesnt mean he doesnt like it or it made him a bad person. Obviously it wasnt SO bad it turned him into a complete monster, because you did marry him and love him right? So with that said, you mention she is NOT American? you say International but not really what kind. It will depend on her cultural upbringing as to what is acceptable and not as far as granny-ing is concerned. Some cultures the grandparents are the corner stone of a family and need to be utterly respected no matter HOW grumpy they are. They are the wisdom and future. She might just be this way because that is what she thinks is needed. She may feel what she is doing is teaching, and not being mean. Is your husband fat? is he overweight? she might be stating the obvious when she mentioned his crumbs on his shirt. She could use more tact in her reproach on her way of saying things to your daughter, but did you think your daughter hurt her feet and she was afraid of it happening again and didnt want to upset you in that way? By your description and small amount of it you didnt seem to give her any respect or guidance as to things for her to do or help with.. Grandmas at that age need to feel needed and respected. If they dont they get cranky. I dont deny that she seems a bit short tempered. I dont know her enough to say she is mean. There is probably a lot more there than your telling me, but by what you described if that was the only thing she did I wouldnt really call it that mean but typical cranky elderly behavior. I married a man from India. If you know anything about there culture and marital/family set up its would just blow your mind. The innuendo's the constant berating, and if you are good girl you take it and dont say anything or suffer the wrath and blacklist from the entire family. While my FIL is pretty cool, and not so stuffy and stuck in cultural bias, his mother makes up for it in drama, crazy, whacky behavior. The good part about it? The culture adores and worships kids. While she is at my throat 24/7 about every little thing, she is a absolute angel to my kids, however she is NEVER shy to scold my kids if they are being too naughty. As long as she doesnt out right beat them I am ok with it, cause just her yelling shrilly in Oriya is enough to scare the socks of anyone including her own son! Think 2 week is too long? try 5 months. yep 5 months his parents stayed with us to "help" us with our 3rd born. I cried most days cause I am American (Caucasian, just another stick for her to beat me with) an complete obtuse to her needs and demands, and it doesnt help that she doesnt speak English and I dont speak Oriya, and we both have limited abilities at Hindi.

The only way you will know if your husband will have problems with that is if you DEMAND that she not come. Maybe you can talk to him and say, "look I know you love your mom, but her culture and behavior is unacceptable by me, and I am not willing to put up with that. What do you think we should do." I am not say he is the dominant one here, but if you pit your husband against his mom that is just not cool and lots of hurt feelings all around. I am sure he doesnt give you ultimatums with your mom and I can bet he doesnt like a lot of what she does either. Its a union, a cooperation. He needs to be more a part of this than it sounds like he is. Again I dont know your situation enough but just going by observation. I know I wouldnt like my kids talked to in a snotty or nasty way but I do appreciate it when people take some initiative to help my kids have a better understanding of peoples behaviors and ways.

It would cause issues.. because after all - this is HIS MOTHER. If he felt the same about your Mother, you'd be angry if he wouldn't allow her to come and visit if the shoe was on the other foot.

Having said that and reading your other post about how nasty mean she is... simply - FROM THE START OF HER VISIT - you nip ANY rude/nasty/mean thing she says in the bud... pronto. Don't even allow it to get into her regular habit while in your home. She complains to you or husband/her son about it - stand your ground and tell her that her toxic choices in conversation will not be tolerated.

We always invited guests when my MIL came for a visit. If we had someone else at the dinner table then she felt the need to be on her best behavior. Even if your MIL doesn't behave, at least you'll have a friend there for support.
Play Christmas music often. It covers the sound of nasty comments so your 3YO might be able to miss some of them, and it lightens the mood.
We also found it helpful to take the family to a kid-friendly movie. My MIL didn't want to move around much, but she would do this with the kids. Movies have the added advantage of no-talking time and then you have a safe topic of discussion once they are over. Get out of the house whenever you can. Go to a park even if you have to bundle up and only stay for 1/2 hour. Take a drive to look at the Christmas lights. Do anything to distract the whole family.
Serve dinner early. Evenings are tough enough without everyone getting cranky when they are hungry. And be sure to let your MIL know about the family schedule, maybe even put a calendar on the fridge, because grandparents often feel confused by the apparent chaos of life with small children.
It may be too late for my last suggestion, but I'd say 2 weeks is too long. Even my favorite realtives want to go home after 7-10 days in a house with small children :)
If you drink, a glass of wine might help in the evening. I always stopped with one because I was afraid of what I might say after 2 or more!! Good luck!

Hi, Mom:

First let me say, alot of people do not know how to
hold a person accountable for his/her behavior
affecting him/her. They just avoid the situation. Avoidance on the
Compass of Shame is one way to deal with shame issues.

Secondly, we are taught to be kind, stuff our feelings, and turn the other cheek. With that being said, when we do hold people accounable for how we feel, they may come back on us as an attack and reject us. Some will apologize and the relationship will be restored.

Most people would avoid the situation, yes, because they don't know how to ask for what they need from the other person.

Thanks for asking.
D.

www.iirp.edu

No, I wouldn't refuse the visit if my husband wanted his mother with us. In our household, I'm usually the one reminding him that he needs to call or see his mom. We get along fairly well, but two weeks is a long time. Make sure to plan things to do while she's in town!

I just read your original post... definitely get her a hotel room. You will all need some time apart each day. I'm sure she would be much more comfortable with a quiet place to sleep each night and a warm continental breakfast. Make it your present from your husband to you!

I think you have to let her come b/c yes, it will cause problems with your husband if you don't. That said, you need to calmly talk to your husband about her behavior and he needs to back you up - you are his wife!!!! The time to cut the apron strings has long since passed and he needs to man up. I do agree with the suggestion about a hotel. Is there one really close by? If so, I would book her a room there even if you have to pay for it yourself. I would just sweetly say, "you always seem so uncomfortable when you stay here; I thought a hotel would make you more comfortable."