Toddler Attachment to Mil--looking for Guidance...

I think you need to address your MIL's actions/reactions to your child as they occur. And, I think you need to be sure to pick your battles too.

At the restuarant, I support you in your desire to keep him in his highchair. This is correct and safest in this environment and also leads to teaching good manners. I think you did good to remove him and calm him down, but, I think you needed to say something to your MIL like...

"I'd appreciate your support in teaching Son, that a highchair is the correct place for him to sit in at a restuarant. Worrying about his reaction will not assist me. Would you like to sit next to him? When he tries to get up, I would appreciate it if you would correct him and ask him to sit back down."

I think something along these lines during the other situations (even at home), would be helpful. Practice it a few times and have it ready to go. Be sure to state what your goals for your son are and how she could help support his development and the reinforcement of your rules, etc.

Good luck. This could be hard for a while.
~C.

it would be nice if she would work with you on it a bit, but overall i don't think it's disturbing. he loves his granny a lot, and she adores him. she holds him, and he loves to be held by her. she kisses him excessively. maybe she smells irresistible to him.
she's a bit of a silly granny, maybe, (the tears and hand-wringing at the table would make me roll my eyes) but really, what's the harm? he's a tiny. he's not even 2. would it really ruin his development to sit on granny's lap in the restaurant?
if he's still doing this at 7, i'll be with you. but for now i'd swallow my jealousy (and good for you for recognizing this!) and let them love each other without limits. she only sees him a few hours week.
khairete
S.

I think it will work itself out as he gets older and independence is more important to him. Especially since they spend a limited amount of time together, I don't think a couple hours a week is going to really do any harm. I totally know where you're coming from, I really do (super-doting spoiling in-laws who don't follow our rules, buy our kids tons of stuff although we're pretty unmaterialistic people, etc), and yes, it's annoying. For my kids, my father-in-law is the magnet. When he's around, my husband and I might as well take a hike because we are off the kids' radar. But over time I've gotten used to it and try not to let it bother me too much. Your little boy knows exactly who mommy is--you are the one who is there every day. You are the healthy balanced meal! Your mother-in-law is the pint of Ben and Jerry's--an occasional treat but you don't want it every minute of every day no matter how much you love it when it's there. Please don't let this drive you crazy, it just is what it is.

Sounds like the bigger problem is your MIL's attachment to him! If she would stop the hovering behavior, his behavior would improve. He's too young to reason with so you must have a talk with her. I would also suggest that if she doesn't immediately start trying to work on this with you, you limit her visits until you can get a handle on it (if she doesn't do what you are asking, no more 2-3 hour visits especially alone).

If is not fair to you or to your son that your rules and his behavior go out the window in her presence. She can help prevent this so if she is so concerned about him being upset, she needs to do something about it.

I am all for fostering the relationship but it really doesn't sound healthy for either one of them. Don't be jealous, they are supposed to bond with grandparents but work on correcting the behavior (not the attachment).

This attachment wont last forever, so keep that in mind. Your son will change when he gets more mature.
You might need to just rethink all of it and allow the relationship to continue as it is and realize that its pretty facinating. Much better than the alternative where your child doesnt want to be around anyone at all.
You probably should have just said "Well Grandma, I guess you are getting a kiddo on you lap for dinner tonight." Smiled and handed him over.
It's temporary, keeping that in mind should help you get through it.

I've lived this situation and it's horrible - it goes way beyond the "doting grandparent" routine. It played a role in the demise of my first marriage, and I still see the effects of it to this day (child is 16). The good news is my child does think for himself, and that helps (he's an amazing kid). I sense that he's quite capable of seeing things for what they are.

I don't say this lightly - is it possible for you to move geographically far away so it's not so easy to see them? I wouldn't say to cut them out of your life - just to cut down opportunities for these issues to arise.

Please take control of your family. You and your husband need to be a united front, and that includes against his mother. Do it in a nice, never hostile way, but DO IT! Please don't let this continue.

Sorry for the dramatic response to your post but it really struck a chord with me, having been there and done that.

PS: If you're working he's even more vulnerable to the shenanigans - been there and done that too.

PSS: I do believe that grandparent relationships are to be treasured - they are very special. And through the years I've come to realize that I should treat MIL's the way I want to be treated when I'm an MIL. That being said, when I was a very young new wife and mom - my MILs actions in this dept hurt me so much. Instead of taking control in a mature way - I blew up at her which made everything way worse. That's why I urge you AND YOUR HUSBAND to decide how you will handle this and then stick with it in a calm, mature, "we are the boss" manner. It's actually better if it comes from your husband.

I think the less attention you spend on this issue the sooner it will blow over. If he only sees her for a few hours a weeks, by G let her run after him all she wants and read a book, take a nice long bath and use that time to do something for yourself. She will not spoil him in two hours... let them both enjoy each other. It will probably just be a few months before he an all-grown-up pre-schooler and won't be so cuddly any longer.
Ask your mil to be on your side with what is allowed and what not at your home, but other than that just let it go.

My daughter had something like this with one of my friends. Even though we don't see her often, when we see her my daughter will totally ignore me and is only eyes and ears for Mrs. D. After the occasional babysitting at her house(where she will be the best behaved little girl EVER), sometimes she even told me she wanted to stay at Mrs. D house rather than come home (though she did offer for me to take home my friends baby instead :). Talk about heartbreaking! Now she has pretty much grown out of it, she still loves Mrs. D, but it's not THAT special any more.

Good luck.

I have to say that I disagree with the others who say that this is 'normal' grandma behavior.... Yes, some grandparents do spoil, but this goes beyond that.

It's time to get new daycare, and to limit the interactions with grandma. It is also time to sit down with your DH and address this.... he may not want or may not see it as a problem, unfortunately, so it may still fall on you. If you think your DH won't understand or see the issue, maybe take a camera and videotape it surreptiously (sp). But you should try to limit the interactions, and even those interactions she has, you should be supervising, if at all possible. And try to lay down some ground rules about behavior & expectations. Maybe you can even invite her to a pediatric check-up, if you check w/ the pediatrician first, and get the pediatrician to chip in on healthy interactions (your ped. may or may not want to do this.... :). And if MIL breaks the rules, then you need to end the visit, either temporarily or for an extended period. This will let both your MIL and your son know that if the rules get broken, the fun ends....

I absolutely, completely, unequivocally, and totally agree with Angela S. And no one can possibly understand unless they have lived it.

Your story is so similar to my son's attatchment to my MIL, that it's scary. And the source of that attachment finally came to the surface a couple of years ago. My MIL would finally admitted that she thought we were "too young" to parent on our own (we were 24 and 25 when our son was born!!!!!!) and she felt she needed to step in and "help". She would gush about our amazing parenting skills and then undermine us horribly.

We put a stop to it and now our son has a healthy relationship with her. You NEED BOUNDARIES. I feel the need to shout it to the world! :) It's not healthy to have that kind of co dependent relationship.
Find a way to stop it now. My son was always very affectionate to me, UNLESS my MIL was around. Then he would treat me hatefully. It was so hard to experience. When we would go to my inlaws, he would glare at me and say "Get out!", when he was only 2 years old!

Intervene when she is exhibiting her lavish behavior. Don't allow it, you and your husband need to let her know that you will leave if she can't control herself.
Limit your time with her. Instead of every week, make it every 2-3 weeks. We had to stay away from my inlaws for 6 months -TWO separate times, until they could learn how to respect our family's boundaries. We had many more issues than what I have written about, but it was a symptom of a toxic relationship.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are a good mama and only want your son to have healthy relationships. That's GOOD!

I think I'm the grandma in this situation. One of my step-grandchildren formed this kind of attachment to me and it wasn't that I saw her that often as they lived in a different state and I saw her once a month for a few days when she was young - even less as she grew older, she is a teenager now. Her parents were admittedly jealous of her relationship with me. And I was admittedly thrilled that she loved me so much. But it caused a lot of strain in the relationship with the parents who would literally punish her for things like wanting to sit next to me at dinner and that would upset me greatly (I wasn't wringing my hands and crying, but really it was heart wrenching when the only thing the child has done is to say they want to sit by you.) None of the other grandchildren have or have had this relationship with me so I don't think it resulted from over spoiling or coddling on my part or bad parenting on their part. It just was what it was. Maybe we knew each other in a former life. Please don't let yourself be so disturbed about it - it's not a reflection on you and your son loves you very much and he will always be your son and he will see less and less of grandma as he gets older. Sometimes special relationships happen. Just like we can meet friends where something just "clicks". Relax and let them enjoy each other and revel in the beautiful mystery of it.

Suz T. gave you some really good advice.
It sounds a bit over-the-top on her part (tears & hand-wringing) but kids bond with who they do. My SF had that kind of bond with my son at that age (SF has since passed away) but I remember him actually trying to "hide" a bit at family functions just so someone else could get a little lovin'.

Examine exactly WHY this attachment to your MIL has this effect on you.

And I think it's OK for a 20 mo old to sit on grandma's lap for dinner (if she's willing) but she could also respect your wishes as his mother. Are the lines getting blurred?

He will grow out of it, although they will still have a special relationship.

My SD lived with her dad and Grandma until she was six. Grandma was like the surrogate mom since her bio mom wasn't in the picture much. She even started calling Grandma "Mom" which was really weird! When Dad moved away with daughter, Grandma acted like someone took HER daughter away and DEMANDED to see her overnight every week. It was a crazy time. Grandma always gives SD whatever she wants.

My SD is 9 now and while Grandma and her still have a special relationship, Grandma was able to see how her reactions were over the top and she did start to see that SD was becoming a "brat" from all the spoiling at her house. SD is normally well behaved but would regress to pouting and all the kid stuff when she didn't get her way from Grandma. They both see each other a lot less now and are both okay with it. SD has her friends and her life. I'm glad they have a special relationship and that she was there to be a mom figure when she needed it most.

SD did say once she wanted to live at Grandma's because she "hated the rules at our house." Then she went on a week vacation with Grandma, who couldn't spoil her the whole vacation! Grandma threw her hands up at her behavior by the third night and SD has never wanted to live at Grandma's since!

They will both find their way. It'll be fine!

My daughter is 3....She is extremely attached to my mother (Her Bella) to the point that I, and everyone else, become second fiddle when they are together. It bothered me (jealousy) at first, but then I realized that it was, in fact, healthy for my child to develop a bond and attachment with someone other than her father and I.....

My mother is not as extreme as your MIL (crying, wringing hands), but she hates to hear my daughter fuss and often offers cuddle time and extra goodies rather than reprimanding and punishment. If I feel my daughter is acting completely out of sorts and a time out or talking to is needed, I step in and take over and then let my mother continue with the spoil fest once my daughter has figured out how to rejoin us.

My mother already raised two children and she was a REALLY good mom. She put a fear in us that is still there today. I knew what I could and could not do from a very early age and I knew respect, hard work, and how to be a good citizen. Now, that is my job with my own.....Her job is to be the spoiler and to shower the grands with love, treats and more while she can. My grandmother and grandfather did the same for us! As we got older, my grandparents would take on a disciplinarian role that struck enough fear in us to realize they meant business, but we still knew that a punishment would usually be followed by many treats unlike at home. :)

My point is: Your MIL is doing what a grandparent does.....There may be some behaviors that are a bit extreme and you have a right as the parent to address some of them with her; however, you need to realize that you should not take away her right to shower your son with affection, treats, etc.....She won't be around forever, let them both create warm memories and a bond that your son will carry with him when she is gone. I'm thankful for all I have to grasp ahold of now that my grandparents are gone. My grandmother passed almost 2 years ago and my grandfather suffers from severe dementia...All I have are the memories of the wet kisses, warm hugs and spoilings that I would give millions to have again.......Just my thoughts......

Ah, my son used to tell me that although he loved me, he loved MawMaw just a little bit more. LOL Of course he did, when he was at her house he was on vacation from my rules. :)

I say let it be, let your MIL, his GRANDMOTHER, spoil him to her heart's content when they are together. After all, it is only for a little while. Take the other Mom's advice and let her chase after him and sit and read a book. I think the bond between a Grandmother and Grandchild is incredible special, let them enjoy it.

Good Luck and God Bless

Grandparents are supposed to have a special relationship with their grandchildren and I think you should encourage it. The situation would bother me far more if she was with him several days out of the week, or spent more time with him then you do. He will outgrow it. Trying to interfere in their relationship could cause relationship problems with you and your son, and with your MIL.

I'm not trying to criticize your feelings. I would be (and have been ) very jealous of the situation as well. I would discuss with your MIL that you are the Mom, and she needs to respect your decisions (like at dinner). I would also tell her that you would appreciate that she not get emotional like that in front of your son again, because you don't feel comfortable with it and it makes it harder for you to parent. Otherwise, it will pass. Let their relationship grow. It just should not interfere with your parenting.

Your son knews he can get what he wants from your MIL. She is being a grandmother, wanting to give him all the attention and love that she can because she only sees him 2-3 hours a week. Honestly to me it is not all bad, kids should love spending time with the grandparents. Imagine yourself only have 2-3 hrs a week with your baby/toddler, what would you do? I bet you would love, cuddle, give whatever they want because your try to squish all your love into a small timeframe. Now you can talk to MIL or may have hubby do it (if you guys have the same thoughts about this) on lighting up a little and not give her grandson everything he wants and respect & support your rules when at your home and out and about.

My daughter loves her grandma but I have noticed around age 3 she would go to anyone giving her attention and no longer had that one person only attachment. So he may out grow it, but it is also good to have your ground rules. At the grandparents really it is the grandparents rules, unless it will phyiscally or emotionaly hurt the child. When at your house, or out and about it is your rules as the parent that should stand true and others have to respect them.

At a restuarnt our rule is no walking or running around, must be seated, facing the table. We do allow for our daughter to sit on our lap or relatives lap if they/child are done eating, I see nothing wrong with that. At age 4 1/2 years old my daughter usually always sit like a lady, once in a blue moon she will ask to sit on someone's lap and usually that is because she is getting tired.

Ah yes - The GRANDMOTHER. Some grandparents spoil the kids rotten. And when they are not caring for a child in lieu of daycare, and it is occasional, we just bear with it. I was spoiled by my grandma and then a grandma was on-hand to spoil the next generation. The problem really occurs when the kid spends days with the grandparents who are helping raise them, and the grandparents continue to act like... ummm... spoiling grandparents. Usually though, the children do learn that regardless of the rules (or lack there-of) with grandma, rules DO apply elsewhere and with everyone else.

As for attachment with grandparents - YES! Most psychologists will tell you this is a very good thing. But I know of cases where it can be destructive to the child. Usually it is really good for the child to have this other bond, and it isn't good for them or us to be jealous of it. Once in a while though, when it is detrimental to the child, we do have to step in and intervene. That is sad, though, when that is necessary.

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Just wondering how your situation is going an if it was solved as I am currently dealing with something similar except I LIVE with my inlaws!! Lovely people but it tears my heart into shreds when my 27month old cries and whines for my MIL as she trays him as yours did..except it's EVERY single day!! My husband doesn't get it and we have countless arguments when there's a bad day...I'm
Actually losing sleep over it now..

As a first step can you explain to her that 1. you appreciate her and that she loves your son and he loves her. 2. However, love also means setting boundaries for the kids that are in the best interest of the child... At this age he is starting to test boundaries and she needs to be consistent on the big ones with you and your husband (decide w/ him what those are). When she gives in to his whining and crying she is NOT helping him. Give her examples and then give her a chance. IF she CANNOT follow those boundaries, she will have to spend some time with out him for a while. AGAIN it's for his own good. I'd try to talk w/ her about this... and then take it from there. As others have said, make sure you and your husband are on the same page... Good luck!

This is not normal grandmother behavior. Her constant attention to him is not healthy for him. Undermining you and your husband's parenting is not healthy. The sooner you establish and enforce the boundaries the better. Your son is responding normally to all this attention. The problem is your MIL. Children would eat candy, soda, cake, etc all day every day if we let them. It's our job to rein them in for their own good because they don't know any better. I wish you luck with this.