Mother in Law Meddling

Trust me, I am in the SAME boat! My MIL sells Reliv and all I hear about every time they get an antibiotic for an ear infection or some tylenol for a fever is how wonderful Reliv is and how it would heal their bodies faster than the antibiotics. Well, I did research and the first two ingredients are soy and chalk--no joke! I am not feeding my kids CHALK (the baby eats enough of her sisters' chalk herself LOL).

For a LONG time, I was too shy to stand up for myself. Then I realized, it's not me I have to stand up for, it's my kids. YOU are her mom. God placed her in YOUR arms, not hers! Tell her that "Mama B" confuses your daughter and find another solution to that mess. It may not be "grandma" but it can't be Mama or a deritive. Tell her you came from a public school and you're just fine (if you did, that is) and that you trust your parenting skills and your daughter's intelligence will be an asset in her school days and she'll come out to be a lovely young lady. Say "Thank you for being concerned about her but we are making decisions that are the best for her and for us as a family."
As for being a bad mother , I get that all the time,too and I am a stay at home mom!! We're never perfect for the MIL. It's an unfortunate side effect of marriage. When she says it again, say "I know I am a good mom because....." and give several reasons. It's good for your soul to remind yourself of these things from time to time anyway! My kids are smart beautiful healthy well-mannered compassionate generous...these things don't come from bad parenting! Working doesn't mean you're a bad mom..your daughter gains a lot from seeing you work--work ethics, dedication, reliability, and whatever the qualities are for your specific job!

If she continues still, have your husband deal with her. She is his mom. My hubby had to finally step in on my behalf and stand up for me.

Good luck!

Good Morning T., Time for the Man you dearly love to step up and get His Mom's attention. I sincerely hope he is not agreeing with her.

You don't have to deal with her He does though. To criticize you for your little girls lack of total potty training is Bah HumBUG, disrespectful to you and your husband. You work to help your family, you do what you must or can to give her the things she needs.

I would go out and enrol your little one in any type of dance, gymnastics, music group I could find. Also he should tell her we will call you Grams, grandmother, dear dear, Nana, Grannie, you choose, cause it won't be Mama B.

We will decide if our child will be home schooled, NOT you. If she is it will be by us and no one else.
We love you, and want you in our lives, there is a BIG BUT Coming, so if you continue to berate, blame or criticize how our daughter is raised, you won't be welcome in our home for a while. I love my wife, I love our child and we will do what we feel is best for you.

Let Hubby handle his Mom.. Will be so much better coming from him, and if she is as controlling or obnoxious as she sounds, she will get mad fume and not bother you for a while. Of course she will blame you saying you forced him to take this stand. Let it slide....

God Bless you
K. Nana of 5
PS I didn't read other posts so will be interesting to see if others are as Ticked off for you as I am.

Dear T.,
I too, have a meddling MIL. Fortunately she lives 3 hrs away. Here's my take on your situation. First, is your spouse an only child? Why does granny focus on YOUR child? Is she the first grandchild? Perhaps granny hovered over your spouse as a child. Your spouse needs to stand up to granny, as hard as it will be, and remind her that it is YOUR child and YOU will be making life decisions for her. Granny has some control issues here. First, she's trying to make you feel guilty since your child is not potty trained. Your child will be potty trained before she starts school, so don't sweat it. I would, however, work with your child a bit harder on the weekends and I bet she'd be trained in no time at all! I would INSIST your child call granny ma-ma, gran, nana, etc. anything but MamaB. This woman is trying to bully you, BIG TIME! I won't knock home-schooling, but it's a bit early to make those decisions. Your spouse needs to grow some cahonies and tell his mom to back off! Don't tell granny but I believe theres a bit more to it than deciding she's to home-school. She has to contact the state and start filling out forms, etc. I noticed that you said granny lives far away? That's a good thing! You and the spouse need to sit down and discuss these issues. I had similar issues and my spouse was afraid to rock the boat with his mom. I had to get a bit brazen and make it clear that my child was MINE and I'd be making all the decisions in her life. Don't let this overpowering, bossy, frustrated old woman control you. You will be raising your child, not her!!!

Hi T. ~
Sounds like you are having no fun at all when grandma is around! I do agree that IT SHOULD be her sons place to tell her this is how we are doing things! However, I can speak from experience, there are men who ARE NOT going to do that! That being said, it may be up to you to take the situation firmly in hand and let your MIL know that these are the choices we are making for our daughter if you don't agree ~ that is your right, but the decision is ours not yours!! If we chose public schools, that is our choice, if she wants to do ballet, that is our decision, etc...

My MIL complained once about seeing her grandkids so often, like once a week! Well I had NO grandparents growing up and felt I really missed out!! So my husband didn't see anything wrong with the comment, however, it took her calling me and asking me was there a problem before I took our kids back around! I told her that she should appreciate her grandkids, just as they would be taught to appreciate their grandparents. Once she knew I would stand up for myself we got along fine. I have not been married to her son in over 20 years, but her and I are still good friends! There can be a positive outcome to this!!

As far as being called grandma ~ well I take it as a compliment ~ my grandkids called me grandma until my dauthers youngest son changed it to grammy when he was 2. That has stuck and they are from 11 to 5 and the other grandkids have picked up on grammy as well! I agree with the others on that one, mommy, mama, etc are not what grandma's are called so stand up for yourself and let her know that you are the Mother, Mom, Mommy, Mama, etc...she had her chance!

I wish you the best and if you need an ear feel free to email me! ____@____.com

L.

It sounds like my MIL, good thing we live so far away, I guess us T.'s have a hard time with confrontation LOL! I'm a grandma now and had a hard time at first with the grandma (my daughter was in High School when this happened, so double whammy), now I love it 9 years later! First remember this is her first experience being a grandmother and it is up to you to set limits, don't be shy about this, I know from talking to friends that even though our age increases every year most of us never feel older than 21, so we are never really sure of our roll in lives. Tell her that you respect that she would like to homeschool your daughter, you feel that she needs the competition and interaction that goes with going to school and it will be up to you as a parent to teach her to make good choices while she's young, otherwise she will not be able to make these decisions on her own when she's grown. As for the Mama issue, I had a Great-grandma that was called Mom by everyone, it was very confusing, tell MIL that she can choose any name she wants that does not designate her as a parent or you will refer to her as Mrs. ....so that your daughter is not confused as to her (MIL) role in her (daughter's)life. If you don't want to have the face to face, talk to your husband and write a letter to MIL, make sure he'll back you up later. It might be a while before she gets over it, but you are in the right here and she will just have to suck it up and take it, she really has not rights except to see your daughter to visit, she has no rights as an influence unless you let her! Good Luck, I hope you find it in you to talk to her about this, I wish I would have when I could have, but now it doesn't matter, my kids are grown and have their own kids and she lives 9 hours away.

Dear Teri L,

It's hard to raise a child today and I agree with your MIL on the subject of a public school education vs a Christian school or home schooling. But that is where our agreement ends.

No one, especially a grandmother, should ever undermine a healthy relationship of a mother with her daughter. But I disagree with your feelings that you must handle this situation.

Remember, you husband is her son and it is his responsibility to explain to her that her interference is not an acceptable behavior and if she wants to remain an active member of his family she will stop. She is never to diminish your role as mother nor should she ever be critical of the fact that circumstances require you to be employed outside of the home. He should remind her that the decision of whether you work or stay-at-home is one that you made together and is not her business.

I can tell you from experience, that it is usually extremely difficult for a son to speak to his mother about this subject but he can do it and though he is probably reluctant, he must. Be kind to him and encourage him.

L.

Daughter isn't even 3 and MIL is worried she's not fully potty trained - my girls were both just about 3 (like a month before the 3rd b-day) before they were fully potty trained. I have a simular MIL - we no longer see her and I haven't spoken to her in 2 years. Mine also has trouble with playing favorites - but that is another issue. First of all you have to have your hubby on your side. Sit down with him and list your problems, talk about them and then have him with you and sit down with the woman. Like with the name thing, fine she doesn't want to be Grandma - pick another name but nothing like Mommy or Mama - that is your name and you should own it! My cousins kids call my aunt Bebe and another one of my aunts grandkids called her Gigi. My friends kids call her mom Nonna (her name is LaDonna). We call one of my grandmothers Nanny. There are plenty of names out there that are diffrent from Grandma and Mommy. And on the school thing she has no say. That is you and your hubby. And you socialize that kid all you want - have you ever seen a kid that hasn't socialized? It itsn't pretty. She has no say in these things. My MIL just thinks that what ever my sister-in-law (her daughter) is the best. And did say something about how our neice was going to get a better education than my kids because neice goes to a Catholic school and ours go to a public. Yes Catholic schools do a wonderful job but - we are not Catholic (another sore point for my MIL - hubby became Baptist). But when it comes down to it she can't decide where your kids go to school or what activities they do. Do not let her bully you. Set up the boundries and tell her if she can't respect them then she won't see you. Get hubby on your side. But I think that once you lay down the law she will respect you more and after she get over being mad things will be better. Or you could be like me and end up not ever seeing her and doing the happy dance on the inside about it. And if you need a laugh check out a web site called motherinlawstories.com. Yours is a good one! Good luck and God Bless!!

She raised her child (children) as she saw fit and now it's your turn. If she's going to have a relationship with your daughter, it will be on your terms or not at all. You are the Mommy, and she is Grandmama, Grandma, Granny, Grans, or, if she can't behave herself, the Wicked Witch of the West. She can pick from the list but Mommy, Mom, Momma are yours. I'd spend next Christmas at Disney World and not invite Granny. I have little patience with people who don't know their place, and I inform them in no uncertain terms exactly where they can go.

T., I can't really add much to what all of the other Mom's have already said, but I am a Grandma myself, so maybe I can put a different spin on it.
I think you need to approach this from a positive aspect, "Mom I appreciate the fact that you are so interested in our little girls upbringing, and we welcome all sorts of opinions but the final decision is going to be ours". I would also come up with something different for her name...maybe "BeeBee" since it sounds like maybe her name starts with a B...since she is pushing for the Mama B. Tell her that you want her to have her own "special name" and Mama B is too confusing for your daughter. As far as the homeschooling idea...forget it, she will!! lol Don't argue with her about it, if she really starts pushing the idea, just tell her thank you for her interest but you and your husband will be making that decision. Don't alienate her, just let her know what the boundaries are, and let her know what her place in the family.
R. Ann

You need to stand your ground and your husband needs to support you. This is your child not hers. If she will not respond to you, then your husband needs to get involved, after all it is his mother.

Hi T.,

WOW!! I think some people's purpose on this earth are just to make the rest of our lives "interesting". lol

Hmmm, you definitely have a problem that needs to be addressed IMMEDIATELY!! A few questions; where is your husband in all of this? Do you and he share concerns regarding his mom? If so, has he told his mom those feelings? If he won't do it, then it may be up to you. You're the mom, not "Mama B".

Wish I had more for you. I know you're going to get more advice from mamas that have had experience and from those who have better ideas. These mamas here don't take kindly to people telling us what to do- especially with our OWN kids!! :)

Good luck and God bless you!! You're doing a wonderful job! Don't let your MIL tell you any different!! ls

PS. I have a 3-day potty training program that WORKS if you're interested. Just send me your email address, (it's in PDF file).

Sorry to hear about your MIL. I am lucky to have a good one!
Your husband needs to stand up to his mother and tell her to stop criticizing you and how you care for your daughter. She has NO right to tell you how to raise your daughter. Of course, she may give suggestions in a kind manner; however, it is ultimately up to you and your husband to decide how to raise her.
I will pray for you. Hopefully, it all will work out. Stick to your guns---she is YOUR daughter!

So what does your husband have to say about all this ? If he supports you, all her bellowing is just hot air. No need to be concerned.

On the home school issue .... it's a GREAT thing when done for the right reasons. (You don't need to be certified ..... check into people who are doing it the right way if you are interested)
Your MIL sounds so angry, that I really don't think it would be a good idea for her to home school ANYONE.

My two oldest went through public school, and yes, they got into a lot of trouble. My youngest, we pulled out of school in middle school and tried to home school. It was not the blissful experience I had hoped for. A lot of variables went into making it difficult. Too many to get into here. One good thing was that the problems we started seeing her gravitate toward, stopped. Exactly what we had hoped for. However, as soon as she was able to get out into the work force, she gravitated toward the same unsavory type of friends we had "rescued" her from in middle school.
So, we didn't stop the problems, only delayed them. Delayed problems are much more likely to be permanent, serious problems because the kids are too old to listen to you, or be controlled (over 18). They have total freedom to do as they please. No accountability at all.

My older two that went through their "issues" young ? They are straightening out and becoming healthy productive adults. The younger one ? Well, the jury is still out on that one. I just keep praying she will get her head on straight before she gets hurt.

Hope this helped you in some way.

T., it does sound like your MIL is a bit of a nightmare - believe me i have dealt with seemingly intolerable inlaw situations...your best bet, (i assume your marriage is a happy one, so for your marriage's sake) try to swallow this the best you can. she has only a fraction of the influence on your daughter that you have, you will ALWAYS be the mom regardless of what she "insists" your daughter call her.

it doesn't really compare, but i have a hard time because my inlaws are from the south, and i just can NOT get my tongue around "mawmaw" and "pawpaw" being what my inlaws want my son to call them...to be honest i feel like an ignorant redneck when i say it lol. but i do, for their sake. they are far away also, and visits are always a HUGE stresser on me. we are just very different. after 8 years being with my husband i have come to terms with the situation for the most part, but i have had to come up with some steadfast rules that were not always easy to enforce, in my case, my inlaws' home is very dirty, and i don't allow my son to go in. i'm not being paranoid or mean, it really is THAT bad. so for my son's sake i had to put my foot down. and i had to say it more than once (actually, thank heaven my husband backed me up, as yours should, and he was the one that went to his family. i believe your husband, if anything needs said, should be the one to say it. it will NEVER come across right coming from "the daughter in law".) it makes it very ackward sometimes, when we go south to visit we always have to find other accomodations, but that is their choice.

what i also wanted to say is, you are 39 years old and a first time mom. i was not 18 when i had my first, i was a more "mature" woman as well. i can tell you this - as grown women, we both should have more confidence in our parenting skills. YOU do know what is right for your daughter. more importantly, there isn't a perfect answer to every parenting question, there's only what works for you. so don't let her bully you into feeling that your choices are wrong. especially about working outside the home. it is YOUR and your family's business and no one else's.

if you approach her with respect and from a place of love (remembering your love for your husband, if nothing else, you owe it to him to have at least a tolerable relationship with his mother), but be firm on your rules for YOUR family, eventually things will smooth over. she may not like it but just like disciplining a toddler - consistence is key. she will adjust. and until then if she wants to run her mouth, just try to grin and bear it. you and i both know there's no way in heck she's going to homeschool your child. don't worry. you are in control of this situation. maybe that's part of what bothers her, you never know!

Talk with your husband (if you haven't already) about your concerns. He has to be on board with you 110%. The next time your MIL starts meddling again - tell her straight to her face in as kind of words possible that you appreciate her offer but will work out schooling details with your husband - not his mother.

I love my MIL - she's awesome with our family - but if she ever crossed that line, she would get an honest earfull from me. It happened once where she said something to our son and I said in a direct but friendly way, "I don't like that and don't want him to hear it again". Your MIL needs to know that to earn respect as Mama B - she needs to behave as Mama B - and not Mommy!

Good luck,
J

You are her mother and you and your husband decide what is best for your child. Simply learn to say NO to your MIL. If your MIL does not want to be called grandma then come up with Nana or something else but not Mama B that is too confusing and she is not your child's mama.
Your MIL lives out of town so that contact should be limited. Just say NO and you will be ok--stand your ground. Good luck.

My MIL is pretty domineering, too. Or shall I say WAS trying to control everything. She made mine and my kids lives miserable for 13 years, and my husband had no backbone to tell her to stop what she was doing/saying. She also insisted on being called "Mawmaw" and my FIL "Pawpaw". Sorry, but she's not close enough to be "Mawmaw", and my father has been "Pawpaw" since my oldest son was born and he has taken care of the kids since day 1 after maternity leave. My son, now 14, finally told her off earlier this year, and my husband stepped up to the plate to finally defend us. It also helped that I had a few choice words with her also. Things finally cooled, and we can now get along. She understands that the kids are OUR children, not hers, and our choices, while not the same she would make, are what we feel are in the best interest of our kids. Your MIL has no right to homeschool if she wants to. She has no legal guardianship over your daughter and so cannot keep you from enrolling her in a school, public or private. You need to remind her of this. In fact, she has no control over how you raise your daughter unles you let her have control. Put your foot down now and let your husband know that he needs to bakc you up. I can tell you from experience that if you do not act quickly and firmly, you will have worse problems later, and it will take a toll on your marriage. (Been to counseling, too, for the hubby with no backbone.) I wish you all the best. It is very hard to stand up to a MIL and risk her not being in your daughter's life. But the stress on you and daughter will strain the relationship anyway. Good luck. It really is not easy taking that first step, but I wish I had spoken up more almost 14 years ago. Things would not have gotten so bad. I hope it all goes well for you and your daughter. Have a great New Year!

Put your foot down let MIL know who's in charge of their granddaughters life,there is noway in hell my children will ever call a grandparent aunt cousin step-mom whoever it is mama mom mommy.She lives far away don't let her get to you

You need to have a talk with your husband about his mom. My mom was undermining my husband's authority and when she started on mine...let's just say, i kicked her out and told her that these were my children and that what me and hubby stated was law. Then she started in with grandparents rights. I basically said if she wanted rights, she would have to get in line with the kids. That was 3 years ago. Since that time, my mom has apologized to me for her behavior and has been doing a lot better on the authority portion (she did have a relapse, but i straightened that out asap).
About the school thing - i'm a blunt person, thank her for her input but that you and hubby have decided to send your daughter to school. end of discussion. do not get into a dialogue with her, nothing. that is what i did when i decided that my children would not be raised as roman catholics. it's been over 7 years now and no one will approach me about that subject (both my mom and his parents aren't happy about it - oh well).
please keep us updated on what is happening
H.

Hmmm, sounds vaguely familiar. The ONLY way you are going to resolve this is to stand up to your husband and tell him he has a choice to make. He can either a) stand by you and be your wife, or b) go live with his mother! It's simple really, when he married you he created a new life very different from his past life. He is no longer only a son, he is a husband and father. Although your MIL certainly has the right to share your husband and to offer opinions, she needs to know CLEARLY know her position is in the background, NOT the foreground.

Bottom line here is your husband created a family with you. If he's not interested in supporting it 100% then he can move back with momma! It worked for me and certainly woke my husband up! We're a much better team for it now and MIL doesn't offer me near as many suggestions as she used to...I LOVE the blissful silence!

I would certainly address some of your concerns to your husband. The whole second class citizen because of your family's blue collar work history is unacceptable! Without blue collar workers this country would NOT be what it is today! You certainly don't see a Dr. putting together a car or packing your children's books from Scholastic! Having worked the HR side of blue collar I can tell you that several years ago there was a MASS exodus of people with Masters & PhDs coming to work for my light industrial co. As a benefits trainer I asked them "why"...ironically, it was for the same reason why I stepped out of the rat race...TO GET AWAY FROM DAYTIMERS/BLACKBERRIES/SCHEDULES. They wanted to clock in and clock out and be with their families w/o phones ringing or having to travel anywhere. There is something zen about returning to a simplistic way of life. Frankly I love it! Cheers to you and your family! I know I will never look down on any of my children that decide to go blue collar (heck plumbers & electricians earn more per hour than I ever have with a degree)!

As for your child "going bad" that only happens because of bad influences and parents not enforcing discipline. Some schools are worse than others but NONE, not one of them is without problems...and that goes the same for all the homeschoolers...great, if you can homeschool but there are a lot more expenses that come with that than sending your child to school. You do the best you can and that is all you can do. I certainly wouldn't hesitate to tell her if she can't keep a civil tongue in her head then she is NOT welcomed in your home! As for the Mama B that HAS to go! Our family has a Wewa, a Nana, and a Gigi (great-grandma)...pick one (or have your daughter make up a name for her) but confusing your daughter as to who her real mother is, is unacceptable!

put it point blank and tell her off she has no right to try to raise your child. she had her chance with her kid(s). Tell her you appreciate her concerns but she is your child and you will raise her how you want to and that she is grandma not mama. If she gets to the point of threatening get a protection order. Plus get your husband to stand up to him own mother after all it is his kid too. I am a tolerant person but when it comes to my kid(s) I have told my own mother guess what you had your chance to raise your kids now its my turn to raise my own. Don't think your a bad person for having to put your foot down with family because no family is perfect.

She is your MIL, not your partner. I mean really, what is she going to do? Call the cops and say "My DIL wont let me homeschool my granddaughter"? No, she cant do anything with your child, without your consent. Tell her to put her head, where the sun dont shine.

As for your DH, I would tell him to stop acting like a mama's boy, and to man up. This is his family, and no MIL should meddle in that way. It's rude, and disresectful to you, and him.

As for schools, it doesnt matter what school your kid goes to, they are going to get into some kind of trouble. It's ignorant to blame public schools. It's your child, and who they hang with, not the school.

The man that you love dearly will have to address this issue with his mom. Until he puts his foot down nothing will change. You should have a canded conversation with your husband first and be logical not emotional. Than let him talk to his mother hopefully she will get the hint and back off. Good Luck!