MIL- Will It Ever Get Any Better?

Some get better. Some don't.
The age difference between you means she will die of old age eventually and then she won't be a problem anymore.

My friend didn't get along with her MIL at first. (I think she didn't like the age difference between my friend and her son) But now, I guess they get a long great! They've been married for 8 years.

Golly, I read the previous answers and I'm starting to feel guilty just for being a MIL!

One thing that's stressful for a MIL is that you're a mother... but then again you aren't. You have to be one, but you can't act like one. That's tough. Try it some time. Well, one day you might be in that position!

There could be light at the end of the tunnel. But you mustn't expect her to change, because you can't do anything about the way she is. My in-laws used to visit and spoil my children rotten! Many of the house rules were simply suspended. I finally said, "Kids, enjoy this... because it's back to normal once Grandma and Grandpa go home!" And it worked.

Don't expect to agree with your MIL or her to agree with you. But try to get to know where she's coming from. Ask her questions about how your husband was as a boy. Ask her what moms were told to do and not do back then. Ask her what her mother and her grandmother were like. Get some good family history (and record it if you can). Pick her brains - get her to talk about herself. You'll learn a lot about her; in addition, people love talking about themselves AND they love people who will listen to them talk about themselves.

My husband's family is, well, challenging. You could say they're dysfunctional in many ways. (Of course, MY family is PERFECT!) I finally had simply to decide to love them, to go out of my way to think of them and honor them. It didn't cost me anything, really - certainly not any self-respect. If I'm upset by some things that go on - and it happens - I can choose to be mature about it. Now that I'm a MIL, I try to do that with my children and their spouses - honor them, love them, ask them questions, treat them like real people, ask them how they're going to solve a problem before making any suggestions about it. And when I do make suggestions, I know they probably aren't going to follow up on them! That sounds like having low expectations... and maybe it is. But I'm the MIL.

What they think about me - well, I don't know. But that's not my business, actually. It's more important for me to have my mind and heart as straight as possible toward them. That's the thing I can control.

it's up to you how she makes YOU FEEL. My MIL says little weird things to me now and then, but I just laugh about them later when I tell hub what she said. She raised your husband so she cant be all that bad. I do not interfere or question anything my DIL does, it is not my place and I don't want to be a meddling MIL, I think it's just wrong. Do remember she is your childs Grandma, and Grandma's are a little kookie too sometimes ;)
It has a lot to do with the dynamic you've grown up with, if your own mom didnt like her MIL it makes you think yours is supposed to be your enemy. And maybe your MIL has had some bad experiences with other DIL's in the family and is just being cautious around you and afraid to "love" you like a daughter because she doesnt want to get hurt. Some moms have a hard time giving their sons to another woman.... and time usually fixes that if your marriage is good and you show her that you are capable of taking care of her child and her childs child. In most cases I would say "yes" the inlaw uncomfortableness fixes itself in time.

I think I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL. We're not best friends (can't imagine going on a shopping trip with her) and sometimes I get aggravated with her (and my husband's stepfather) just because, well that's just another story, LOL! Anyhow, on the plus side, she certainly makes me feel that she's very happy that her son married me and loves her grandkids.

Did the shopping trips, etc. end when you got married? Or end when you had your babies? Maybe she's been feeling a little left out?

I liked Denise P.'s ideas of the politeness, thank yous, etc. That seems to go a long way. Also anything you can do to make her feel useful. Asking about your husband as a child, possibly; the baby has been doing this, did your husband do that as a child, that type of thing.

As long as MIL isn't watching them on a daily basis I wouldn't worry about the drinks/naps (unless she's giving them soda, assuming no allergies) and just acknowledge that while at your MIL's there probably won't be any naps and plan accordingly.

My mom watches our daughter and they usually have a much later lunch than I would like and probably no nap but I just chalk that up to her having fun with Grandma.

Best of luck to you; hope things get better soon.

We parent our children very differently than we were parented (whether we think so or not), so there are going to be differences in opinion.

For example (and I get along fairly well with my MIL), she has made comments more than once that daycare is essentially letting someone else raise your child. The comments were not directed at me, but I was there when the comments were made. She was an "older mother" when my husband was born & is closer in generation to my grandmother... they didn't work.

Was I really upset the first time she said something? Yes. Did I step back and realize that we have two entirely different perspectives- neither being "better", just very very different... Yes.

My husband and I have basic "rules" surrounding our son, most of which have to do with his safety. Both of our parents are aware, but honestly if what they are doing isn't dangerous, I let it go. My MIL fills him up on baked goods when he's there so he doesn't eat a meal. Not great, but once-in-a-while it's not the end of the world. My parents let him sleep on the couch cuddled with my dad... good habit? Nope, but he only sees them (out-of-state) every couple of months, so my husband lets it go.

MIL and our mothers have "parented" their children into adulthood and have a lot of valid and helpful suggestions, but unfortunately some of us send the message early-on that we're not interested in listening- so they bite their tongues and roll their eyes and we get annoyed. Try asking her for a suggestion and then actually doing it! See what happens... it changed the way my MIL viewed me and the way my mother viewed my husband!

I've completely distanced myself from MIL. She was nothing but trouble. I sense they get jealous and alienated and losing control of their sons fuels their desire to make like miserable for DILs. Focus less on her and more on your family. The time to worry is when your husband forgets who he's married too. So communicate with him, be respectful to her and move forward. Perhaps ignoring her she will be forced to look inward and question her behavior.

As for the drinking and no naps, that is the very reason I was reluctant to send our daughter for visits. She just doesn't have good judgment.

Good luck!

When I was first married, my MIL loved me- but she was a little old Polish lady and VERY set in her ways. We had many many misunderstandings about things with her taking care of my son, walking into our house unannounced, etc.

I got divorced almost 6 years ago. My son was 4 at the time and was VERY close to his grandma and I knew that for his continuity, I needed to keep that connection up. She had moved to a retirement community condo and I contacted her and told her that I really wanted to make sure my son still had time with her every week.

After that- we got along great. I learned that doing some things with grandma that mom would never do didn't really hurt my son at all in the long run. She respected me in a weird way for divorcing her son, I think, and she really really appreciated that I went out of my way to make sure she still got to see her beloved grandson (my ex didn't really).

Now I am remarried and we get along great. She likes my new husband and thinks he is a great stepfather and as she gets older and more frail, it is wonderful to see my son 'taking care' of her- lol, they take the Senior Bus downtown to go shopping or see a movie or go out for ice cream and he carries her bags and they play cards for money- somehow grandma always seems to lose and my son comes home with $10 lol.

So yes- it IS possible for the relationship to improve. Remember that any annoying thing she does, she is doing out of LOVE for your children. Pick your battles- if there is something that REALLY bothers you, sit and talk with her about it. It might not change things, but you will at least get it off of your chest. Let go of the little stuff - your kids are your kids and a few different rules- or lack of them!- from grandma are not going to damage them permanently.

When I was younger, I would never have felt this way- but after everything that has happened, I have a better perspective. It is a good thing to have people who love and care about your kids. You don't need to be best pals with your MIL - just deal with the big issues and don't sweat the small stuff!

I also agree with the poster below about setting your boundaries and sticking to them. There are good MILs and difficult ones and everything in between. You can only control how you behave and how YOU react to things- not her. Just do the best you can to be fair and straightforward! Good luck!

Good for you for looking into the future! Yes, it can get better and probably will get better because you're smart enough to realize that this is a long term relationship. My sister dreaded seeing her MIL at first, there was a huge amount of tension. But as the years went on, she just kept being fake nice and ultimately started to feel love for her. Then a lot of love. Ultimately, when her MIL passed, my sister felt like she had lost one of her own parents. Hang in there, your MIL is family. I think one of the toughest times is when the kids are young because it points out all those normal family child rearing differences. It will get better.

Actually people CAN be hateful to you even if you are always nice and respectful to them. It's not always a two way street.
Case in point, my own MIL.

The light at the end of the tunnel is to set your boundaries and keep them. Even if she is never nice to you, you can have the satisfaction that you acted better than her.

I would give anything to trade with you! Underlying tension is better than the toxic spewing and control that I have to deal with!
Hang in there girl!

If you are a good daughter in law, chances are you will end up with a good mother in law. It's a two way street. Someone cant be mean to you if you are consistently good, respectufl and nice to them. Seriously. If you choose to wear the "inlaw" chip on your shoulder, it will never get better.

It really hasn't gotten better with MY MIL, but you never know. I've been married for 14 years and I think she sees how I run our home, care for her son and grandson and respects that more now. So in a way--maybe it is a tad better.
My game plan: Be polite, respectful, treat her much as you would your own mom (as far as invitations, thank yous, etc), be aware that this is the mother of your husband and if you love him, you gotta respect her, at the very least.
Good luck!

mine is the exact same way, we used to go out on every sunday with his siblings and their kids, but i got sick of hearing everyone bad mouthing his mom, then eventually true colors showed up so now we are almost like strangers she takes her hate for his ex out on his two from that marriage (mainly the oldest) and well, just not a place we want the kids around.

she went shopping with me for my dress, helped me pick my boquet, then we got married and less than a year later it was BAM i hate you but will put up a front and play the "nice" card

I understand and would like to rant a bit. My MIL was ok in the beginning but then when I had a baby and she moved closer it all changed. She demands to see the baby at inconvient times and tried to give her food right off the stove steaming HOT! (a 7month old) Judgement and selfishness is her problem. She is so jelous of my mom that is part of the problem. I just pray that she moves back, but don't really see that happening. I just try and disreguard a lot of what she says and I do tell my husband some stuff she does. Most of the time he agrees she doesn't have good judgement and just does stupid things. I just wonder how he made it out alive with her as a mother; however she had an nanny till her childeren were 5. lol

Wish I had some light at the end of the tunnel for you...My ex husbands mother did the exact same, called constantly, always wrote us (she lives in another state) visited a few times in the 1st year, but after that it was all down hill. She hated me for making her son a better person and for showing him there are other ways to live his life. 9yrs I dealt with her being just terrible to me in every way, including the whole family in her made up drama. The last 6yrs I refused to interact with her in any way and we just divorced this last week. She doesnt know my children and doesnt make an effort too either. I think MIL's in general just dont like the idea of another women coming in and showing their sons that life can be different than the way they taught. Good luck, stay calm, pick ur battles, and above all your husband should be standing up for you and and your choices with her.

My exact predicament. Good relationship before the grandkids came - I thought she was awesome - then her judgement, comments, overstepping her boundaries, blowing off my guidelines on what they can eat, when they sleep, etc.. even being sneaky about it, like sneaking 2nd cups of coco after I said 1 only or sneaking upstairs to soothe a child that is in a time out. It started to feel disrespectful and over time that interrupted to me feeling like it was personal and as I stuffed it deeper - I could tolerate her less and less, I was more on guard and critical of her inconsiderations and , probably , basic human flaws.
and I was certainly "fake nice" - and assumed she was too, b/c how could she do these things and be so passive aggressive and NOT know what I was feeling or be sincere in her "niceness"??
Well, I'll never know the truth, b/c I finally blew up.
And then the truth didn't matter the damage was done.
I thought that I could be more assertive with my parenting expectations and she would "get it" - and I think she did at times. She also probably thought more than ever that I was being crazy.

THe day I lost it was my younger child's 2nd birthday. I had a crowd coming over and things to be done and my husband wasn't being helpful enough. we started to bicker and she charged right into it. When she left - I commented to my husband about his lack of support when she stepped on my toes and I knew darn well her husband was within ear shot. She approached me to ask if she had done something - and a lot came out. I held back from listing episodes and tried to explain how her comments made me feel. she "played dumb". I must have misunderstood, she would never, yadda yadda - but there were tears and hurt feelings. there were phone conversations and not really closure, but noone wanted it to go on.

I had been in counseling, and even my mother reminded me often - to let things go. Let her be a grandmother. Don't be oversensitive - maybe I did misunderstand that comment. Take a breath and be grateful for a MIL that loves my kids. Know that somethings are just personality specific and not personal against me. This is great - if you can really do it - or if you think she is just oblivious, but if you can't let go of the past, or if things do continue to build - I highly encourage you to speak up.
It doesn't have to be about the past, but what I never did - was call her out on it.
Once, she babysat and knowing she herself is a sugar junkie, we specified, please - no night time desserts. We explained ourselves. Offered post lunch "treat" idea's, but no dessert. We called that night to say goodnight and our daughter promptly told us she was eating ice cream! We didn't question grandma. We tried to be cool and laid back and say "Well, that's grandma!", but we didn't hold her accountable and say - what the heck?

This is getting longwinded -but do you see what I mean? Clearer communication could have spared us all. She is a grown woman who blew off our rule - and there was no reason not to communicate about it. God knows, I wouldn't have hesitated had it been my own mother.

We have moved from out of state to the same county as my MIL. It's supposed to be "better". It is so much better than before, but she recently made a comment that brought back all the unforgiven feelings I've held, but this time - I quickly responded to it.
I respect this woman. Another episode happened - and I'm seeing her slip into her ways, but I know what's important. Her making the same dish at thanksgiving as me - knowing what I'm bringing - I can let go and shake my head about. Her implying that I don't get out of the house enough with my kids (with a shake to the head)(also, I'm new to a community w/ severe morning sickness to boot!) Well, that I simply responded to immediately.
No, we just don't have very many options these days - I would love to have a routine here like we did before.

I will do my best to be the adult and stand up for my own limits. I will also do the best I can to trust her intentions and let go of the little things.

Hopefully, we find our bliss. Hopefully, you do too. It's important for yourself and I know it's been hard on my husband.and caused friction in our relationship. It's not worth it.
Call it how you see it. Say what you need to say - in the moment.

good luck

Hi K. :-0

What I am hearing you say is that NOW your behavior is "fake nice" but before you were married, your behavior was more natural and smooth, with your mother in law.

If you would like this relationship to be more smooth and natural, then you need to be honest with yourself about your feelings, and be fair to the relationship by being honest with your mother in law. You don't have to come right out and say something, but you can set up a time again when you can go on a shopping trip or other way to spend some private time with her, like before you were married.

Give her an opportunity to talk and then tell her how you have missed these times but realize that they are not as easy to maintain now that you both have new children in your lives :-) Set the scenario and allow enough time for you to really open up to her and let her know how you feel. You speak of the "underlying tension".. which you are feeding because you are being honest with her. It is not easy for her to change her behavior if she does not know it is bothering you.

You can tell her your home routine and the way you enjoy raising your children and how you love offering "such and such" for drinks, etc and how you see how wonderfully your son does when he gets his nap... all the things you want to see her do.. and then let her talk.

I don't believe you will be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel if you are the one controlling that light by keeping you both in the darkness about your feelings :-)

hugs,
A. R.N., Energy Medicine Practitioner