Stay at Home Dad

Hi C.! My husband is a stay at home dad also. We have an 11 almost 12 yr old daughter that lives with her mom, so we only have her weekends, but we also have a 11 1/2 mo son. He belongs to the Central CT sat at home parents association, which is great! There are a few dads in that group. Honestly, becoming part of a stay at home parents group is great b/c even if he doesnt meet up that often it is a way to meet people in his shoes! Good luck!

K.

C.,
a few thoughts...
first, just as everyone else is saying, trying to get him to take your little girl out for group activities will not only be good for him, but good for her as well. I know there are some really great Parents' Centers in the area, they are pretty much free, and there are always other dads there.
second, if he really is refusing your help, you cannot make him listen to you or change, depression is a difficult thing to deal with, and no amount of prodding helps if he is unwilling to listen- that being said- don't beat yourself up over it.
however,
thirdly, if you can find some time to just be together as the two of you, that will probably help him feel like himself. Can you get a sitter for an evening and go out to a movie or pizza or something? Also let him know that although you are tired from work (and believe me he is tired from his work too) that you will watch your little girl for an evening, and he should go out with his buddies. That will also go a long way.

Good Luck!

Since I am a stay at home Mom, I get how it is. I suggest you make plans to go out and do things together. Like dinner, a movie, shopping...anything that gets him out of his surroundings (home), and interacting with people. I know being pregnant has you limited to what you can do, and with kids already you may only be able to go for walks, or day trips somewhere. Try to make it like you want to be with him (other than at home). That way it's not like your nagging or pushing him into stuff. Getting out and having time being someone other than a parent is nice for a change. It's hard to get out of that boring mindset where all you are is a parent. The more you push him to get out of his funk, the more he is going to get angry and shut you out. If you can't get him to go out, well theirs not much you can do.

Have you had him look into a playgroup? A lot of communities have indoor playgroups for kids, I have gone to one recently in Watertown, MA and there were at least 3 father's there with their children, this might be a good place for him to go so that your 21month old can play and he can socialize with some other adults. I'm not sure where you live, but I bet you can find something. Good luck!

Try wording it like it's more like he's helping you...if you are feeling tired after work, think about changing your hours and maybe you could spend more time at home...if at that point he thinks it's ok or a good idea to get a part time job or something...just freeing him to have the option may be enough to make him feel more like it is his decision. It's all a thing of ego for men...but if he thinks he can help a situation, the approach and outcome may be different.
Just a suggestion. Good luck.

we all go through this.. it's very hard to switch from working adult to stay at home one.. tell him to get involved in a story hour or playgroup or even a gym class. that way it's not totally social for him, (the gym class would be the least social thing for him), but he'll warm into meeting people that way. and he'll have some fun too. and it gets him out of the house.. I"ve been home 9 years and I still have a hard time sometimes with the lack of adult interraction some days. good luck

Hi C.,
My "hubby", boyfriend of 8 years, is staying home too. He did terrific with our 3 year old, started to get bored/down about the end of the 2nd year, but it really got bad for him with the addition of a newborn baby boy, now 4.5 months old.

I agree with the moms... playgroups are a good idea. But I think it's even MORE important that he has as much of HIS OWN time as possible. No kids allowed. I work 45 hours a week, and as much as I'm tired, I know it's NO WAY near as much work as he is doing at home. The SAHMs & SAHDs are the real workers, and that needs to be recognized by us out of home workers, both men & woman.

FORCE him to go out. You mention he's antisocial, but does he have any friends? If not, he might need time for online activities, video games, beers at the bar, whatever it is that he used to do before babies came around.

My biggest concern for you is that you are pregnant.... he's going to continue to stay at home with both babies? TWO BABIES ARE WAY MORE THAN TWICE THE WORK. So if it's not working now, it might get even worse with the new (although wonderful) addition. I would set something up now... we had (and continue to struggle sometimes) with my boyfriend staying home with two instead of one. Your boyfriend needs an outlet, and time with you, to feel good about how he's spending his days. The last thing you want is for him to resent the children or you, these can strain a relationship seriously. Good luck! It's a lot of hard work, but we all make it work out... somehow!! :-) K.

Hi C.,
I understand how he feels... My family is in Ohio and I had No one to talk to. I am a stay at home mom... Maybe he should try meet up group... It is here in RI, It's not just mothers it is fathers to... They meet once a month for a play group... It's a way of meeting people and having the kids meet people... He needs to do more... He can also have your daughter join Little Gym or something like that... Little Gym is pricey, but there is a place on Jefferson Blvd.
that is great... A lot of fathers go... It wouldn't be for him it would be for you daughter and if he meets some dads that's great....
Meet up group...www.meetupgroup.com ... Hope this helps you out...
M.

I know that Men can be very stubborn and they try to act so tough, but as a stay at home mom, I felt myself getting into the same rut.
You have to push him to be more social with your 21 month old. There are lots of storytimes, playgroups, etc... around. Have him join a gymnastics class with your child. He will probably be surprised how many stay at home dads there are...the storytime that I go to is easily half moms and half dads-

Also, be sure he has time out on his own. Make it so that every Thursday night he gets to play cards with the guys or go out for a drink, whatever is his thing. Or if weeknights are too tough, see if he wants to play in a pick up game of basketball on the weekends, or have some time alone to go workout, read a book, etc... One thing I found that helped me was to have a parent's helper come in once a week to play with my kids while I worked from home or cleaned, whatever- just not having to do double duty being the housekeeper and parent at the same time was a huge relief.

I am in the Belchertown area, so if you need suggestions of groups let me know- having a 5 year old too, we have attended just about all of them!

Good luck and be sure he knows it is ok to ask for time without your child and to have some help. It will be good for his psyche...

I'm a stay at home mom, who just moved to a new city. I've been depressed since my move because I left almost everything I know in life (except my son and my boyfriend). It's been suggested to me that I take my son out as much as I can. Just get out and do things, anything to break up the routine of being home all day by myself with a 2 year old. MY doctor also told me to take a vitamin B complex (with b-2, b-6, b-12 and C.) B vitamins are essential to mental health (neurological maintenance) and they help provide energy that every parent of a toddler needs. Maybe similar suggestions for your boyfriend might be helpful with out making him "feel crazy". I know when my boyfriend suggested that I try counseling, I felt threaten by it, even though I know I'm depressed.

Does he take the kids to the library for story-time, or go to any new-parents groups (like at Birth Roots - www.ourbirthroots.org)? He definitely needs to get out...it's like he has post-partum depression! He probably needs exercise (10 minutes a day can alleviate symptoms of depression...a walk around the block, maybe?) and some interaction...the isolation of parenting is one of the causes of depression.

Hey, other Mamas...are any of your partners stay-at-home dads, in the area? With a little prompting, I bet we could get them to form a lunch group or something. Pizza, Papas, and Babies!

Hi C.,

One thing I could suggest that might help you, and your boyfriend indirectly, is talking with a social worker who specializes in family relationships. Frequently your health insurance will cover the cost of this; check before you commit or rule it out. It sounds as if your boyfriend might not be receptive to this at first, but you can get a lot of help by talking with the social worker about the dynamics at home. She (or he) will help you find ways to discuss with your boyfriend what's going on and suggest things that might help the situation.

You can frequently get a referral for this type of social worker from a school or family network (such as First Connections).

Good luck!

Jenn

I am sorry but you have enough on your plate, don't you? I have always taking men, husbands as just another child that we have to take care of. Have you tried asking what he exactly does when he is home and offer him the option of you staying home and him going back to work?
I have 3 children 15, 18, and 62!!
Kathy B

Hi C.,
I am staying at home now for the first time so I can understand his feelings about being a bit cooped up, maybe bored, and craving adult conversation! If he is a little antisocial, he probably will not seek out what he needs on his own. Can you find out about any playgroups, storytimes, music or swim classes, etc that he could take her to and just sign him up. Maybe getting him up and out will help. There are places with parent involved swimming, music, and even gymnastics with a 2 year old. Check the library, YMCA, parks and rec in your town, etc. Now that your daughter is nearing 2, there will be things he can do with her with other adults and itll keep him more active. I know that if I stay home all day and dont get out, I get that "cooped up" feeling. Good luck! J.