Speechless

Tell her what you told us then tell her you'll do the grocery shopping, pet care, whatever you think will be helpful. Don't ask "what can I do to help" she may not be able to answer.

I think I would just hug her tight and let her know I was there for her. That is so hard. Makes me tear up.

Ask her what she needs. She may need you to help watch the other children while she takes this child to treatments. be there for her, stay in her life and don't avoid talking about the child. Many many childhood cancers are very treatable and the child may be fine after treatment. So try to stay upbeat and offer any help you can
good luck
J.

Hello Sister R.: I am crying as I write this so bear with me if it is long. I can say that that is one of the hardest situations to be in, but having been there as the wife of a man she loved and adored I can tell you what my friends have done for me during my husbands cancer and then with his death.
To quote Cherlyn, " I have the power to be your friend Glenda, and I will do that but I don't have the power to fix this so I won't try". She listened to my pain, sorrow and saw what she could do and just did it and still does-- often without my even knowing. Other friends, would make meals, bring treats that helped make his days easier-Otter Pops, Root Beer & Ginger Ale all help take the medication taste and the metal taste out of the mouth and they saw to it we had all we needed. One friend came in and quietly made sure the bills were paid because often I would be so thrashed myself that I'd forget.
Prayers-- hundreds of them, that gave uus peace and guidance at the darkest times. Most of all the love and encouragement that came from notes, emails, phone messages because he couldn't talk and I was to weary. Those I have saved and reread many times. They took care of my children, yard work-- anything that they saw as needed done and they did it. A quiet Army of people that cared. So I will say Plese Don't Walk Away - some people do because they can't handle it----- I still am hurt by the so called friends that did that, guess they thought it would rub off onto them. It is not what you say as much as how much comfort you can give. If I can be of anymore help please contact me, I have several friends that have now been there and saddly endured it with children, spouses, & siblings. So I have a range of people I can ask questions of to help.
God Be with you and with them. Please keep me informed as to how it is going. Nana Glenda Springer

Listen with an open heart and open arms.
Never interrupt her as she tells you the pain in her heart and her aching for her child.
Never tell her what she "should" do.
Do say you're sorry, many times and sincerely.
DO let your genuine concern and caring show.

DO be available... to listen or to help with whatever else seems needed at the time.

DO say you are sorry about what happened and about their pain.

DO allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling at the moment and are willing to share.

DO encourage them to be patient with themselves, not to expect too much of themselves and not to impose any “shoulds” on themselves.

DO allow them to talk about their child as much and as often as they want to.

DO remember they need your caring and support.

DON'T let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out.

DON'T avoid them because you are uncomfortable (being avoided by friends adds pain to an already painful experience.)

DON'T say that you "know how they feel". (Unless you've experienced their pain and worry yourself you probably don't know how they feel.)

DON'T tell them what they should feel or do.

DON'T change the subject when they are talking!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't stress this enough!!

DON'T avoid mentioning their child out of fear of reminding them they have cancer (You can be sure they haven't forgotten it.)

DON'T try to find something positive (e.g. a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc.) about the situation.

DON'T point out “at least you have your other children …”

DON'T say they “can always have another ...”

DON'T suggest that they “should be grateful for their so-and-so...”

DON'T make any comments which in any way suggest that their child with cancer was their fault (there will be enough feelings of doubt and guilt without any help from their
friends).

the last one,
Also call her, don't wait for her to call you. People avoid hard situations, even though her child is with cancer, her phone is probably not ringing. If it is it's in the early stages and she's just announcing it. In about six months, when the 'freshness' has worn off, people will seize to call. pick up the phone and call her.

Go right ahead and cry with her, hon. That's what she wants to do too I bet. (but when it gets to a point where she has to turn around and console you, ok, time to find a way to put your grief into action)

LISTEN. Be there for her.

Sister R. B,

Today when you hear the word cancer it is not as scary as it was 30 years ago because of the new technologies and information available in getting healthier and being able to fight this disease.

Let her know you are there for her and be there for her. There is a book out Alkalize or Die by Dr. Theodore A. Baroody. It is a great book.

I would also put her in your prayers everyday.

If you would like to learn more on prevention let me know.

N. Marie

Tell her the words will not come out because you are feeling your grief and sorrow for her so very deeply. Pray.

Do just as you wanted to do ... cry. Cry with her, cry for her. Let her know that you are there for her and her child and that you will make it through TOGETHER and then cry some more.

Nothing but positive thoughts are coming your way from your Mamasource community.

My heart breaks. The one thing my mother to this day tells me after 12 years since my ordeal is when she watched me dying in a hospital bed on life support for 25 days, with a staph infection in ny blood stream to hear our Close friends of the family would just say to my mom, Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. My mother still shares with me how much that hurt her. These people were our friends and her brain was somewhere else wondering if her daughter was going to live or die and she didn't even know what she needed. But how come these so called friends of ours for 35 plus years didn't just offer to do things for my poor mother by just doing it. Like go to her house and pick up dishes, feed her puppy that was only 6 months old, bring her food, something. She was there by my side 24/7 for a total of 38 days till I left the hospital. She said friends would come and hug her and tell her how much they hurt for her watching me die and then leave. These are friends that were in my life since I was 5. So what i have to say is. Just do things for your friend and put yourself in her shoes and think about what might help her/family out. Maybe have a housekeeper come to the house and clean for her, have a meal brought over, do some laundry. Just do it because as my mother puts it. You just don't konw what you need because your only focus is getting your child better. Once someone takes care of those things it really helps you out. This is the frame of mind my mother was in. One day she left the hospital to go walk her dog (55 miles from staford to her house once way) she was on stanford campus coming back and I guess rolled through a stop sign not knowing. I was scheduled for my 4th surgery. When she was stopped she told the police officer the whole situation. They told her she had an outstanding ticket and took her in to custoday and towed her car. She told them to just drive her to the hospital. They did and she said you can take my car and drive it off a cliff. The dr's explained my condition to them and they still towed her car off.

There was another piece to this whole situation. My mother's father died 4 months before my getting seriously ill. She later had a breakdown 7 moths after I got out. All you can do from what I learned from my mom is, just be there to do things for her, dont't ask just say your going to do this that and the other because she doens't know. My mother said, there is no pain in the world then watching your child die and there isn't a thing you can do about it but pray.

God bless!!!!

I don't have anything to add to what to say but don't say what can I do, just let me know... pick something to do for her and do it. Make her dinner every Thursday night. Buy funny little gifts and deliver them to the hospital with cute cards. Pick up her dry cleaning. Stop by and do all her dishes while she rests. Take her other child for the afternoon once a week and make sure they feel special. Do something that you want to do that you would like to have done for you. And keep doing it through all the treatment. That says much more than words.

You tell them you are there. You hug them. You pray. You do what you can to help. You love on them. Make dinners, sit with them in waiting rooms. Pray some more.

My grandson is in recovery from cancer. The best thing you can do is be there. And it is ok to not know what to say.

Say nothing, just be there and listen to your friend. Cry with her and bring the kleenex.It is okay not to know what to say.Be supportive in ways that will become clear while your friend goes through her child's treatment.(bring food, help with household chores,walk the dog etc.)Hold your friend's hand and know that by being there you are saying more then words.Good luck and may God Bless you.
W. P.

I can't say much more than what has been said. The most important thing is for your friend to know you there for her. You can tell her that but showing her is the best way. Yes, helping with grocery shopping, cooking meals, etc. is great but sometime they need some to go with them to an appointment......or hold their hand after an appointment. Take the que from them...if they want to talk, you'll be there. If they don't want to talk don't push it but still be there.

It's terrible what's happened to their child! But think of what the mother is going through to....don't let her go alone.

God Bless, M.

Hi,

Be honest. Say that you are so sorry to hear that and you don't know what to say. Offer to listen to them if they need to talk or vent. I wouldn't offer any advise unless they specifically ask for it.

Good luck~

Molly

Wow, that's a tough one....
How about just the honest truth...
"I don't know what to say or how to say it, but I will be your friend & be here for you when/if you need me"
Also let her know ALL the mom's here will be saying a prayer for her daughter & family. God will hear us, we are many........
God Bless...

You say what is in your heart. then you let her know to call you if she ever needs to talk to vent, but you have to be strong enough to be there because your friend is going to need a friend. Do not turn away. When people are in that type of situation, they know who there true friends are. If you are a true friend you will be there for her day and night no matter what. Then you will need someone to vent too, so hopefully you have someone you can turn too.

I wish you and your friend all the best.

You put your arms around her, tell her you are so sorry she is dealing with this - and face it with her - don't withdraw because the situation is difficult - help her bear it. And yes- pray for her - and tell her you are praying for her.

I would have hugged her. Told her that you're there for her in any way that she needs you. If she is religious, in any belief, tell her that you'll pray for her and her child. I am a terrible Christian, but being told by someone that they will pray for me always touches me. That they would include me into their relationship with God.
Then hug her again.

At a later time, maybe try to distract her a bit, make her think of other things, help her to relax. This part I imagine would be the hardest. She will have a difficult time living her life until this is over. Help her to be an individual. Parents are completely consumed by this sort of tragedy, and it's as if their own life has been frozen in the meantime.

Make sure she knows that she can lean on you.

You can tell her that I, who rarely prays, will pray for her and her child.
~S.

It's hard to know what to say, I wouldn't know what to say either. I think that in this case, it may not be what you say that is as important as what you do: actions will speak louder than words. Hugs help a lot! Offering a shoulder to cry on would be beneficial too I am sure, and even helping her cry. You are her friend & crying with her might help her to feel not so alone as she begins this very frightening journey. Your friend & her daughter & the rest of their family will be in my prayers, as will you.

Wow - what a tough situation! I think sometimes that it is ok to have nothing to say! Just being there and sitting their with her in her silence, holding her hand is the best thing that you could do. No one knows all the right things to say, and sometimes there is no right thing to say.....Just be there when she needs you to cry on your shoulder, maybe to help with the other kids if their are any, and to pray for her! Blessings ~ Janine

I think the heading on your request says it ... "speechless". There isn't much you can say, but a hug and even crying with her will let her know how much you care. That's what she needs most from you now. If you find there are practical things you can do to help her get through the myriad of appointments, etc. that come with such a diagnosis, by all means be ready to help. Housework, driving them to appointments, caring for other children in the household, or just simply sitting with this mother in the waiting room of a hospital are all things I can think of as possibilities. Be open with her, and listen carefully to learn what she needs most from you, but also be sensitive to when she just needs you to leave her alone.

Let your friend know that you are there for her and you will help her out with babysitting, running errands, etc.

Dear R.,

here is what i would say:

"oh, (name) i am so sorry, how are you doing?"

and then watching her for how much she can handle i would want to know all of the questions below:

"how long have you known? how is the child doing? how is the father? can i do anything for any of you? are you sleeping, do you need help with food? is the child in pain? what do the doctors say, what is the prognosis? what does your child love to do? cn my child come to visit your child...any way i/we can help your child have some joy?"

but most of all, "i love you so much. please feel free to ask me for anything, tell me anything, and allow me to give to you during this challenging time."

with love to you and her and her family,
A. m

I would give her homemade gift certificates (20 loads of laundry, cleaning bathrooms, doing dishes, cooking meals, walking the dog, picking up or driving the other child to activities, babysitting, etc). Make sure each certificate has your contact info so that if they are out and need something they can call you any time.

Most of all, let the family know they are loved and not deserted. There is a wonderful website called www.caringbridge.org that is available to help keep friends/family updated so the family isn't inundated with questions. Check it out and recommend it to your friend - she can post photos, share accomplishments and frustrations...

There's not much you can say. If you have time, though, you can help. Your friend will be running back and forth to and from doctors' appointments, and she will be totally distracted from every day life. If you can drive her somewhere, offer to do that. If you can provide care for her other kids, offer to do that. If you can fix dinner for her, help her clean her house, or give her a massage, offer to do that.

And stay in touch with her, even if it's painful for you. When I suddenly lost my husband, years ago, I had some friends who were so uncomfortable with my grief that they pulled away from me, and didn't call or come by. It was a horrible time to have to learn who my real friends were. Peace to both of you.

I think its ok to say just that "I don't know what to say". Its honest.
I also like listening: how are YOU doing? Can I do anything for you? How are you coping, dealing w/ this. Most people take it one day at a time. Stand by her side each day.

Deborah

You tell them that you are sorry this is happening to their child and you want to help. They may not always know what they need. Do they need food prepared? Someone to go with them to doctor visits/treatments. Someone to be there for their other kids (you didn't say if this is an only child). You offer your thoughts and prayers. Hugs are good. A shoulder to cry on is good. A friend to listen when it's so unfair and they are angry this is happening. Text messages are a great way to stay in touch - without worring that you are bothering them. I know I am an adult, but several of my friends would text me on my days of chemo to let me know they were thinking of me. It gave me a lot of strength. Children are amazing - through this they often teach us the important things in life. This child & parents will be in my thoughts & prayers. I learned these are not empty words -they mean a lot.

Hi Sister R.,
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's child, no one should have to go through that with their child.
As for the advice you asked....
I don't know someone that has gone through this with a child, but I remember talking with my friend who's wife has a rare form of genetic Leukemia and both he and his wife were heart broken when their friends began slipping away because they felt too uncomfortable to create a dialog with them.
I would say remind her that you are there for her. Let know that if you can help in some way you will. Ask questions about the kind of cancer and what the doctors have said.
You want to give her the space that she need to process and deal with this terrible burden, but not so much space that she feels your absence.
Blessings to all,
-Happy2bMama

write a note to help you get your thoughts together. whether or not you actually give it to your friend doesn't matter. i think it will help you to deal with your feelings so that you can pick up the phone or go to her and talk to her. if you have the note with you and find you are speechless again, read it on the phone or hand it to her with that hug a previous poster mentioned. do not let this go. you need to make a connection so this friend is not alone in her struggle.

I'm so sorry. I want to support you. What can I do to help?

You say that you don't know what to say and ask what you can do to help. Have some options of what you are willing to do, be specific otherwise she won't take you up on it. Some things that might be helpful are cooked food for her fridge that can be easily heated up. If a close friend, clean her house. The most helpful thing would be helping to sort out insurance and hospital bills. Often insurance doesn't keep track of deductibles and keep paying at the wrong rate.

Whatever you do, don't try to console her. Don't say that God has a plan or that there is a silver lining. This is not comforting except to the person saying it. You can say you'll pray for her and her family.

Just be there and say that it sucks and that you wish her baby weren't suffering.

I'm so sorry to hear.

I agree with the PP, don't just ask what she needs just do things you know will be helpful. I never say yes to help even when I need it.

We'll say a prayer. Stay strong for them.

Sister R.,
My best friend went through cancer with her first child.
Praise God he's healthy now and the cancer never came back. But, they went through hell.
I know from experience, don't worry about what to say....be there to listen.
If the first thing that pops into your head is "I don't even know what to say" then don't be afraid to say that.
Too many times people will back off because they don't know what to say and often, parents in that position aren't very good about asking for help because they don't want to trouble anybody.
It depends on how close you are to this friend.
For instance, my friend would never come right out and ask me for help, but she would say that the laundry was piling up and she just needed time to sort through the mail. I made her tea and let her sort her mail while I threw some laundry in and did the dishes. You can always make a casserole or something and drop it by... but again, it depends. If they have 80 people bringing casseroles, that's overwhelming.

"I love you. I'm here to listen. Please let me know anything I can possibly do to help you. I'll keep you in my prayers".

Sometimes that's all anyone wants to hear.

I wish you and your friend and her precious child the very best.

Just let her know you are there for her. Try to help her out as much as possible, make her dinners or help clean the house...those are things that she won't have much time to think about doing. Also, let her cry on your shoulder if she needs it...be a listening board for her to get her feelings out. You don't have to actually say much, just be a good friend!
Praying for your friend and family!

All that comes to mind is to let her know "I am here, we will get through this, i will be by your side with anything that you will need" or simply a huge hug and teh words that you will be there.

i have dealt with this horrible demon too many times and too close to home. she will need you, and if you want to be by here, you should just be. your actions are stronger then words. she will need you to just show up and help, whether it is with work around the house that she is too drained to do, or taking her away for just a few moments to get a breath, or to just stand by her side. the presence of someone supportive is key, but the support can be very muted.

i wish your firend and her family the best of luck....but remember, attitude is everything. the more positive everyone stays, the more positive everything goes.

stay strong...she will need you to be!

As a mother of a child with a heart problem (who recently had a heart transplant), I can speak from experience. The best thing to hear is "What can I do to help you?" and just keep asking...it will be hard at first to know what to ask for, but soon enough, there will be needs and you will be a person your friend knows she can turn to when it happens. Also, just be there to listen - a shoulder to cry on. That is all you CAN do...