My Moms Cancer

hi -
I'm so sorry to hear about your mothers diagnoses. It is scary to hear the word "cancer" and not knowing what will happen. Please know that you are NOT alone – there are MANY people out there dealing with the same thing you are and feeling the same way you do. It is normal to cry a lot, it is normal not to want to see your mom knowing that all you feel like you are going to do is cry, it is normal not to know how to find the strength to support her.

Sometimes when something is just too difficult to get the words out without crying you can try writing the words. You can hand her a letter and stay there with her while she reads it. Maybe if you want to show her support in “small ways” you can do things around the house for her (cleaning dishes, putting things away, vacuuming, dusting, etc).

Most importantly I would encourage you to talk to someone -- friends, minister/rabbi, a support groups for teens. you can call the American cancer society 24/7 at 1-800-227-2345. also the University of Chicago hospital has a cancer resource center where you can find answers, talk to someone, find support - 1-877-824-0660 or http://www.uchospitals.edu/specialties/cancer/crc/

I hope all goes well for you and your family. Take care

Oh, Baby Girl! First let me say how sorry I am to hear of your Mom's cancer. It's so hard, and so unfair.

My situation is similar. My daughter is a year older than you, and I was diagnosed with Stage 2B breast cancer last fall. I've been through the surgeries, the chemo, the radiation. It wasn't especially easy for either of us. Now, we're in the phase of "wait and see" for the next several years, to know if all the treatments worked, and hopefully, I won't have a recurrance.

Please talk to your school counselor; he or she could probably be able to connect you with a support group in your area for other kids going through the same thing. Also, your Mom's oncologist could also connect her to a support group of other cancer survivors. Maybe you could also ask your counselor to help you set up a support group in you school for kids with cancer in their families. You are not the only one.

What helped me most during my long months of treatment was just having my daughter there. I loved hearing her talk about every day sorts of things -- school, friends, her dreams. It made life continue to be ordinary and normal, even during the stressful times. I loved having her rub my bald head and tell me I was still beautiful. It was nothing extraordinary, but the little, daily, kind-hearted gestures that got me through.

One book I found to be helpful and empowering was "Anti-Cancer" by David Servan-Schreiber. The author is a doctor, and a long-term survivor of two bouts of brain cancer. The book has a lot of good information, and strategies to help cancer patients improve their chances for long-term survival.

Don't lose heart; and never give up hope. I've known many people who survived more advanced stages of cancer. Learn all you can about the type of cancer your Mom has. Knowlege is empowering, and makes it less scary.
I'm sending good thoughts and warm hugs your way. Please let us know how you're doing.
Elisabeth

Don't be too hard on yourself, sweetie. Your world has just been rocked, and you are quite naturally feeling shocked and confused. You have a lot of feelings to sort out, including all the normal loving and not-so-loving feelings kids have for their parents, fear for her future and your own, helplessness, a desire to support her, and of course, disbelief and extreme sadness.

Do you have an older familiy member you can confide in? A friendly neighbor? Your pastor, priest, or rabbi? A teacher (could be from a previous grade). If there's nobody you already know, please talk to your school counselor, who will be trained in helping you sort out your feelings.

The devastation you are feeling right now will gradually settle a bit, and your family will find a way forward. Yes, your mom would love to have whatever support you have to offer in coming weeks; I'm pretty sure she's feeling many of the same feelings you are. You don't have as much experience to bring to this event, though – don't forget you are 13, not 30.

It's okay to cry in your mother's presence. I don't think she'll experience that as you failing her, but rather as you loving her and feeling sad and afraid. If you find you are too overwhelmed to face her for more than the next day or so, how about making her a card, or writing her a letter, telling whatever you can't say?

I'm so sorry for this difficult news you've just received.

Call or visit:
Wellness House
131 N County Line Road
Hinsdale, IL 60521
http://www.wellnesshouse.org
They have a great support group for young people, and they will direct you to the people you need, and you will meet other kids going through similar situations. It is a wonderful resource for your Mom too.
Unless you visit this facility, you have no idea how amazing they are, and how much you need them. Good luck!. ac

Sweetie, I agree with everyone when they say you are not alone. Unfortunately there are others out there in the same or similar situation. I encourage you to find someone to talk to, try a friend, neighbor, teacher. If you don't find someone to talk to, writing it down will help. As a volunteer for the American Cancer Society, I also encourage you to contact them. They have many great programs to help YOU AND YOUR MOM. They have support groups of all kinds including one-on-one support with someone who has been through what you are going through right now. You can check things out at www.cancer.org or by calling 1-800-227-2345 (everything is confidential). Both the website and the phone number can help you locate the nearest office, if you would rather talk with someone face-to-face. I also recommend that you check out one of the local Relay For Life events. They are very inspirational events to attend, you may even find someone to talk with face-to-face. Please feel free to send me a message if you would like.

Don't worry about crying in front of your Mom. She is not expecting you to stay strong for her. You need each other now. Go to her & you can cry together. You can tell her your fears & she can tell you hers. Share your feelings with her. I think it would be great to find a support group for you as well. Talk to a school counselor first before school lets out for the year. They will have a lot of information for you. You can also talk to a preist, rabbi, or minister. If you have a best friend, you should talk to her as well. I know things seem grim, but it's not over. They have made great strides in treatments for all types of cancer. My best wishes to you & your Mom.

I just want to say that I understand how scarey it is for you. I was diagnosed with uterine cancer last year and survived it, am fine and am moving on in life. While stage 2 is scarey, it is not necessarily going to cause your mom's immediate death. Please join a group and get some support. I am sure your mom even knows how scarey it is for you. My own mother had breast cancer and is alive at the age of 78! She had it many years ago, had a masectomy and continued on to get college degree about two years ago. You are the daughter, you are a little girl and you do not have the resources to comfort your mom as it is scarey. Let your mom continue to get help for her condition and write her letters. Even if you do not show them to her. It is okay to be scared and angry and not necessarily want to be with her. My own children kind of pushed me away when I got sick. I understand and love them and they are very old! One of them is 25!
I had an operation and the cancer was removed. Let us pray for your mom that all the cancer will be eliminated and that she, too will go on living a life and loving you. :You are smart to write to us! Continue to do so we are here for eachother and you!

Updated

And I wanted to add one more thing: you are very brave to share this with us.

You poor sweet girl! What you are going through will probably be among your greatest challenges. You need support. We would all need support in your situation. You have been given some good advice in previous comments. Don't even try to go it alone. It will be difficult, no matter what, but a support group will help.

Bless you dear. Because you have to travel on this really bumpy road right now doesn't mean that life in general is bad, though it may feel that way right now. Hang in!

I'm sorry, and I know it's very scary, but cervical cancer has a pretty high rate of successful "cure" and remission. One of my life-long friends just had surgery after a diagnosis of cervical cancer, and she's doing very well. Luckily, depending on when they catch it, it's one of the cancers they can often successfully treat with surgery alone. I hope everything goes well for your mom, but try to keep your chin up right now. Hopefully your mom will be one of the success stories!

I am so sorry for what you are going thru right now, but I am going to give you a little light. About 3 years ago my mom was also diagnosed with the same kind of cancer at the age of 76. She had some of the best doctors and went to Rush for a special radiation therapy and has been cancer free ever since. Cervical cancer has a very high cure rate. I can get you and your mom more information on her doctors if you would like.
But like every mom yours is probably more worried about you than she is herself. You are only 13, and I am sure she is not expecting you to take care of her all by yourself. It is important that you and your mom work together to get a support system in place. Family, Friends and neighbors I am sure would love to help you guys. Please let them. They can make you meals, help with yard work and house work. People really love to help the ones they love, so make sure you guys allow people to help you.
Also, stay off the internet when it comes to this subject. It is usually full of bad information, scary stories, and just bad news. You don't need all of that adding to your stress levels.
Your mom is so lucky to have such a caring daughter. Good luck and if you want more info on what my mom did, you can always ask.
T.

Awwww....I'm sorry you and your mom are going through this. Often it is the loved ones of the person diagnosed that seem to have the harder time. It's hard to see someone we love go through something so difficult. It's often easier to pull away because the pain can seem unbearable. It will take you some time to get your head around the situation. Our moms are most likely the most important person in our lives. While you can't ignore the issue at hand, remember, your mom is the same mom that she was before they found the cancer. Just treat her the same as you normally would. And be there for each other. God bless.

I can't recommend any particular groups for you but can tell you this as someone who lost their mom at the age of 11 who is now a mom: your mom probably wants you to feel your feelings more than she needs you to be strong. It's okay to feel sad and I'm guessing that every time she looks at you she wants to cry, too. Honestly, this is not the time for a stiff upper lip. Do all of the research you can--preferably with your mom. Try to learn, together, what is going on in her body so you can both be ready for whatever might come. Tell her how you feel: how scared you are, how sad you are, even how angry you might be. She's going through a lot, but she is the grown up and however mature you are (and you certainly sound mature!), you are just 13.

I hope that you have other adults in your life (grandparents, aunts, uncles, and I hope very much your dad) who can help you find what you need, but if you tell your mom that you need someone to talk to (a psychologist, a support group), maybe she can help you find one. I was in therapy for the entirety of my mom's illness and for about 5 years after and give my mom a ton of credit for INSISTING that I go (cuz at 10, that was the last thing I wanted to do!).

Again, remember that while she is scared and sad, too; knowing how you feel and keeping that line of communication open between the two of you will probably help both of you so much. Good luck and my thoughts and prayers are with you both!

Sweetie, that is so hard. I know that it seems huge and very frightening right now. It probably does for her too, and if she's anything like the moms I know, including me, she's even more worried about you right now than about herself. It's ok to cry--it's a normal response. It's ok to ask her for more hugs and to let her know you are scared. I know it can be hard to be around her, because you don't want to feel all these powerful feelings. That can be ok too, but it might work better for both you and your mom if you talk it out and maybe work out a way to say to one another that you need a time out, as well as a way to say to one another that you really need the other at a certain time. That way, when you OR she gets overwhelmed, you both know you can take a little time away and not hurt the other's feelings. But at the same time, if EITHER one of you is feeling really bad and really needs a hug or a shoulder to cry on or just to touch in and be together, that is possible, too. Nobody feels abandoned and nobody gets too overwhelmed that way.

There are support groups for kids going through a parents' severe illness. You can check with the doctor or hospital she's working with for a group close to you.

Another possibility is to contact the Cancer Treatment Centers of America for more information. Their phone number is 800-931-9299, or you can find them online at www.cancercenters.com. They would have information about local support groups.

Just keep breathing and know that your mom loves you. Try to keep hopeful. There are things that can be done for this kind of cancer. Stay close to your best friends. And know there are people here who don't even know you who are holding you and your mom in our prayers.

I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer 2 years ago. I had surgery, chemo, and radiation and now I have a clean bill of health. I found great comfort in the Cancer Wellness Center (http://cancerwellness.org/). They have locations in Northbrook, Grayslake, or Waukegan and have counseling for the whole family. I loved going there.

Also, Gilda's Club has great resources if you live in Chicago http://www.gildasclubchicago.org/.

You can also ask your local hospital, as many of them have support groups for different cases.

I wish you and your mom the best of luck. I know it's tough, but there are so many resources out there to guide you now more than ever.

I felt the same way when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 years ago. It was hard to see her go through that. Just let her know you love her and are there for her. Try to do little things, like clean the kitchen without her asking or whatever, give her a few less things to have to worry about. It's going to be hard for both of you, but if you stick together you can weather it. I'll be praying for you and your mom.

Go to your school counselor or to one of your teachers that you can talk to. One of them should be able to help you find a support group.

I am so very sorry you are having to go through this, it is something no child should go through. Your mom may very well know already how scary this is for you, she understands you will need as much support as she does. It's an opportunity for you to support each other, it's not a time to hide your feelings and she will understand if you want to cry every time you look at her, it's ok-she does not expect you to take all the responsibility. You need to talk to your mom and have her tell you what she needs from you, it may just be a little extra help or simply a hug. If you have an aunt (if your mom has a sister or brother who has a wife) you can talk to, that may help, I'm sure any of your teachers or if there is a social worker at school they would be more than willing to help. It's really great that you came on here seeking help, we all will do our very best to help you out-keep your questions and feeling coming, you never know who might be able to help. God bless you and your mom.

Oh bless your heart honey. It is ok to cry and tell her you need a hug. She is not expecting you to be a big girl and handle it. God will give you courage to face it when the time is right, just pray and ask him to help you. For now, don't feel disappointed, or see your M. as helpless. See if an aunt can be with her.

I am so sorry to hear about you and your mom. So often when a person has a problem, whether it's cancer or something else, we focus on the patient, but the family is affected, too. If you are comfortable with your school and they have a counselor, you might ask this person to help you find a support group for teens. Otherwise maybe the American Cancer Society has an idea. I'm sure you aren't the only one to experience this. There was a story on Channel 9 WGN News earlier this past week, Wednesday or Friday, I don't remember which, which dealt with help for cancer patients-some kind of Angels, I don't remember. Maybe you could check their health features. My mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer last year, I'm sure I'm a lot older than your mom and my mom is 78. It's a long haul to recovery, but it affects all of us in different ways. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. And so you know, my younger sister told me she has a hard time dealing with sick people-some people can't. I have been blind all my life and maybe that is why my sister has trouble dealing with me. You'd think after all these years, we are well into our 50's, one would just get over it already! <smile>
S.

You have received a lot of good advice so far. I have a 13 year old daughter and if we were in your situation I would want for her:

- to talk with me about how she is feeling, even if she's frustrated or angry or sad; crying would be just fine too, it wouldn't stress me out; I would just want her to be able to share all her feelings with me; laughing would be fine too; even with the cancer there are still things that are fun and funny to enjoy;

- to have someone to talk with so she can share all her hopes and fears and be able to scream or cry if she wants to, and I wouldn't feel as though anyone were taking my place, I would just be glad that she had someone to talk with in addition to me;

- to still live her life; yes, I would want her to spend a bit of extra time with me but I would also want her to see her friends, continue to do well in school, have fun, laugh, and enjoy life; a mom's cancer changes a lot of things but it shouldn't be allowed to change everything;

Most of all, I would want her to know how much I love her and how hard I am going to fight the cancer.

Best wishes to you and your mom. You have lots of people just from this site who now have you in their thoughts and prayers and we wish your mom a full recovery.

You are such a sweet daughter. As a nurse I take care of patients every day with cancer. All they seem to want, and tell me they want, is having their family there to support them. They do want you to hold their hand and talk about the "non-cancer world" and everyday things you do. They all want to be "NORMAL". You can and should discuss your fears with your mom. They are normal feelings. It is a time when you will both wonder what the outcome of the illness will be, but you should always maintain a positive outlook. Your mom is not in the worst stage so the outlook is very good for a complete recovery as cervical cancer is very treatable. Your mom's stress probably had little to do with her developing cancer. Most of cervical cancer is related to a virus.