Speaking Before Thinking

Well my kids have to wear tennis shoes everyday to school...they have gym everyday...and I have secretly thought tennis shoes look really bad with some of my daughter's outfits, and I dress her...but what can you do...

Just a simple misunderstanding...

In our house we are not allowed to use the "s" word...our "s" word is stupid. My FIL called my husband that over and over as a child for any little mistake and it is a forbidden word around here.

Sounds like simple miscommunication, along with a bad mood :(
It would have been nice for him to simply say, I didn't say YOU were stupid, I said the outfit looks stupid.
Still not a very nice thing to say on his part, but better than calling HER stupid, right?
If this kind of thing happens a lot, you should spend some time talking about it, when you are both calm and relaxed, like maybe over a glass of wine after the kids are in bed. Maybe he's stressed about something and doesn't realize how he's snapping at the kids.

I guess I don't understand how it would have been much more appropriate to say that she looked stupid in the outfit she put together than that she is stupid. Technically, she could infer that she is stupid for putting that outfit together. It just is not a good idea to use "stupid" as a description attached to kids.

Worse was that your husband started yelling and saying she's makign things up. Seriously? He's an adult? When kids start their day that way, you know it's going to be a bad day for them.

I'd have a serious conversation about how we need to make mornings pleasant as one way to set our kids up for success at school. I'd also talk to him about choosing our battles wisely and that your daughter's self-esteem is more important than a mismatched outfit. She'd independently dressed herself appropriately for the day. If he thought it looked stupid, he still could've refrained from telling her she looked stupid. Ten to fifteen years from now, you don't want your little girl thinking it's ok for men to tell her that her efforts are stupid, that she looks stupid or that she is stupid. If her daddy starts telling her that as a young child, she'll likely tolerate the same treatment from other men as she ages. Your husband needs to understand this and quit acting like a stupid butt-head himself!

It's just that they each only heard part of a conversation and rather than try to find out what was actually said first, they went with what they thought they heard. Your daughter is only 7 years old and is still learning and this could have been used as a teaching moment. Your husband, being the adult, ought to know better. He responded like a child aka very immaturely.

My husband sometimes does this. He'll playfully antagonize the girls and when they get upset and don't recognize that he's playing around, he gets hurt and insulted. Sometimes, when the girls are already upset about something and being argumentative because they're tired or hungry, he gets into arguments with them at their level rather than backing up and doing the Needs Checklist: tired, hungry, hurt, toilet, sick, need attention, need hugs.

A gentle reminder is usually enough. :-) It took a while to train him.

Sometimes mine also says things to the kids that I find hurtful. I'll usually let it go right then, but I do say something later. He usually says he knew it was hurtful when it came out of his mouth and he's sorry he said it. I continually remind him that once words are out, you can't suck them back in so please try to THINK FIRST! He's a work in progress! Lol!

K.M.

This happens with EVERYONE...not just between parents and kids...

It's kinda like selective hearing...kids only hear what they want to hear....and your husband only heard what he wanted to hear...it's called miscommunication...so unfortunately, you have to be referee and say "Jane, daddy does NOT think you are stupid. He says you do not match and it LOOKS stupid." And then to your husband "Dear, Jane is NOT making things up. She HEARD you say STUPID. That's HOW SHE perceived it."

Sounds like you guys are under a lot of stress and need to learn how to communicate with each other better.

Wow, that was really mean. He needs anger management. Poor girl.

My husband does the same kind of stuff. Although he would rarely if ever notice what they're wearing. He says other stuff though that is just right off the wall sometimes.

Don't know what to say to you except to try talking to him in private about how it effects the children/the household. I talk to mine in private and he stops, at least for a while. These kind of people need to think about their words and they need to actually want to examine themselves. Ask him if he thinks he's perfect or what. He needs to put himself in their place. Think of himself when he was a child. These are important little things everyone should do from time to time.

And if he was treated this way as a child, how does he think it's helped him. Has it made him better or worse for it? Can he come up with better ways to express himself? What's he afraid of? Are these things really that important to make the child feel bad? So he's going to make his child feel bad over something so not worth anything, over something stupid just because of his own hang up?

Maybe you should write it out, make a list so to speak of how this affects the atmosphere and how he can practice positive statements. He wants the best for his kids, right. Well, it begins with him.

Don't know how far you can get with him even if you plead a good and honest case but I'd keep working at it. I know my husband can be pretty stubborn. But he will stop for lengths of time

The best to you with this

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Parents have to be careful about how they speak to their children. Words do have power. I think your husband should reconsider using words such as "stupid" to your kids.

My hubby at times says stuff to my kids that upset me. Never quite like that. He will say stuff about our daughter being slow and not able to move fast. She does take a long time in doing things sometimes but part of me also feels like she is just living up to expectations. It is a sore spot with us that we are working on. He also gets frustrated easily. Especially at bedtime after a long day of work and whatnot. I try to talk to him about stuff that bugs me when he and I are both calm and I know I won't talk out of anger.
I once heard the phrase, "Let your postives follow your butts." Meaning, if you say to your child "you are driving my nuts today" follow that with a positive "you are driving me nuts today, BUT I love you". The child will remember the last part of what we say, which is why all your daughter heard from your hubby is stupid. I think as parents we say, "I love you, but you're driving me nuts!" Turning it around and the kids hear the "I love you part. Does that make sense?
Parenting is so hard sometimes. Good luck with this.