Would You Tell Your Daugheter She Isn't Beautiful?

No,Just because they dont look like a movie star does not mean there ugly.I am 29 and i always tell my daughter,you are beautiful inside and out

I would tell her if she had a weight problem, since that would be a rough way to live. But I'd try to prevent a weight problem, as her mother, with proper food and exercise. It really takes a lot of work!

But beauty would be more subjective.

My friend that grew up in a very affluent family is California, her mom was a Vogue model, was always told she was fat and all sorts of stuff about being ugly.

Her mom would have her stand straight and put a piece of paper between her thighs and if the paper didn't fall down she'd tell her that her thighs touching was gross and meant she was grossly overweight.

She still has issues with that. If her thighs ever touch she starts freaking out that she's overweight and has to diet. It has become the focus of her life. That's a legacy from her beautiful mother.

Once when I was in high school I overheard my mom talking to a bunch of her friends. She was going on about how my brother and I used to be so cute when we were little. Now not so much. She doesn't know why she got kids that look the way we do. She didn't know I was in the other room listening. She was really into her looks, trendy teen clothes, showing cleavage, lots of makeup, heels, jewelry...obviously the way we looked was important to her. My brother and I both were very gawky teens and are not really beautiful people but we both are awesome people. We both grew up to have meaningful relationships, good marriages, tons of close friends, and great lives. Our mom now is getting older and is still stuck being a shallow person. She picks men for the wrong reasons and has horrible relationships, and she has very few friends. She still is very concerned with her looks and her things. I'm sorry you have such a lame mom...try not to let her own issues affect you. You are an awesome person and are a much better mom. Go to therapy if you need to. Get your self esteem up and love yourself the way you are. Don't let what your mom says affect you.

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Once when I was in high school I overheard my mom talking to a bunch of her friends. She was going on about how my brother and I used to be so cute when we were little. Now not so much. She doesn't know why she got kids that look the way we do. She didn't know I was in the other room listening. She was really into her looks, trendy teen clothes, showing cleavage, lots of makeup, heels, jewelry...obviously the way we looked was important to her. My brother and I both were very gawky teens and are not really beautiful people but we both are awesome people. We both grew up to have meaningful relationships, good marriages, tons of close friends, and great lives. Our mom now is getting older and is still stuck being a shallow person. She picks men for the wrong reasons and has horrible relationships, and she has very few friends. She still is very concerned with her looks and her things. I'm sorry you have such a lame mom...try not to let her own issues affect you. You are an awesome person and are a much better mom. Go to therapy if you need to. Get your self esteem up and love yourself the way you are. Don't let what your mom says affect you.

Your mother sucks.

Normal people do not say such things to their children of any age.

Clearly the nurturing gene has skipped a generation in your family.

I am glad to hear you've decided to break the cycle, for this you're to be commended. It's not the easiest thing to do.

Enjoy your own girl.

:)

Do you really want to empower yourself? Call up your mom and tell her that her words HURT you and that she should be ashamed of herself. Tell her that if she can't say anything nice, then she can keep her thoughts to herself. It won't end her nastiness, but you will feel good about having done something about it. Be calm, and be kind. Don't fight nasty with nasty, but holding her accountable EVERY time she speaks ugly words may change how she speaks to you.

It's time we ALL started holding people accountable for the way they act and speak to us. Too many people think that family has the right to say anything they want. Stand up for yourself. Be firm, be calm, and be free.

I wish you healing, peace and happiness.

Some people tear people down in an effort to give them a "thick skin" obviously it is not effective. I suggest you keep things like this to yourself since your mother is only going to be a source of pain. Congratulations that someone from the office admires you, I will simply caution against an office romance - they are often bad news if things go south. I am also going to suggest that if you do have poor self esteem dating may not be your best move. Therapy to move past those insecurities could be the right move but I do not know you well enough to say for sure.

Mothers are where we should be safe, mothers should teach us that where beauty comes from, even if we are not Angelina Jolie we can still be beautiful and sexy.

I am going to suggest a few exercises that help me when I am down about myself. 1. Positive affirmations, post it notes all around your house and on your mirror about what you like/love about yourself. This can be physical or personality based. Read them out loud each time you see them. EX: I am an intelligent business woman. I walk with grace. 2. Find what you CAN change, in 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years and make a plan. This one is harder because change can be difficult. Don't like your hair? Change it, have acne get a new skin care regime, not a fan of your clothes find a new style and integrate it into your wardrobe.

I am sorry your mother made the choice to be cruel vs. supportive, but YOU can change how YOU perceive YOU. Confidence does wonders too, when people see that you are confident in who you are they can't help but get on your confidence train, unless they are intimidated by you - then, they try to tear you down.

Welcome to the club. My mom said something similar recently. When I told her I was going out with someone new, she asked me why he'd want to ask me out. Ouch.

I used to just suck it up when people made comments like this to me. Now I ask them what they mean. Or I'll tell them, ouch, that hurts. When I say that to my mom, she'll apologize and defend herself. Even if she doesn't "get it" at least I've spoken up and called her on her unkind comment. Because people like that don't see themselves as unkind or their comments as ugly... and like your mom, THEY need the mirror!

Ugh! As a mother who thinks she lucked out by being blessed twice over by the best daughters in the whole wide world, this makes me ANGRY.

I actually heard a woman share a great deal of wisdom (for the life of me I can not remember her name). She said that not all children are born of love. Some came about because two people simply bumped uglies. Some, because a woman is trying hold on to something unavailable.

Parental love and approval is something we all expect to come naturally. The truth is, not all parents love their children. Children with solid parental approval tend to grow up and be more productive and highly esteemed adults. Those of us who's been emotionally beaten by our parents tend to seek it out more.

I honestly do not care if beauty is skin deep or that it radiates from the inside. I don't give a damn if your carrying a little too much weight or do not have enough meat on your bones. I care that she as your mother said what she said to you. I am sure this is not the first and it probably will not be the last. I wonder how much she has contributed to your lack of self esteem.

You need to be in a place where you deem yourself worthy of whatever and whomever and if it means severing ties (or at least limiting) with your mother, then so be it. You can start with acknowledging that this entire incident is her issue and not yours. And remember that the most beautiful girls are happy girls. So whatever it takes, be that happy girl.

((((((HUGS)))))

A great book for you might be "Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers." by Karyl McBride. She lays out really clearly how crazy making our mothers can be and why and how to heal yourself. I highly recommend this book.

I suspect that this comment is one in a long line of critical put downs and nasty remarks from your mother. And as that is likely the case, I would try to consider the source. How critical is she of herself? Everyone else? Is she jealous? Go tell a friend that someone likes you (hurray! he can see something that she can't!) and be buoyed by their enthusiasm for your news.

You can also build boundaries with your mother so she can't zing you. Don't tell her something you really need her approval on. When she says something nasty, you can reply with things like "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "That's your opinion" or "It's sad that you can never be positive."

In this case, she didn't have to remark about your looks. She could have asked you about him, if YOU like him, etc. There was nothing that needed to be said re: mirrors.

I tell my DD that she is cute and pretty...but I also tell her when she is smart, creative, inventive, funny, kind...if your mother can do none of that, then the issue is herself.

((((((HUG))))))

I agree with OnePerfectOne. Some of the most physically beautiful people (men included) that I have met have some of the ugliest character, but I've also know beautiful people with beautiful character.

Your mother is most likely the reason for your low self-esteem, and it's obvious from all of the wonderful posts I have read so far that you have found a warm and supportive group of women here on Mamapedia.

Please read and re-read the advice given so far- it's time to distance yourself from your toxic mother. Stick to the facts and don't offer up anything that she can use as ammunition toward you.

But most of all, enjoy the beginning of what could be a wonderful relationship! This is an exciting time for you, so please allow yourself to be the beautiful and awesome woman that I'm sure you are!

Please stay with us on this website and keep us posted of how it goes with the person from your office!

Ughh... how terrible. I suspect your low self esteem is due in part from your mother's negative and critical comments your whole life. Sorry, Mom, but you can't see beauty in a mirror.

S., this is easy for me to say from here, but don't take it to heart. Any Mom who says this about their child has serious issues, probably with her own self esteem. It doesn't sound like she's a very healthy person for you to be around.

I would focus on finding some supportive friends and a good therapist. You'll learn not to set yourself up by telling her things that she can't criticize you about. Or at least how to deal with it or respond to it and not let it affect you so much.

Sending hugs Mama~~

Your mother has MAJOR problems.......

Please don't let her tear you down. Her constant negativity is what has probably led to your lower self-esteem.

I'm sorry that she has continued to treat you with such poor respect.

S.,
Know this. Your Mother lives in fear. The way she sees the world is skewed. Don't believe her. She has her demons and as her daughter you must understand that even if you love her she has her own issues that you must protect yourself and your children from her negativity.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Without seeing you I know that you ARE beautiful in that you "would never tell" your daughter something like this knowing it would hurt her.

Create or find yourself a group of women to meet once a month and discuss these hurts and how to deal with your Mom. Choose positive loving women to join you in this group and work to beef up your self esteem. You ARE worthy, no matter what your Mom says.

well, I'm very sorry you have a sh*tty mom. it's too bad you are devastated over what someone else thinks of you. That is the first thing you should work on. I used to tell my daughter, "if someone calls you an orange... do you magically turn into an orange? No, so if someone calls you *xyz* then you aren't that either". Try to think of that.

However... to tell someone that (especially your own daughter) is rude and I would never do that. However, I don't focus on telling my daughter anything about how she LOOKS.... because she can't help how she looks. So I focus on things like - I like how you did your eye-makeup... brings out the green. Whether or not someone is "pretty" or "beautiful" is subjective, so that's not what I tell my daughter.... but that's me.

It sounds like you have bigger issues with your mom, than just this incident. How have you sought help to increase your self-esteem? You might want to see a counselor... at you can get any number of self-help books that will help you not care what other think of you.

You don't say your age.

I am older but can relate to your comment. I lost my mom when I was 9 and lived with my aunt (mom's sister) after my dad died - 14. My dear aunt had a way of bringing anything I said or did down. She would go on about being fat and being this and being that.

After several years of living with her and attending secretarial school, I spoke with the school psychologist and she told me to do my own thing and not include my aunt in any of my plans. That was the best thing I ever did. I also was in a Cinderella situation where a different niece was the prized child. I could never do anything right BUT I survived, got married, moved away and lived half way around the world.

My aunt was a very opinionated individual. She died about two months after I got married. All I can remember my whole life is that she was a lonely, bitter, old woman. She had no children and had no idea how to relate to teens. A mom of a girlfriend was who I would speak with for questions.

So you are not alone. Love your mom from afar. Get counseling if needed, make a new of friends and live. Life is too short to wish for and hope for things.

I never heard from her lips that I was pretty or beautiful. Not even in my wedding dress.

the other S.

PS Have a great weekend.

I hope you can see past your mother's hurtful words and realize this isn't true. That was a mean, cruel thing to say to anyone, let alone your own daughter. I would never, ever, say that to my daughter.

It's wonderful that someone in the office likes you, so take that to know that your mother is wrong! I don't know you, but please, do not take those words to heart. You deserve better than that.

I'm sorry that your mother said that to you. No, I wouldn't say that to my daughters, or my granddaughters. Not to my boys, either.

Is your mother the sort of person who talks that way to others, not just you? Some people have that style of talking, and they have no idea what the fallout of their words can be. On the other hand, some people occasionally take out their own bad feelings on others - especially when the others have something wonderful to communicate, as you did. And, sadly, there are some folks who are nothing but negative. You can't do a thing with 'em.

You're thirty years old and you're a mother. You're a grown-up. How can you RESPOND to such statements instead of just reacting? One thing you can do is to understand completely that just because your mother says it doesn't mean it's true. She doesn't know the person in your office. You do.

Do you have any caring, positive, upbeat friends you could talk to? If you have, talk to them about this. Ask your friends what they do when they're told unkind, rude personal things.

If you don't have such friends, you need some. Would you consider talking to a counselor about it? Sometimes an impartial opinion is just what a bruised person needs.

(And if one of your positive, upbeat friends should say, "Well, your mother's dead wrong, but you *could* use a new hair style," don't consider that a negative, hurtful response. That's a good response, and something a good friend can say.)

Don't listen to her. She is obviously a miserable, cruel, witch...who has to tear others down, to make herself feel better.

Of course not. Your mom has issues, to say the least. If I were you, I would limit the amount of information I give her. I would NOT give her details of my life so she can use it against me. I would keep conversations to the weather and the basics about the kids and that's it. Lesson learned. I'm sorry your mom said that to you. Good luck.

My mom was very focused on how people look also: if there was a tennis match between a good looking guy and a less good looking guy (and all those tennis players are in super shape, so she must have focused on the face) then she would want the good looking one to win. She asked me one time if my husband would not love me better if I lost some weight (and yes I should lose about 25 pounds - she seemed to believe I did not know). I told her that I thought her focus on external beauty was very superficial, and that if my husband was disfigured due to an accident I would not love him any less and after 25 years of marriage I understand her feels the same way. She was 88 and I was 51, so I felt I should be able to be honest with her.
But her inquiry was meant well, with my health and love in mind. Your mom sounds like it came from a very mean place. Even people who are not "beautiful" in the People magazine way can be beautiful based on character or voice or other features. I have a friend who, if you saw her picture you would not say she was a beauty, but men flock to her based on her charisma and intelligence and outgoing nature. The way she presents herself she obviously feels very attractive and sexy, and it works. So love yourself and amazingly others will see the beauty in you. (((hugs)))

you have a mean mom. but you're 30, and it's time to accept that fact and find your own validation.
i don't think mothers should gush over their kids and make their looks into a Big Thing. pretty is as pretty does. but there's no need to be 'honest' in a hurtful way.
i'm sorry yours is mean.
khairete
S.

Your mom is a bully. Her words are terrible and I feel sorry that you have to listen to them. Find people who are there to emotionally support you and don't talk about any in depth with your mean mama.

Beauty is not only in the eye of the beholder but it radiates from the inside out and obviously your mom does not radiate beauty because a beautiful person would never say such a thing.
It is my bet that you are beautiful - your mother sounds like she has poor self esteem and is projecting her feelings about herself onto you. She is not a happy person - happy people do not try to bring others down.

You are beautiful, tell yourself everyday - look in the mirror and find something beautiful about yourself each day - repeat it through out the day

You may need to distance yourself from your mothers toxic behaviour - Do not own her negativity.

You are beautiful - I want you to write down " I am beautiful" and put it somewhere you will see it every day!

When your mother tells you that you are not beautifl or that you are fat - say to her - I am beautiful and my body is beautiful and hang up the phone!

Someone from the office thinks you are beautiful - spend time with people who make you feel that way!

My mother did the same thing to me. She told me she didn't want to be become conceited. She also never valued my emotions. If I was upset or hurt by something I was told 'so what'.

I was raised by two narcissistic parents. If had an interest in something, I was stupid for being interested. I was expected to be a carbon copy of my Mom.

It is hurtful and very damaging to the self esteem. It took many years of counseling to overcome this. I recommend you look for a counselor to help you work through this and to do some reading on narcissistic parents.

You reached out! Good for you!
Consider this a day of triumph! Your mom is one sick puppy. You now are questioning her pronouncements. That's a great start to recovering your self esteem she stripped away. Try a counselor that can help sort all this out.

While you are doing that, you need to set boundaries with your mom.
For one thing, quit telling her your business. Nothing personal. You are over sharing with her out of habit.

You set how often you want to see her, how you want to communicate and how often. Don't let her guilt you into listening to her. The min she starts, you have other things to do. She starts ranting on the phone, you ring your doorbell and plead company. If she starts in an email, set it so all hers goes to the trash. You are protecting your emotional well being, not punishing her. You are smart to do that.

Good luck on the rest of your life!

One of my FORMER pals once told me that she was surprised that my ex husband (who was handsome) chose someone who looked like me. Wow. You cant dump mom, but you can distance yourself!

My first thought is your mom is jealous. She's using hurtful words to make her feel better. Don't listen to her.

I would not say that to ANYONE let alone the two beautiful girls I intend to love, encourage and support for the rest of my life.

Your Mom has some real issues. Maybe some distance from her would be a good thing for you. If she's the person who raised you it's no wonder you have self esteem issues. You're a big girl now, make your own choices and don't include your hateful Mother in them.

Interesting that her put down of your looks comes at the moment when you tell her a guy clearly finds you attractive. If it's mutual have fun getting to know him and share the details with a girlfriend NOT your Mother.

You don't need that kind of negativity in your life, cut her loose until she can learn to act like a civilized human being.

I am so sorry she said this to you.
No, I would never ever say this to another human being.
Don't listen to her.
She obviously has issues. What might help you deal with this is to go to
a counselor a few times. They have the tools to help you deal with your
mother. Her issues could be self esteem based, what happened to her
as a child or just plain old mean behavior.
Regardless, disregard what she says.

Without even reading the other responses, all I can say is - what your mother said isn't about you, it's about some issue SHE has. No mother in her right mind would say this to her daughter. Could be jealousy, could just be the crazies, but seriously - please don't believe this. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Love yourself and everything else will follow.

Stop seeking validation from your mother. I'm sorry she said that to you. Without knowing more about her, I won't even begin to armchair analyze her.

S.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

No. I would not say something like that to my child.

beauty is in the eye of the beholder....

I'm sorry your mom didn't know unconditional love and understanding.

Your mother is mean-spirited. She does not control you at age 30 - pity her, limit your contact, and do not allow someone that shallow to devastate you. She is past the point of learning to be a good mother. Someone from the office likes you? Great. Stop telling your mother any personal info - she's not there to support you, for whatever reason. Find good friends especially older women who can be surrogate moms for you and bolster your self-esteem. Your mother has the problem - you don't have to accept it as your own. I say this as someone who has never measured up to a mother's high regard - I realize it's HER problem, not mine.

Time for you to tell your mom she is a mean and pathetic person and distance yourself from her. I don't mean to sound harsh if you love your mom and want to stay close to her, but anyone who says those things to a daughter has no acceptable excuse.

I'm sorry for the pain and damage she has done with her cruel words. I hope you can find it within yourself (and get whatever help you need) to love yourself and dismiss her awful words which have no truth and nothing to do with you. I don't know why she chooses to bring you down but it's not what good people do to anyone-their own children included.

It sounds like your mom has issues of her own to say something like that to you. None of us are perfect and our loved ones should be the ones to accept us and cheer us on when we're down on ourselves. Don't let it get to you as hard as it is. Just because she's your mom doesn't make her right.

I think you only do that if you don't feel good about yourself or are otherwise a cruel person. And your looks aside, who says you have to be beautiful to attract and deserve love? That is just plain silly. I'm so sorry she hurt you. She must be hurt or broken in some way herself to do that.

Everyone deserves love and happiness. Whether you are young/old, poor/wealthy, ugly/beautiful, fat/skinny; you get the picture.

I truly hope your mother meant: "well of course he would like you, look in the mirror at what a beautiful person you are".

I would never tell my daughter or my son anything of the sort. I tell my kids they are the most handsome boys in the world. Tell your mother what is ugly is the things that comes out of her mouth. S., do not listen to her. You have people in your life that love you, and you have the love of your daughter, and now you have someone interested in possibly dating you. You do not need the acceptance of your mother to validate anything in your life. Hold your head up high and thank the good Lord that you didn't inherit her personality.

I know that your mother's opinion is important to you but if she has always been negative and your have grown up with this I would not confide in her or share personal information with her. You are beautiful and no one even our mothers should make us feel less than. Feel pride in yourself and try to refrain from giving your mother the opportunity to put you down!!

no-that would be ugly-take care-do something nice for yourself-you deserve it!

No, I don't think you should ever say that. I think there are ways to discuss weight in a positive, constructive way and that it is ok to talk about it, but not to put someone down or outright call them fat.

As for beauty, they say "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and that "beauty comes from the inside." If you're a good person, that is beauty. Perhaps it is your mom who is lacking.

Sounds like my MIL. "Ouch!" She thinks any woman weighing more than 100 lbs. or has large "e-hems" is fat. She calls her grandson "stupid" and proceeds to tell him that is why he has a "S***** job." I personlly would never do that, because I feel everyone is beautiful in their own special way and that I find most (not all) pretty people rather shallow and lacking good social/communicaiton skills. Yes my DH is cute; however, he isn't perfect and he's not one of those "pretty boys." I wouldn't want a "pretty boy," because they have too many girl friends. Anyhow, what your mom said really doesn't matter. I'll be if you really look at her, she's not perfect either. The cool think is that someone else thinks "you're pretty hot." Come on let's admit it. You may not feel it, but the person that has asked you out thinks highly of you; otherwise, he would have never asked you out. Just shrugg off what your mom said and get read for that date. Do you nails up, put on some make-up, curl your hair, and dress in an outfit that makes you feel good about yourself and ignore your mom. Go have fun girl!

Did she actually say "you aren't beautiful and you are fat" like your first sentence indicates? or did she say "don't you have mirror?" whereas she could have been indicating something else? What DID she say and what was the context?

To answer your question, no I would never tell my daughter that. First off, everyone is beautiful in their own way. Secondly, like most little girls think their mom is beautiful so do most moms think about their daughters. Thirdly, I tell my daughter she's beautiful, smart, and sweet all the time.

If your mom was joking, maybe you took it wrong. Otherwise, if she told you that you were fat you could have said "I maybe be fat but you're just mean....at least I can !"

I would never ever do that. Its wonderful that someone from your office likes you. This person from your office sees some greatness in you. I bet there are many great qualities about you.

My MIL will say mean things like your mom did to someones face. I have learned after 11 years to either not respond at all or to walk away and not respond. You will find a way to deal with her. I sometimes wonder if something happened to make her this way.