So Lost, Losing My Best Friend...

My husband and I have been together for almost 21 years and married for 10 1/2.
One thing I learned a long time ago was that you can not change a person, you can only change yourself and how you perceive things. When ever there is an issue in our relationship I step back and say to myself : what can I do to help change the situation, am I adding to the problem or helping to find a solution? When we turn and take a look at ourselves, often we find that we are part of the problem, and on occasion we may be almost the entire problem.
If this is the man you are serious about spending the rest of your life with, then the 2 of you better sit down and have a real good talk. It would not be fair to the children to drag this out if you are not planning on staying with him.
You need to know what you expect from him and what you are willing to give to this relationship. Every relationship requires a lot of hard work, compromise and sacrifice. It can be exhausting, but beautiful.
I would think hard. If you two are not compatible than you need to decide your next step. I wish you luck.

Ask yourself these questions..
"Are you better off with him or without him"
"Are you being the best you can be?"
"How can you be better?"
"How is this affecting your children"
"Do you want your children to be in a relationship like this?"
"What advice would you give them?"

What are your priorities in life?
Home
Children
Religion
Family
Being right
Being the boss
Being a couple
Being Happy
Being content

What are you willing to do to meet these goals?
It is all about you. You have the power to be happy.

Why so stubborn?? Try to breath and pick battles that are important, like life and death. I learned that men are pretty simple. Before you go and be verbal with your mate, take 10 deep breaths and think of something good! He will catch on. Good guys are hard to come by, dont lose your best friend over petty stuff. Keep your kids in the home and person they think as their dad. Sometimes it just takes one of you to start changing. What did you like about this man to begin with......look for what you love in this man. A new day-a new start! Get back in zinc with each other. Start by just kissing this man and no fighting. If your annoyed by him and its really not a big deal, go for a nice walk. good luck !

What do your friends observe about your relationship? On this forum, it's very difficult to get a clear view of the dynamic of your relationship, not to mention the fact that we only get to hear your side of the story (and, quite frankly, he sounds like an inconsiderate jerk - however you do also mention that he's a great father and your best friend. It's a little hard to reconcile those things from where I sit). I am curious as to the people that are truly around you and see your dynamic up close; friends, family, coworkers, etc.
As for the books that were recommended, 'The Care and Feeding of Husbands' by Dr. Schlessinger IS a good guide to feeding and caring for your relationship - but specifically, a married one. The reason I bring this up at all is because the whole point of the book is that this man has cherished you and chosen you to be his wife, he works hard to support the family, this is how to cherish him back and show your appreciation for those things. Your boyfriend does not sound, from your posts, like this kind of man. He seems self-absorbed, unwilling to join himself in matrimony to you, and I also know from some of your previous posts that he hasn't always been the one taking care of you financially (which leaves you making the money AND taking care of everyone, which just sucks). Good book though it may be, I don't think it necessarily applies to your situation. Still worth the read, though.
I think a big part of making this situation a success is that you both need to make some permanent decisions. So far he hasn't married you or adopted your children that call him 'daddy' (at least, that you've mentioned). Do you want this for the next five years? Ten years? Twenty years? If he isn't willing to make some of these permanent decisions you should walk away from this, difficult though that may be. You are an intelligent woman who deserves to be truly wanted by a man, and treated like a beloved wife. Not taken for granted and ignored.
Good luck with your mediation. I really do hope all works out well for you both.

I agree that the people who have said to stop fighting have a good point. Fighting is the wrong tool. I have what may seem like a strange suggestion. Get a couple of books about exotic animal training methods from Amazon. Try to read them with the perspective "this could apply to a human too" in mind.

The reason I suggest this is that it is clear to me from all the fighting that you've both become very verbal about the struggle you're in, and that you have some deeply ingrained verbal ruts that you're locked into, which is really what you mean when you say that you're both stubborn. You need mostly non-verbal tools that you can try to apply.

And you also need some time and patience. The storm is worst before the dawn. It's painful now, but if you can hold on, you can probably win through to a happier place. Look for any information that you can find about non-verbal behavioral change tools. They are often easier to find in the world of animal training where the critters can't be reasoned with. Assume your husband is shamu for a while. You've exhausted the talking, strained that tool to the max in every argument, and many little things are being taken personally because of the verbal patterns you are repeating. Your therapist will help you with your verbal stuff if you give it time. In the mean time, try your best to stop relying on your words.

Here are a couple of start points. http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html is an awesome article on the subject, which references a book you might want to read. Even dog training books you can get at your local pet store may offer you some insights if you can read looking for ideas. And there is a book called "The 5 love languages: how to express heartfelt love to your mate" or something about like that, which you can order from Amazon. It is about how we do for others as we would like done for us and why that doesn't work but can give us clues about what will work in a marriage. Many of the options are non-verbal. It's written by a minister. If you're not religious, just ignore the parable quality as much as possible. His points are still good even if the religious component is a little heavy.

Beyond that, I think it would do you well to stop yourself before you argue about anything else and ask the question "Do I need to lock on and take this one all the way to the mat, or is it okay to do no more than say 'I disagree, but it's not worth us fighting right now. I find it too exhausting.'" And then stick to it. Walk to a different room, go back to doing dishes, or whatever you need to. You've lodged your disagreement. If he really wants to know, he will ask. At which point you can ask if he's up to talking about it without a fight right now, or if it should wait. That should at least somewhat help to reduce the fight load you're struggling with.

Stop "fighting" and start being loving, trying to remember and focus on his good qualities. Not saying you're wrong about anything, I just know the fighting part doesn't work.

Men rarely change.

p.s. - the Dr. Laura advice is actually pretty good, despite what you might think about her. The truth is, most men are pretty simple, and when you act like you like them (not like there are a million things about them that bug you, like many of us women act), they are usually pretty compliant and pliable.

Your boys need you to make this work.

You don't go into the "issues" but say it is "just the simple, stupid, everyday issues that are destroying us." If this is true then it sounds like compromising is your biggest issue. Maybe it's not really that simple, but if it is... trying being the bigger man and letting go of a few things. Refuse to argue. Laugh off what you can and try it his way. Or do it your way and let him do his thing his way. Sometimes all it takes is one person becoming a positive instead of negative, and then like a domino theory the other man falls in line.

My husband and I have been married for 8.5 years. Something someone told me was to never stop dating. When was the last time you and your boyfriend went on a date? Just go out to dinner, a walk in the park, some place where you can talk, relax, etc... I don't know your beliefs, but have you talked with a pastor? Two books that have really helped my marriage are "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman and "Love and Respect" by Dr Eggriches. If you read them together with your boyfriend or separately, that's ok, but they will answer one of the biggest reasons why you feel the need to fight over the little things. Hope this helps and I'll be praying for you.
God Bless.

I understand completely where you are coming from. I would look at it this way, what advice would you give your best friend in this situation? Would you recommend that she stay or go? This is a truly difficult situation for many parents. Unfortunately, I'm sure my relationship could benefit from the responses too.

Last year I was you, not knowing if my 10 year marriage was really worth the fight to save. It was, and we kept pushing, and our family is together and happy once again. It takes a lot of work, but it can be so worth the fight.

Hi R.!

If your problems are everyday kinds of things that seem to pop up in all relationships I would suggest that you do what I did. Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Slesinger. I don't like everything she says, and I do not buy the reason she says this has happened (she blames the women's movement) but she could not be any more dead on about what makes men tick and how to keep your relationship going strong.

Men are very simple creatures. When I followed her advice, my husband became the man I wanted (mostly) and all the smaller stuff did not matter so much because he really would swim through shark infested water to get me lemonaide, just because I figured out how he ticks. He even says that Dr. Laura has men down to a tee...give it a try. Just seeing you read the book might make him happy!

M.

Firstly, I'd like to ask "when" was he your best friend and "why" was he your best friend? Did the relationship develop before the kids became involved? ie., when times were much less "complicated" and more "easy/breezy"? When times are hard it's easy to forget what brought you together in the first place. If you are BOTH open and willing to work not only on your relationship but also yourselves then yes, you probably can make a go of it but get ready for what may be a long road. Based on your prior posts, it sounds as if he has been fairly self centered which may be causing alot of the issues between you all. This may sound crazy.....but take a moment to yourself and ask yourself 3 questions about your relationship with him: 1. What does my head say? 2. What does my heart say? 3. What does my spirit say? Allow yourself to listen to yourself and "feel" your intuition/gut/soul speaking to you. And give yourself "honest" answers........I have been through hell and back with my husband for the past 8+ years working on ourselves and our relationship and we're still working but my gosh we've both made such progress and I'm sure you'd be happy to have a man around that actually is interested in how he can help :-) Good luck!