My Fiance's Two Grown Son's Living with Us.

You know what, I was in exact the same situation as you a month ago. I gave up and finally came up to my husband's daughter and told her that she either have to go or I will leave and find me and my son a new place. My husband didn't know that I told her that. She is 27 and been living with us for 4 years. She won't flush her toilet and makes all kinds of excuse like trying to save some water! Ridiculous! it worked though. She is now out and I am living happily without her:)

These are not children and since they are showing no respect or appreciation for a free roof over their heads your fiance is not helping them by letting them loaf around. I would suggest (strongly) that you and your fiance draw up a contract of what is expected from them and have them sign it with the understanding that if they fail to adhere to it, they must get out. And stick to it. It should include that they are not allowed in the house during regular business hours, if they don't have a job, they should be out looking for a job in addition to the chores that are expected of them on a regular weekly basis and no female guests for sleepovers. Spell it all out.

Personally, they are too old to be living off their Dad anyway and really should be given 2 weeks to get out. There are shelters they can live in that would do them more good than you and their father.

Your fiance is setting them up to be failures for the rest of their lives and the message being sent to your son is that it is okay to be a looser and take advantage of you. Even if he is good now, the message being sent to him is detramental!!!!

And your drinking? This is a big problem. You need to do something about this now. If your fiance won't kick them out or make them shape up you should really think about the bigger picture and face the fact that perhaps he is not the man for you. Maybe you need to put the house up for sale and save yourself and your son. I can't even imagine the damage being done to him.

You are harming yourself and your son by allowing this situation to continue. Your "fiance" is enabling his sons, which is not helping them either. I think you need to sit down with your fiance, help him see that he is not doing his sons any favors by allowing them to avoid growing up, and explain that the situation is detrimental to you and your son and needs to be resolved. Your first priority has to be your son and yourself. The boys need to move out, or he needs to move out with them if he wants to continue to provide a home for them under the current terms. If his sons are willing to become contributing, responsible members of the household, that would be different, but I suspect that is not realistic.

Please don't be offended, but I think you need to consider getting some help. It sounds like you are in a relationship where your partner is not faithful (you mention extra-marital affairs) and you are drinking to help you sleep. You deserve better, and your son deserves better, and some counseling might help you work through this difficult time.

It sounds like it is time to get out of this relationship. The problem isn't just with your fiance's sons. You are not even married yet and your fiance is having affais? That is not going to change after you get married.
As for the sons, it is your fiance's choice to let them live with him - they are his sons. If this is not a choice you can live with, you need to end the relationship and move out. Again, nothing is going to change after you get married. You two will just be fighting about this issue all the time and cause another divide in your relationship.
I know this is hard to hear and is a big decision. I can tell you are a strong, independant woman who can handle tough times. I really think ending the relationship is in your best intrest. This is the only life you have and you don't have to settle.

Hope this helps!

Dear Ofelia, You need to read Dr Laura Schlessinger's book Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives. I hope you do not have a minor child in the household with your boyfriend and his real gem of offspring. If you do, get that child out of their now. These boys are a terrible influence. If your boyfriend really loved his kids he would do the tough love. My parents did that with my stepbrother when he was an addict. He cleanedd up his act, got married, and unfortunately died young from a heart attack from too many years on drugs. If you still want to live in this household, wait until your minor child can live somewhere else. It sounds like you need a lawyer to sell the house to get out. If your finance really respected you, he would have married you. There is no good solution to your problem. For your son's sake, get out now!

Ofeia... these guys are not your" why" for drinking. You Can be a causative person in your life.

Speak up! and if you loose your fiance. He was not comparable ( as bright and sane as you)

You know what to do, don't use alcohol to become brave or carefree... CONFRONT, face the issues in your life and think about the long term survival of everyone involved.

These boys must go out and create their own life, to have any self worth, you must stop using others as your why and start shaping your life into something you van be proud of.

Love H.

I agree with Cheri. Read Dr. Laura's book: 10 stupid things women do to mess up their lives.
Your "Significcant Other" is not marriage material or even boyfriend material. Get out. Your life and you son are the most important! Leave. You can deal with the legal aspect of the house Title when you're out. You have legal rights and you don't have to live in a damaging environment until you figure that out. Legal issues take time and you can work on that when you're in a healthy environment.
Please get out, read the book, and help create a healthy life for you and your son.

why are you putting up with any of this; an unfaithful husband to be with his leech sons. Get out now, it's not going to get any better, i'm sure you realize that deep down.

I am the mother of 6 kids and I have grown children living with me too. I have a rule at my house and everyone will abied by it or move on (my youngest is 13 and that includes him). If you are not working or going to school then you are locked out of the house until which time you have secured a job. Believe me one or two night with a blanket and pillow trying to sleep in a car in the drive way and they will accept that job at Mc Donalds or else where, and that they are not "too good" to work there. they will become humble and I will not be supporting society missfits. Even with legal issues you can get a job, it happens every day! It is a matter of being willing to do the jobs available and if you do not demand they work they wont, it is human nature to be lazy. Everyone in my home contributes to the household or do not live there. I have the number for the local church and they residental programs number on the fridge so they know I am serious. I am also a mother so there are give and take circumstances but I don't let them take advantage either. PS: if you really want out take your name off the lease with your landlord and you will not be liable anylonger. There are other places out there so weigh your options and make a decision, you can do anything you put your mind to, you just have to want it bad enough!

can you do anything? i mean really, is there anything you can do about it? Leave and serve eviction papers on them. How else would you legally get your interest in the house?

First of all, I don't think it's advisable to get between a parent and their children. You'll lose.

I was a single mom for 12 years, and my son and I were also very close, tho he was far from ideal. You're a lucky mom. How does your fiance feel about your son walking into the bedroom any time tho? I can't imagine any man that wouldn't have a problem with that.

Clearly you have a choice to make --and quickly, from the sound of it. Marriage still won't give you the ability to kick those boys out (especially if having half ownership in the house already isn't doing it), so I'm guessing the problems will just get worse. I'd suggest going to your fiance and talking to him. See if something can be worked out with his boys, and if not, then let him know that it's time to sell the house, and then pack your bags. I'm hoping that you don't need legal assistance to get him to sell (or buy your half from him) but it might be necessary.

I wish you all the luck in the world!

Hi Ofelia,

You and YOUR SON are your priority. Your house is very toxic right now. And you have chosen to deal with your pain, issues, frustration, resentment, anger with alcohol. This is very dangerous for you. Ofelia, I want you to live a healthy life for you and your son.

1st, your name is on the title so you have a LEGAL right to say what happens in that house.

2nd, talk to your significant other alone. Let him know exactly how you are feeling...disrespected since his adult children bring their girlfriends over, they don't work consistently, nor do they contribute to the household via chores or financially. Tell him that you both need to talk to then and you need your significant others TOTAL SUPPORT AND BACKUP. He needs to lay the law down with his sons. If he can't do that in any way, you need to be prepared to leave with your son and take your home equity with you.

3rd, you don't want or need negative influences around your son.

Ofelia, you just don't marry your significant other, you marry his family. If this is any evidence of what your life is going to be like when you marry, it will only get worse if he (your fiance) can't put his foot down and practice "tough love". You are young, you are only 10 years older than your fiance's eldest son, girl, go live your life and find another man that will love you and your son unconditionally.

Ofelia, your heart is in this, but your significant other hasn't stepped up to the plate to marry you. Sounds like his sons lack the same committment with their work ethic. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. So don't eat the fruit and put down the bottle!

If you choose to stay, I agree with Madeline M, you and your fiance should draw up a contract that CLEARLY states the conditions of living in the home (working, contributing financially, no girlfriends spending the night, etc). If your fiance and/or his sons can't handle this, then it's time for all three of them to go or pack your bags and hit the road with your son.

Seriously you need to get out of that relationship. You cant "put up with extramarital affairs". He is putting you at risk of STDs and thats only part of it--what about your emotional well-being? Maybe you could look into moving in with some family temporarily.
You should not put up with being treated like that. There are wonderful men out there who were raised to love and respect their wives faithfully. I am married to an awesome, faithful man. They do exist.
A good place to find support, encouragement and spiritual guidance is your local church. A nice by-product is that kind, gentle men tend to be there too. Good luck and God bless.

You are digging a hole for yourself and your son. You need to talk to your fiance and tell him strait out that this situation is not acceptable and if it does not change you will seek the advise of a lawyer. Right now, his 2 leaches are busy destroying not only their own lives but everyone else's as well. Their is no painless outcome here, either your fiance feels bad because his son's might have to do something for thenselves, or you become an alcoholic to escape the misery of living with them. Time to fight for your son's piece of mind and remove yourselves from the house. If your fiance loved you then he would see what this is doing to you and put a stop to it.
H. Stanley

First of all, it sounds like neither you nor your fiance are comfortable with setting and enforcing appropriate boundaries, and both would benefit from counseling in that area. New knowledge, understanding and skills are in order. Additionally, it sounds like your fiance is enabling his children's unhealthy lifestyles and rewarding their poor choices, while at the same time disrespecting your relationship. Personally, I would sit down with the fiance and explain that the situation is unacceptable, that his grown children need to leave within 30 days, and the consequences of their not leaving, will be that either the police are called to escort them out or your relationship cannot continue.

Best wishes