Sinking in About Being One and Done

Isn't life sad sometimes? I'm having a heartbreak of my own right now, which I don't feel like divulging, but I'm with you. I keep telling myself this too shall pass. Hope you feel better soon.

I thought I was totally done... than 4 years passed and we now have a little precious baby. Time will tell. Just embrace what you have now, than if it ever happens, you will be thrilled. If it doesn't happen, than you will be happy too, as the wonderful mother you are!

i support you, to a point. what i mean is, i am absolutely 100% pro-one-and-done. i have very strong feelings on the matter. i also get frustrated with all the boo-hoo'ing about not having more. so while i understand your disappointment (i even have moments of it myself, believe it or not!), you will have to let yourself grieve if that's what you choose to do - and then get over it.

do you honestly think more children = more happiness? it doesn't. you either are happy or you're not. IF you truly think that more children = more happiness, then logically you believe that fewer children = LESS happiness. what DOES that say about your attitude toward your daughter? that she's not enough? that she doesn't "make" you happy? i know you would disagree with that.

NO PERSON CAN MAKE YOU HAPPY. not even one you give birth to. YOU decide to be happy or not to be. that's the god's truth. i know this is a tough issue, we are biologically created to procreate. i get it, trust me! i feel the pull too. but it's hormonal. that's all. it's not logical, it's not your heart. it feels like your heart, but it's not. it's biological instinct. once you realize that and truly look at all the blessings you've already been given - strive to find it within yourself to make it enough.

good luck. i don't mean this to sound mean spirited, it's not. trust me when i say i KNOW what you're feeling. but i also know that when i look into my son's eyes, it shames me to realize i could ever feel he's not enough for me. he's everything. he's perfect (ok he's not perfect, i'm just saying from a mother's standpoint, he's perfect.) we were given this perfect little miracle. how can we in good conscience ask for more than that? hang in there. work on this within yourself. you'll be much happier once you do.

ETA after reading some of the responses. people with more than one child (or tons of kids) may always look at you with pity and bemoan your bad luck. that's not supporting you. that's bs imo. we all have our own paths. see above. no PERSON can make you happy. happiness comes from within. pity has no place in my life. i really wish even those with a crapton of kids could just BE supportive without encouraging the wallowing. life is GOOD. all our lives are GOOD. life can be GOOD with ANY number of children - or even *gasp* NO children. "having more" (of ANYTHING) does NOT = MORE happiness.

i really wish this country would get over the idea that MORE OF EVERYTHING IS BETTER!!! YOU CAN'T BE HAPPY WITHOUT LOTS OF EVERYTHING!!!! MOREMONEY MORESTUFF MOREKIDS MOREEVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

it really doesn't have to be that way.

Look for the silver lining.
There's a lot that's very positive about having one child.
At one point I thought I'd have several kids but then it took IVF to have our son and then I fell so in love with him I started to think how horrible it would be for him to have someone to compete and fight with all the time (my sister and I battled with each other our whole lives).
I just could not do that to him.
One child is really just perfect for us and I'm completely over any disappointment about it.
Sometimes we're about as happy as we make up our minds to be.

I always thought I would have 4 kids. Not sure why, but that's what I imagined. I have 2 amazing boys, and I'm finally ok with that. It was a combination of the reality of how much work it is to have kids, how old I would be considering there are usually a couple of years between kids, the financial realities ... just lots of things you don't think about or even know about when you're 9 years old and playing house.

It is hard, and it is totally normal. You kind of have to grieve the loss of what you thought your life would be. I think it's a process. Overtime, you will hopefully see all of the great things about the way your life has worked out. But what you are feeling is perfectly normal.

There are definitely more of you/us out there.

even though we all 'know' there are pros and cons to everything, it's always particularly hard when we feel one door closing. i think it's okay to mourn about it for a bit. not a huge depression or pity party, but a genuine period of grief for what will never be. it doesn't mean you don't appreciate what you've got, or that your daughter isn't enough for you. but i think that if you allow yourself to acknowledge, without guilt, the sadness you feel for the particular desire for more children, you'll be better equipped to move forward and really groove on what you do have. don't let people make you feel bad for your sadness, and please don't let the moms-of-many make you feel inferior.
khairete
S.

I have needed support on this issue as well. First, I have to say that I also got the posts from people with loads of kids who said they can't imagine only having one. Really? Thanks for the support! Sheesh.

Anyway, I feel for and with you. We have one due to medical issues, and it's been a process of acceptance for us. Give yourself permission to have your ups and downs. I feel like I tried to wrap up my feelings and be done, and it just won't work like that. I have my sad moments, but letting myself see the pros has helped as well. For example, when I see parents at school splitting their time between kids performances and conferences, etc., or one parent attending one kid's sport while the other attends the other, I feel pretty happy. I don't have to divide my time at all. My DD gets 100% of me and I miss nothing. I love that, and so does she. She's old enough to tell me about a kid who was sad because one parent missed this or that to be with a sibling. Of couse the kids end up fine, this is not scarring. But I am grateful to be the 100% of the time. Try to find pluses to that. Another example- my sister recently visited with her two kids. Her DD wanted her to read a bedtime story and she said she couldn't because she had to bathe and get the baby to bed. Again I felt relief that my DD has never heard me say that.

My point is that yes, there are times that if you wanted more, this will just stink. Let yourself be sad for what you didn't get. But make sure to let in the moments that should make you happy. Your DD gets all of the attention you have to give. You are less likely to miss a memorable moment with her because you were watching someone else. Find some silver linings- some were offered by posters below.

You are certainly not alone, I hope this helps.

One of my best friends is going through this right now. Giving birth to her first baby nearly killed her, and so Hubby said, nope, that's it, we're done.

She has been sad about it, but she has kind of put it in perspective, too. Now she can give her one-and-only more attention, more opportunities, and even though they are also tight on finances, they would be a lot tighter if she had to divide her money between two or more kids.

I think it is absolutely okay to grieve over this. Cry. Write in a journal. If you need to talk to a therapist, do that too. But don't spend so much time sad about not having another that you forget to appreciate your little angel.

Good luck and God bless.

I was in the same boat as you. I had my first amazing little guy 5 years ago. I always imagined having 4 kids running around and that I was able to stay home and raise them....then I grew up and realized how hard it is and how expensive they are! Don't get me wrong, I loved being pregnant and every stage with my son was a wonderful experience. Last year I turned 40 and had a very strong desire for another one, and after 6 months of thinking about it we decided to give it a try. To makes long story short, I had 2 very early miscarriages and decided that I could be happy with just one. I still think about it, but I want my son to get the most out of life that we can afford. We are able to take him on small vacations, sign him up for extra activities, and send him to private school which is a huge plus in my opinion. I never thought I would only have one and I just think every day how grateful I am to have my son now and how happy he makes me! I know how hard it is, believe me I struggled with it too.

Sometimes we don't know the reason why things don't turn out like we planned or wanted. We have to accept life for what it is and what we can do to fill in the voids.

Having children is a life long dream of most women. When we are able to experience the actual pregnancy and birth it changes us for the rest of our lives. Trying to conceive more children and not being able to is very hard/difficult. Your mind and body are going through all of the ups and downs and your dreams crash and sometimes burn. Once all of the emotion and the physical changes are in check and the results come back that it is not in the cards for you to have more it is hard. But look at it this way, you were able to give life to another human being and this is remarkable all by itself. The health aspect is very important so that you can be alive and care for the one that you have and not leave the child without a mother.

Being a child that had lost her mother at a young age is no fun. You do not have that guiding hand for support. You have to weigh and measure every step you take before you take it because there is no one behind you. You had to sink or swim and live with the results. Is that what you would want for all of your children if you were to have more -- no mommy?

I wanted more after my daughter was about six but the timing and Desert Storm go in the way and I didn't feel I needed that extra burden. Hubby wanted to try but I had already decided what we had was enough and we didn't have that other one. I mourn the thought sometimes but I am much happier not having had that person for the things I could do for the two that I was responsible for.

As another poster mentioned the only person that can make you happy is you. So dig down deep and find something that makes you happy. Take up a hobby or go back to school do something other than dwell on the "lost of another child" as it is not the end of the world. If you feel you have to have that baby thing, go to the hospital and volunteer to sit with the preemies in the NICU to get your fill.

Life is too short and there is so much more to do than just being mommy.

If finances are not set it would be harder and more trouble and/or turmoil in the marriage. Work on getting the financial house in order and building up the nest egg. Revisit this situation in three years if you feel you just have to have that other child. Get a good check up from the doctor before you try again. Physically, maybe your body needs a break to heal itself before it would consider hosting another child.

Above all else be practical and sensible. There is always adoption.

The other S.

:0) I feel for you and now am sad about only having one.

I think this can be very difficult. And more than likely this will continue off and on for quite some time. I think it is perfectly normal. Yet still is a sadness and kind of grieving which is challenging.

I have four. But my sister has one and my life long friend has one and I know they have had to deal with this for years. Many times they've expressed their feelings to me about having one. It took them a very long time to finally be okay with it all the time.

There is a reason for everything. Who knows the bigger picture of it all. Your situation is also enriching, it is a different dynamic with an only child. And in many cases an only child is closer to their parents for all their life.

Like you said, you are grateful, isn't this the important thing, appreication can take us into realms we would have never known existed. LOVE is a big, big word.

Your disappointment will pass. And if you have a need to cuddle a baby you can always volunteer at a hospital or find some other way to get closer to babies. Your want for another one is a natural response. It's like you're struggling with Mother Nature.

The best to you!

I hear you, I feel the same. Circumstances (I'm a single mother at 38 y.o.) make it hard to plan for a second child, which will very likely never happen.
At least you have a potential father (your hubby) so give him some time to see if he feels different and if circumstances change. Life is strange, a year or two can totally turn a situation around, you just never can tell. Don't mention it to him anymore, grieve within yourself (and with dear friends if you want) and if things change (and your body holds) you may have your wish come true. You just never know.

I'm sorry :(

I have 8 and could never imagine stopping at just one. Give yourself some time and the best of luck.

She doesn't need to be your only one. Adopting from the state is a free option, and many children are eligible for stipends. Some of the special needs are really not "special needs" in that sense, but merely hard to place kids. Sibling, group, etc. Older child, etc. While you would need to have finances in order to raise another child, don't let the door close. There are many other ways to have children than simply getting pregnant. Good luck!

My husband was hesitant with every child we have had. I had our sixth at 42. I wouldn't give up so easily. You just never know what tomorrow with bring.