Mother's Day Blues

You get past it by remembering more about her life and happy times rather than thinking only of her death.
It's never too late for grief counseling.

My mom was evil so I don't actually miss her. I will use my grandma, she was the best!

Any time I am down I don't think about why I am down, she is gone. I think about why I miss her, all the good times, the funny things, the reason she was always amazing and I share it with my kids.

My older two remember her but she passed before my younger two were born. They could tell you stories. I find such peace in speaking about my grandma. I have been smiling the whole time I typed this. Try it, it works!

Boy, you are BLESSED to have those wonderful girls! My Mom has passed and the way I get over the sadness on Mother's Day is I try to remember how SHE would want me to be on Mother's Day. She would want me to smile, love my boys and go have some fun and laughter with my family. That is how I STILL give her a Happy Mother's Day. You have a wonderful one. Love on those girls like there is no tomorrow and remember how blessed you are!!!

Sweetie, here's the thing about sadness – actually about any true emotion. They are part of life, and humans just can't be fully alive without them. All of them. (Playing in background: "To everything, turn, turn, turn; there is a season, turn, turn turn.")

Please don't try too hard to "protect" your children from sadness. Teach them how to put it in perspective, how to work with it. Teach them that our souls can best appreciate the light when the shadows are also there. And living only for the goodies makes for shallow people. They sound like pretty great kids!

As for your sadness, I feel that about my grandmother, who stayed home and cared for my sisters and me while my mom worked. Granny was a warm, supportive, giving and patient nurturer, and 30+ years after her death, I still miss her. When that comes on, I spend some time realizing how lucky I was to have her in my life and the things I loved about her, and that turns my feelings around pretty quickly. My mother was a very hard-working, dedicated parent, but extremely harsh and constantly criticizing, punishing, and withholding. I wish I felt more loving toward her – I've been working on that for years.

By the way, there is a process called The Work that has helped me with some pretty significant issues. It uses four questions and a "turnaround" to help users explore difficult feelings they want to heal. Not for everybody, but it can be really amazing when done well. If you're curious, take a look at www.thework.com. The basics process is available for free, and there are a number of videos that show how The Work is done.

May you have a Mother's Day filled with blessings big and small.

I lost my mother to leukemia 22 years ago when I was 17. I will always have a touch of sadness and there will always be things that remind me and get my teary-eyed. My mother never knew me as an adult. She never saw my graduate high school or college. She didn't see me get married and she never met my two kids. She didn't see any of the major milestones of my adult life.

Yeah, it gets easier. You come to an acceptance of the reality. You cannot change the fact that your Mom is no longer here. You CAN be the best Mom that you can be though...that is all that you can do.

If it has been 13 years and you are still struggling, then perhaps you should see a counselor again...

It isn't going to be the same. There's still a sort of hole in you. I think we all adjust to the holes we have in ourselves.

Have you written down everything about your mother? If not, do it - in detail. Write it in a journal or on your computer, but get words on paper (or close enough to it). That will be one of your legacies to your daughters. One day you might want to share how much you remember your mother, why you have feelings of sadness amid the happy days, and how much you appreciate your own daughters.

Please consider yourself hugged.

I still have my mother but am losing her through dimentia. My father died in 2001. I can understand your pain, so sad. But I also want to say something and that is to let your daughter's know you are sad.So many mixed personalities come about when people can identify feelings and yet don't talk.They may not be sad, they may want to know your mother through your eyes. Perhaps it would be a special treat to let them know her more and another dimension of knowing you. HUG so sorry.

I think the best way to deal with it is to accept the fact that sometimes remembering people we lost is going to make us sad and that's ok. It's ok to miss them, it's ok to be sad sometimes when we think of them and it's ok to grieve. It's ok.

It's also a very good idea to allow yourself to feel that sadness ... to a point. When you feel sad, allow yourself to feel sad for a bit, but then do something to try to make yourself feel better. Allow yourself some tears, but then tell yourself, "Ok, I'm done, and I'm not going to dwell on the sadness."

After you give yourself a minute or two to be sad, try to think of a good memory, a happy time, maybe even a time when you laughed together.

It's ok to be sad once in awhile. It's even healthy. But it's not healthy to dwell on it. It's important to remember the good times, too. Remember the things about her that you miss, and focus on those. Remember something that will make you smile.

My mom died in 2011 and I was right by her side when she transitioned into eternal life. Your focus is on how much you miss your mom. I get it but since I suffered so long from depression, I choose every day to focus on how blessed I was to have her as long as I did. I choose to focus on all the laughter and fun we had and not much else. This is what makes the difference for me.

I'm sorry for your loss but it is time for you to celebrate your mom, the memories, and the good times. She wouldn't want you to continue to be so sad, miss her yes but celebrate her life and teach your daughters about their grandmother. Perhaps this year would be a good year to do your mother's favorite thing or go to her favorite place.

Aaaaw, I'm so sorry about your mom. How difficult that must've been for you just a week post partum.

Perhaps you yourself were thusly given 2 precious girls of your own to remind you your own mom wants you to celebrate them, and celebrate her memory with them in a positive happy way thereby keeping her alive in your daily lives.

Showing occasional sadness to your children teaches them empathy. But to keep that empathy from becoming overwhelming, be sure to share your joy and your love of your mom with them as well, ok?

Best to you.

<3

Yes, holidays are a time I think about my brother who died too young and left two young children. Normally I would spend holidays with him, so that is when I miss him. Continue enjoying your daughters and maybe share their grandmom with them if you havent. Have you talked to your daughters about your mother? Share the good memories and say that you are sad she is gone but you believe.... (what ever you believe about the after life) You sound like a great mom, so I think she must have been a great mom, share that with them. Let them know that when people we love pass away we feel sad, but we continue on. We know they would want us to have a good life and not spend all our time grieving.

They say a mothers death is the first death we grieve on our own.
I'm lucky to still have my mom, I know.
But I also was REALLY close to my Grammy.
I miss her still, but it has gotten easier.
Happy Mothers Day to you!

My mom died while I was pregnant with my one and only and he is 11. The last time I saw her was on Mother's Day. I will always be sad that she never met my beautiful son, but grateful that at least she knew I was pregnant.

The gift I gave her days before she died was an ultrasound picture with a frame that read, "Mom's lips, Dad's eyes, Grandpa's chin and Grandma's forever......." I feel a pang of sadness every time I look at that frame.

For me the grief goes in waves. Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I miss her like crazy and I think it may always be like this. But that is okay, because I have my boy and she is watching over us both.

well, for me it does. i'm still struggling with mother's day since this is only my second one without my little mumsie. it's been 40 years since my mom died. i still miss her very much and think about her so often, but hers is no longer that sharp pain. i still double over sometimes when it hits me that mumsie-wums won't be getting flowers from us this year.
i'm glad you appreciate your girls so, and that you make sure they get to pamper you. they're probably aware of your sadness, though. kids are way more perceptive than we give them credit for, and it sounds as if yours are well-tuned to you.
grief is forever, but it shouldn't be crippling forever. 13 years is a long time to hang onto it to this degree. have you considered a different counselor? it's not wrong to be sad, but one does need to develop coping tools so that it's not impacting the overall joy of life.
khairete
S.

My mother died close to Mother's Day too and although I often think of her, Mother's Day is one of the hardest. My mother was truly my best friend, when I called her up with a problem, I would be laughing by the end of the conversation, she had the ability to find the humor in everything. It is the everyday, simple things that I miss. A conversation, a cup of tea together, an opinion. When she first died, I could not stand to be in a mall, whenever I'd see a woman and her mother shopping, I would run out of the store crying, remembering how much fun we had together. I have since gotten over that, I can deal with being in a mall now. For me, it has been 17 years. Life will never be the same, but we don't have a choice and I feel very lucky to have such beautiful memories. Your mother is with you in your heart and mind, nothing can erase that. It sounds like you are passing on the love to your girls.

I know I am late responding but I wish I could wrap my arms around you. I have no answers except to tell you my story. When i was pregnant with my first, my husband was killed in a car accident 5 days before Christmas. That holiday was ruined for me. When I am supposed to get the tree out and the decorations I feel sick because it brings up so much.
Then to add to it. My mom died a year later from breast cancer when I was 24 yrs old. I never had her when I was raising my kids.
I remarried 6 yrs later and have gone on but it is just hard and you need to let yourself feel the pain and get help from a counselor if you can because that helps too. Give the same love and care to yourself that you would give to one of your daughters if they went through something that hard.
You are not the only one....

Yes it's hard. It's especially hard when it's sudden. Both my parents went sudden and I still think of them especially at holiday time.

It does get easier though. Just keep enjoying and loving your daughters as much as you can.

Sometimes you need to privately just let yourself feel what you feel and expend the energy of it. Talk to her and let her know your thoughts and feelings and then let it go. You don't want to hold your mother to earth by your feelings. Give her your love and let go. It is not that scary.

I am so sorry for your loss, I can feel the sadness in your post. I also think that you are trying so hard to force yourself to enjoy your kids that you are fighting against the sadness, which never works. I think you need to allow yourself to feel sad. Maybe even explain to your girls that Mother's Day is a split kind of day for you- a little sadness about your mom (no need to go into depth or anything that will freak them out) but also so much gratitude for them. Give yourself a few moments to honor your mom- light a candle, take a walk and think of her, say a prayer, whatever lets you have that time. And then use the rest of the time to appreciate your sweet girls. Even if you choose not to say anything to them about what you are doing, give yourself the time to be sad about your mom. You are being a good mom and trying to 'white knuckle' through the day, but that really won't work. It's ok to be sad, and it's ok to feel that. And it's ok for your girls to know that you feel that- they probably do anyway, they sound super sweet and loving.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I feel Kimberly F. said it best, if you could talk about your mother to your kids so they know her & you keep her memory alive.
It is never easy to lose someone we love but I think it serves a purpose to remember a life lived.

I choose never to forget those that have moved on before me.
I try to talk about them, remember them every chance I get, get their momentos out so I can cherish them (but I don't always "keep" them out
every day).

I want to remember them but I do give myself permission to put them front & center when I'm ready.

It would be good to see a grief counselor as they have the tools to help you that we do not.

I send you hugs & prayers to help you feel better & be able to remember her w/o so much pain but with the celebration of having lived a wonderful life.

I think you need to let your daughters know that you are still sad about losing your mom; their grandmother. They probably already know something's up (because when you think you are putting on a brave face you might not be doing as good of a job as you think you are).

The part that really sticks out on this is that it's been 13 yrs. Maybe you need to work thru your feelings with a therapist or find a way to channel your feelings into something to honor your mom. Can you do a memorial garden in the yard? Plan a day out with your daughters doing activities your mom loved and eating her favorite foods? Write a poem and leave it at her headstone?

Well we all know the next second is not promised to us.

So, I would suggest you allow your daughter's to see you resilient and pressing forward so that they can learn from your will, strength and determination to keep "living" in times of grief.

I lost my father 24 years ago and I still can't deal with Father's day. I will not go to church that day. One time I forgot it was Father's Day and went to church. I cried during the entire service. Now I know i should have gone to grief counseling and I wish I had. I have no advice for you since I still suffer over my Father. I can only wish you the best.

My adult son is going to church with me and then we will visit my mama, daddy, aunt, and sister at the cemetery after church. Yes, it gets easier in the daily grind. What's hard is the thought that they will not get to see me as a grandma, my son's children, my sons wedding...

T.,

It does get easier. I don't know how long ago it was for your loss. But as the years go on the loss and the pain eases. Think of the all the good times you two had when you were growing up and all the silly things you did to make her laugh. These are the important things.

I know that my mom now looks down on me from above and keeps me on the straight and narrow. She is there for all of my ups and down and is proud of what I have done and will continue to do.

My mom was very ill when I was a child and there were no cures for her then. I was very hurt and a lone for a long time even when in a crowd but I got over it over many years. Now she is a distant memory but a good one. I have also lost my dad and know that they did the best for me they could when they were alive.

Your sadness will change to happiness. There will always be a small hole in your heart for your mom but you will be okay. I promise you that. You have two beautiful girls to prepare and grow up to adults. Take joy in them and live through them the memories you had and the new memories you will make.

Happy Mothers Day to you.

the other S.

PS When I go out I get the white flower that shows that your mom is not alive. My daughter would get the pink one and we would have a great day.