Single Mother, Father in Picture but His New Gf Causing Problems

Why dont you have him visit her @ your house for now

The ONLY thing that matters is the safety of your little girl!!!!
Would you rather see him cry, or your daughter?

You've got a lot of great advise here and I echo a lot of these sentiments:
-- Scale visitation down to one day a week (like Sunday or something) at your place or at a park or something. No visits to his house.

-- Document EVERYTHING that happens. Take pictures if you're concerned that the rashes and scrapes aren't normal 2-year-old things.

I went through a similar, but different, situation where I had to make some tough decisions about my daughter's well being and I'll tell you that her father did everything from cry, give me his "woe is me" schpiel, and (his favorite thing) tell me how irrational I was being and how I was blowing things out of proportion. It was hard, I questioned myself a lot, but looking back I know that taking control was the right thing to do. In my case, he never wanted to just agree with me because that meant he would have to be accountable for actually changing his situation (and I've been the bad guy every since, but it's so worth it).

Oh, and the girlfriend has no rights. NO RIGHTS. If she's trying to enforce rules, she doesn't understand her boundaries and it's perfectly reasonable for you to ensure your daughter stays with you until the woman is no longer in the picture.

Your daughter is waht's important, not him. If you don't already have a custody order in place, let him know that she will not be going over there while the girlfriend is present. He is welcome to visit her at your home, or plan outings with just the two of them, but that the current situation is not healthy for her. You have a right (and obligation) to protect your child.

If you do have a court ordered custody plan, then you may have to involve DCFS. They will not remove her from you, just from him.

Set dates for him to see her, but only at your house, or a date with him and her, but his girlfriend nowhere in sight, shes the problem, not him, but her being there is now a problem, i wouldnt send her there anymore if she is there, put your foot down, its your daughter. Do whats best for her, if you think its not a safe atmosphere for her, then dont let her return, but make sure you tell your ex., that its still o.k. to see her, as long as the new GF, is not around. Good Luck!
A.!

I think your actions so far are admirable, it shows you are thinking of your daughter instead of letting what happened with your ex tear you apart--now, what I think is, since you are afraid that the baby isn't be taken care of well in his house because of his new girlfriend, why can't you have him meet you somewhere and have him take her somewhere for the day(like the park etc)that way he can still spend time with her and you don't have to worry about the new girlfriend not treating her right. I know what you are going thru, I went thru the same thing with my oldest daughters father years ago. Hang in there, as long as you keep thinking on whats best for your little angel, things will be ok!!!!!!

Hi L.,

You say you and your ex are still friends maybe you can suggest that he visit her at your house. He can come over for dinner, play with her on weekends etc. If you are still getting along you might be able to do family outings on the weekends. Then he'ld get the company of his daughter and also realize what he threw away!

Good Luck,
R.

Ditto to what the other respondents said. YOu have to think of your daughter FIRST. Do what you have to legally, custody wise, and get a good lawyer. Your ex's girlfriend is a HAZARD to ALL of them. NOT good. Perhaps get a restraining order against her? Take photos of any marks, injuries, etc, that your daughter comes home with after visiting "their" home... document everything in writing (like a journal) that your daughter tells you, or that you observe, anything that is said, done etc. THIS will be your 'evidence' and proof for yourself AND your daughter, legally and to protect yourself. You have to get something done. Think CLEARLY and with WISDOM... arm yourself with any kind of evidence and knowledge. Do something... never mind the emotional tears or begging or manipulations. Think CLEARLY... then DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOUR DAUGHTER... it's her safety and emotional and mental health that you need to defend. And for your sake too... your daughter is best in your arms. The skanky Girlfriend has no right in this. Take action.
Good luck and take care....
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Hi L.,

I have been in a similar situation and I learned the best thing I could have ever done is ask myself - what is REALLY better for my child? It sounds like your daughter should not be in that environment - nor should you! Stand up for yourself and your daughter - don't ASK him if it would be best for your daughter to not visit him, TELL him it would not be best at this time. You are not being mean - you are protecting your daughter from harm. Children like calm and consistency, not kaos and danger. Here are some great books that really helped me through times like this: CoDependent No More (by Melody Beattie) and Destructive Relationships (by Jill Murray) and Boundaries (by Cloud and Townsend). Hang in there L.!
M.

Knowing the inviroment isn't healthy maybe suggest he come visit at your home. He can bathe her take her to the park. Just word of advice you have to keep reminding him its about the your child not him.
ReNae

Hi there-
I am so sad for you. My little girl is 2 and a half, and that must be so hard. You have to protect her though. And even if he gets teary eyed, you HAVE to be strong to protect her AND you AND him. Help him understand that he may be sad only seeing her for limited visits now, but he'd be REALLY sad if child services got involved because of his poor choices in life right now.
Don't let his guilt impact your decisions.
You sound like you are being rational and not making decisions based on what happened, but based on what is best for your child, and that is exactly what you need to be doing!
So keep up the good work and soon this craziness will be a thing of the past that you don't even think about anymore!
:)
Good luck with it all. And don't forget to be taking care of yourself. We tend to forget the toll that stress takes on our bodies. So you take care of you! Rest often. Relax as much as you can. And be sure to get some YOU time.........massages are great!
:)
S.
www.MomsOnAMission.US

Hey L.,
No you are not being a #ich let me say that first. You are being a mom and that is your job. It seems to me that this new relationship that the father has taken is not a great situation for your daughter. YOU NEED to have this looked at. Don't listen to the police. Go to a lawyer. GET some advice. What you don't want to happen is have this female either expose your child to dangerous situations or not care about her well being at all. I am sorry that this was once a friend but as you can see, she was not your true friend from the begining. I suggest not to have your daughter go there until you can legally find out what is right for your child and you. Because if you allow her to keep going there, when it is time for you to step into the court field the first question they will have is if you thought it was such a bad situation then why did you allow your child to keep going? You being the parent for her. Does that mean that may leave you in bad terms with him or the female... YES! But you should not be worring about that at this time. You need to put your child first. And if the father is not going to make sure his child is getting taking care of then you are the last one to make sure that she is. Don't feel bad and if you do ask your self why are you doing this? And when you see your little child next to you holding you, you will see the answer as clear as day. Get some legal advice, find out what you need to do for your daughter and limit the time she is there until otherwise you feel she is safe again. ALWAYS listen to your inner feelings!! Most of the time you will find that you was right all along!! I hope I have helped somewhat or given you the kick you need to do what you need to do. Good luck. You can always write me if you need to at anytime.

Hey L.,

This is a hard situation you're in but maybe you should sit down with your ex and his gf and explain to them how you're feeling. You should be the bigger person and do things in a calm matter. If they don't agree then you should tell them that you will contact child services and make them aware of the situation because you fear for your childs safety.

Let us know the turn out.

S.

Let him cry about it. He is being selfish about this whole thing. The safety of your child is more important than his whining. Just wait till they are broken up, then resume your shared parenting.
Seriously.

I know how you feel, though I am lucky that still happily married. Everytime my husband take my boy to visit his family (especially his mom) w/out me, I'm always worry. 'Cause my mother-in-law is not really the "mommy" kind, her house is completely non childproof, glass shelf/display every where, and sharp corner all around the open fireplace. She's also a smoker, every time she comes in from her cigarette break, i can smell her from mile away and I just don't like to have her holding my son.

Anyway, in my case, i would have to learn to let down my guard a little bit, and just hopping for the best. I always tell my husband not to get his mom hold our son right after her cigarette break. And also he needs to keep eyes on our son at all time to prevent any injure, I point out to him the non childproof spot at her house so that he can tell I'm not unreasonable. For your case, if his girlfriend won't change her parenting method, and stop being so neglect to your daughter. You probably really need to tell him that you may seek for full custody legally and he can visit your daughter anytime, but just not at his house or w/ his girlfriend. He has to know who is more important, his daughter well being, or his rocky relationship w/ the **ore, i'm sorry, but I think his girlfriend really deserve that title.

Good luck w/ everything, and hope it would all work out well for you and your daughter (and also her dad)

Do what is BEST for your child. You don't honestly care if he gets teary eyed do you? He CHEATED on you! That is the lowest form of deceit. Your daughter clearly is not getting the care she should in his home, and if there is friction b/w him and the gf, that is NOT good for your daughter to be around. I would suggest you allow him to see her on visits to your home, or visits outside of his home - maybe park dates, dinner dates, etc.... Remember, it is your responsiblity to do what is best for your child, not fold on your standards because HE is having a bad time. He screwed it up - let him deal with it without involving your daughter - OR YOU. :-) Good luck. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I am SO AGAINST being stepped on or used by a cheating lover/father in any way. You deserved better, and your daughter does too. Clearly, he is not a very strong person if his new gf is cheating on him in his own home. He needs to get some cajones and step up to his responsibilities - caring properly for his daughter!

sorry that you're struggling so much! in my opinion, in the best interest of your child's physical (and emotional) safety, i would have to restrict visits to his house so long as there is a possible threat to your daughter in anyway ... if her father really doesn't want to be limited from his daughter then he needs to take charge of his own household (whoever that might include/invlove) to show that he can indeed take care of your daughter as well ... if it were my daughter, until the concerns were resolved i would not allow her to go over to his house ... if he wants to visit then fine, but i wouldn't let her go over there ... jmo! hope that helps!

L.,

I used to have similar feeling for the father of my older children. I didn't have him arrested when he bruised my arm and physically took my boys away from me just so he could be the one to take them to their baseball game. I talked with the sheriff and filed a complaint but not charges. I didn't want him to be arrested. I didn't want to have my children upset by him being arrested. But I can tell you that 10 years later it bit me in the #ss. When in court no one will understand why you didn't do all that you could do. The judge made me feel like I did something wrong and that I must be lying about the situation since I didn't file charges and have him arrested. (I did have a restraining order for 3 yrs.)

Basically what I am saying is that you need to follow through for your daughter. Do not worry about her father. If you have already voiced your concerns to him, go directly to CPS for help. Nothing may come of it if they don't find any problems at his home but it will be documented. You need to be sure each and every time that you are doing it for your daughter and not about any anger you might have for her father. I am only saying this so that you can have the peace of mind that you are taking care of business for your daughter because of your love for her and nothing else. All the previous responses are great and all have a little different advice for you. Take what you feel in your gut will be best for your child.

Side note on court and lawyers. I used Legal Aid in Santa Barbara for restraing order. Through the Superior Court in your city you have access to mediation and Family Law Facilitator. Look them up in government pages under Superior Court - Family Law Services or Family Law Self-Information. Every city seems to call it something a bit different. But it is always Family Law. These services are free although sometimes it is difficult to access. I used a lawyer twice for different problems. I have regreted it both times. They drag out whatever is going on so that they can charge more and instead of one trip to court about a simple issue, I had 6. Ridiculous!

Legal Aid (need to have a low enough income) and Family Law Facilitator are free and will help you fill out paperwork and give you advice if you ask for it. My advice is that if you are able to get in with one of these take your time when you are in there. Go with all your questions written down and know that they are there to help you. Take advantage of these services even if you have to take a personal day off to go in. You will be empowered and not out thousands of dollars. If you need help finding the family law services in your city let me know and I will try to locate them through the people in SB.

You are not alone,

Evelyn