You will always be your children's mom. They love you they always will.
He is their father, he will always be their father. They will always love him as MUCH as they love you..
They are protecting you lots of times, when they say they do not want to see him.. They do not want to pick one over the other. They want to protect you and your feelings. Let them know you will be just fine while they are with their dad. Let them know you are just going to do some boring housework, so they are not missing out on anything at home.
You need to encourage them to see him when possible.. and of course their father needs to figure out how to be a father. This is not your job to teach him.. He has to do it his way.
You and I know he sounds like a real loser.. But your children will figure that out on their own when they are older.
Your children will thank you for encouraging them to see their father and spending time with him..
Fair? What is fair about adults that could not make a marriage work? About children who love both parents and just want a "normal life".
It is not fair, it is what it is.. This their life, so this is their normal.
And so the adults involved, need to just do their best.
I know all of this, because I am like your children.. My parents divorced. My dad was a jerk, my mother acted out.. I still shutter when I remember the awfulness.
As an adult, I blame both of them for not putting me and my sister first..
They did not need to be married, but the sniping at each other and the tension was not fair to me and my sister.. We just wanted to be able to love our dad as he was.. Not perfect..
And love our mother, also not perfect..
We did not care about the rest.
PLEASE, try to just let your children spend time with their dad. As long as they are not in danger, let him parent the way he is.. even though not great.
I know this is so difficult. I am sending you strength.