Should I Space Out My Kids 2 or 3 Years Apart? Advice?

Three years. My kids were two years apart and it was physically hard on me. I think my oldest lost some of my attention because my youngest was so demanding. Later it was easier and they were best friends. But the early years were extremely difficult.

H.,

My kids are 3 years 5 months apart and it works great for us. The first words out of my son's mouth when his sister were born were: Can I hold my baby sister now?

It's ultimately up to you, but every day I'm more and more grateful, and pleased with the spacing of my two kids.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I am so glad I did three years! My sister and I are two years apart and I think it's too close, a two year old doesn't appreciate a baby as much I think because they're still babies themselves. There's competition for friends, teachers, etc.. With two years difference. It's different for everyone but I am SO glad we waited another year!

I'd say do what is best for you and that would translate more than many things to what is best for your children.
Best wishes!

Wow, H.--- you are so blessed to have the choice- but it does make the decision a tough one--. Here is the '''truth'' --- we never know how spacing will effect the family or either of the 2 children. You can put them 2 years apart - only to discover that their individual personalities are a bad match. ( my God-sons were born 17 months apart--- a decision based on the parents dream that their two would duplicate the very close relationship that Mom had had with HER 16 month younger sister. It was a disaster. The first-born was a laid-back, happy, easy-going big boy--- the second was a type-a '';' I HAVE to be best'' aggressive slightly smaller boy whose mission in life was to make his brother say ''uncle'' --- it was a disaster - bad for both boys- and no way on Gods' earth to predict it---- so - do what works best and pray devoutly- and best of luck ---

Old Mom
aka- J. ( retired special ed, preschool teacher and I miss it so much am applying to volunteer at a day-care or a hospital like Childrens' -- HAVE to have vitamin C ( children)

:-)

My hubby is in the middle of 7, I am 3rd of 8, and we have 5 kids. When I was pregnant with my 1st, I started asking mom's how far apart their children were and how they got along with each other. In general, kids who were more than 3 years apart didn't play as much together as kids who were 18 months to 2 1/2 years apart. My kids... child #1 and child #2 are 19 months apart, then it's 4 years to #3, then 2 years to #4, then 4 years to #5.

Having said all of that, how you teach your kids to love each other will be bigger/greater than any age difference. As soon as I start sharing the news that I am pregnant, I try to choose my words carefully with my other kids. If you need a nap or what you are eating or activities that you can't or should do... not 'blaming' it on the baby. "Your going to be such a great brother/sister." "He/she/the baby is really going to love you!" Letting your child even make some choices that don't have to be one way for you, "Which blue blanket, this one, or this one?" (holding up the two that you are deciding between.)

Then when the baby comes, "The baby is crying, do you think she needs a blanket? Do you know where it is? Wow, thanks for bringing her blanket. She ready likes you. Oh, she likes it when you hug her gentally, like this." I had my todlers grabing diapers and toys and clothes for me. Then when they would be too much in the babies face, or too rough, I would say how the baby likes to have them do it.

There was all kinds of fighting with my siblings when I was little, and my mom told me later (I think that it was when I was pregnant with my 1st), that she didn't know that she had to teach us kids to love eachother, she thought that it would just happen since we were siblings (she was an only child). One of the very best pieces of advice I got as a mom. It's made a HUGH difference!

I don't know what your views on life are. We mix and interact with so many people through out our lives. You do not know who your children will meet and what part they will play in the lives of others. They have the potential for great and wonderful things.

Also, not that you asked, but I get asked a lot... for me, adding child #2 to our family was the 'hardest'/biggest adjustment. I think it was because of where we were with our lives and such. I have heard that for some, adding child #3 was harder, but I think that personalities and situation and age difference of the kids all adds to that. It does not 'get that much harder' with each one, just with #2 or #3 child... in general.

I hope that I was able to help in some way.

H.:

I spaced my kids apart (not intentionally) 3 years apart and its working fine. My son was potty trained by the time the baby girl came and he is old enough to help me with her.

If you have a choice, space them out 3 years vs 2.

Have a great day.

Kim B.

Hi H.-
What sticks in my mind is something I read on here awhile back. I think having 2 kids under 3 would be tough....diapers, attitudes, nurturing. The advice I read was that having kids 3.5 years apart is ideal because you get to nurture fully the one you have. As my 2.5-year old grows, I can really see the benefits of this. She is growing more independent and our bond is strong. She is gaining independence at her own rate and we are not having to push her out of her nest and I could see that in 1 year, she would be at a perfect point for adding another kid. We are unsure as to wheether to have another at all and at this rate, I feel fine with not knowing....because 3.5 years apart would be just fine. Good luck with your decision.

H. ~

My sister and sister-in-law said that spacing three years apart was wonderful when they had their kids. So I "planned" on 3 years and got 33 months, which has been great so far. I also took a class at Evergreen that said between 34-36 months is ideal (sorry, I can't remember why).

Good luck with your decision ~ M.

Hmmm... I have four children ages 13, 12, 9, and 2. My first two are spaced 14.5 months. Anyway, I have some experience with varied spacing.

When my first two were little, they were very close. DS1 was very into helping mommy with the baby. We even bought him his own baby and named him "Bobby" so that when I was doing things to take care of baby that he couldn't help with, he could take care of Bobby. Back then we had a crank swing and DS1's job was to crank the swing and "push sister"... something he got into trouble for later when she was too big for the swing. He thought it was still ok to push sister... lol. He also liked to bring me diapers/wipes and give her a bottle or simply make her laugh... little things. We were able to make him part of the process by giving him small responsibilities to help out with so it was a pretty easy transition for him.

Our DD is special needs. We found out relatively early in her life that she is DDNOS (Developmentally Delayed - Not Otherwise Specified), which is a very hard diagnosis because it's not really a "diagnosis" and there is a lot of red tape to get her into different programs and what not... even still. She has attention deficit issues and some related behavioral stuff, but when her little brother was born and she was about to turn three, it was great. She was old enough to understand that baby needed mommy and that she would have to wait just a little bit. That was ususally fine with her since one of her behaviors is to watch people intently. She can do it for a while, so she would watch with interest while I finished what I needed to do with DS2 and then could help her. Since she was in special ed from about her first birthday on and DS1 started preschool that year, I had time for each of them because they were on opposite schedules... he had mornings, she had afternoons.

DS2 had the biggest issue with DS3 coming into our family. He had been my "baby" the longest and I hadn't worked as much during his toddler/preschool years as I had with the other two so he was used to having me to himself. He was 7, so he had been in school for a couple of years already, but really was in a "needy" stage. He was glad to have a baby brother, don't get me wrong, but missed some of that special time with me so he resented DS3 usually only a little... sometimes it was a lot, but not that often. On top of that, he had two well experienced helpers (DS1 and DD) constantly stepping in to help so he felt left out. I had PPD with DS3 and kind of drew into my own shell and DS2 really went into a depression too because of all the issues around him. He used to say he wanted to die because noone even knew he was around. It made me very sad.

Things are better now. My oldest two are in middles school, DS2 is in the third grade, and DS3 is 2. DD is still in special ed and needs a lot of extra help for regular every day activities like getting up and dressed for school. My two older boys are very good at getting themselves ready to go in the morning and are still very good at taking care of little things for DS3 (giving him a cup and dry cereal/piece of toast) and playing with him while I get DD ready to go. DS2 doesn't want to die and understands now that Moms sometimes get very sad after they have babies. There was so much going on in our lives at that time that it was hard on all of us. Their Papa, to whom all of the kids were very close, was very sick with cancer and died within a year of DS3 being born... it was a VERY hard time.

Now we struggle with the standard sibling rivalry between the older 3 and DS3 has entered that lovely stage of life... being 2. Haha. I have to just laugh at how rediculous our lives are at times these days. I miss going out on family outings like I did when the older kids were younger. They are not as interested in stuff that means having to sit in a car next to eachother and go somewhere together... even if it might be fun. They are truely individuals and have very different interests... keeps me hoppin' let me tell you.

Anyway, my point is that each spacing is going to have it's challenges. It's usually fine and it's up to you. Do you want to have a baby next year or the year after?? Things tend to have a way of working out, no matter what you do.

H., my kids will be 3.5 years apart when our new baby is born at the end of this month. Personally I'm glad I waited, so I could give my full attention to my daughter until she reached preschool age. Being in preschool, she really has started to separate (healthily and appropriately) from me, and I don't think that the new baby will have as much impact on her as it would have a year and a half ago. (She was VERY attached to me.)

I echo the sentiments of others here that you will ultimately find what works best for you and your family --- I'm glad that I listened to my gut. Personally, waiting has made me feel like a better mother (and I'm 40, so I understand the pressure of feeling like you need to "crank 'em out"!)

By the way, sorry you had to deal with one really immature response... I have always found this forum to be filled with great moms willing to share experiences and support one another. Best wishes to you!

My children are 23 months apart and the nice thing is that they play really well together. They basically have the same interests and so it works. I honestly don't feel there is an ideal age difference. I think you do what works for your family. What I have observed though is that when the kids are 3 years apart the older sibling seems to have a lot harder time adjusting to the change of an added person in the house. At 2 years they are still young and haven't been an only child for so long that they can't adjust. My son was a little shy at first around my daughter, but I just involved him as much as possible and made him feel like she was as much his as the rest of us. The first year of her life is kind of a blur, but I think that may happen no matter what the age difference just because it is a lot to have two kids. Good luck!

I think two years apart.

Good for you to respond to the inappropriate advice (rather Judgement) that was lashed out at you. I agree with you. It was rude and inappropriate and just plain mean. Good christian women should not be so judgemental. Sometimes we just need to hear from others to reassure our own thoughts and feelings. Please feel that you can continue to come to the group for help/advice/support about ANY subject. Many prayers and blessings to you and your growing family.

I had my first kid at 30 and my last at 35 with no complications. I would highly recommend the 3 year spacing. Having two kids in diapers is hard. This also gives your body one more year to regain it's composure. This also would also make sure that the goodwill at work remains on the positive side. Best of luck!

We wanted ours 2 years apart and after trying for almost a year we still aren't pregnant with our 2nd. Just keep in mind that the planning doesn't always go how you want. If you work fulltime next school year and try to get pregnant in September 2009 then you would have a summer baby and have that time to bond and then could go back to 1/2 time for 2 years.

My kids are 3 years, 3 months apart, respectively, and I think that's a good gap. Having two kids in diapers is hard and money consuming. I've been fortunate enough to not have girls who figure out how to get out of the crib, so my eldest didn't get into a "big" bed until I was ready to put the baby in a crib, and now my youngest is over 3 and is still in a crib. The only thing that makes it difficult for me to just say wait is your age. I know that after 35, they start doing more tests and there's more things that can go wrong. So if that worries you, then you should start as soon as you're ready.

Personally I think there are probably pluses and minus to all choices. That being said - I'm not sure how much you can really predict the time between so to make sure it happens in the time frame you want - maybe you are one of those lucky people - but don't count on it.

Hi H.,

My feelings on spacing is the further the better and here is why I think that. When you have one child, he or she gets all of your attention. Then when a new baby comes along, your attention is ripped away from them and behavioral problems from sibling rivalry ALWAYS arises in one form or another. I have a 3 year old, and a few months back I thought I was pregnant, and I was very sad about it because my three year old is not done being my baby yet. I was glad when I found out that I was not pregnant. But it is entirely up to you and what is more important to you. I understand that siblings can play and entertain each other, which helps you a lot too, I just never thought dealing with all the fighting was worth it. I just never felt it was fair to the older sibling to be forced to stop being my baby so quickly by a new baby, which take so much attention. Without planning it, I spaced my children 13 years apart, and I love it. They are so close and don't fight and my teenager is a huge help with my daughter. The down side is my teenager will eventually move out and on, and she won't grow up with him. But I recommend 4 or 5 years between them. That way the older one is off to school, and your attention can be totally focused on the new baby, without the older sibling resenting it or being sad about it. Also that way you only have one in high school at a time. But most people try to have their children close together so they can be raised together. Which is fine until they get to be teenagers and are running different directions all the time lol. I have 3 siblings, one is 5 years younger, on is 4 years older, and one is 6 years older than me, and we are all close now, but my Mother spaced us all out nicely so we all got to be the baby except for the first 2, and she had problems all the time with them because of sibling rivalry. So that is my two cents worth. :) Any way you choose to do it will be fine and you will all adjust to the situation. :)

There really is no "best". There are pros and cons to both. Things to think about are that with 2 years apart, you will be potty training while you have a newborn. If you put 3 years between them, they won't fight or play together as much. Which would steal your sanity more? Constant fighting or constant "mommy play with me"?
I have just over 4 years between mine and I personally love it!

After I had my first son, I really wanted another one to be not much more than 2 yrs younger. So we tried for that time frame and my older one was 2 1/2 when the next was born. I think it'll be a good age for them growing up, but here's what I noticed: at two the kids are still pretty needy (can't be alone in a room for very long, in diapers, etc). I noticed that when my older son turned 3 he had really changed a lot - he was so much more independant. It was hard to believe he had changed so much in just 6 months! If I could do it over I might have waited until right around 3 to have another one. Also age 2 is a very cute age where they are saying and doing so many cute things and I feel a little sad b/c I feel like I missed a lot of it because my attention was divided. He was so curious about the world and I really wanted to be outside showing it to him, but most of the time I was inside nursing or changing diapers. Now at three he actually needs some time in his room playing by himself and I have a little more time than I used to. You'll have to take my advice with a grain of salt, however, because my "second baby" ended up being twins, so I'm sure I that what I felt was more extreme than what most moms feel with kids that age, but if I had just had one I think my advice would be the same. Oh and don't worry too much about the age - I have so many friends who have had healthy babies in their late thirties and forties including one who was 48! Hope this helps ..

Our boys are 26 months apart. They are the best of buddies most of the time and they fight like brothers too. They have such different interests that there is no sibling rivalry around most things. I love the age difference, even though it was tough at times when they were toddlers... My husband is 3 years younger than his sister and 4 years older than his brother - they are not even close - growing up with the 4 years with his brother was disasterous. Again, I think it's personality and the family structure too. We encourage our boys to develop their own interests and to try different things.

My two boys are almost exactly 3 years apart, although they are very different people now at 18 & 21, when they were young they played together all the time (ages 0ish-when oldest was about 12ish). I'm glad about the 3 years difference. The oldest got to be a baby and toddler before brother came along.They still have a brotherly bond, but lead different lives.

All that said, I think you can't expect your children to get along more because of their age difference. Their personalities, temperaments, and wants might be very different and not mesh well. Just because you are born in the same family doesn't mean you will be close, so I think what really matters is what is best for you.

I don't have any advice for you, but I want to say thanks for asking this queston. My husband and I are also trying to make this decision. Our son is 17 months old and we are talking about starting to "try" in June. We feel like this might be too soon, and we don't know if we are rushing just because of our age.

It has been helpful to read about the experiences of other mamas.

Thanks!

My kids are 27 mo and 3 mo. So far 2 yrs is working great. They'll be 2 yrs apart in school so involved in some of the same things possibly but not everything the same. AT least they'll be in high school together. My 2 yr old is fairly easy going so that helps when I nurse the baby and she loves her little brother.

I suppose I am one of those "crazies" that had 3 kids in 3 years :) My first 2 are 19 months apart and there are 17 months between my 2nd & 3rd. Though there have been days when it was overwhelming, I wouldn't change a thing! I love how close all 3 are and how they play with one another and encourage each others' imaginative play. I think it teaches them valuable life lessons in knowing the world does not revolve around them since they have to share from a young age (Not that I'm criticizing anyone who prefers to do it differently). I also found that the addition of siblings was not nearly as traumatic as many experts "claimed" it would be since they were so young they didn't really notice that much. As many have said and as you have acknowledged, there is no magic formula and one person's experience with one may may be entirely different from another's with even the same spacing. I think it's great to ask others so you can gain from other peoples experiences and then go from there to decide/see what happens. Good luck!

S.
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All natural, organic, handmade hazelwood necklaces for the relief of eczema, acid reflux, & teething pain for babies and their families.

My girls are less than two years apart, but due to birthdays will have a grade level between them. I am very happy with the spacing of the children, they play so well together and really are each other's companions. I was 32 when I had my first and so I can completely relate to the "crank 'em out" feeling, so I did. I really think that how they get along is due to the fact that they are both girls, when you have the dynamic of different sexes that can change things up a bit. I really think there is no way to predict how these things turn out, most of how your kids get along will be determined by their personalities, but even more important, how you teach them to treat one another. That is something you can control regardless of their age differences. Do what works best for you and your family, these things have a way of working themselves out. I disagree that there is any "ideal" spacing of children, people have stories both good and bad for either side of the coin. Rarely does the pregnancy thing happen on our schedule anyway, so what will be will be. Good luck.

Childbirth falls under the protections of the FMLA of '93. During the first year of life of your child you have access to 12 weeks of protected leave time from your job, providing your employer employees 50 people or more and that you have worked 1540 hours in the previous year, or since your last leave time. That 12 weeks is equivalent to 480 hours. You can take this time in increments, so if half days were your desired schedule to care for this newborn baby, figuring 3 hours for a half day of teaching, that's 160 days, almost a full school year. This time would also include any time that you would take off following delivery, normally 6 weeks, so you've cut your available leave hours by half, unless you deliver in the summer. Your husband also has access to this time off as well if he works for an employer of 50 or more.

My first two are 22 months apart, and between the 2nd and 3rd there is 34 months. All three are the best of friends, even as young adults. My middle child is coming home today for spring break and the other two are anxiously awaiting his return. They miss him, he them. They will be there, always for one another. Growing up felt like I was herding cats sometimes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. It's family, it's fun, it's an adventure, it's their future. Enjoy!!!

I have two daughters that are 2 years apart. I like the age difference because they are both in different stages but at the same time they really relate to eachother. My oldest enjoys the BIG sister job. It is hard at first because after all we are human and can only do sooo much at a time. But in time it really pays off. I say keep them closer in age so they have someone to grow up with. But that's my opinion. I'm sure whatever decision you make will be perfect for you and your family. good luck!! :)

I know that you are going to get probably lots of conflicting thoughts on this because people only know based on their own experiences. I can tell you that our daughters are spaced at 19 months apart, and I am so glad we chose to do it that way. Our thought was that we could get them through all the major phases somewhat together. We don't have to hang on to lots of baby stuff for years because the younger one will need it, they both got out of diapers fairly close to one another, that sort of thing. And now they are 6 and 4 1/2 and they play together and are wonderful companions for each other. They also still fight occasionally, but I think you would get that no matter the age difference.

Then there were the issues that I just wanted to be done having babies so that physically I could move on in that part of my life. When I felt that I was in baby producing mode it was less motivating for me to get back into a rigorous exercise routine that I thought I could stick with because the babies threw my whole schedule off anyway. Then there were the issues around work, that with them closer together I saw the possabilities of me realistically going back to work sooner rather than later since we chose to have me be an at-home mom, and I didn't have the same work option you have which is wonderful.

It wasn't easy when they were very young, and I don't think it will be no matter which choice you make, but now that they are older I feel confident that we made the right decision. Next year my youngest will start Kindergarten and the older one will be in first grade, so 5 days a week I will have 2.5 hours to myself. That is something I'm looking forward to! My two cents! Whatever you choose you will probably feel in the end that it was totally the way to go because it will work out no matter what.

My kids are 19 months apart, and they are the best of friends. I don't think there is any set formula, because I also know kids that are close together that fight all the time! :) I just wanted to say that I found out I was pregnant with my second before my oldest first birthday. Having 2 young children/babies does not take away the time you have for them. What ever you decide it right for your family will be best! Just do what feels right. and ignore all those judgmental people who think they know what is best for everyone when they are in fact deluded and ignorant!(sorry, did that sound a little "crazy"?)

There is 3 years between my first and second child.

children 2 3 and 4 are all 13 months apart...

if I had to do it all over again, I would have ad all of my kids 13 months apart. They play together well, have the same iterestes etc. whereas my oldest has completely different interests from the younger 3

I just wanted to say that I think Jessica R's message may have been misunderstood. Her post did not accuse H. of having "kid after kid", she simply stated her opinion about how she felt of moms who had kid after kid without a space in between them.

I think if you are going to call someone out as rude, you should do it in a private message, not in the public forum. Sometimes misunderstandings happen and private messages are usually the best way to resolve those misunderstandings. Mamasource is supposed to be a place for all to express their ideas and opinions freely, even when they differ, and even if they offend. Yes, I meant to say offend. I have offended many mamas with my ideals, especially my breast feeding and discipline/guidance opinions. But I am glad for this space to express my views and interact with moms that are different in opinion/lifestyle, so I can learn more about the community of parents around me. This helps me to learn about myself. This helps me to connect to my community and to be a better parent. It also challenges me to ask myself questions I would not normally ask myself,(when opinions conflict/seem offensive)and I appreciate that greatly.

I don't think name-calling and labeling mamas as rude are beneficial to this site. What would have been more appropriate is to have sent Jessica R. a private message and asked her more about her post, and tell her how the post made you feel. That is much more honest than automatically calling her out as rude. I would be willing to bet that she did not mean her post in a rude manner, not everyone is as articulate on the keyboard as in person.

Good luck, and thank you for taking the time to read my personal response.

Hi H., I am a first time mommy as well so I don't have experience with my own children, but I can tell you that growing up in a family of three all spaced two to three years apart, it was wonderful. I'm the oldest, my brother was born the day before my birthday two years after me, and my sister was born two and a half years after him. We were the best of friends, always had someone to play with, and we're still all very close. I've noticed that siblings who are a year or so apart are sometimes just too close in age, and there's often competition. And as far as cranking them out, I can't tell you how many mommas I've met recently who are having babies in their 40's. I'm sure whatever you choose will work great for you, the two to three year spacing was perfect for my family!