Should I Let Them Go Pt2

Don't worry-in time, he will cheat on her , too, and she with someone else, as well. I don't think it's appropriate for children of any age to see their parent shack up with someone.

Hi mom-

I am sorry for your hurt in this situation...BUT the fact remains that he is still her father (their father?). He has rights.

Short od a court order stating SPECIFICALLY that he is to see the kids with no other woman around, you really have no control here. Also, if you refuse to let him see his kiddo(s) now...when you DO go to court (and I assure you, you will end up there)...YOUR refusal to allow him access will not be looked upon with favor.

Take the 'high road' here. You will not regret it. If he really is the slime ball you indicate, your kiddos will figure it out on their own in time...TRULY!

***Speaking as a mom who has been there...my kiddos have figured it out...AND they love him in 'spite' of his shortcomings...as they love me in spite of mine...****

Best Luck!
michele/cat

You absolutely should be really angry with him for treating you he way he did! What scum!

That being said, he may be scum as an ex, but he's still their dad. He gets to be scum in your eyes as long as you want him to be, but you can't draw a line down the middle of the world where he's on one side and you & the kids are on the other. Don't make this more of a "messed up situation" for your kids. Don't get into a battle or EVER bad-mouth their dad to them or to anyone else when they're near-by.

My dad cheated on my mom when I was a teenager. Some time after the marriage ended, my aunt was talking about my dad to my mom & started saying things about him that were (unfortunately) true and throwing in what she thought of him (justifiable, but still not cool). My older sister was there; at the time, she was in her early 20s. Even then, my mom stopped my aunt and said she wasn't to speak that way; my dad was still our father. Shut my aunt right up (which, trust me, is difficult to do!) I'll tell you, my mom earned our respect that day in a MAJOR way.

My husband had 2 girls (& custody) when we married. Their other mom used to bad-mouth me and, to a lesser extent, him from here to forever. We worked really, really hard to not answer and to NEVER put her down to them. Fast forward 20 years. Now, they don't trust her and, although, there is somewhat of a relationship there, they aren't anywhere near as close to her as they are to us.

Be careful what you do. The next few years will be VERY hard, but so incredibly important. Don't let your understandable anger and grief color your children.

You have every right to be hurt, however denying him visitation is not going to make anything any better for anyone. Regardless of the fact that he cheated, doesn't come around like he should, and is a woman who you don't approve of, he still has rights. I'm not saying get over what he did to you. But that is an issue between you and him, not you, him and your children. To put your children in the middle would only hurt them. Let the adult problems be handled by the adults, and the courts, and allow the children to see him as they want to see him. Soon enough all will be settled. Until then, try to make the best of a bad situation.

Again, I encourage you to immediately get a court order for custody and visitation rights. Until something is set legally, both of you have just as much legal right to the kids as the other. Yes, it sucks, and it only makes the situation harder to deal with. Get something set in stone legally, and do the best you can to let your kids make the choices they want to make regarding them seeing their father.

You are very correct in believing what you want but in all reality you cannot make him live by any certain standards.

If you have a court order you do not get to chose to follow it or not.

If you decide to take this to court you will be ignored.

Nowadays more people live together, either before marriage and together without marriage, than the amount of people married. So society has changed and it is no big deal, neither is it against the law.

He can see whomever he chooses and can live with them and the court will not allow you to dictate his living arrangements.

Whether you allow or not, it is of course your choice. BUT, it does give him good standing when you do eventually go to court. You do not have any rights to tell him who he can be with or not be with, unless there are laws being broken.

I have a clause in my child support/custody agreement, that the judge includes as a standard clause, which states that persons not related to the minor child(ren) by blood marriage cannot spend the night under the same roof as the child.

For me, it prevented these types of issues.

If you do not have a court agreement for custody and child support, then you really should get one. It protects your kids.

Whether he cheated with this woman or not is not the issue here. The issue is your children being exposed to life styles that you are not comfortable with and don't want as a model for them; your children being exposed to people you do not know; your children being placed in situations that could potentially leave them vulnerable.

Since you have no legal agreements in place you could deny visitation - no one to hold you to anything. But that opens up another Pandora's box of problems in denying your children access to their other parent who I am sure they love also.

My best advice to you is for you to get legal advice.

I totally understand what you mean and agree completely with you. See a lawyer and make sure your right to shield your child from this woman, who proved to not have family values, respect (for your family and for hers),and overall is NOT a good role model for your child, is heard. You are forced to expose your child to her father (even if he may not be deserving of her as he is definitely not deserving of you)) but you should not be forced to have her spend time with the questionable woman he's hanging out with. Get some clause in the divorce decree to spare your daughter.

I would not let them be around them until he is engaged to her. This way at least there is some longevity. Good luck :(

I understand you are hurt. Did you ever speak with him about how all of this made you feel?

I do not mean a screaming, shouting match but a "I feel like.." conversation.

Until you can get it all out , so that YOU feel you have expressed your feelings directly to him, I think you are always going to feel like he does not understand what all of this did to you. How it still makes you feel.

Be prepared for the worst response (Him blaming you, which is complete bunk) from him, but try to be satisfied that he at least heard and understand why you feel the way you do,.

All any of us want, is to be heard.

You deserve this. He owes this to you.
Just try to find a way to do this.
I am sending you piece.

And yes, allow your daughter to spend time with him, even if the other woman is going to be there. Do not use your children to punish their father. The best revenge is living a good and happy life and indifference to them.