My sister is a single mom to a 10 yr old. The father was completely un-involved until last year. He is crazy and brings charges against her all the time, often based on lies. His recent claims may threaten her ability to keep her job. Where does she go for advice? She had a lawyer that was very expensive and completely ineffective. It's a soap opera, as you can probably imagine. The family court system makes no sense to me and I have no idea what to tell her. How do we find resources to help her? Where do we look? Are there good lawyers who can fight against a crazy person but do it affordably?
Oh gosh, thank you all so much! I'll be passing along all your ideas. It is comforting to know there's a way through it. I feel so inadequate when she talks to me about it. Your responses made me feel much better. Thank you!
Don't hire a family law attorney. Find a women's domestic violence organization and start there. Most will help you file protection orders and even related custody orders for free and guide you just as a family law attorney would- but for free.
Family law attorneys tend to let things go on and on because they're on the clock.
Best of luck!
Regarding just the fact that his lies are jeopardizing her job -- she absolutely must protect her job because if she loses it, she also gravely jeopardizes her ability to keep custody of her child. If she gets fired, the ex will tell the court that she is no longer able to support her child adequately and he will try to take their daughter.
She must be proactive and not wait for her employer to find out what's going on -- she must tell her employer, herself, now, but she does not need to go into gory details.
She needs to go to human resources and have a scheduled, formal, sit-down meeting (not some casual chat in the hallway on the run) and tell HR: "I need to give you a heads-up that my ex husband and I are in a very contentious custody fight and he is fabricating things about me in order to try to get custody of our child. He says he will attempt to undermine my job here by coming to the company with lies about me because he would like to see me lose my job which would help him gain custody. I wanted the company to know, not because I want you involved in our private dispute, but because I want to be on the record with HR that he may try to make claims against me. If he comes to the company I need to be notified so I can let my attorney know immediately."
If HR asks what he might say, she does not need to get detailed. She can say that she isn't sure but knows that he has threatened to go to her employer and try to get her fired, and she wants to be a responsible employee and warn her bosses and HR that this is about a private dispute and not about work.
She also does need a new attorney immediately! The fact her last one was a loser does not mean they all are losers. She cannot navigate this alone, especially if he tries to tell lies that get her fired. She needs a strong attorney who will threaten her ex with a slander charge if he approaches her employers with lies. Yes, it would be slander!
I am sorry she's going through this. Her daughter is old enough to know how nasty the dispute is, unfortunately -- small children can be kept pretty oblivious of the details but at 10, the girl likely is aware of how nasty this all is. Mom needs to be sure never, ever to badmouth dad (as much as mom has reason to do so!) and as this goes through the court, mom should demand a clause in their agreement that neither parents can badmouth the other in front of their child - there ARE such clauses in custody agreements and they are enforceable so that if dad later trash-talks about mom to the child, mom can haul him to court.
But meanwhile, she must get an attorney ASAP and also go in and, coolly, calmly and professionally, put her employer on notice that her ex is threatening to try to undermine her employability. That way she gets the first word in, and if she is a good employee and they are decent bosses, they are going to believe her and not him.
You have advice for lawyers but I hear the sound of a kind of desparation that I once felt. Look at BPDfamily.com and see if this guys actions match up with these symptoms. There are boards there, also, for dealing with spouses like this.
If she has a YWCA in her area they usually have great resources to help women get the help they need. Also many states now have a 211 informational phone line. She could try calling that. She could also try calling the National Domestic Violence hotline 1-800-799-7233. They also have great resources, and may be able to direct her to free or low cost legal help if she qualifies financially. If she won't contact them herself you can do it for her. Good luck.
Pls tell her to secure another attorney immediately. I am in similar situation and unfortunately he has rights whether he was involved in the past or not. He will get visitation and/or whatever custody agreement they can secure. The court is not set up to protect a party if the other has a lot of money to spend fighting. Unless they find a way to make it work, it will cost $$$$. However, there are situations, like mine where my child'/ father enjoys the fight and unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. I've found, in my situation anyway, having a female attorney that is a mom represent me has been more of a comfort. I wish her the best.
She needs to go to State Legal Aid. She might find a pro bono lawyer, or one that works on a sliding scale. While in court, she can also state explicitly to the judge that she needs a lawyer but can not afford one and would like to have one assigned to her. That should get the ball rolling for her as well. I know this because my mom works for a state prosecutor.
Has she talked to a woman's shelter/center?
She needs to go talk to the DA in her county. See if she has enough grounds for a protection order. They are just a piece of paper but they do sometimes scare the person getting it served into acting better.
I feel bad for her. She needs to go back to court and get it in the court papers that she takes the kiddo to X, X delivers kiddo to Ex, when ex's visit is over, X picks up kiddo and delivers kiddo to mom. That way she doesn't have to see him or deal with him.
She should also be getting child support from him. Men try to scare women into not filing because they want to keep their money. Once a woman goes and files and the child support goes into effect it's so easy.
Google woman's rights. Sometimes lawyers will take cases on a probono basis.
