I have been on the outs with my MIL and my SIL for a little over a year and a half. I don't want to get into specifics but my SIL lives with MIL and they do not live a safe, legal lifestyle. We can't have our child around anything immoral or illegal and DH has battled with MIL over this for years. SIL is mentally ill and will not get treatment. MIL and DH have gotten into several heated arguements over her and MIL will not budge. (SIL is the favorite of all MIL's children.)
We quit going to her home, and she would come here to visit DH and DS-but she started dragging her drama down here on her visits. So DH pulled back even more. Christmas was the final straw when MIL called me up and began threatening bodily harm to me. I was hurt, but I am beginning to think MIL is also mentally ill. DH and MIL had a huge blow up over the phone and he hasn't heard a word from her since. His uncle called a couple days later being nosey trying to soothe things over for my DH and trying to make excuses for his half sister. She only told them what she wanted them to know (poor MIL). DH told his uncle about some of these things, which no one really knows about because like us they all live hours away. Of coarse I am getting all the blame here. (How dare anyone NOT want to be around drugs, crazy behavior, ect..)
So, we are moving for my husband's job this summer. DS has FB and accidentally let it slip to the above uncle's daughter that we would be moving. Uncle asked DH about it during the conversation at Christmas, but DH denied that we were moving. MIL doesn't really act like she cares either way because she's so busy with her drama with SIL and trying to help take care of her children. She hasn't tried contacting DH or DS since. Are we obligated to tell her that we are moving? I think this would be a healthy new start for all of us. DH never knew his father and was raised by grandparents. MIL parents are still alive but in very poor health. I know that if they died he would want to attend their funeral. How would you approach this?
Thank for everyone's responses. To address some of your questions-DH's grandparents consist of MIL's mother and her husband. DH's bio grandad passed years ago when MIL was 12. The uncle is HIS son. Grandmother had a severe stroke, she's 94, a couple of years ago and she is total care. MIL controls all of their contact and finances and they are shut ins. She is unable to talk, walk, or communicate. Grandfather, who is 20 years younger than her, was a recovering alcoholic that has since fell back into mixing alcohol and perscription pills because of chronic pain from an inoperable health condition. He also suffers dementia. She has poisoned them against my DH and it kills him. The reason I think that is bc when she and DH were in the fight, DH made a passing comment about how he didn't think the rest of the family would approve of her threatening and acting in such a way. She proceeded to tell him that his grandparents knew ALL about what was going on, and his grandfather and uncles were all planning on calling him up to tell him and ME off! He has talked to his grandfather albiet a brief conversation, but nothing has ever been said about his mom. My DH doesn't want to go there and I totally respect that. If she is taking "care" of them in their eyes, it would probably be a futile effort.
As far as the "lying" to his uncle, I think that was worded a little harsh. Yes, he was taken off guard bc he didn't know my son had reached out to his cousin. He's 12, so it wasn't on purpose. He is just a little stressed about moving, and I think he was a little excited to know someone where we were moving. He doesn't want to share that for many reasons, partly bc he hasn't heard from him in years until this fiasco. He asked, "Hey I heard you guys were moving to X.", In which DH replied, "Well, I hope we don't have to move at all." It wasn't a "lie"- We are being forced to move if he wants to continue his employment.
Don't misunderstand, the uncle has had his fair share of dealing with this crazy woman and his alcoholic father. This one loving grandfather, threatened to write him (uncle/son) out of his life the last hospital trip when he was going throught DT's. The doctor's didn't know what was going on. MIL was closed lipped because she didn't want to fall out of their good graces, so her greed almost cost that man his life. The uncle spoke up to save his father's life, and he was damned for years. I don't really think he "cares" honestly about DH or our family. We haven't heard from him in years. He is one of those folks that preach "THe Word" and live a very two faced life. He speaks out of both sides of his mouth. With this family, it's all about self-preservation. The gloves are off.
Thanks again.
Hubby can let them know after you move. I like Diane's idea. I moved and my mother doesn't have my new address.
I think that you need to wait until you move. Then he can send her an email.
You need to tell DS to stop talking about moving.
When your husband's grandparents pass away, I'm sure he'll hear about it from other family. If he goes to the funeral, hopefully she won't make a scene.
If I were your husband, I would NOT tell his mother you have moved until the move is complete and the house is sold (unless you rent, of course.) If there is ANY chance that she has a key, you should change the locks.
Dawn
There's no obligation to tell her. But there's also no reason to lie about it.
You aren't required to do anything. Send "we have a new address!" cards when you get to your new home.
Have hubby give her a quick call after you move just to touch base. You don't have to let them know where you moved or the address. It sounds like distance and no contact may be the way to go in this relationship. If anyone needs to get ahold of your hubby they can always go through fb.
Best of luck with your move and new life.
Oh yea, I remember this BPD nightmare of inlaws. Move and do not tell them. If its one thing that BPD people are the worst at, its situational stress.
They act out at moving, weddings, funerals, etc.
Tell them after you have moved and sold the house, not before. if not after you sell the house, you have the possibility of sabotage or damaging or living in your house.
Really, if I were your H I would never talk to them again. My H does talk to his BPD mom about every two weeks and that's hard sometimes. Write his grandparents. They like getting letters and it means more to them than coming to a funeral after they are dead. There is sure to be drama then.
The uncle? Yep, we had one of those, too. They sabotaged everything we tried to do to help mil. In the BPD world they are called the flying monkeys.
They do the biding of the BPD person, either knowingly or not.
Ours now won't even speak to mil and told my H they were sorry.
Don't worry about how things look, this is about survival.
BPDFamily.com
I think you can just say, "we are moving to Colorado this summer" and leave it at that. I think you can let them know without them actually giving them your address. Thats what I would do. Good luck!
One thing wasn't clear -- please clarify -- you wrote, "DH never knew his father and was raised by grandparents. MIL parents are still alive but in very poor health."
Are the MIL's parents the ones who raised him? Not clear from the post.
If they are -- is he in any contact with them? It does not sound like it from the post. If they're the ones who raised him, unless he also now has issues with them as well as MIL -- it seems kind of cruel to move and not tell them. If he's in contact with them now and just disappears on them they may be distressed and find it hard to understand. If these are NOT the grandparents who raised him and he has little or no contact with this set of grandparents, I guess you can go ahead with the move without notifying them or MIL/SIL.
I think the bigger question here is: Does your husband see this move as a chance to cut all ties, for good, with his mother and sister? If he does, well, move and don't tell them until you want to. But if he wants to maintain any ties in the future, even just knowing where they are and whether their lifestyle has finally killed one of them -- then you should let them know your'e moving, maybe telling them just a few days before you go.
Believe me -- because I have seen it happen myself -- there is nothing sadder than someone finding out only after the fact, after years of silence, that an estranged relative is dead. Usually the person who hears the news ends up thinking, "I wish I'd at least stayed in minimal contact and let him/her know I knew they were there."
If you are concerned that somehow, someday they will track you down and come find you in person, get a post office box address in your new town (or the next town over) and give them that as your address. But the Internet being as pervasive as it is, they could probably locate your new home anyway.
It sounds like you definitely would like never to speak to MIL or SIL again, but I'm not as clear that your husband wants the 100 percent permanent break with them that you want. Yes, they are not speaking now, and MIL/SIL both sound like horrible influences for kids (and yes, I agree with you that MIL sounds like she too may be mentally ill). But only your husband, not you, can decide that he will never again contact them. He needs to examine whether he wants to find out only after the fact if one of them is hospitalized or dies; whether he wants to be able to visit them (alone, you never have to go) and at least see how they are, which they may veto if he just disappears; whether he wants to ever try to work to get his mother any mental help. (It sounds like unstable SIL could up and vanish herself one day, leaving mentally ill mom alone, which could end up horribly if she really is mentally ill.)
Just some things to think about. This is really more your husband's call than yours. Yes, his relatives are awful but only he knows if he wants at least to keep a mere thread of communication open in case he ever wants to contact them again.
As for the uncle -- is he a problem too? You don't indicate that. But your husand has already lied to him about your moving -- not a great idea, to lie. Now the uncle, who could have been the link between your husband and his mom, is going to be very doubtful about ever helping your husband or trying to smooth things over ever again. I get why your husband probably felt trapped and panicked a bit and lied, but in retrospect it makes it tougher to ever turn to uncle as a link to mom. I might ask husband to possibly talk to uncle, if he trusts uncle not to tell mom.
i don't know if you're 'obligated' to tell her. i probably would.
i do think you're 'obligated' not to lie about it. it's a shame it got leaked, but i can't see why a grown man would actually bald-faced lie to his uncle about it when a polite version of 'none of your business' would work.
khairete
S.
Through the family grape vine they probably already know. They will plan it when they think it will do the most damage and confront him with their knowing and try to guilt him because he didn't call them himself.
Let it go and stay friends with the rest of the family. Treat the MIL and SIL like they are those darn black sheep of the family that no ones really likes but tolerates because, well, after all they're family too.
I moved away from my mom to get out of the drama, she wasn't as bad as most of those on here though. I just didn't like her much.
I miss my MIL daily but hardly think of my own mother.
What would be the point? Will you talk to them more often? See them? Did your husband deny it because he doesn't want them to know or because he just wasn't ready to talk about it?
I think that there's no real need to say anything to anybody. Talk to them when you want via cell phone, and they never need to know where you are. Unless you fear for yoru safety, I don't see the problem with answering the question when asked--"Yes, we're moving." If someone asks for details, tell them that you don't want to talk about it just yet.
Good luck.
Toxic people are toxic people. Usually a funeral is to supporr the survivors. Honoring a deceased person can be done in othwr ways, like in their memory if they were a veteran offer to volunteer for an event for your local vfw or if they were a police officer bring coffee amd baked goods to your new local department. Funeral attendance is not going to brung closure to a messed up bloodline. So yup I'd look at this move as a blessing and an opportunity to create a family of friends. Let the past go.
I would call them after the move, or even better, just send them a 'We've moved' card from the post office. I would contact the Grandparents myself with your new contact info, or if they are on facebook, friend them.
