My mother in law finally lost her fight with cervical cancer on Tuesday, 10 years to the day since her father passed, incidentally. We have been dealing with the greif, as well as trying to plan a Catholic funeral during Holy Week, pretty well as a family unit. Then yesterday we were discussing pictures to use in the slide show, and I brought up some that were taken about 5 years ago, when my son was 6 mos and his younger cousin was a newborn. There were some really great pictures of her with all of the grandchildren she had at that time, and I made a comment that she really looked good in those pictures, with that group of grandchildren. I really didn't mean anything by it, but my SIL took offense, because her son's weren't in the pictures, and she felt like I was excluding her children. They weren't even born yet!! And her older sone is from a previous relationship to boot! Not that that makes him any less family, but come on! To make it worse, she told her husband, who then confronted my husband (they are brothers) and wanted HIM to talk to me, instead of either of them talking to me about it face to face. That conversation upset my husband so much he loaded up the kids and I and we all left, even though we didn't know why we were leaving so abruplty. He waited until we were home to talk to me about it. It turns out she is also upset because she keeps hearing people thank me for everything I did for our MIL the past year, and she feels slighted, because apparently no one has thanked her for what she did. Granted, she did a lot the last few months since they moved in with her, and were able to better care for her once she became bed-ridden, but I know for a fact that my husband has personally thanked her for everything she has done at least twice, once before she passed, and once since. And unfortunately the only reason they moved in with her is because their house was foreclosed on and they had nowhere else to go. So now for my question...Any advice or suggestions on the best way to deal with this? Should I confront her and try to clear the air, or would it be best to just let it ride? Normally, I'm all for clearing the air, but with all the tension surrounding the funeral, I wonder if it wouldn't just be better to wait and let things blow over.
Jackii P. you don't sound harsh, I have had those exact same thoughts. The only reason I put in the part about the foreclosure is because they ahd almost nothing to do with her for the 8 months leading up to them moving in with her, then all of a sudden, they were doing it just to help her out. And I'm not negating all the good that she did in the 4 months they have lived there, she is a nursing student, so she had way more knowledge on ways to keep our MIL comfortable than I have, and was able to do things for her that we never would have know to do. I thank God for them, and everything they did for her at the end of her life, and I don't want drama.
In answer to the questions about the house, it was decided and the paperwork was written up legally that everything she owned will go into a trust, so there is no fear of losing the house. Mom made sure that all of the kids knew that she wanted them to be able to stay in the house as long as they are still paying the lean that was taken out against it years ago. The deal is that they will continue to live there and make improvements, and as long as the bills are paid, none of the other siblings can kick them out. They also get her car, and their dad's truck that he left 7 1/2 years ago when he passed. The trust will cover the college education of the youngest sister, who will graduate this year, the next youngest is the one who gets the house, car and truck, and the two oldest are in charge of the trust, but don't get anything. So far this hasn't been an issue, everyone sat down with mom about 5 weeks ago and she made her wishes known at that time.
Incidentally, I'm not even in charge of putting together the slide show, the two daughters are, I was merely offering a suggestion on one picture that they might want to include.
So the SIL . . . this is not her mom (it's her husband's mom, correct?). If that's the case I'd just let it blow over. Her job as a DIL is to support her husband and otherwise be quiet at this difficult moment. If she wants to cause a mini-drama I would choose to not be a part of it, i.e., just ignore it and support my husband.
JMO.
oh geeze no, don't 'clear the air' now. stay calm, low key, make sure YOU thank her (appropriately, not effusively) and don't take things personally.
everyone is grieving and it hits in odd ways.
i'm so sorry for your loss.
khairete
S.
You can't take anything that happens during this grieving period too seriously. People are not thinking clearly.
If I were you, I would just sit down with her and tell her that you certainly didn't mean to slight her or her children and that you spoke without thinking. Also tell her how much you truly appreciate everything she did for your MIL and how she was able to care for her in ways that you would never have known to do.
People's feelings are raw right now; don't add fuel to the fire. Just suck it up and offer an explanation and a hug and hopefully that will be enough to squash it all.
Grief and planning of funerals makes people act funny.
If I were in your shoes, I would go over to SIL's house, give her a big old hug and apologize for hurting her feelings and then Thank her over and over again for all that she did for the MIL.
I can not stand tension and am always more than willing to be the bigger person and apologize (even if I don't need to) anything really to clear the air!
Good Luck! Just follow your heart...it won't steer you wrong!
I'm sorry about your MIL.
Your SIL is taking her anger out on you and anyone else she can.
Anger is a normal stage of grief. Little things become big deals. The saying in our family? "Nothing like a death to get people fighting over jelly jar glasses!"
The CHILDREN of the deceased need to make all of the decisions, arrangements, etc. Not the DILs. Safer that way.
Take the pictures you have to the funeral home. Normally they will provide a board for photographs & mementos, etc.
As to your last sentence--yes, wait.
Her feelings about other people thanking you for what you did is simply petty. You can't control what other people thank you for or comment on, and she's going to have to suck it up. Ignore it and don't bring it up. If she brings it up, respond simply with, "I'm sorry you feel that way."
As for the rest of it, she's being overly sensitive if you ALSO made sure to choose photos that included her children. Be absolutely certain to include her children, all of them, in the photos used.
Emotions are running high right now because it's an extremely emotional time for everyone involved. You really need to cut her some slack. Don't be confrontational. Let it all go, but make things right through actions.
People are weird at funerals. My friend's exwife was upset that people referred to the friend's current marriage as being the "love of his life". Well, come on, you divorced him how many years ago?
So I'm not saying that the SIL is just like my friend's ex, but some people quickly take on insults that are not insults and make it about themselves vs the greater family. I would tell whoever is in charge privately that they should include any pictures they feel reflect their mother's (or is it their sister's?) life and ignore the drama from SIL. If the kids weren't born, they weren't born! I'm sure there will be a mix of pictures.
As for being thanked, your DH should practice being calm and resisting the urge to snap back if they bring it up again. If someone else says something, just shrug and say that they were thanked by the family and everyone pitched in over the last year. Then move on to another topic.
If it comes up again, I would remind BIL and SIL that the funeral is not a time for petty grievances. Ultimately the pictures are not under your control. You understand that they, as you all are, are grieving. However, they need to be mindful that it's not all about them (either to be included or excluded) and they need to keep in mind the big picture - celebrating MIL's life. I would not seek them out for a clearing the air.
When these kind of things come up (& some variation of it comes up in EVERY family sonner or later), I try to ask myself what I want: Do I want a positive, loving family relationship? Do I want to put someone in their place? Do I really want to make my part or my feelings clear?
If you want to keep it simple during this very trying time and want to put some foundation toward an ongoing family relationship (much harder to maintain once the parents are gone, by the way), when next you see her just go immediately up to your sister-in-law and give her a big hug. Don't wait to take your child's coat off, don't wait until no one else is there, don't even wait until your husband finishes asking "honey, where's th....." Simply go to her & give a hug. Lean back with your hands still on her, tell her you understand she was upset with you and you wouldn't want that for the world. Thank her for everything she did, maybe a quick word about how you know how much your mother-in-law appreciated it, another quick hug, then a "we can talk more later, if you'd like." and then step aside & take it from there. Might take all of 15 seconds to do (might take a little longer to swallow & suck up all the things you might LIKE to say!) but it may make the next few weeks a little easier.
Family first. Your motives were pure. You're most accurate in your observations about how they came to be so helpful. Your love for your husband, your extended family and your mother-in-law will shine forth. Whether she's correct or not really doesn't matter (because, obviously, she's out of line here). What matters is how you want your family to work going forward.
Hug to you. I am sorry for your loss.
Don't confront her. Emotions are very high right now and nothing you say or do will be taken with "good intentions".
I would let this go entirely and encourage your husband to do the same. People have thanked you for what you have done because you have probably being "helping" for the last 10 years without anything in return. If your in-laws are living there b/c they lost their home- the help could be perceived as "incidental".
Let it ride. Where will they live now? Just be prepared for this to be the "next issue".
I am sorry for your loss.
I would talk to your SIL and agree on some photos that include her children as well. I would also feel left out in that situation.
I also wouldn't put them down for foreclosing on their home, maybe it happened for a reason (maybe gods will) so that they were able to move in and take care of her.
I am sure this is hard on all of you. We all grieve in different ways so just do your best to be kind to each other and remember all the good in your MIL's life. You should all be thankful that she was a part of your lives and not argue about these petty things.
(sorry if I sound harsh it's not ment to)
It is just a difficult time for everyone. Perhaps moving in with her pretty much watching her pass was a very devastating thing to see.
Often hurt feelings have nothing to do with what you actually said because anything could set a person off. So I wouldn't try to clear the air about what you meant about the photos. Just understand that your SIL is feeling she looked happiest when she was surrounded by all of her grandchildren. Try to make sure everyone is happy because this is a memorial for everyone to share and have closure.
The best support you could give your husband is to brush off the words that have been said and move forward. Remind him everything is okay and everyone is having a hard time with this.
If you hear someone thank you or praise you, remind them you didn't do this alone. *Jennifer* really helped Mom during her final days and did a wonderful job. This is about anything other than a whole bunch of emotions.
Take a deep breath and wade your way through it. It won't be easy and this may not be the last thorn in the side you take. If it happens again, brush it off and move forward.
Best wishes.
Hello, I feel your pain, deaths are never easy. From experience, be the bigger person here and make things right, you'll be glad you did. Afterall, this is about honoring her mother and your mother in law. That's the way you should start the conversation, Say look this is a difficult time right now and can we find a way to come together? Let's place pictures of different times in her life along the way, some may have my kids and some may have yours, but then, lets do some great ones together. Tell her we all helped and we're all greatful, let's move forward. If it continues it'll get worse. Remind her it's a time of peace and reflection. Sometimes we have to swallow hard in order to move on. This way your husband isn't in the middle and he can grief with peace in his heart. It's important.
Blessings and good luck to you!
I certainly think you should wait on trying to clear the air about her feeling slighted - you should probably just avoid that whole conversation completely. Those are her emotions that she can work through on her own; however, be sure that YOU thank her for everything she did. I can not imagine how difficult it must have been for her to care for a bedridden parent (on in-law).
In my opinion, the slide show issue needs to be addressed now - you will be unable to "fix" that once the funeral is over. I would just say to her, "I liked the picture because it was good of MIL. Which one(s) would you like to use that have your sons in them?"
I am so sorry for your family's loss.
I'd call the person in charge of the slide show and tell her what is going on. Personally, I believe those pics OUGHT to be included. If some pictures of the child from an earlier relationship can be found, include them in the slide show, even if it seems to be strange for them to be in there. Of course, there are later pics of her children in that slide show. Your SIL is ignoring THAT, it appears. If I were in charge of that slide show and either the brother or SIL came crying to me, I would say all of this to them and that they aren't making sense.
If I were you, at the funeral I would have someone read out in front of her and the whole funeral party who ALL deserves thanks for taking care of mom in her final days. If your husband can stand up and read that, it would be better.
Other than this, ignore her theatrics. Forget about clearing the air. If you start getting lectured, get up and walk out. Your husband is in a difficult position with his brother, but it is up to him to say "Hey, bro, we're ALL grieving over mom. You and your wife aren't the only ones with sadness, you know. EVERYONE deserved to have pictures in the slide show. Your family had plenty of photos displayed, and you should just let this go. And you WERE thanked, by me several times, even before you started complaining about it." ONE apology that they are feeling like this, and then no more apologies, because after the first one, any beating you all up over this just becomes abusive.
Ignore the issue of them only helping once they moved in. It doesn't help to dwell on it. And don't talk about it with ANYONE, or it will come back to bite you in the butt.
I'm so sorry about your mother in law.
Dawn
If it's not one thing it would be another.
Upset people will find/invent things to blow up about.
If they moved into your MIL's house, and she has now passed, do they have to move or are they inheriting the house?
That will create some tension.
If people thank you for all you have done, say "Thank you but my sister in law really helped the most towards the end. Don't know what we would have done without her.".
She might still be angry but at least you will acknowledge her part.
And - some relatives just get combative at funerals.
When my grandfather died my uncle (an alcoholic but then so was my grandfather) was a drunken mess.
He kept shouting at the funeral director and almost punched him.
Just forge through it, try to stay calm and it will blow over sooner or later.
I think emotions are high when you lose someone. I would probably pull her aside and apologize that she took your statement the wrong way. And explain you were only commenting on how MIL looked not because of who was in the picture. If she doesn't accept your apology, then just let it be and deal with it the best you can.
As for the response she feels to what others are saying, I would leave that alone. You can't control her emotions because of what people are thanking you for. She just sounds extra sensitive right now. Maybe she's worried about where she will live once the funeral is over and things settle down, so its making her more stressed.
Sorry for your loss.
Wait. If there is still a real problem, it will still be there in a few months. Right now there is also grief and mourning, and that colors everything else.
This is going to be the hardest time for the family, the loss of a parent (that may have been the emotional glue?) is soooo hard.
My mom passed when I was 29 (almost 9 years ago). A LOT was said that should never have been said. It really wrecked our family unit for several years. No one attended Christmas together, called each other, etc. It was UGLY.
My advice is to clear the air as much as possible without bringing up or saying anything else that can be misconstrued. Not easy, by any means. Talk to your hubby and discuss how you are going to handle her and the other family members. Have a united front. Decide to smile and nod, and give lots of compliments.
Remember, everyone grieves differently. She sounds angry (a normal reaction).
As far as the picture, discuss with her what you said here, and ask her if she has one of grandma holding her boys and put them together on the slide show.
You can't control what others are thanking you for or that maybe people feel more comfortable talking to you than her, but you can give her credit when they do so. "Oh, everyone in the family really stepped up and made sure that MIL was well cared for and loved."
So sorry for your loss, it is very difficult.
I am so sorry that this loss has brought such foolishness, but that happens all too often. I think that you guys should wait until after to try to smoothe things over. Too much is going on right now, and the dust needs to settle. Just remember that it's not about you at all. She might be feeling guilty because she didn't do as much as you did or feel as close or comfortable as you did. She might be feeling bummed that she didn't get as much time with MIL and develop a better relationship, carve out her real place in the family...that her kids didn't have her for as long as yours did...all making her feel kinda anxious because the time has passed and she's trying to catch all her thoughts and feelings up with the reality.
Just leave her alone for now. Don't address it right now. That's not your fight. In a couple of weeks, the four of you should sit down together. Make your own list of what you want to say and how. Work out your emotions on the paper. Good luck.
I'd let it ride until a few months after the funeral. Emotions are running high now.
We had a similar thing happen in my family. My Dad took a picture of all the "cousins" at the time, there were about 8, and it turned out really nice. He enlarged it and gave it to my grandparents, who hung it over their sofa. Well, cousins were born AFTER that and the Aunt who's daughter was born in the later group wanted to have a picture of her daughter taped onto that picture! My mother (her sister) had a conipition. Are you kidding me?
This made me realize that some people are really small and feel diminished if they see someone else received praise or attention. Sadly, my Mom and her sisters fall into this, even though they are all in their 60s now. They're still fighting the battles of their childhood.
Anyway... in my experience, there's not much you can do about these kind of people. If she's going to be hurt by the kindness shown to others... what can you do? Lay low until everything is over and try not to let it bother you and your husband. No point in letting it get out of hand. Just be the "bigger" people.
Good luck, and so sorry for your loss.
