I Know I'm Not Alone- Mother-in-law Problems!

well I hardly get along with my mother in law for a couple reasons. She is a serious hypocrite and she thinks she is miss know it all. She acts religious but is very two-faced and judgemental. She thinks its okay to let my son play with toy guns even though i said no, she talks bad about me ,LIES, in front of him, thinks that spoiling is letting him talk back and cuss. Me and her almost had a serious fight one day because she was talking s%$t to me in front of my son. She thought that my husband paid for everything and accused me of using him. She didnt even know I worked and was paying more bills than her son. She didnt even raise her kids because she wanted to be in the streets sleeping with different guys yet she tried to judge me and talk bad about my strict parenting.Her mom raised all 3 of her kids. She recently had to move in with us for 4 months because she lost her job and apartment. I put up with a lot for as long as I could. One day I sat down and just started talking to her. Telling her how I felt about everything. How Damien is MY child and to let ME and MY HUSBAND raise him. How her beliefs are different from mine and she is entitled to her own opinion while keeping it her OWN opinon and keeping it to herself. I told her that I wanted to get along due to the fact that I know my son loves her. I made it clear that we were doing a great job raising him and pointed out the way he is. I told her i would appreciate it if she could not interfere in our lives the way she had been doing. She actually gave me cudos on how good of a son he is and how well he is behaved. Said she could see living here that i am a good woman to her son and a goo mother to her grandson. She got to see how much I do and all the bills I pay,, AND got to see how much her son does NOT do and how lazy he is. Said she respected me for basically being a single mom. My husband is laaaazzy. I just think she would have never admitted that or changed if I hadnt started the conversation that day. She has backed off a whole lot.
Maybe you should just sit down face to face with her and have a heart to heart. I believe avoiding her or the topic will just prolong the agony. It will start to interfere with family functions all the time if you dont lay it all out and get it straight.
Hope it works out. Goodluck.

I am very religious, and I see no problem with what you did. You even apologized where her sister gave more offense. I can see where they might feel sad that you don't get involved religiously, but regressing to treating that way really denies everything they profess to believe in. I know that people make mistakes, and hopefully that's the case with her sister.
It reminds me of my mother, growing up she saw what her mother referred to as her father's 'Christian' friends, in exasperation because they truly thought they were not accountable for what they did. They were saved. Anyway, in her mind, if someone had asked if she were Christian, she would have said no way, because those people did bad things to one another.
At any rate, there is a scripture that says to be bold but not overbearing. Your MIL knows you aren't religious, she keeps shoving it in your face anyways, she's basically teaching your children against your will. You have a lot of recourse here. Your children are yours and she has no parental rights. You can change your email. You can go anywhere you want with this, near or far. Be careful with starting a war - it sounds like you are already, and get your husband's support as far as you need it.

I'm a christian and both of my kids and myself go to church and my kids are into awanas at church and we do upward through my church my husband refuses to go to church with us but does not forbid us to be involved and doesn't say anything about us going. So yes they need to respect you and your religious beliefs as well as who you are they are not following in there religion if they are judging you or pressuring you! I would send out an e-mail to everybody and ask them to respect you religion because when you are with them you respect theirs!! Good Luck and God Bless!

I feel for you. I love my MIL, but I have a very different viewpoint than her about food and eating, and whenever she comes to visit, I find myself having to bite my tongue a lot so I don't snap at her!

One question comes to mind - where does your husband stand about this? If he's in agreement with you about not wanting to be preached to (or having the kids endure the religious stories), I would think that the two of you should sit down together with your in-laws and explain that while you appreciate their right to their own beliefs, you would prefer it if they do not share their religious views with you (including emails) or your children unless you specifically request or approve it. Let them know that you intend to educate your children about religion in your own way and at your own pace, and that if you would like their input, you will certainly ask them if/when the time comes. And thank them for respecting your rights as parents on this matter.

If you go to their house, you may not have much control over exposure to their beliefs, but you could limit their access to the kids at your house, or in other situations, if they fail to abide by your request.

Best of luck!

Oh, how I can relate.

My husband grew-up in a strongly Baptist church, and I grew-up in a Catholic environment (though we were not good practicing Catholics all the time).
My mom had converted to Catholicism when she met my father and always instilled in us that we should take our own spiritual journey to discover which religion is best for us. My sister has, and she's moved in and out, and in and out of churches over the past few years and is finally born again.

My in-laws know nothing other than what they have practiced, and I am uncomfortable in their environment. It's much different from who I am, but like you, I respect it when I am there with them because it's expected and the right thing to do.

However, my sister has recently become quite vocal in preaching to me. I was diagnosed with cancer in June, 2008. She never came to see me while I was being treated, never told her kids how important it was to skip baseball games to see their ill aunt. But, now that I'm well, she's begun preaching to me telling me that I'm a heathen and am going to hell for my sins.

My husband has a hard time controlling his temper when we get those messages because he grew-up in that environment and believes she's being very hypocritical and judgmental - traits not supported by the beliefs of the church.

I choose to bite my tongue and not respond to her messages because it's not worth it. She can only see my flaws in her eyes but can not see her own. So, I ignore her.

Regarding your situation, I believe you've done all you can do at this point in time. If they don't accept your apology, they're not really living what they're preaching, and it will further open your eyes to who you choose to be and believe in.

Interestingly, cancer pulled me closer to my spirituality - it drove my husband further from his. We're all on this individual path, and I believe the harder people push us in their direction, the more we want to go the opposite way.

Good luck resolving things with your in-laws.

Can't you just not read the religious emails? It can't be a big deal to just not read them. You sometimes have to choose your battles, and if it's easy enough to delete, I think I would've never said anything. As far as your kids go, are your nonbeliefs to the point where you literally don't want your kids to learn about God? Because if so, then you need to ask your husband to talk with his parents, but do not do it yourself out of respect for your husband and his parents. If you're not completely anti religion, then why would it matter if the kids' grandparents tell the kids about God? People who believe in God also believe that if you don't come to know him, you won't go to heaven. So, because of their love for your kids, they are going to want to teach them about God. Now, they'll have to respect your wishes if you're not wanting the kids to know anything about God, but it will break their hearts, so be ready and patient since it will take them some time to come to grips with it. You definitely don't want to push your non beliefs on your kids, but you can say "grandma believes in.......Mommy and Daddy believe in.......As you grow, you'll have the opportunity to learn about things and decide what YOU believe in"

I am in the same boat as you pretty much. While my husband and I do have similar beliefs...we're not as practiced as they are. His mother constantly buys my daughter religious books, dvds, tells her stories, and buys her Noah's Ark paintings and pillows and stuff. I don't know how your inlaws are...but mine I think try to force their religion on everyone and if you don't do it their way...they don't think you're right. I finally just sat down with them. My husband, like your husband never wanted to get involved and ignore what was going on...but I told him he NEEDED to back me on this. He's your husband and he needs to support you. You're now being attacked for simply replying to an email and your husband needs to tell his family to repsect HIS beliefs and respect his wife and family.
I say this because I had a few conversations with my inlaws about various issues and they never got resolved UNTIL my husband said something too. Good luck.

You did the right thing. Stand up for yourself. Also your children will grow up in your house. HTey see your strong values and know how you see things. As they get older they will see their Grandparents for who they are. If they are too religious for the children they will make that choice.
WE have a different sort of issue here. My teens and 21 year old understand Grandma. My 9 year old thinks she is the cat's meao. It's OK he will get it one day.

Well, all you did was ask to be removed from an email list, right? If so, then stick to your guns. You have a right to not receive mass emails. Personally, I'd put her in the "spam" folder. I'm sure what you get your husband also gets so you won't miss any important details. Then you don't have the stress of even deciding what to do with it.
As far as your husband......he IS in the middle of it. It's his family. How does he feel about the whole religious thing? If he is on the same page with you, then you need to just keep up a united front as to what your children are taught regarding God and religion.
I would stop leaving my kids alone with them. If it is that important to you, just stop leaving them in a position to have to hear!
Good luck to you. Especially with this weekend!

similar things have happened in my family too. your inlaws will have to work this one out on their own. it sometimes is hard for a person who feels that they gain so much from their religion to accept that others don't choose it for themselves. you may want to have someone other than your husband critique your emails that you sent to your family to see if in fact you are coming across in an offensive way. i have an uncle who thinks he has had open and honest conversations with my mom about religion, when actually he has been surprisingly disrespectful and mean, both in person and in his emails. and he doesn't realize that his fake respect for our religion is hurtful. my mom would send mass emails with an inspirational quote. she was simply sharing something she learned, something she enjoyed, with everyone because she loves them. (which is very possibly what your inlaws are doing by telling your children stories from their religion, not trying to trick you) but my mom's brother took it personally and felt she was shoving religion down his throat. if you are unsure of your inlaws' intentions when they speak of religious things, you should ask them what their intentions are. perhaps this will help them to consider your intentions as well instead of assuming worse. it takes compromise on both ends and sometimes takes years to reach a comfort zone. good luck! and God bless! ;)

Well, I accidently did a “reply all”

Email offended me greatly

Ultra religious

Husband is a peacemaker

Dear S.,

When replying to an email sent only to you, if you hit reply all it generally doesn’t include those who were not on the original email. Did you husband’s mother copy the whole family on the email she sent you?

There are families of different cultures, races, faiths, and religions which include agnostics and atheists, etc., who prefer that their adult children and their life partner embrace their same beliefs. Why? Your post along with many others on this site, are perfect examples of the conflict, pain and feelings of disrespect that can occur when families are in discord.

In an effort to avoid conflict, some people elect to “convert” to their future husband or wife’s religion or belief. Some couples opt to keep their own respective beliefs and raise their children in one or both, which can be very confusing. Some couples opt to keep their own respective beliefs and raise their children in either the father or mother’s beliefs. Some do nothing.

What you consider as your husband’s family being disrespectful, your husband’s family considers spreading the word as a sacred obligation. He’s in the middle because he loves you and he loves and honors his mother, father and family, and perhaps deep down, while he no longer practices the faith in which he was brought up, deep down he may still hold those teachings as truth.

I wish you well.

hopefully now that the emails are sent it will blow over. I don't think you need to apologize for the reply all. I did that once in frustration--and I got removed from everyone's list-- :) different topic matter but still worked out well. I may have offended some but no one blatantly attacked me as your aunt-in-law is that right? my response would have been, No? why are you?
I'm all for getting along but I learned years ago in my own family to set boundaries that kept me emotionally safe. now I'm married there are boundaries with my in-laws for our family to be a family first and live as we feel is important. when people become toxic in how they share their beliefs I bust out my boundaries. whether its racism, thinking Christmas should be spent all day with grandparents/aunts/uncles and if you don't feel that way there is something wrong with you *that's where it gets toxic* I set up clear boundaries and I don't budge.
a book my dad recommended to me years ago was how to hug a porcupine. it helped me to get some of the language down on how I need to word things to state clear boundaries without cutting someone out of our lives--if it doesn't work I will though. I won't be disrespected like that. My dh has a hard time standing up for me because he's a peace keeper always has been but I get really mad when he doesn't because I think that the spouse of the family where the issue lies is the one that should handle their family. He's working on that out of respect for me even though it is uncomfortable for him, and since he deploys so much I've learned to do it for myself when I need to--as gently as possible. I'm on good speaking terms with all in laws at present so I think its working. :)
Hugs, so sorry--and hang in there.
(we don't talk religion with MY mom because she is very black and white--lol, I learned years ago to just not broach the topic with her unless I wanted a fight. the one thing I do respect about her is she'll say her mind and then let it go, she doesn't bring it up over and over or push it on us or on my daughter or my exchange kids, I don't think she would have been as wise 20 years ago...)

If you don't do anything, you're kids will later, I am sure. My brother and I were forced to say the rosary every night when we visited my grandparents. Church consisted of a 2-3 hour ceremony where I had to wear a veil and a skirt. My grandmother to this day is extremely religious to the point of being racist and hateful. I avoid visiting her despite her calls. When I do, i make sure all my tattoos are showing and let her know all of the "sinful" things I do. My granmother spends most of her days alone now and I really couldn't care.

Oddly, I am actually a fairly religious person. I am just bitter to people like that. The in-laws might want to reconsider their force. It may just backfire.

S., would you be able to invite your MIL out to lunch and sit down and have a real conversation about how you both feel? I realize that this might not be possible (I have a SIL who has recently become estranged from us but refuses to say why) but if you could do it, maybe she would be a little more respectful. I find that bringing things out into the open often strengthen the lines of communication. However, you have to have two people that are capable of communicating and are respectful for this to work. Good luck!

You've already done your part and in my opinion went beyond your part by apologizing to everyone, you do not need to feel bad or explain anything to anyone if you have made a simple request. But now that the door is open you may be able to address the issues you have with leaving your kids alone with your in-laws and some of their teachings, this is a good time to talk with your husband and find out where you both are with his parents and their beliefs, if you both find it harmless and you can live with it, consider it a gift to teach your children to open up about discussions about God or if you both find it too confusing for the kids and you both have beliefs that are not congruent than approach your in-laws.

But by all means your husband needs to support you in whatever you do after all it is his family.

i think you did your part. and actually reply to all mistake you did is not a mistake. you asked not to be email stuff like that, and i hope everyone read your email.
i have the religious hypocrites too. my inlaws, all of them. we had a blow out one time re: a dog. a dog from their family ended up at our house. i never agreed to having a dog. i never had a pet, i am nervous around dogs, and while i was trying to make it work, for my husband's sake, i got an email from SIL, saying:
do you know dog spelled backwards is GOD? so if you don't like dogs that means...?
hah that sealed the deal for me. the dog was out the next day.
mine are religious people, yet the biggest hypocrites i have ever met. they disguise who they really are by claiming to be religious.

You have received so many awesome responses and I have to agree that you have gone above and beyond in apologizing, and I would imagine that in time this episode will blow over. And even though you didnt want the email to go to everyone, at least it was a reminder to your family that you do not share in their religious beliefs and that they need to keep that in mind, perhaps they will back off a bit now.
My extended family is very religious, it affects everything in their life. My mom will try to teach my kids religion as well when they stay with her. It is a bit annoying, especially since the kids do take it as the "truth" since it is coming from Grandma, and they are quite young. However, I have decided not to make an issue out of it, and I talk to my kids about how everyone in this world has different beliefs and that I dont believe in some of the things Grandma does but that my kids can choose what they want to beleive when they get older.

No easy answer to the old mil quarry! If you didn't mean any disrespect, and have apologized, then you don't need to worry about it any further. I used to have a horrible time worrying about my MIL, but then realized all the anguish I felt didn't affect her at all...she wasn't even aware of my feelings! Don't beat yourself up, remember the biggest claim to faith is forgiveness, which can be a blessing, if your MIL needs to be reminded, that is also biblical when done in love. You don't have to agree with her views, being a christian doesn't mean you wear it on your sleeve, it means you wear it in your heart. Doesn't sound like the "sister" was too sisterly, maybe she should go back to reading some scriptures re: love one another! Of course we all want our families to get along, and faith is something that should never come between us. My grown daughter somehow along the way has lost all sense of faith as I understand it, which is like a stab to my heart with some of her comments, but unconditional love is the most christian and motherly thing a woman can give her children. At any age. If your MIL sees you demonstrating this trait with her grandchildren, she can't really have anything to complain about now can she? Sometimes just demonstrating that unconditional love can overcome anything, without having to feel like a carpet.. Not many MIL can feel like fighting when your killing them with kindness!! Please don't misread, I said kindness, not stepped on! You can always turn it around and remind MIL, is this how I should demonstrate Gods love? when she misbehaves. Ask her if she is demonstrating what a christian looks like when shes nasty? Then offer to pray to her god for her!! It worked for me! Best of luck and hang in there!

I too was raised in a religious family and am not religious myself. I find it kind of funny that of all my family I am the only one who was not addicted to drugs and living a criminal life. I am the only one who was not "lost" and therefore have no rerason to be "found". My brothers and my father have all turned to the church for salvation from a bad life. But i am perfectly happy and have been in control of my own life. The Interesting thing about religion too, is the teaching of peace and loving one another, but one cannot be peaceful when insisting they they are right and anything else is wrong. The key to peace is admitting that you may not be right. And most religious people refuse to do this.
It is difficult to live in a world where people see you as bad because you do not believe, when most of us who don't believe, have no criticism of those who do. We're expected to keep our views to ourselves, while some of those who are religious are so concieted and feel they can flaunt all they want because they are right.
I am sorry it doesnt sound like you have much support from your husband.
It can be difficult to challenge your own family. I know I don't even argue with my own family about religion. I just let it be, because maybe they are right. Who really knows anyway. Keep the peace right?
I guess i feel that religious beliefs are symbolic as opposed to factual. And the symbolism is fine with me as long as it is not destructive like mysoginstic or racist. i think it is fine to let my child learn about religion from all perspectives and let them decide for themselves. i am sure you are educated and can share your views with your children to counter what their other family members say to them. the only way to truely let our children believe what they want to and feel is right is to have all perspectives to choose from. it is wrong to teach one 'truth' no matter what it is.

My MIL is 7th day Adventist. Her son, my hubby practices nothing as he said his whole childhood was knocking on peoples door and asking them if they were saved. He was turned off. I'm Catholic. Hubby lets me raise our son Catholic as he doesn't have a specific connection. My MIL respects what we teach our son and told me before we got married that she would never push her agenda on us and future kids. That as a Christian she loves everyone and prays for everyone. I say tell your MIL and FIL to practice what they preach about being a good Christian, and NOT judge or push their beliefs on your kids who are not being raised that way. You apologized that's all you can do. As I always say to anyone who has done their part in trying to smooth out a conflict....Keep it moving life is tooooo short.

Well IF, they are really "Good Christians" they will accept your apology and move on. They would also respect your beliefs.

If they are they will continue to shove their beliefs on you, then you will all know what they really are.

Hello S.,
A few replies down, Toni V has a point. She's right that your husband doesn't want to iffend his parents and he also doesn't want to offend his family with you. This point is really at the root of the problem.

As the true "middle man" between these two families I believe that he should sit down with you and the two of you should discuss all of the religious factors between your families. Parenting is about having a united front to, not only your children, but to everyone else as well. If you both agree that your in laws teaching your children their beliefs os not okay, then that topic should be approached--by the two of you--to your in laws. This goes with all of the other topics as well, prayers, emails and so on.

If your husband shruggs you off, or doesn't feel that it is important enough to talk to his parents about then you need to explain to his that your children and the two of you do not practice these things at home, why would you allow someone else to do it when you're not at home?

Religion is a huge hot topic for a lot of people. Generally when you explain that you would prefer not to take part in the "actvities" everyone gets offended and feels even more encouraged to "save you".

This is not acceptable social behavior. Please remind your husband and your in laws that SOCIAL PRESSURE to be part of a religion, a political party, the cool kids on the playground, smoking with your "friends", having sex with someone all of these things are the same. Someone is put in a position to do womething they don't want to but feel obligated to accept.

This is the position your in laws are puting your entire family in.

Good luck.

Amen to Ivonne--great advice! Your husband and you need to have a talk with your in-laws and ask them to respect your beliefs (or lack of--whichever it is).

I haven't read all the responses, but my sister has this problem, and this is what I have told her. 1. Her husband should be the one to address this, but he doesn't, so she needs to if she wants it to stop. 2. You are being respectful of their beliefs, they need to be respectful of yours.

First the email, you should never feel bad for asking to be taken off of someone's spam email list. If you did it respectfully and just asked to be removed, it is their problem if they take it personally.

While at their house, there, unfortunately, are always issues or topics that come up that you have to bite your tongue and just ignore and move on with. I have sometimes said I have to go to the bathroom, just to relax my jaw for a few moments. I think this is the only part of keeping the peace that you need to worry about.

With your children, you need to let them know that while these are their beliefs, and you respect them, that that is not how you are raising your children, and you would appreciate it if they would refrain from these topics as lessons. Maybe you don't have a problem if they tell your children what THEY believe and have an open discussion, but telling them it is the truth, is stepping over the line. Know what you are comfortable with, and let them know. Also, talk to your kids (if they are old enough), and let them know that this is what the grandparents believe, but not what you believe and have them come to you with any questions. A great way to open up the door to spiritual conversations This way you can address the information that they are being fed, and know that they are still being fed it, after the conversation.

Good luck.

S., i think you are completely off the hook at this point. i realize there are people who won't agree, unfortunately, people in your family. BUT, i am sure you were polite and respectful, knowing you were sending this email to your MIL, right? so the fact that it went to everyone, shouldn't be too big of a deal. it's not like you said things to her you would be embarrassed for others to hear. yes, you didn't want to open that can of worms with his ENTIRE family, but it's open now, and you've apologized. on the up side, maybe some of the pressure will be taken off now they have been reminded you're not in agreement with them on religious matters. bottom line, i don't think you were out of line at all. and whatever drama was caused, you did apologize and meant no disrespect. that should be the end of it. if they continue to harp on it, there's not much you can do. hang in there. it's just one of life's little awkward moments!