I have a question I sometimes worry about this when I'm in need of something to worry about=) Apparently my brain searches for things and creates hypothetical future sittuations to worry about.
This is in regards to step kids and new babies that are made
My boyfriend treats Emmy as his own completely and loves that way as well. We;ve talked about having a baby in the future(whenever he decides to stinking propose), and the fear of Emmy being treated diferently comes up in my head from time to time when pondering this future. It sometimes makes M. question whether having a child together in the future would hurt things.
Would i overanalyze and compare his relationship to emmy to that of his/our child
Would i do the same with his parents? currently they treat emmy diferent then other grandkids (and she's not officially a grandkid yet anyway) but i dont see that changing. although they do make an effort to treat her the same when the others are around, but i can see how it would be hard to create a bond from the age of 4 to 6 (how long they've know emmy) vs their own kids children whom they've known since day one.
Ha Jo , yea i dont even need to worry about it since its not in the near future, but still it makes M. worry about choosing to in the future. yea i know it will get treated diferently then a older kid but i mean as far as rules, punnishments, cuddling, and so on....it will all be more natural with a new baby so i wonder if it will upset M. when i see it getting treated diferently as that kid ages
What if you treat the new baby differently, which you will, because it is a newborn and they require more attention!
J. giving you trouble, relax already!!
I have a BIL who is my role model when it comes to this.
He married my husband's sister after a little over a year and a half of dating, when her daughter was four.
He was COMPLETELY invested in the relationship. Not only did he love my SIL and niece but he SHOWED it by marrying her and making her daughter his own, in every way that he could, emotionally, financially and legally.
They had a baby boy of their own when my niece was seven, and even though they are seven years apart they are treated exactly the same, in every way, not only by my husband's family, but my BIL's family as well.
You get to CHOOSE who to bring into your daughter's life.
Please choose people who love her and TREAT HER LIKE FAMILY, 100% equal, 100% of the time.
The fact that you are even questioning this is troubling.
So is the fact that you're "waiting" for your BF to propose.
Who even DOES that anymore?
If he's not that into you (and/or your child) find someone who IS, life is too short, and you and your daughter are worth more that that!
I don't think that your daughter will be treated differently from how she currently is, but what you will see is how a biological child is treated differently. And there is a difference - yeah, supposedly some families manage to truly love and treat biological children and step-children the same, but I haven't met one where that's actually true unless the other parent has disappeared completely. Having a 3rd parent in the picture naturally alters the dynamic of the parent-child relationship. The reality is that your boyfriend, if he ever becomes your husband, will be the one and only Dad to a new baby. Because his role won't be peripheral or secondary like it is with your daughter, who has you first and her bio Dad second with maybe the boyfriend 3rd in line (and probably not, because she may be closer to her biological grandparents, aunts or uncles) his bond with the baby will be different from the relationship that he has with your daughter. And frankly, that's OK. She has parents already who both love her, and he's not one of them. He's someone else who may love her, but it's not the same way that primary parents love their children.
As far as the grandparents go, have some faith. Right now she is their son's girlfriend's daughter. She isn't family. My experience has been that once a relationship becomes a marriage, the grandparents can have an easier time than step-parents because their roles are already removed by a level or two. Once my husband and I got married, my son and his daughter were treated equally by both of our families. My in-laws introduced my son as their grandson, my mother watched my SD after school twice a week J. like she did my son, etc.
I have a step-sister, she's older. I know Mom loves us both, she devoted her life to my father and his daughter(my sis) by choice. I have no doubt that the love she feels for us both is both equal and different at the same time. I think of it like a mother loving more then one child. She may feel a little closer to one then the other, but still love them both so completely. So long as the children never see or feel a difference from mom or dad all is good.
I think it will help to be open and honest with your "husband" let him help keep you accountable to the children and vice versa. If either of you starts favoring one over the other have the security and love to call it out.
My sister was 5 when my mother and father married, she was 9 when I was born. The only "trouble" we had was due to being to far apart in age. She was my idol and I was a pest. :) All in all we did get along mostly.
Step grand kids will always be different. That's J. the way it will be. When a grandmother has to chose between a blood grandchild and a step grand child she will chose the one that is her son's or daughter's over one that is a DIL's or SIL's. That is the way it should be too.
I think that if they show her love and accept her into the family then they are doing what is right. She is a child above all that needs to know she is cared for. Not that she is not liked for something not of her own doing...
So her placement in your boyfriends family should have no bearing what so ever on the choice to have or not have children with this man. If you love him and want to be with him and be a family then be a family and have a dozen kids if you want to.
My sister has two sets of two children from her two marriages. It all depends on keeping expectations in check and communication open.
My sisters first husband has stayed very involved in his 2 girls lives, they share custody and he makes use of his weekends with the girls - even though it's a 3 hour RT drive for him to pick them up. He and my sis have remained civil after the divorce.
There has NEVER been any expectation of him or his parents that they would in any way be involved with her other two children. When ex picks up the older kids he is nice to the younger ones, but that's about it. Everyone is happy with that arrangement.
My sisters new husband has of course accepted her older kids as stepkids and they get along great. He does not try to replace their dad nor does he get too involved in disciplining them - he leaves that to my sis. Not that he never tells them to clean up after themselves or little things like that - but he is not in general their main disciplinarian.
My sister usually schedules visits to his side of the family for weekends when her ex picks up the older kids. Neither set of kids feels somehow slighted by not having a relationship with the other side. It's what they grew up with and they know they have their own grandparents.
It works out GREAT for them.
So as you see by creating and respecting healthy boundaries they make their patchwork family work. There have been very few hiccups along the way - I have to be honest I didn't think she would be able to work it out that smoothly.
I think expecting of his family to accept your DD as their grandkid is a bit much. Yes, maybe that will happen in time - maybe not. I would hope that she has contact to her paternal grandparents and that would compensate for that.
By choosing to have children with different partners you must be aware that you are creating a family in which not all relationships are equal. They may be very similar. they may grow as time goes on, but simply saying that they will become all the same is J. denial. I think it would be more realistic to anticipate problems and make a plan how to deal with them.
I would strongly suggest that you get pre-marital counseling with your BF before you take the plunge and discuss the step-family dynamics, your expectations and how you intend to deal with problems together.
Good luck.
It is possible that that could happen, and it will hurt a lot if it does. It's a good sign, though, if your boyfriend already treats her like his own.
Would you overanalyze? I don't know you, so I can't say. I think it will be pretty obvious if he treats them differently -- it won't take a lot of analysis.
If his parents treat them differently, that will be annoying, but it will not be devastating like it will if he treats them differently. The parents are irrelevant.
But he sounds like a pretty great guy so far; I think you should stop creating this hypothetical future situation. :)
My cousin married a woman who already had a daughter. Her daughter was about 5 or 6 when they got married. He loved that little girl like his own, and adopted her. They went on to have three more children and he has always treated the oldest daughter the same as his own biological kids.
If it's a matter of not knowing her vs not liking her, then consider including them in things so they get to know her better. It may also be that their son may love her but hasn't proposed, so they hold back til he does. If you see favoritism in the new child vs Emmy then you and he need to talk to them about how not to hurt the kids' feelings.
People will be who they will be and you can't base a decision on whether to have a baby on others. If you want another child, she will be part of your family and you will all love her. You'll probably make an extra effort to let your daughter know she is still special. But I would guess that this question comes up somewhat (re. how the relationships will change within your family) even in non-step families when there is a large age range, because each child is different, you learn new things, do things differently, etc. Try not to over analyze. Thinking about it a bit is normal. Picking it apart won't help - it'll J. make you crazy.
