Do Step Parents Ever Love Their Step Kids as Much or Close to as Much as a Bio?

I know that Troy loves my kids like they were his own. I even offered to have J. one more so he could have a biological child, he said he is J. fine as it is.

That could be because my kids have wayyyyy too much energy but I will take it.

He always wanted kids he feels like he does now. Does that help?

I have an ex who has a step-child that he thinks of as his child (he is divorced from the mother and has a biological child with her in addition to the step-child; they were not together very long, only about 2 years). She calls him dad. He treats her like he treats his biological child. It can happen, but I think it is rare. And I think part of the reason why it is rare is because often times a step-parent is told that they are not allowed to parent the child (no discipline, no sharing of responsibility, etc.).

It really does depend upon the person.

My ex actually loved my boys more than his own son. And I won't lie, I can understand why. I couldn't stand his jerk of a kid. I know it seems shallow, but that's J. how it was.

The bottom line is that there are no guarantees either way. J. a different perspective.

Can I answer from the other side of the fence? My mom remarried when I was 6 (my bio dad died when I was 2) and I KNOW he did not love M. as much as he loved his own kids. But I don't know how much that had to do with circumstance, personality and "parenting" expectations. It took M. a long time to get past the fact that I was never going to be good enough for him- and I truly resented my Mom for a long time for marrying him. In my eyes she ALLOWED him to mistreat M. because she loved him.

Of course - I was a child - and I eventually grew up. I"m now almost 40 and my "step dad" has been my "dad" for 30 years. I think he truly loves M. J. like the rest of his bio-kids - and I KNOW he loves my kids more than words.

I understand your fear - I have always promised myself that if I was even in a position to remarry I would ONLY marry someone that really truly loved my kids - and have actually made my husband promise the same thing.

I guess my point is love doesn't have to be instantaneous - but it can grow to be something special over time. I have regrets about my childhood and young adult life - but mostly they circle around all the anger I held at my step dad and mom - and I'm really happy and proud to say that I have finally - in the last 3 years or so - reached a place where I am full of love for both my parents - despite our collective shortcomings.

:-)

Do I love my stepkids? Yes. Do I love them as much as DD? No. Do THEY love M. as much as their bioparents? No.

I think that you can find someone who will love your DD but expecting it to be a one-for-one the way you feel about her (and vice versa) may be asking more than their relationship can handle. Which is not to say that there aren't loving steps (kids and parents) and that you can't have a happy family. I also think it depends a LOT on how your ex handles it, how old your child is, and what the overall situation is. If your child has conflicting loyalties, then it will be harder for full acceptance. Having a stepchild, especially with another parent in the picture, is not the same, and I think that sometimes we do ourselves a disservice to expect everything to be equivalent.

And, every relationship is different. I have known my cousins' kids since birth, but I feel much closer to my nephew, for whom I am his godmother. It isn't that the kids are treated poorly but sometimes you J. have deeper connections and if the future spouse knew that kid from birth, I'd expect him to have a deeper connection (especially at first) for that other child. Quite frankly, the relationship is coming in late to the game and expectations should be adjusted accordingly.

I have heard that it takes 7 years to blend. I'm on 10 and we're doing pretty well, but there's always something...

It all depends on the situation. My husband loves my oldest as much as our youngest. He even adopeted him when he was 5. His family does not treat him any differently. I prayed for a long time that God would bring M. a man that would love my son as much as he loved M.. I joke with my husband that he fell in love with my son before him.

Good luck and God Bless!

I think it is completely possible for a stepparent to love his or her stepchildren as much as any biological children. Parents and stepparents alike develop relationships with the children in their lives. Sometimes the relationship grows very quickly and other times it takes a long time. Some adults enjoy children more than others. Some adults make better parents than others. Some children are easier than others. There are many factors to any relationship which can negatively or positively impact the ultimate health and love contained within the relationship.

The single biggest hurdle in my opinion are obstructive parents who intentionally undermine the stepparent-child relationship. It's hard to fight a losing battle against an ex-spouse who is dead set on poisoning any relationship his or her child may develop post-divorce.

As in all things in this life it is about communication, respect and reasonable expectations. Any relationship takes time and energy to develop and the very nature of any relationship will change over time. Relationships are like gardens. There are seasons to every garden and every garden requires maintenance, hard work, patience and time to blossom to its full potential. With even the best gardener all gardens experience struggles from time to time.

I can answer for myself and that answer is YES. I do love my wifes kids as much as my own and treat them as such. I can also say that if asked they would answer that they know I love them. And on the other hand, my wife loves my kids J. as much as her own.
As far as meeting someone with that trait, that is a loooonnnggg talk you will have to have. Background plays a role, upbringing, role in society, thoughts on kids/having kids, financial goals, structered childhood. A ton of things will let you know this way in advance. This is only my opinion, good luck

I love my stepsons, but I have not been allowed to really develop any real bonds with them, so I kinda resent them, now. I came into it ready to treat them like my own, freely giving of myself and my resources, but I was immediately pushed back and told that I was overstepping and "trying too hard", etc. I don't think that finding out what he likes to eat so I can add it to the grocery list is trying too hard.

I don't even have time to say it all here now, but I strongly suggest that you get a therapist involved who deals with blending families. Your eyes will be opened to things that you can't even know about if you haven't done it.

As a women -- Yes, I love my step kids. Are they mine, no. What is difficult is when the bio mom/stepfather/hubby/myself can't get on the same page. It's more of an adult battle than a kid battle. Kids are loveable - -they are so innocent. I love my step kids and I don't care how many times bio mom reads Cinderella. My stepdaughter calls M. her "other mommy."

Your question has M. ask? Are adopted kids loved enough?

I'll take the side of the kid here.

My parents divorced/remarried by the time I was six. I am now 34. Do my stepparents love M. as much as their bios? I absofreakinglutely believe they do. IT does however, take time and there were times when I second guessed that as a teenager. I got VERY lucky, in many ways I'm closer to both step parents than I am bio parents.

However, yes there is one...I do have one set of step grandparents that care about M. and my kids but do they love M.? Not the same as the bio-grandkids. I once her her say after my brother was born "I finally got a grandkid"...can't change that. It's ok...i've always known it, never really bothered M. they aren't fake about it. But they do wonder why I go to see my "other step grandma" all the time...and that's because she never treated M. as a "step".

It depends on the person, it depends on the kid, and most of all I think it depends on the generation, do they have experience with step families? If they do they already know the ins/outs...if not it is a learning process for them too.

Good luck.

Is it possible? Sure.
Is it a guarantee? Nope.

I think the important thing is that the child thinks their step parent loves them J. as much. Impartiality is a must.

the answer would easily be yes. but it rarely is. why? many reasons, such as bio parent undermining the stepparent. another reason, if the child was not very young when the step-parent came into life, then the child will grow up resisting that relationship, to the point of pushing the step-parent away. i have seen this happen so many times especially in same gender, for example girl towards stepmother or boy towards step-father. any child can easily be loved without any blood ties if it weren't for these influences. sadly.

My husband is J. as close to my oldest son as he is our two. He loves my other two boys, but I can see the different level between them and the other three. I don't know if its because they are only together 50 % of the time? They are at their dad's 50% of the time.

But he does love all of them. He doesn't treat ANY of the kids any different. He hugs all of them and tells all of them he loves them when leaving or before bed time. He makes sure he is at all of the kids games, concerts what ever they are doing. when people asks him how many kids he has.. he very proudly states 5.

He doesn't explain that 3 are step kids... they are all his kids in his book. When talking to someone he hadn't seen in a long time and asked how many kids he had. He said 5 and a friend of his said... yeah but 3 of them aren't your kids, they are your step kids. He got really mad and corrected them! He said I don't have step kids. I have 5 kids, they are all mine. I have 5 kids not J. two that I love more than life. J. because 2 of them go to thier Dad's doesn't make them any less mine.

I fell deeper in love with him at that moment. Yes its possible for someone to love all of thier kids as much as thier own. You J. have to find the right one.

First of all, how do you measure love? I don't think it can be measured. It can change, grow, develop, and show in behaviors toward a person, but it can't be measured and compared. It shouldn't be compared.

A parent can love each of their biological children differently. That doesn't mean they love one more than the other, J. differently. Comparisons there can lead to hurt, resentment, and anger.

I have been a stepmom for 26 years. My two stepkids were 18 months and 4 years old when we moved in together, I had known them from babies. It was a difficult adjustment, and the 18 month-old made her dislike of M. very obvious! Her brother liked M. from the beginning. We gradually began to build a relationship. It took years. We are now very close and I am "Gramma S." to my grandchildren.

I also have a 9 year-old daughter. Do I love her more? Or do I love her differently? I'd say differently. The closeness that builds from pregnancy, birth, through caring for her as a baby, breastfeeding, etc. is something I did not get to experience with her brother and sister.

Also, a stepchild already has a mother. Even if I had wanted to be their mother, that wasn't going to happen. So, being a stepparent can be a loving, caring, parenting role. But it is not a parent.

A potential stepparent needs to respect your children and be willing to be a parenting partner with you. A close relationship may or may not develop over time between them and your child. I think you can look for a person who is willing to step into this challenging role, and to work through the adjustment that it takes, but you can't measure their love.

I have a daughter from my first marriage (she is almost 18), my husband has a son from his first marriage (he is 22), and we have two together that are 11 and 5. If you ask either one of us how many kids we have we will tell you 4! I have two sons and two daughters. I love all of them equally and would move heaven and earth for them. My husband will actually get upset if I by accident refer to my oldest girl as "my daughter" and not "our daughter". Even though she is close to her biological daddy, my husband has been in her life since she was 3 so-she is his too. They are all brothers and sisters as well. There are no "step" or "half" siblings. So, my answer is YES. It happens.

My sister absolutely adores and loves her 10 yr old step daughter like her own :-) But i have also seen people who J. like their step kids, or J. "put up" with them for the sake of their spouse.

It's kind of like, annoying things your kids do are ok ,bc they're YOUR kids. Other annoying kids bug you, bc they're not your kids. But you put up with it anyway, bc you love their mom/dad.

I would definitely answer a huge yes to that question! I was raised by my step dad however he is my dad. My bio father is a nice man whom I have a friendship with but he never raised M. or had a hand in my life. My dad(technically step)is one of the best people in my life. He became my step dad at the age of about 3. He wrote an endearing note to my mother when I was about 5/6 explaining that in spite of there being no blood relation between he and I he loves M. as he loves his eldest daughter. I never used the term step when I referenced him to anyone because in my mind he is my dad. I actually asked him at the age of 5 if I could please call him dad, as prior to that I was calling him by his name. My dad has actually told M. that he loves M. more the older I've gotten because he knows how much he means to M. and he knows he made the right move(in loving M..)

Yes. I do love my kids as much as I could imagine loving a biological child - is it sometimes a little awkward or more difficult - yes again. But I got them as teenagers, so I will never be quite as physically affectionate, especially with my stepson. I got him when he was 16, so we never did the cuddling thing, obviously.

I now have a little person of "my own", and love her more than the world, but the difference is more about age than anything else. I love them J. as much, but they need M. a lot less!

I think that you J. need to ensure that whoever you pick has the attitude that any child of yours is a child of theirs, and you'll do fine. After all, lots of bio parents are pretty lame too.

I would like to say there are some wonderful moms and dads out there that love their step children....but to think that they love a step child as much as their own...I don't think so. J. ask some step kids! My daughter was one...and the answer is...no...he loved his bio son...and after a few years into the marriage...it was very obvious that love is not how you could describe it.

Every family is different. Do I love my SD? Without question, yes. Is it the exact same love that I feel for my bio kids? Probably not, because I am not one of her primary parents. There is some level of "distance" because I have to respect her relationship with her mother, even when her mother behaves in ways that make M. want to grab her and tell her that she's not worthy of having a child as wonderful as my SD.

My husband definitely does not treat my son the same way he treats his bio-daughter and the two sons we have together and it's heartbreaking. I did not predict this when we were dating as he tried really hard to father my son (whose birth father is out of the picture) while we were dating and engaged but once we moved in together and got married, things changed. There is a level of resentment and jealousy there. We've been working on this over the years and have a great family therapist who is helping with this relationship and other family dynamics.

I think that regardless of how an adult feels, it's important the he or she treats all of the children equitably. I do for my SD anything that I would do for my own kids and expect the same of my husband.

At the end of the day, it's less about step- and bio- and more about the maturity, selflessness and desire to parent of the parent(s). As lousy as my husband has been over the years to my oldest son (not intentionally or maliciously, btw - it's unconscious) he's still been a million times more the man and father than my son's bio dad, who has been running from child support for 13 years. And I would argue that I may not love my SD to the same degree that her bio mom does, but I'm a hell of a better mother to her than she is. Sometimes it's not J. about love, but choosing every day to take the responsibilities of parenting as job #1 and put the kids first.

Yes! My stepfather loves M. and my brothers as much as his daughter. My FIL loved my husband as much as his own children. My grandfather loved my mom as much as his eight other kids.

My step mother was pretty mean to M., and is still dismissive of M. - my step dad on the other hand, easily loves M., and is as loving to M. as my own dad. And actually I will call on him before I would call on my own dad.

I think it depends on the situation. I know many step parents that love their step children like their own. Enough so to even adopt them if that is an option.
On the other hand my sil treats her step sons like they are horrible monsters. But that most likely is because they had an affair and she can't stand anything that has to do with his first wife.
So really it all depends on the person you are in a relationship with and how serious you are.

Yes I think it can be almost the same relationship, especially if the child and step parent get together when the child is very, very young. It depends on the relationship with their bio father and the age of the child and the man himself. If you marry a man who does not have a biological child, then he will accept the child as his and there will not be a comparison.

I swear, I think dad favored M. (and now another adopted child) over his own biological son, which is a HUGE point of contention between dad and I. My brother is awesome. Yes, you can grow to love someone with all of your heart even if they're not sharing your dna. For example, my husband is not related to M.. Yet I fell in love with him and love him more than anyone in the world, except my 2 children.
It's more about bonding than about dna. (Heck, to tell the truth, a girl may bond while still pregnant, as I felt I really knew my son before he was born...we shared moods, cravings, I felt what songs he "danced" to and what songs he got quiet over, and when he was born, I recognized the little rhythm that he kicked his feet to.....BUT my husband did not feel those things or share those things. He had to wait to bond until the baby was born, ya know?) And is a step parent's heart OPEN and READY to love and be loved? Is he/she wanting to love and provide, or will he/she be jealous or feel resentment that he/she is paying for someone that isn't biologically related to them? But can they love? Oh yes. And is it a guarantee that a parent will unconditionally love their biological child or that a child will magically feel loved and 100% happy with their relationship with their biological parent? Um, NO.

My step M. loves M. as much as my brother (her son). She has told M. many many times she couldn't love M. more if I was her child. However, we are good friends as well. My dad married her when I was 15, and it took a couple years for us to be as close as we are, but we did always get along. Now, to be honest, I am closer with her then my real M.. Her parents are great to M.- always send M. cards and welcome M. into their home- and they love my boys. I know they care for my brother- their real grandchild more- but they are super close with him and that is so fine with M.. I am an adult so I understand the relationships.
You didn't say how old your daughter was. but I suspect, since you are so concerned about your daughter, that you will wait until you have found the right man that does love your daughter as his own before you take it to that level. Good luck- you sound like very good M..

For M., I could not love any other child as much as I love my daughter. Her kids will be a close second.

That question has so many variables that it's hard to answer! Depends on so many factors...

First, what kind of family are you looking to create? I think that's the most important question. In some blended families the child and the step-parent are forced into one kind of relationship or another. For example, some step parents are constantly told to "step back" because the child is "not yours." That can change the type of relationship to more of a "friend" than a parent. If the child already has a mom in the picture--how could a step mom have the same kind of relationship to her stepchild than her bio child when she is NOT the mom of the stepchild?

Also, depends on the child. Some stepchildren do not like their step parent for many reasons. They are people and THEY don't have a choice in who their mom or dad falls in love with.

I think you are sometimes better off when they are younger because sometimes younger children are more accepting and it gives the child more bonding time in their life with the step parent.

I have a stepdaughter and I love her so much! She lives with us and I do so much for her and she for M.. I don't have any bio kids of my own, but I can't imaging loving a bio child MORE or LESS than her. Love isn't something you run out of! And I would treat all my children and stepchildren equally.

My husband knew what he wanted, and so did his daughter so when we all found each other we knew it was the right thing. For all of us.

I think you need to ask yourself what you want. It's out there, J. know what it is and recognize it when you find it. And don't settle for anything less!

It depends on the people involved. I love my step kids, even though they can drive M. nuts sometimes. They are not as close to M. as my own daughter, but I would never expect them to be. My family treats all the kids the same way. I also have step parents and I consider them my parents as well. My dad passed away back in the late 80's and I still call and keep in touch with my step mother.
If you are involved with someone and they do not have any attachment to your child then I would say that is a big red flag in the relationship. If someone loves you then they should be able to love your children as well. Your children are also a part of you. That goes for in-laws too.

My step dad raised M., and no one ever know i was not his blood daughter. My dad loved M. as much as he did his own kids. I went everywhere with him, and as far as care he was my only daddy. What people don't understand is a love of a child that is not blood is a greatest gift anyone could ever be giving. When you are blood there is that bound to love them, but when someone is not blood gives you the gift of loving you as a parent. It's bigger than anything because they don't have to they picked that person to give that gift to. There is no greater love than the love a child picks to give it to. Great song to listen to is " Raise Him Up By: Randy Travis"