Am I Asking Too Much? - Rochester,NH

It sounds like hubby has a hard time standing up to momma, so rather than continue to put him in the middle just speaking up right away. If she shows up with a gift for the girl and not the boys, intercept and say nicely that you do not want the boys to feel unloved by grandma so maybe she could save the gift for the girls birthday. If she calls and invites the girl to the fair, say no, and if she asks why not say it would not be fare to her brothers so you will just have family time together. eventually she will get it.

As for not telling her about the adoption, that is strange and I would ask him why he has not said anything.

Yes you are asking too much. I'm a gram myself so let me tell you how a gram thinks. You came to the marriage with 2 children which are not really her grandchildren. She didn't hold them as infants and didn't bond with them from the beginning. For some reason you feel she needs to embrace them as her son's children. She may or may not ever do that.

So she tried to build a bridge to the kids by bringing them something she knows they'll love; junk food. And instead of taken this and thanking her for being thoughtful you complain to your hubby. Just because she brings it doesn't mean the kids have to eat it. You could have easily throw it out when she left and been more gracious about it.

While I can understand that you want her to love all your children equally you are putting your husband in an awkward position as a go between. Instead of complaining about your mother in law why don't you make it easier for her to spend time with all the kids? Plan outings to the park and bring her along to play with them. Make sure your sons treat her well and make sure that you step back and let her develop a relationship with your sons.

From her point of view you are coming across as demanding and someone who wants things done her way only.

I've been in the position of having my kids date people with children and it's hard. I love kids but I'm always aprehensive to get involved with them because when it doesn't work out I lose that relationship.

Of course you want your children to be loved and treated equally. To you, they are equal. In the most perfect of worlds, your mother-in-law would be able to accept your sons as her own, even though by a father she never knew, and treat them with as much love and generosity as her by-birth granddaughter. That's the dream, but very seldom the reality.

Try putting yourself into this hypothetical situation. Your oldest has grown up and chosen a wife, who, just like you, already has children. You meet the woman – mmm, okay, you'll work on accepting her even though your "styles" are different. The kids? Well, they're strangers to you and you are a stranger to them. You didn't get to "choose" them as family – that was your son's doing. HE wants to be their dad. Fine. To you they are just kids. You might see the point from the start in "including them in," you might just want your "blood" granddaughter and wish you didn't have to be bothered by someone else's children.

So that's the situation. Here's the big question: Can you force yourself to love those older children? They were presented to you as part of a package deal after their personalities and habits were already formed. You met YOUR granddaughter as an infant, who would know you as family from birth.

Sadly, we don't live in that ideal world, and in the real one, people's feelings are not generally malleable, especially under pressure. I have tried really hard to "love" certain people IN my own family, including my mother. I'm sad to admit, the feelings just aren't there. I can't generate them at will. If my mom were to challenge me, to demand my love, the best I could do is pretend (and sometimes she does, and sometimes I do). And that feels pretty terrible, for me.

The simple fact of the matter is that YOUR feelings, choices and lifestyle are your business, and other people's feelings choices and lifestyles are not. Their feelings choices and lifestyles are their own business. We funny humans often try strategies to influence the feelings and choices of others, some positive, some coercive. The coercive ones (pressure, anger, guilt, shaming) eventually tend to corrode the relationship, and actually block the development of more positive feelings that might otherwise grow over time.

If I were in your position, I would back way off of my expectations and demands. Blocking the junk food – fine, that's a health issue.

But the feelings and corresponding behavior you desire may not be realistic, even though desirable. I'd explain to my sons that this older woman is probably very nice, but just doesn't know how to think of them as family, and that's not something she can help. It's no reflection on who they are or how lovable they are, and if they want to treat her as a special granny, they should be encouraged to do that.

Also stress that the gift giving/receiving is NOT a competition. She simply sees their sister as "her" own family. I'd get them a special toy or two that they can take to G-ma's house when they visit, and bring home again if she's not comfortable finding the space to keep them. I'd also occasionally send a small hostess gift for G-ma along with your children, with a gift card signed by all three of them. Simple things, like a small potted plant, a sun-catcher for her window, a book of puzzles, or things you know she likes. Perhaps even something your children made especially for her. Not every visit, as if you're trying to hammer home a point, but every so often, just as a thoughtful gesture (and one that may gently remind her whenever she sees the gifts that her family now includes other people).

In short, treat her the way you'd like her to treat you and your kids. There are no shortcuts to growing sane and healthy relationships, which may eventually include love and respect.

I sure do wish your family well.

SO many issues in your post! Here's my take on it (and it's probably not what you want to hear) not from experience in this matter but just reading your post and thinking logically.

1) You have only been married 3 years. 3 years! And all of them child filled! This is a relatively short time and with all those children/blended family dynamic it's a lot to adjust to for everyone involved. My husband & I have been married for almost 8 years and have just one 3 year old (so we had 5 years of just us) and I feel like we are still learning how to be the best spouses and parents - our situation is far less complicated than yours!

2)Your mother in law is not the biological grandmother of the boys. She never will be. She may not find it possible to feel the same about them as she does about your daughter, who is her biological grandchild. I think it's unrealistic to expect her to do so. In 3 short years especially. Maybe over time, if you can let these things go.

3) I think it's too much to expect a grandmother to handle THREE children under 8 all at once. Even if they were her son's children, i think it's asking WAY too much. I don't expect my MIL to handle my ONE child anywhere, she's simply not young enough to be charged with a 3 year old in public. At her house, sure, in a public space/event no way. And two boys no less - I think it's way to much to ask under any circumstances.

4) the toys at her house. If you want toys for the boys at her house you should buy some and bring them over so they will be there. I wouldn't press this at all. It is not worth fighting over.

5) your husband has already done a lot of "sticking up" for you and all it gets him is grief from his mother (the second most important woman in his life) and you! This is a lose-lose situation for him trying to make him confront and fight with his mother over these things. I would back off of him right away. These are more your issues than his, it seems to me. If HE treats the boys like his sons and is equitable as a father, I don't think he can be responsible for his mother's behavior (nor do I fault her for it for the reasons above). I don' t see why it's even an issue whether or not he tells her he's adopting the boys until it happens. Perhaps they simply don't talk about these things. I mean my hubby loves his parents but he seriously doesn't talk to them about anything - i do all the info sharing. If not for me his parents would have no idea what's going on in our lives, so again I think this is normal.

6) Here's a crazy idea I will just throw out there - with no knowledge of the details it may be out of the question but here goes. Your boys (in theory) have a biological grandmother on their father's side. Is there any chance she'd like a relationship with her grandchildren? If not out of the question for some reason, would be an easy way to "level the playing field" for you - all of your children could have time with their paternal grandparents then.

OK i've rambled on enough, like I said these are just my thoughts reading your post. I'd say #5 is the highest priority and most urgent to resolve. You are clearly just trying to do what's best for the boys but you can't necessarily change some of the parameters.

Good luck!

You are asking too much, they are not her grandkids by blood and not everyone can just welcome someone else's grandkids as their own. Were I in your situation I would back off of the issue as a whole. You know the saying choose your battles, I think it needs to be implimented here and now. I have tons I want to say about this but I honestly can not find the words to get it out correctly so I will leave it at that, hopefully someone else will share my perspective and communicate it better.

Simply put, yes, you're asking too much of your husband AND his mother right now. She has been been very generous in the past toward your boys by trying to bring them treats, but you essentially shut her down by demanding that she not bring candy. In her eyes, that was probably ungrateful of you and rather than continuously fall short in your eyes she backed off on bringing things for your sons completely.

Secondly, she doesn't view them as her grandsons because they're not. You said yourself that your husband hasn't told her yet that you're talking about him possibly adopting them. Well, I would bet that things will change when/if he does adopt them. You can have a family bonding ceremony and include her in it.

As for your husband not telling her yet... well, why would he if there's nothing set in stone yet? You have to go through the entire process of terminating parental rights with the boys' birth father and have him either declared and proven as abandoning the boys or have him sign away his parental rights with the approval of the courts. Things could get hung up one way or another and it's not a done deal, so I don't blame him for not telling her.

As long as you know YOU love all of your children the same and as long as your husband is a good father and loves all of the children, then that's what matters. I think you might need to lighten up a little bit with your MIL because she's trying... and I think she just doesn't know how to satisfy you. Throw the poor woman a bone.

You've gotten a lot of great advice. And here's my take on your situation.... you're nitpicking the issue to death and if you don't relax about it and take it for what it is, you are going to destroy your marriage.

My ex-MIL (I still love the woman by the way) preferred one of her grandkids over the other four (and she still does) and they're ALL her biological grandkids. Her oldest grandson is 24. It hasn't changed in 24 years. We learned to just laugh it off and be thankful for the good things she did.

You shouldn't load your MIL down with three kids at a time for outside activities. That's just unfair.

If I were your husband and your MIL, I would be afraid of what you were going to say or do next. You have a lot of issues you just need to learn to let go of, because you can't change people. You just can't. Your jealousy between your kids isn't healthy for your kids or for you. If you can't sort this out on your own, you need to seek a counselor who can help you through it. Please do it, for the sake of your marriage. Your hubby and MIL actually sound pretty good to me.

Explain to your hubby and his Mom that love is supposed to multiply not divide.

I totally get what you are feeling. Your MIL may not feel as close to your boys but IMO she should understand that leaving them out could be hurtful. I wouldn't give your husband a hard time. Just calmly talk to his mom. Explain how important it is to you that the boys get to know her and love her. Don't nit pick everything she does like the junk food thing. If you don't like it, just thank her and limit how much the kids eat or suggest some snacks you prefer. She is trying. Acknowledge her efforts and pick your batttles.

I probably can't say it any better than anyone else, but I wanted to add my voice. You need to relax about this and ease up on your husband or it's going to end up destroying your marriage. As much as you'd love for your two sons to be immediately accepted into his family, that doesn't always happen. It's up to you to talk to his mother (nicely) and explain that you're concerned that your sons will feel left out or unloved. Help her understand the emotional impact it could have on the boys. If she still doesn't come around, then plan fun outings with your boys when your daughter goes to do stuff with her grandmother. Bring toys for them to her house. And give her a break if it looks like she's trying. She went from zero grandkids to three pretty quickly... give her time to adjust and learn to love the boys as her own.

Your husband is not responsible for his mother's behavior. As long as he's supporting you emotionally (which it sounds like he is), sticking up for your feelings (again, sounds like he has) and treating all three kids wonderfully, then all you're doing is making your marriage suffer. Your husband can't change his mother. Nor should he be expected to. So ease up on the two of them, do some frank and open communicating with your MIL, and take it upon yourself to ensure that all three of your children feel loved. Don't look to your MIL to do that.

I had this with my mother. She just preferred girls to boys and they were
all her biological grandchildren. My mother in law did it too! I told them if they were bringing something for one and had nothing for anyone else just
do not come. My husband, like yours, does not like confrontations so it was
up to me. Your MIL seems to be trying. See how things go. As far as the
adoption goes, I think you have to go thru a lot (since they do have a father)
to adopt them. I would not even mention it until all the i s were dotted and
the ts crossed. It could be a while.

I think you are asking for too much, but at the same time I understand the desire to provide equal amounts of love and attention for your children.

Here's the reality....Grandparents have favorites.....biological or not.......The favorites usually figure out who they are just like those who are not the favored ones figure out who they are and adjust accordingly. My mother's parents adored my sister and I and I knew we were the favorites, so did everyone else. My father's parents were never that thrilled with me because my cousin was their favorite and I was just another grandkid like my sister and other cousins were to them. It's never really bothered me or caused me to think any less of myself or my grandparents for that matter....It is what it is and I knew from an early age that this is how relationships work.

I agree with other posters that she tried to reach out with the junk food and it was thrown back at her.....That was out of line on your part. So what if she offers some junk food? Allow your children to indulge in a little and then get rid of the rest or give it to them sparingly over the next few weeks....I see no reason as to why your husband had to reprimand her for her treats. If that's all she feeds them when she is around and she never gives them access to real food, that is an area of concern, but some cookies, candy or cake every now and then won't hurt your children.

She may not have thought your boys would like the church fest for whatever reason or may have thought your daughter's age was best suited for what they are doing. She may also not want to have that many children by herself at such an event. You could have simply offered to go along with her and bring the boys or make it a family event with your family and her going to enjoy the festivities.

The toys can easily be discussed with her. Simply let her know that you would appreciate it if the boys had some toys to play with at her house because they aren't into their sister's toys and you want to make their visits as wonderful as possible for everyone. There is no need to attack her about it.

Your husband is doing the best he can to go between you and his mother.....That is not an easy position....Would you like having that shoe on your foot????? Stop asking him to reprimand his mother and discuss things with her because it will only lead to more issues and for a marriage of only 3 years, you have enough to deal with!

Also, learn to let go......and be happy that she is trying and thank her for that. It is not easy to invite someone into the family. She not only had to invite you in, but also two young boys too. It takes some time to establish a bond and a relationship with people, especially a familial bond. Give her some time to make the adjustment to the new grands in her life by cutting her some slack and allowing her to make attempts (treats, etc) without biting her head off for it. The more you allow her to try, the better she will become at it. If you keep fighting her every attempt, she will eventually give up and that is not a good solution for anyone involved.

Good luck!

You can stop some of the issue by not letting any of the children go away with anyone other than you and your husband. Say: "We prefer to stick together as a family while the kids are little (while we still can)." We would rather not break up the kids on outings so we all go out together as a family". If the grammy wants to see the grand daughter have her come to your house.

Be very careful about all this pressure you are putting on your husband. I was doing that and My hubby almost left me- we came VERY close to a divorce. He said his feelings for me had died. Because he felt disrespected -- respect is a top need for men.

I wouldn't be too hard on your husband. He can't entirely control his mother. If you believe he has spoken to her more than once and you have once, I think you can continue to be the one to speak to her about it. He seems to be caught in the middle. Maybe she just doesn't feel like the boys' grandmother. That is her choice though it's also then your choice to tell her she's not welcome to visit her grandaughter... You say she's trying so be frustrated but not too upset. In addition, it could be that she doesn't relate as well to older boys versus her young grandaughter. Maybe even if they were her biological grandkids she'd favor the little girl...

No you are not, but when someone is making a difference and leaving your children (from another marriage) out...that can the be the "kiss of death" to a marriage.

Personally, regarding the "junk food" your husband's mother brought over, why didn't you just "toss it" and move on?

Lastly, if you and your man can't come to the understanding as parents you both must present a united front and not make a difference between any of the kids, you will be in for more heart ache.

Talk, talk now and talk straight!

Blessings...

.

I would find out WHY he hasn't told her and then insist that he does. Also-I would totally let the junk food thing slide. Who cares if she brings junk food? You can always tell the kids they can only have a little of it. Just think for a minute how you will feel in 20 years when you want to bring something to your grandchildren and your DIL objects and gives you a really hard time about it-and also begs your son to fight with you about it??? Sorry but I just feel that maoms of sons have to be super careful of the karma boomerang.

These things are not worth arguing with your husband about. A harmonious marriage is way more important than whether or not the kids have a little junk food. You can throw it away when she leaves. A harmonious marriage is also more important than whether or not one kid has a few more toys. Your boys will be fine with fewer toys, and fewer visits with a "grandma" they are not super close with. Maybe she just prefers girls, biological or not?

I've had stepchild issues, so I know the hurt you feel for your "step" children who are left out. However, as long as your husband isn't treating them differently, I don't think the kids will really give a fig if "grandma" treats them a little differently. AND, they will take their cues from you on that one. My mother treated all my kids differently, and they are all her bio-grandkids. She's not my idea of the greatest grandma in the world, but what is WAY more important to a child, is the relationship he/she has with his/her parents.

Therefore, stop having huge fights with your husband over his mother! Not important! You and hubby being happy and in love with each other are much more important to all three of your kids.

I am also telling you this as one who also has a husband who typically doesn't stick up for me, so I know how that feels too. But that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Yes, you are asking too much.

Your husband needs to step up here! He can in a very nice way tell her that the boys and your daughter are all a package deal. She doesn't get to pick and choose who she gets to play Granny with.

I would have let the junk food thing go a bit. You can always give them all a small treat from the stuff that she brings and toss the rest. However, there is no way in hell that I would tolerate her behavior towards your sons. You and your husband joined your families and are now ONE cohesive family unit. Your sons are part of your husband's family now. I cannot imagine how your sons feel when they are being snubbed by this woman. I would NOT stand for it! If she won't make an effort to try to treat all 3 children equally, then she can forgo seeing any of them as far as I am concerned. Frankly, your husband should be standing together with you on this....