Anybody Have Stepchildren?

I AM a stepchild...and I love that I have two sets of parents. I love that my "step"dad treats my sisters and I as if we were his. He doesn't play favorites with us and his biological daughter, we are all just his daughters. What you are doing is great...don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

I'm not a step parent, but I am a step child. Though my brother and I never lived with them, I invited my step mother to wedding planning appointments with me. She was a great help and it was way less confrontational than if my biological mother had been there instead. She's very nice and has a heart of gold. She didn't really treat me as a biological child, more so my brother because he was younger when she and my father got together. I'd say she has the same affection for both my brother and her son (who are the same age, just a few months apart). My children are definitely her grandchildren too...(no "step" in there).

Hi M., I don't have any step children, but my oldest son has a stepdad, and a stepmom with his biological dad. My husband came into our lives when my son was 5, he is now 14. His stepmom came into his life when he was 3. I have three other boys with my husband, and my ex has three other kids with his wife. My husband is my oldest dad in everyway except geneticly. He does everything that a father is supposed to do for a son, and he calls him his son, not his step son. Now the case is not the same with his stepmom. Even though he was here before her, she knew she was getting involved with a man with a child. She has never treated him as her own and he tells me that she hates him. As he gets older she thankfully is getting nicer to him. You didn't say anything about their mom that gave birth to them, so I don't know what that situation is. I can tell you as a mom of a son with a step mom, it makes me very anger that she does not love him like her own. He was a little boy when they met, she has watched him grow, I thought it would change when she had her own kids,and it has, but it got worse before it got better. Also my son knows that his stepdad is his dad in everyway. We have talked about it now that he is a teenager. He knows that my husband loves him and would do anything for him (and does). His "real" dad is more of his buddy, he takes no responsibility for any of the "tough" stuff it takes to raise a kid. Also, when I hear people "correct" others to the fact that the child is a step child, it makes my heart ache. I've heard this said at my sons school by another mother, and it makes me so anger that she felt the need to say that. It made me feel that she didn't love him the same as her own!! And if I felt it I'm sure the boy does too!! Like I said my son knows how his step mom feels about him.

Don't worry about what anyone else thinks or says!! You are doing the right thing!! Your husband knows it, your girls know it, your sons know it, and you should know it too!! All those people that say those ignorant statements to you, would want someone like you in their childs life if they were in this situation. You should be proud of your love for those kids. Don't call them anything but your daughters, because that is what they are!!!!!!!!!

I don't think what you are doing or feel is a bad thing at all. I admire you for loving your step daughters like your own. I have a little girl and I have been with my boyfriend since she was 2. It is only natural to love a child like your own. They are a gift from God, and it's not their fault they came into this world. Just b/c you didn't give birth to them it doesn't mean you have to love them any less than your own. I don't have children yet with my boyfriend... But when I do, I wouldn't want my boyfriend to treat his "biological" any different. He has seen my daughter grow through the years and has been there for everything. Why should it be any different, right? It's good to know that there are step parents out there like you.

Hi M.,

I think your approach is great. Children can always benefit from being loved. I don't have any step children but I do have a biological son and he has a step-dad, a dad, and a step mother, not to mention the misc step grandparents. Families can be created in a lot of different ways. The only time I would worry is if your daughters were expressing discomfort with your level of commitment. No one else's opinion really matters.

PS - I think your husband is very lucky to have found someone with such an open heart. :)

Hi M.,
So I will try to make this as short as possible, I am 25 today and was raised in a "blended family." I knew my step mom starting at age 18 months. She was always involved in all of what we did. When she married my father, she inherited 4 of his children and then they had two of their own as well. I never knew them as my "step-brothers" nor did she make us feel as though we were second best. Looking back at it, I commend her a ton, she would take us to our appts., be involved in our sports, encourage all of us, etc. Us girls did still have a relationship with our mom as well, but my step-mom never over stepped her boundries in regards to that, when we were young anyway. I think what you are doing is great, some times step-parents feel as though they shouldn't be involved or that they do not have the "right" to be involved, but that is a bunch of bull. Those kids are a part of your life and I think you are doing all the right things. Now that I have grown and have two children, one from a previous relationship and one with my husband, I know what it's like to have a step-parent, parent my child, and I couldn't be more happy at the fact that my husband has always treated my oldest child as if she were his own from the start, even when our second child (his biological child) came along, he still treated the older one the same and she respects him so much and they have a great bond/love for one another. Good luck and keep up the good work, not all step parents are like you or my husband. Never is it wrong to show children love whether they are biological or not! :)

I have 2 step sons and one was and still is an angel, the older one at 7 told me the first day he met me, "You're just another wife and you can be replaced". I was heartbroken, but I loved him anyway and tried extra hard with him. I treated him as my own although he reminded me a lot "You're not my Mom, you're no one". ( that child grew up to be a problem child for us and his Mom and her husband) The children lived with us 1/2 the time and the older one lived with us for years going back and forth using one parent against the other and today, the older son still does this to his dad and his bio Mom. I admit, I love the one who co-operates more then the one who hates me (now), but at the time I loved them as my own. It's hard to love a grown child who openly hates you because you happen to be married to his dad.. ( the parents were LONG divorced before we ever met and the childs Mom had also remarried).
I've loved my godchildren and others that I have taken in, (foster children) and I believe yes ABSOLUTELY you can love a child as your own who is not your bio child. Good for you for giving your heart. I have met some step Moms who don't see these "bonus" kids as their own. It just means we have a lot of love to give and that's a good thing and never wrong, even if ( in my case) that one child can't love me back. I hope the step children always love you back and appreciate you. No, love does not have to be biological.

I think you should just keep on living the way you have. Love them they way you have. People shouldn't put titles on kids. I didn't give birth to my daughter, but I never refer to her as my adopted daughter. She is my daughter, it's that simple. Don't second guess yourself, you are doing the right thing.

Hi M.,
Honestly, if you have that good of a relationship with your bonus children ~ then don't worry about what other people think. If your bonus children aren't rejecting your involvement then you have nothing to worry about. Unfortunately, it seems that having a good relationship with step-children are not of the norm. The more "parent" that is involved with the children with their school, doctor,etc. the better opportunity for guidance and the more opportunity for them to feel loved and cared for and not an outsider to the family. I have a step-mom that accepted me as her own and it really did make a difference in my life. (and I am 38 yrs. old now and still have a wonderful relationship with her!)
Good for you and God Bless!
~M.

I don't have step children b ut my Fiance does.. We have a son together. Plus my daughter has never known her bio fact.
I have a note with the drs. office and the local ER so he can take her in instead of me leaving work. very helpful. I say if it works for all of you, tell them to stay out of it. It is really none of anyones busines but YOUR family's. ( the people who sleep in your house)

I also hava a firend whose father had four boys with his 1st wife and all the kids and parents were at all the ball games for the boys. bio and stepparents. They even all sat together. Also She considered The boys mOther as a bonus mom.
I thin k it is totally the way to go. All hands on deck... Inother words the more adults around to support the kids the better. And If the get along even better. be and example of how good people canbe to each other.

Hi, I am not a stepmother but I was/am a stepchild so to say. I think you are doing a wonderful job, I was not so lucky as to have a great mother figure in my stepmother. I never felt I was accepted or respected by her. My father remarried when I was fifteen so it was not a great age for me to try to ajust to a new family anyway. Since at least one of the children is in their teens I would just suggest treading lightly in the areas of discipline and boundaries...let your husband take the lead and be there as backup and support when issues arise/always deal with things as a team. Otherwise you may quickly become the "evil stepmother" and hear those dreaded comments about not being the "real parent" straight from the child.

HI M., I know I'm a little late in responding but I saved your blog because I just HAD to tell you that the world needs more moms like you!!! You just keep doing what you are so wonderfully doing. You are only adding to those girls' lives and those people telling you to butt out need to BUTT OUT themselves. My only question, I guess, is how involved is their bio-mom? I have a step mother who raised me when my father married her and my mother was off partying, not wanting much to do with us. She was never really good to us, and today I now don't speak to her. She was always putting my stepmom down. My stepmom wishes I came out of her so that I would have never had to deal with the heartache my bio-mom causes me. She didn't come to my wedding and now I am pregnant with my first child and haven't spoken to her in nearly 2 years. My stepmom has done everything for me. I also call her mom.

Hi M.,

I have been a stepchild, and a step parent... My stepmother was NOT a good role model, and so I learned what not to do from her. I met my stepdaughter when she was 2 (I was 17) and I married her dad when I was 18. I raised her from that time till she turned 18. Her dad and I divorced when she was 8 but the court thought that she was in a better, more stable home if she stayed with me. I was NEVER the one to say she was my stepdaughter, I always refered to her and my biological children, as my kids. Her mother was sort of in the picture, and made sure to reinforce that dispite the fact that I was the one raising her, I was NOT her mother, and her "real mom" would no longer love her if she called me mom, so until she was 15 she called me by my first name and made sure to tell ppl I was NOT her mom. It hurt me, but I let it go, I did understand that she didn't want to lose her bio mom's love. Dani is now 18, and due to have her first child in July and she calls me nana, her mom is the grandma. My advise to you, is to keep on doing what you're doing, the more you stay interested in your bonus childrens life, the more love they will have for all people when they have families of their own.

C.

As long as their biological mother is ok with that set up which she must be since it has been going on for so long then you shouldn't worry. I would mention though to some of the other mothers as well referring to a stepchild as your daughter or your son with out the step in front of it really is insensitive to their biological parent when they are still in their lives.

How does the biological mother feel? There are boundaries, I am a step-mother and her bio mom gets very offended and threatened by my step-daughter and my relationship, so I have to be careful to respect her, she is her mother. My step-daughter tends to depend on me a lot because mom is not always emotionally available, but I have to really be careful not to step on her toes. I kind of feel all adults involved have to be on the same page. If you aren't then it gets taken out on the child and the child is forced to feel like they have to choose sides, that is not fair. I feel it is the adults responsibility to work out the logistics of how relationships are handled within the family, so the child does not feel uncomfortable. If there is no bio mom involved then you and your husband need to decide how things are handled. I try to stay out of the disciplining, making decisions medically or academically. If I am asked to help I do, if I am not I stay out of it. But, I will say that emotionally my step daughter comes to me to talk and for advice, she respects me and appreciates that I respect her mother, even though I may disagree with how her mother may do things sometimes. We never speak badly of her mother, that will make them resent you and creates tension. I guess just knowing she knows I am always here for her and she can depend on me is good enough for me. As long as the kids are happy and feel the adults are handling the situation well, that is the most important thing.

I don't have any step children myself but my husband is now fathering my son whose biological father passed away when he wqas only 4. My son loves my husband like crazy even though my hubby has had a lot harder road at loving him like he was his own. We have our own daughter together and I really don't desire to have more as I feel very complete with life as it is. But hubby desires to have a son' of his "own" and it hurts! He is lagging compared to where we all feel he should be relationship wise with my son. I fear having his "own" son might jepordize things even more! FEAR it! I'm telling you this because I think those kids are so luckily to have you so involved and love them so much! Go ahead and love them as much as you possibly can!!!! If they were children you adopted would any of that change. Maybe you should ask that question to the people making comments. I get comments about how well my sons 1/2 sisters Mom and I get along. even when his Dad was alive and stringing us both along, we never and I mean never showed any bad feelings. I didn't have any and if she did, she did a great job of hiding it.
Do what you feel is best for your family and ignore the people who think others lives should be lived differently.
I'm happy you all have found this great relationship together! Not everyone has that turn out.

Hi M.,
GOOD FOR YOU!! I met my husband when the "big kids" were 5 & 9 years old. Although they lived with their mother (an hour from our home) the kids were at our house every weekend from ages 8 & 12. I always treated them as my "own" and did more with them than their dad did. Subsequently we added two more kids to the family - the "little kids" are NEVER referred to as HALF sisters (I always ask people which HALF are their sisters when they use that offensive term) I am not the big kids mom but when our oldest (now age 27) was married last year, my hubby and I gave her the wedding of her dreams; her mom shared the mother-of-the-bride honors with me. I always said, "love the man, love the kids" and I think that is what made the difference in this family - they were always treated with love. When people ask how many kids I have I always say four...it has worked for 17 years and I expect that it will for the rest of our lives. YOU KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! You sound like the kind of step parent I have always tried to be...you WILL see the fruits of your labor as they grow up to adults. One quick story: a few years ago my stepson called me on mother's day. He was angry at his mom for something and I lovingly told him to give her a break saying, you only have one mom. What shot out of his mouth will alway warm my heart, "..no I don't, I have two". Best of luck and love to you and your family.

Hi M.-I have a stepdaughter who is now 9. I met her dad when she was 2 1/2. I also have a 3 year old wiht him. I treat my stepdaughter like my own and even call her my daughter. I always have people telling me how great it is that I take care of her, school, homework ect. I am actually insulted when people say that to me! Why wouldn't I treat her that way. People wouldn't tell you to not do those things for your biological daughter. I think you are doing the right thing and shouldn't even consider what other people have to say.

I have a 15 yr old stepdaughter and have been in her life since she is 3. I have always treated her as my own. Her mom has made it very difficult though every step of the way . Now that she is older it is even more difficult to treat her as my own because she has distanced herself due to a boyfreind we have alot of reservations about and her mom pretty much lets her do what she wants.I syill love her the same the circumstance just makes things more difficult. I do have a son who is 8.

I wouldn't have it any other way. Coming from a step daughter my step mother is great. She has been in my life since I was seven & she cared for me in every way as if I were her own. (our age gap is the same as yours and 10 yr old) She'd be the first one to say there were some tough times, but it was typical kid stuff. I'm sure it was a different experience once she had my brothers & sister. She's had them since infancy instead getting a child with a developed attitude (oh I was a saint). There are some great benefits now. She is a very young Nana to my older brother & I's kids. I think you have the right attitude. Remember family is what you make it. Not everyone feels the same way about their "Step kids". You are a bigger/better person for making the best of your family situation. They too will thank you some day.

My father was widowed with 6 children & my mother had 1 child from a previous marriage, they got married and had me!! No one was treated any differently. We had mom & dad and 8 kids-brothers and sisters. There were no step-children, step-brothers, step-sisters, half-brother, half-sister stuff!! We were (and are) just a family.

The only 'steps' in our house were the ones leading to the second floor!!