Setting Bounderies

I am so the same way a few years ago I had gone to counseling and they said I was co- dependent. I also will agree with what someone else said low self esteem. I now have an 11 month old son and dont want him to be that way I want him to be confident and I guess able to stand up for himself and I know for that to happen I need to be that way myself. Good Luck ....you are not alone and people I sware can see through you they know who to ask they know you will ....do...do....do.

Yes, I had this experience for years. I thought I was being helpful when thru counseling I learned that I was being co-dependent. You understand more than I did. I wasn't even aware that I needed to have boundaries. Boundaries? What are those? Took me years just to understand that.

I read a book with Co-dependent in the title and that helped me a lot. I'll try to remember the author and add her name to this post.

I suggest that you focus on defining your boundaries based on the ways people have taken advantage of you in the past. I do a lot of journaling or writing as a way of clarifying issues for myself. You might start with a list of people/events that you felt hurt over and try to figure out what they all have in common and where it would have been reasonable to say no if you had confidence in your ability to say no.

Also make a list of what you wish for yourself. For me, after a year or so I realized that I wanted people to love/like me and when I kept trying to "help" them I was thinking that they would at least like me for what I did. I thought that I was being selfless but in reality I expected appreciation, which felt like being loved or liked, in return. And so I was hurt when they just kept taking without giving back in the ways I identified with being liked. For example when I asked for help they said no.

I learned this way of living by earning praise and love from my parents by helping them. My growing up was in one of those families in which the daughter became the mother. My mother was ill much of the time and both of my parents relied on me to take up the slack.

Also, practice saying no, in your mind and say no every chance you get. Practice different ways of phrasing no until you find a way of saying it with which you're comfortable. One that I like is, "I'd really like to do that for you but I'm already overwhelmed with my own stuff." Both are true. Or you can say, "I'll do x,y,or z. I only have time for one thing." or "My schedule is crammed full right now. I'm sorry." As you're saying these words focus on your own life and what you need to do for yourself and your family. And accept that you won't feel comfortable at the beginning. I like the phrase, "fake it until you make it."

My Dad didn't know how to say no either and we always felt that other people, frequently strangers, were more important than us, his family. That was not true. However, what was true is that pleasing other people was a higher priority than pleasing us. He trusted that we would continue to love him and he craved the praise of others.

Prioritizing your time and energy every day will help you know when to say no. Focus on your goals for yourself and family. Define the boundaries you need to meet those goals. Counseling can help you figure out why you're stuck in this self-sabotaging cycle which will then make setting clear goals easier.

You can find a way to feel comfortable saying no. The journey to there is worth it.

You teach people how to treat you, and you have taught people that you will bend over backwards for them and that it is ok, to treat you this way. If you don't like people being this way to you, do what Nancy Reagan says, and "just Say No!".

You can't really get mad at people when you, yourself said that you thrive on being needed. You can still say no to people and continue to do nice things for people.

I don't mean this to sound mean, but you do sound a bit like a martyr. You have taught people that it is ok to disrespect you. Your actions are saying an entirely different story than your words are.

There are always going to be people in this world that will try to take advantage of you. But they can't, IF you won't let them!!

Sounds like you could use some of the stuff I learned when I recognized this pattern in myself. There are lots of good books on codependency, and you can google the term for all kinds of information. I'll bet you'll find yourself there, and some thoughts on what you can do about it.

I personally have learned to actually say no by following a pattern offered by the teacher Byron Katie. Affirm the request warmly, use the word "and," and then use the word "no." For example, "Joanne, I hear that you'd like me to loan you my car next Saturday. I understand how much you'd like to take a trip to the lake. And, no."

It sounds shocking to just end a reply that way, until you try it a few times. You don't have to give reasons or excuses, just say no. In fact, your position is so much stronger if you don't try to explain it. Don't give the other person anything to argue against. Speak in a clear, friendly, firm voice. Repeat your answer if necessary.

Practice in front of a mirror. Then actually try it. It works.

I'm the same way and I have the same problem. I will sometimes say that I'll get back to them and then think about it. I will pray about it and decide if it's possible to help without hurting my family etc. I just say no, if I can't and stick with my guns. I don't feel guilty if they lay on the guilt. I have a life and a family and I can't do everything for everyone. My heart is to be helpful but I'm also very busy myself. You'll eventually get better at saying no and people will respect you for it. Good luck!

Unfortunately, you need to advocate for yourself. People who want help ask busy people... because we are the people who will make it work...
You need to learn how to say No.
You need to say no without an excuse... Just say No.
The first time you say it will be the hardest.
People know that when I say No it's because I just can't do whatever it is they need done. They have learned to respect my answer and not push.
Figure out what you want to do and do it --- the rest doesn't need to be done by you...
LBC

I used to be that person and to a certain degree, I still am. People used to say, "Can you do me a favor" and I would say, "Sure!" I learned before I spit out that "sure" word, to say, "What is it you need".

So, a neighbor asked me to watch his child, he had 4 of them. I already knew he had been hitting up four other families on the street and I was now going to be number five! So, I said, what time, who will pick him up, what time will she pick him up, did he already eat, who usually watches him, what happened that they can't watch him...I watched him one time. The next night, I asked the same series of questions and he called me back and said that it was okay, he had it covered.

I don't know that this is the solution, but it sure worked for me.

Hello Suzi,

I am anxious to hear the responses as I have struggled with the exact same problem. It seems that wherever I have lived there is always one person that has honed in on my generosity and used it to their advantage. Then in the rare instance that I ask for their help they are just "too busy or stressed out" to be of assistance. I have had to come to the conclusion that in all of these instances the common denominator is me and that it starts with me. If there is someone that I hope to be friends with and they request something of me then I make sure that I request something of them within a couple of weeks time. If they give the excuse that they are too busy than I know that this is someone I should keep at arms length.
Unfortunately with this approach I am not the popular gal with a lot of "friends" that I used to be, but I do feel that I have a more meaningful relationship with myself and that has allowed me to be available in the family relationships that matter the most me.
Good Luck!

I suggest reading the book called Boundaries by Henry Cloud. There is a series of "boundaries" books, I have heard many awesome things about these books. I too, struggle with saying no, unless it's to myself.

If you burn yourself out by overextending your graciousness, you will be of no good to yourself, your family, or the people who expect you to help. Additionally, you may come to resent your line of work. It is most important that you have the emotional attitude to be able to run your daycare. It is hard to find a quality daycare. You are providing a service just by doing this. If you find that this parent behavior is sapping your energy than it will eventually reflect in your work.

Since you are running a business, I would encourage you to set a policy for these extra services, discounts, etc. and stick to it. When you set your policy make it known to all your clients both in writing and verbally.

It appears that you are mixing up your clients with personal friends since you have written that you are hurt by their actions. Are your clients your friends? I hear you worrying about making them feel bad, getting defensive, etc. You need to be cordial, friendly, and respectful. As long as you are doing this try not to worry about them feeling defensive or bad about your policies or you setting boundaries. They are obviously not thinking about how you feel. They don't have the same perception of their relationship with you as you do of them.

You need to make sure that you clarify the boundaries between personal and work time. You did not say if you have an at home day care or not. If your day care is out of your home that is even harder but evern more imperative that you set boundaries. If you do not it may affect your personal/family relationships.

I know it is hard. There are a lot of people who need help. For people who need discounts - figure out a way to do it so that you are consistent - maybe a written sliding scale policy. Certain fees for overnight or for last minute changes.

Good luck

AMEN MARDA P.!!!

Can't improve on that . . . great advice there.

Think of yourself FIRST and your NEEDs and it will come easier over time. That's what they do if you think about it. Don't stop giving or helping, but YOU control the giving.

If you can't "just say no" then you need to charge these people accordingly. Raise your rates for the extras they want. Keep raising them until they no longer want the extras for the price you're charging.

You know the saying "Only YOU can take care of YOU". You have to set limits in helping and doing for others to keep your life together for yourself. There are way too many people like the person you are explaining, and you are right, you need to distance yourself, and limit what you do with or for them.

I have a SISTER who does this to me. All take, and no give, and please give me more, more, more. I watch her remember her friends birthdays, etc, and totlaly forget about any special events in my life. It hurts, but I've stopped doing for her, and our relationship is now in trouble. But, who needs it, go lean on your friends who you WILL help move, paint there house or whatever, and in my time of need she is nowhere to be found!!

I've come the conclusion that I have been "enabling her" to treat me this way all these years. I'm finished with it, and if she wants a relationship with me, she'll need to step up to the plate and treat me with the same respect she gives her other friends!

Stick up for yourself, and don't "enable" others to be helpless. You and I could eislily do this to others, but our pride in ourselves won't allow it!

It gets easier after you do it a few times. I'm a little confused: who are all of these people you are helping all the time? I'm a SAHM of three, I have two dogs and two cats, and I volunteer occasionally (organize neighborhood playgroup, help with our neighborhood homes tour, etc.). That is plenty for me to be doing with all of the household chores, homeschooling, etc. I don't have time to be helping a bunch of other people do their thing. If a close friend or family member has a baby, I take the older kids a few times in the first few weeks, bring some food once or twice, etc. I also babysit if a close friend has a dentist appointment or something. That is it. If someone started to take advantage, I would nip it in the bud. The moment it felt like too much, the answer would be no. You can do it.