Why is it that a person resents having another person habitually save them (living with a friend. loaning money, etc). when the saver seems to really not mind it?
Suz and Wickerparkgirl gets the meat of the issue. The person needed the loan, handout etc. It has nothing to do with co-dependency but rather as Wickerparkgirl says--it is more the resentment (and possibly humiliation). I have been on both sides (giver and receiver). I have been both resented for having the means to be able to give and I must admit--I resentment as the receiver.
Because people don't like to feel dependent on others. People can't be proud of themselves if someone else has to come to their rescue.
Perhaps because they think they don't need saving? I've been in this situation and have learned that unless their life is at risk, I need to back off and let them experience what they'll experience. When I insisted on continuing to save someone else I found that I was in a co-dependent relationship. Meaning, in part, that I needed to save them more than they needed to be saved. It would look like they needed me but they didn't. We must honor others' boundaries. Resentment means we are violating their boundary.
I suggest you look up co-dependent relationships and see if this fits.
I think I know what you mean...
Having someone else "save" you (even if its not habitual and the giver is 100% genuinely motivated by positive) might stir up feelings of obligation or inferiority in the receiver.
Especially with money "the borrower is slave to the lender" but I think the sentiment applies about other types of "help."
i've heard that japan has, like, 20 different ways of expressing gratitude and they all imply varying degrees of resentment.
khairete
S.
I don't resent people who help me out when I need it. I just hate being in the position of having to ask for it, and will do just about anything to avoid asking. I have taken out payday loans and title liens on my car in order to avoid asking my parents for money.
IF they are paying you back then perhaps it's an equitable relationship.
I had a friend that was rather well off. She and hubby would loan us money any time we needed it. We always paid them back as soon as possible. Often before we said we would pay it back.
I was very grateful for their support. I can't imagine resenting them in any way.
So if they tell you they resent you having money and they don't I would guess that they are jealous that you have that kind of income or resources. Sometimes no matter how hard you try and how hard you do everything you can you just can't pull yourself out of the bottom of the barrel and need help.
It sounds like you prefer having the upper hand, so to speak, and having the upper hand or position of power seems to mean (to you) being the one in the position to help others.
Receiving help or needing help doesn't make you weak or an unequal partner in a relationship. It doesn't make you powerless. Every relationship has some give and take. And EQUAL relationships don't keep track.
I admit that I can't quite put my head around it. I've been helped in times past (not financially) when I really needed it. I've never resented it. In fact, it's more along the lines of feeling that the person is a real hero, and I adore them for it long afterwards.
I've helped others too, and have found the same kind of reciprocity by those who were real friends. However, there have been people who used me and once they got my help, walked away from the friendship. I don't believe that it's because they resented me. I'd almost rather it be that, Rhonda, than the truth of the matter, that they saw me as an easy mark. To me, that's a whole lot more painful.
You say that you feel bad about resenting her and want insight. I'm not sure if wanting insight means that you wish you didn't resent her. If it does, then maybe trying to think about it in regards to the Golden Rule might help. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You don't like being resented for helping, so don't resent yourself, the person who helped you.
Sometimes we need to put pride aside and admit that we can't do everything, be everything. But we can do what we can, and if that means making a difference in someone's life, there's nothing wrong with it. The hard thing is "knowing" the person you're helping. If they have too much pride, maybe that's when you step back. The hard part is knowing before the fact.
In my opinion, the worst thing can be helping a poser and a user. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Don't do favors for a poser and user. And if you know someone will resent help, step back from that too. But try to fix your own resentment. It really isn't fair to the person who cared enough about you to help.
Dawn
