In Love Vs. Codependant Unhealthy Love?

Hi B.:
What an interesting question. I've known couples on both sides of this spectrum and I've found it to be a wonderful challenge to walk the line right in between. I believe the perfect kind of love is where both partners have the opportunity to walk their own path in life, independant of one another, yet still moving towards the same destination. Each person must have a true respect and understanding of his/her partners' goals, ambitions and values...and be willing to sacrifice on occasion or "take one for the team" to help the other acheive shared happiness.
The one that is codependant is typically the only one sacrificing in the relationship while the other runs the show.

It's a question i have always pondered but i still don't know that i have any answers, i'm a very codependant person, while i don't need a man to function, i've done it without one for long stretches of time and did jsut fine, i find that once i have one there is very little i do for myself, and it comes and goes, so for me love is the guy that makes me be independant, that understands that if he tries to take care of me i will let him to a fault, to a point where it hurts me. currently i have not gotten gas in my van in over 6 months, and the closest thing i've done alone was when i took my daughter shopping. i'll take all 4 kids and go tot eh store so my finace can go with me before i go alone,it's pretty terrible.
so what is codependant love, it's the need to have someone there becaue you can't function without them, whether that need is real or imagined. we are all like that to a point, in this day and age very few of us that have someone could maintain our lives as is without them.
true love on the other hand allows both parties to maintain some sence of self, some independance from the other, the knowledge that while you want this person around more than anything you can handle life without them, you can handle a crisis, that car accident, the loss of a job, or family member because you maintain some inner strength of your own rather than just taking theirs. and for me it's the guy that says i know you don't wnat to but you can do this and you can do it without me.

I do not think love between adults is unconditional; it is a growing, changing, give and take relationship. True "unconditional love" is what you feel for your kids. Although the examples you listed above I believe two people in love should be able to make it though, there are others. My husband is an alcoholic. I did fall out of love with him and was in the process of leaving, but then he quit, for his family, and we have been re-building our relationship for the past 2 years. To be co-dependent to me is to have the need to take care of someone regardless of their faults and without making them take responsibility for their own actions. If you are co-dependant, you need to take care of the other person in order to make yourself fell better, or useful. If you are truly in love, the two of you should be taking care of each other, not a one sided love.

B.:

This is an interesting Q indeed!

To me a "co-dependant" situation would be more like:
1- enabling the other person to keep on doing things that are ultimately bad for their body / mind / spirit
2- lying for someone else to get them off the hook or to cover their ass.
3- loving them but also fearing what might happen if they change to the point that you don't really want them to be different...even if it would be good for them.
4- Making lots of excuses for them when they actually could be doing better.
5- They treat you these same ways mentioned.

Sometimes, even when we love a person,(kids, spouses, lovers, parents...even just a good pal), we have to still set some limits to have peace within ourselves! If you don't have peace, and you only feel on the edge, the relationship needs help.

To me with healthy love you wouldn't necessarily try to change the other person....You could accept them for who they are, but you also wouldn't go out of your way to enable them with a bad habit like:
1- saying that it's OK to be doing drugs / so much booze when it's not OK
2- compromising your good belief system
3- allowing undesired activity to go on in your home and around your kids
4- putting yourself in harm's way to help the other one
5- buying them wrong foods / cigarettes or whatever it is all the time to show your love, even if you know it'll long term hurt them.
P.

Hi B.,

I believe that being in love means you would still love someone who gained a lot of weight, was in a car accident, etc. That is, you would love them until or unless their self-image started to take over - making them feel unlovable and treating you the worse for it. If you're in love with someone who's been horribly disfigured - they have to make the choice to go on with their life and make the best out of it. YOU can't love them enough to make them good-looking again or not to feel bitter about what happened. Codependency is when it's not love between two mature, loving individuals, but when one person relies on feeling needed by and doing for the other for his or her sense of worth and contribution to the relationship. It's no longer a give and take between equals - it's a give, give, give and a take, take, take, between a user and an enabler.

But, I absolutely believe in love. Even being divorced, I believe in love. God bless you!

E.

I think real love is unconditional. BUt unfortuatly we live in a world today where people are to selfish to really give true unconditional love. These days it truley is rare. Which is why divorce is so high I think. People are to focused on the grass being greener on the otherside. You see more unhealthy love then true love anymore. The worst part is we pass this tragic way onto our children.

I think if you feel you *HAVE* to have the other person or you won't survive, it is unhealthy. Yes, we all feel life would be REALLY bad without our loved one, but it's the "survival" part that makes it unhealthy (I mean emotionally etc. not necessarily physically).
It's a cliche, but true love really is a decision--meaning, when the going gets tough and you really dislike the other person, will you CHOOSE to stick with them and work through it. Now, someone who is co-dependent really doesn't have a choice, they HAVE to stay. So, if someone is abusive and you say "oh, but I can't leave him, he needs me/really loves me deep down"/or something to that effect, it is co-dependent for sure! There are some relationships that aren't so clear.
I think we need others to help us see the truth! Like family and close friends.
MHO, in my experience of both : )
Lynn

That is an excellent question, and one I would pose to those studying the field of psychology - I know we have at least one on this board I heard from before.

In my "opinion" (from observation), I believe being co-dependent has more to do with someone's need to control and feel "needed" by the other person, while mistaking that reliance on them in return for real love vs. simply serving a purpose. I "think" that codependents have a false sense that they can't survive without the other person and feel completely lost without them...thinking it is real LOVE, but unconsiously it's the fear of being alone, no longer in control and not needed anymore. It's almost like they are addicted to the person and their role in the relationship.

Staying in a relationship with an abusive, drug/sex addict, cheater, emotional abuser, irresponsible person, or worse yet a sociopath, who because of their faults are either unwilling or unable to give you the love, respect, and care you deserve is very different than having a "real" loving relationship with someone who is in a car accident, gained weight, or becomes disabled from an accident who is still giving you the love, respect, and care in return.

In order to truly love someone you must love yourself FIRST, and therefore, I think MAYBE that is where any problem would lie. My best friend, whom I helped talk into going to counseling for this, didn't really care to have any needs met, she was always giving, giving, giving, for not much in return -- and never asked herself WHY do I truly love this person? When I asked, her reply was always: "I don't know, I just do, no one understands!" After counseling, and much support from family and friends, she learned that it was a result of her low self-esteem and depression (which I never saw her with). Anyhow, once she worked on herself, she was able to move on with her life, and now describes her new relationship as healthy and finally being a true partner vs. solely being the rock to lean on. She is a much happier person all around!

I think if anyone has trouble ending or moving on from a relationship that they know isn't good for them that they should seek guidance/counseling to help determine why. Too many people feel ashamed for some reason, but I say if the help is there - Take it - don't waste precious time being unhappy. (sorry this was so long!!)

Hello B.. The definition of love would be for me is the heart and mind feeling joy, happiness, passionate affection for another. It's excepting the good, bad, ugly, or even strange behavior from another because you have deep feeling for them, & thinking you would not feel complete without them. You can depend on a person when you are in love, but your not asking for anything in return but to be loved. Unconditional till the end.

To me co-dependence is excepting a person because you have to or want to because of financial, educational, emotional, or some other need/desire. You need them to provide something for you usually without love. I hope this helped. Good luck.

As a mother experiencing a divorce from a hubby who has been identified as a sociopath, Love is something that's smothered, by the controlling , non-codependent partner. No matter how much we, in my situation try to love that partner that is controlling they will smother your love for all and make you think love is encapable of being acquired within the relationship and any other relationships you make seek to attain. Co dependency develops from a lack of Love somewhere throughout your lifetime, and when that partner you meet and ultimately choose to share your life with happens to be a person with whom also lacks Love of Life itself, its a recipe for diaster. Not all people are capable of loving- i recommend any woman going through a relationship in which they are not being loved unconditionally by the spouse that promised to love and protect them under the eyes of God and in the sanitity of marriage to read a book called "Sociopath Next Door", "Do you know who the Devil is in your Life". This book will outline things to identify spouses whose behavior is that of the controlling, love-smothering partner. And provide a guideline of what to do once you are aware you are indeed living in this unhealthy situation. I was recommended the book, but almost too late to seek the true help that I needed to overcome the unimaginable that has since happened since I filed for Divorce from my partner. Life is too short to let someone still your Glory, and try and Defy your Love or self and Life. I could write for hours my negative experinces, but am choosing not too, I just wish that as women we are strong enough to identify these types of spouse-mates, and move on. The bottom line is IT'S NOT US-ITS THEM. Get gelp for yourself so that you (we), can learn to fullfill that lost love we need and are capable of selecting mates that dont need fixing. Be Safe.