My husband and I both are thrilled that my mother has just moved to town (in her own condo), and our kids are ecstatic. Our kids are two and four and my husband and I have been married 15 years. We have never had family nearby until now. So, I am hoping for advice on keeping the grandmom relationship good (both for us and for her).
It might help you to know that my mother moved here to be a grandmom and to help us (my husband is disabled). She just retired and is not a social person. We don't want her to get lonely, and we want her to be happy here (it's a big change moving from Texas to Michigan!). So here are my two questions:
1. We were thinking it would be nice to set a date every Wednesday for her to come to our house for dinner. It seems like a good idea (give her something to look forward to every week in addition to church with us on Sunday), but I know once we make it an official weekly date, it would be awkward to go back and change it to bi-weekly or monthly.
2. Do you have any advice on good boundaries to set just to keep everyone happy? You know - been there done that wish someone had warned me.
I appreciate any tips from both moms and grandmoms alike.
Completely agree with the first response...start as you mean to go. If you start doing this every week, expect to keep it up.
Unless you have prior experience with her that causes concern regarding boundaries, please do not pre-emptively punish her (and your children) by setting them. I know that is not what you mean, but it is kind of what it boils down to. Let your new relationship evolve and feel each other out then adjust accordingly. Relationships are dynamic, as are we. Let it ebb and flow on its own. For now, invite her over to dinner on different days of the week, so that if you have to change it will be less noticable.
Good luck and I am happy for you that you will be close to each other, supporting each other.
How lovely of your mom to move to your area to be a support and help to your family. Rather than setting specific boundaries (and I love boundaries), I would have a discussion about expectations - yours and hers, about how much time you will spend together. I think having her to dinner once a week is very nice - if you don't want it to seem like a habit, don't set a specific day. Let it vary week to week unless your schedule dictates that it can only be that one day. Since she has moved to help you and is in a new area, I think it would be nice for you to look into activities that she might enjoy independently. She may want to join a gym or the Y, take an adult ed class, join a book club - something that would allow her to make her own friends and have a life there other than just you and your family.
I would discuss those expectations - yours and hers, and remember that if she moved there to help you, she should get to see you regularly on a social basis and not just when you are depending upon her for assistance
good luck, I hope this arrangement works out well for all of you
Both my parents and my in-laws are in our general area, and it's such a blessing to have them near! They each watch our kids one day a week when we work, as well as an occasional overnight so husband and I can do a date night.
I especially LOVE watching the relationship they are building with my kids grow - something I didn't experience with my own grandparents.
I appreciate it when the grandparents follow the general routine that we have established for our kids. We're not super rigid on things, but missing naps or TV on all day doesn't sit well with me, just "because that's what the kids wanted" or "I have a hard time telling him no/redirecting him". Ha! But it's hard to etsablish this stuff 'after then fact'. Definitely make it a point to be open and honest about things, or have ongoing conversations about what's working and what's not.
I would definitely have a conversation about getting your mom active in her "own" activities, and not be totally dependent on your family for all social interaction.
All in all, we complain about our parents at times (to each other), but the benefits of them being near FAR exceed the frustrations or difficulties!
I do the same with my grandma; she comes to dinner or lunch every Thursday. Sometimes we change the specific day if something comes up, but we make it a point to do once a week. In my situation it is my grandma so she is a bit older, but my kids look forward to visiting with her every week. The way I look at I don't know how much time I have with her so to me it is so worth giving up one night a week to have that special time with her. Good luck and Congrats on having family close again - cherish it!!
I'm with the first response – don't assume trouble where there is none. I know there is potential for trouble, but there's also the possibility that she can be a great help to your family and her grandchildren. It's a little hard for me to imagine how much "help" she can actually offer if she's limited to one morning and one evening a week.
I care for my grandson for a whole day every week, plus the occasional sleepover or date-night for my daughter and son-in-law. I think they would welcome even more involvement, if I had the energy for it and we didn't live 40 minute apart.
I'm glad you're sensitive to keeping her experience good, too. Since your kids are delighted that she'll be nearby, you might actually find yourself leaning on her more than you expect. Do stay sensitive to the simple truth that older women have less energy, less physical and emotional resiliency than younger women, and a few hours that might seem merely tiring for you may feel utterly exhausting to her. I never really got that until I hit my 50's.
My best to you all. Communicate with each other honestly, and I'll bet it will work out well.
Since you're not sure you can keep this at a weekly level why don't you just do it random and then work into a routine.
Lots of communication is essential. I am a grandma of 17. I'd like to know I was welcome in your home. I'd like a regular date but not want to feel I wasn't welcome in between. I'm not sure if there are special boundaries issues that you're concerned about, but I'd think she'd want to have the kids over or be at your house helping you quite often if that's why she moved near you. Can you guys sit down over a meal and ask her how she wants this to work. This is is your mother so you need to try to establish a closer relationship with her and more open sharing. Some grandmas crave or are at least willing to give lots more than what you've described so far. I'd be crazy lonely if I'd moved from TX and was only seeing you all once or twice a week! My own mom would have wanted lots of time to herself on the other hand and didn't want me to ever treat her like someone whose purpose in life was to help me. Please talk with your mom privately or with your hubby and see where she's at. Maybe you can try some things and then keep talking to see how they work.
