Overbearing Mother Wants to Follow My Family Wherever We Move

Anytime I hear someone speak like this of their mother, I get so envious. My mother shows no interest in any of us kids. Granted she lives on the other side of the country, but she just doesn't care about her kids or grandkids. It's like she was born missing the "mother gene" yet had 3 kids anyway. I am always expected to fly to see her, and am so sick of it. I haven't seen her in almost 3 years, and have a 15 month old daughter she hasn't even met yet, and really could die tomorrow and rest peacefully with that. I just don't understand her.

Anyway, not to make this about me, sorry. Just wanted to say I understand what you're saying, I really do, but also try to be thankful you have her around. You'll never look back and regret the time you've had with her.

Good luck,
Lynsey

She needs to find her own apartment, job, life if she moves near you.
I would let her know she is NOT moving in with you because it will destroy your loving relationship. Don't feel put down by people who have normal parents. You know it would be awful.

You have to think about your husband/children first. Your mother is an adult and is responsible for herself. If she is lonely and wants to be near family, then your sister can invite her. If she's that unhealthy a person, and it does sound like she is entwined rather than involved, you do need to have some distance. It will be difficult, but she needs to recognize boundaries if her actions are harmful to your family's well being. Good luck!

Just say NO.

It is either her... or sacrificing your own Husband/kids for her.
And it will continue to be a Dictatorship. Hers.

Regardless of generation or culture... the culture of "guilt-ing" is either continued, or not. Depending on you.

Why don't your SISTER, take her in?
It does not have to be you.

Your Mom, needs her own life.
Have her join Senior groups or get a hobby.

She cannot, take over your family.
You cannot let her.
I would really also feel REAL frustrated, being your Husband if you let your Mom.... take control of everything and move there.
Things like this also causes marital problems.

You just need to draw a boundary.
She WILL get angry, no matter what.
So suck it up.
Be the "Grown-up"... not her child.
Stand up to her.
This is a train wreck, waiting to happen... if you let her move there and continue to LET her, control everything.

STICK to you what and your Husband, want and need. And your kids.
You cannot, continue to submerge your own self/your Husband or your Kids... just to give in to her.

I understand this cultural construct. That is how it is here, for many families in my State. Per culture. But it does not have to be that way.
ESPECIALLY, if it is harmful and toxic, to you and your family.

I say, let your SISTER, take in your Mom.

Think about:
your marriage
Yourself and that 70% of the reason you moved, was because of her taking over of everything.
The stress it will cause, if you let her move in with you or near you or even down the block.

A family, needs to be autonomous and have their own routines and privacy. Being a 'family', does not have to mean, allowing a person to take command of your whole life or family.

The point with your Mom is: she CANNOT separate herself, from what is normal and respectful, and what 'she' wants to do with your family and kids.

She needs, to go to Grief Counseling or join a community Grief Support Group.
My Dad died 10 years ago. My Mom went to a community Grief Support Group. It helped her immensely... to heal normally and to not get, obsessed with creating 'guilt' on others and trying to take over, my family and kids. My Mom, has her own life.
She lives WITH us in our home. Yes.
But, she... knows proper Boundaries and does not, displace herself onto us or my kids, in a toxic way. And she has a busy social life and her own activities. She does not live through, us.

If your Mom does move there... you have to have rules. And she has to agree. Not just agree to get you to give in, then she change her tune.

The thing is, you need to decide this WITH YOUR HUSBAND. It is not your decision alone.
You are married.

You have to make the best choice for what serves your family best. I'm assuming that a parent of this sort wouldn't be healthy for your marriage either.

One of the best things that I've done is to have lived far away from extended families. It helps me rely on my spouse and it forces him to do the same with me. Our children have learned that they have to rely on us instead of grandparents or aunts/uncles. I Know that grandparents and uncles, and aunts are all very important to our children and they all want to be participants in our childrens lives. We've had to encourage our extended families to learn ways to be involved from far away. It also helps when they get visits because all of grandma's time is focused on the kids rather than trying to become involved in the decisions that we are making as a couple for our children.

It seems to me that you need to decide what you are willing to live with and what you aren't and then set firm guidelines for your extended family. You can still do this without being mean or rude. Simply present the boundaries in positive light. "Mom I need to be able to rely on my spouse instead of on you. We love you and we would love to have you visit, but we need to rely on each other as a family right now and having you close wouldn't allow for us to do so"

Hope this helps.

My mom lives in Europe.... I wish she could move near us. Just a thought..

It sounds like you are going a long way to avoid conflict. You are going to need to deal with this problem head on or you will find yourself spending thousands just to distance yourself from her. If she chooses to move there, just set firm boundaries from the beginning. Pick a special name that the kids get to call her, set a certain amount of days per week or month that you will have dinner together so she knows what to expect, etc. Give her a list of activities and groups in your town that she could get involved with. Above all, family is what you have when you have no one else, it is give and take, it is not all about you.

For most of my adult life my mother lived two miles away and wasn't interested in me and then was never interested in my daughter. In 2005 my mother moved to Shanghai, China (where she didn't know one single person) to teach English and I feel has missed out on so much.

Your parents moved cross country to be near you and you had the benefit of your mom taking care of your daughter (sounds very nice). It is very sad that you feel there can't be a happy medium in this situation. I hope you can come to a resolution where she doesn't live with you but can be involved in your children's lives. I think it is such a benefit for the kids. My daughter has one grandfather two hours away and she would give anything to have him closer. Good luck.

Your mother has been here a long time. She has a job. By now, she should have friends and activities that she enjoys. If she is hell bent on moving to your area, I would gently let her know that you have built a life there, and that you cannot drop your life, work, activities, friends, to be her whole life and spend every day with her. Be clear with her about how much time she can expect to spend with you and your family (twice a week for dinner? Every Sunday together?) and that she will need to maintain her own home. She may be angry and not understand, but she raised you in this country, and you have adapted to the lifestyle here. If she insists on moving closeby, be sure to let her know where the activities for women her age are. If she calls to come over too often, tell her that you have plans. If she sees that you are busy with various activities, or are not home if she "stops by," perhaps she will be motiviated to build a life that includes things other than you.

I can understand you feeling guilty and responsible for Mom since she helped you out in a difficult situation and moved when you needed her and she is not able to fully function on her own (as many people suggested because of lack of skills in this country and language barrier), so you cannot just tell her to get on with her life. First of all, she cannot, second, that will feel like you used her when you needed her and then just disposed of her when she is no longer needed. So there is a dilemma because it is obviously hard for you to have her living with you very close – that changes your family dynamics.
I can understand her point of not wanting to live with your sister. My grandma refused to live with my aunt who was single and childless. She said: “That house is dead, even the flowers do not grow there. I want the energy and the laughter of the children. I do not want to live in the tomb.” So may be that quote from my late Grandma can help you understand how your Mom feels.
I have a Mother that sort of like yours, I would call it very dedicated to her children, not overbearing, because she does not mean that, it just sort of feels to us that way, but it is not her original intention. We tried her living with some of us and it did not worked out well. So, now we have her living in her own apartment but very close to me and my sister so she can visit, we can visit, but there is privacy for all still. She can invite us to come we can accept or decline and vice versa. Mom is close enough to interact with children. If you didn’t know, children have a beautiful aura and very intense and positive energy fields that old people just need to feel good and happy, especially if you Mom was used all her life to be around children. Ever wondered why that lonely old lady down the block is so grouchy? It is because she is trapped in her own negative energy. I highly recommend this arrangement. It allows us to keep close eye on Mom (because she IS getting older, alas) and it allows her to be very close to us but not intruding in our lives. May be you can help your Mom with rent on a small apartment in exchange for babysitting the child you have and the one that will arrive soon. When you communicate with Mom, bring this up as HER need for privacy, her need to have some space and rest. I wish you well. You sound like a great daughter and your Mom is very dedicated and needs you for support. I hope you will be able to work it out. Love conquers all. I sense that you have plenty of love in your family.

My slightly overbearing mother just passed away, and I wish she had lived with us, as much as we would have driven each other crazy. I think you will miss her when she's gone someday, and perhaps wish your children knew her better than they do. She raised you and did a good job, right? Just set some boundaries and enjoy the help she does provide, I say. Some people would give anything to have an involved mother in their life, or have theirs back!

You have no control over where she lives, but you have ALL control over how much she interferes with your life.
Even if she moves in next door to you, she does not have to have a key to your house, she does not have to be put on the contact list at your child's school, and if she starts haranguing you over the phone, you can say, "Mom, we are not having this conversation" and hang up. With caller ID, you don't have to answer if you know it's her calling and you don't feel like talking. If she knocks on your door, you can say, "This isn't a good time for a visit, Mom" and close the door.

I have a very similar situation, my mother also being a widow and very demanding for attention.

At first, it was extremely challenging. She manipulated our every move and guilted us into doing things with her all the time. We sat down and asked her would she rather fell like she was a part of our lives b/c we wanted her there, or b/c we were being guilted to do it. We had to set up very clear boundaries. She took it very hard, but now it's been years and our relationship is better than ever.

You and your sister need to encourage her to do something. Join a book club or a sewing club or something, get a hobby. Go walking with ladies from church or something. Perhaps she can even volunteer at a library or children's hospital or something. Service and keeping social will help with her loneliness and her internal self worth, so that she isn't totally relying on you for her emotional well being.

If she does move there, be very clear that she is welcome to visit, but not actually move in with you.

Updated

I have a very similar situation, my mother also being a widow and very demanding for attention.

At first, it was extremely challenging. She manipulated our every move and guilted us into doing things with her all the time. We sat down and asked her would she rather fell like she was a part of our lives b/c we wanted her there, or b/c we were being guilted to do it. We had to set up very clear boundaries. She took it very hard, but now it's been years and our relationship is better than ever.

You and your sister need to encourage her to do something. Join a book club or a sewing club or something, get a hobby. Go walking with ladies from church or something. Perhaps she can even volunteer at a library or children's hospital or something. Service and keeping social will help with her loneliness and her internal self worth, so that she isn't totally relying on you for her emotional well being.

If she does move there, be very clear that she is welcome to visit, but not actually move in with you.

Hi, I have parents exactly like that. They do get involved, especially with my sister who lives upstairs from my parents. My sister does put her foot down a lot when mom gets in the middle of something with the kids. My BIL has even yelled at my parents in the past because they get too involved in their lives. They tell him and sister that their disciplining is improper and there too strict with the eating etc. He just tells them to stay out of it. Why don't you tell your mom to just MYOB when your reprimanding your daughter, or when she interferes with other issues. Tell her, mom your great, I care about you, but let me handle my child. You don't want to lose your mom. It'll hit you hard, and if your daughter is happy with her then just accept it. She may be overbearing, but at times just ignore it. Not all the time though. Don't forget she is your mom so it should be a bit easier to talk to her. She won't begrudge you I think. By the way, the house in which you live in, does it have a finished basement? You can always move her downstairs where she could have her freedom to cook and clean and invite friends when she wants to. Have her get involved at church organizations, or some other kind of organization where they have coffee and cake on weekends. Like a grandmothers association or something like that. You live in NY there has to be so many things for her to do. I hope this may help you in any way. Don't shut out dear mom. Best of luck

It is really hard to have the be the adult with a parent who relates to us as a child. I know! Thankfully it sounds like your sister will have her near her - perfect! Then your mother is not alone and you have a peaceful family life where you can invite her to visit when it is good for your family. I know in the US we can be very selfish and individualistic, so there is always that to think about when making decisions. But at the same time, your nuclear family: you, husband, children, are your primary unit. When I had a hard time with one of my parents who wanted to be totally enmeshed in my life, I couldn't sleep for a few weeks before and after the visits and there was always a big blow up during the visits. So, finally, for the good of the family, we stopped inviting the parent. Did I feel badly? Yes. Did the grandparent get super upset? Yes. But was it better for my nuclear family and my overall wellbeing. Definitely, yes.