Separation Timing

Actually just because her birthday is over doesn't mean if it is close to it she won't associate the day with the separation.

I would think long and hard about the when of it. Tax time is coming up, if you want to file separately from him then you might go ahead and do it, even without him knowing. Then as it gets closer to tax time he will want to file and it would be a good opening for you to tell him you have already filed and why.

If you want to file together then go ahead then after the refund take some of it and use it to get established.

I think calling an accountant or CPA might be in order here.

As a child of divorce.. there is no better time than when it is just over.

Do not underestimate your children. I promise they know things are not right and you are not happy.

Start the talk this week and get him out of there ASAP. Then for your daughters Birthday, it will be a nice distraction for her.

Melissa:

There is NEVER a good time for this. It's like ripping off a band-aid.

I told my ex-husband on Christmas day. Yes. Christmas day. Call me all the names you want - I had tried holding out and waiting until after New Years. He was being an A$$. I had had enough. It was Christmas and we couldn't enjoy it. Our daughter was even upset with him. He said "well, what do you want?" I said "I want a divorce". He sat stunned (for the first time in our marriage he was speechless). When he got his composure together - he said - "with all we've been through - you are calling it quits now?" I said - "Yes. If you would've kept your little head in your pants and Crystal (that was the one he met in Rota, Spain) hadn't called yesterday - I might've stayed."

SO really - it's NEVER a good time. Do it when you need to. I'm sorry you have not been able to work things out. I'm truly sorry. I was hoping he might be "that one guy" who learns and grows up.

If you need anything - please feel free to PM me.

Melissa, there is Never gonna be a GOOD time to leave your husband.

Stay focused on the kind of woman you want your daughter to be. What you model for her is what she'll likely be. Is what you have what you want for HER too? Let THAT be your focus.

Be kind and forgiving to yourself. Only YOU know when enough is enough.

I've been there. Turned out, after putting it off for YEARS, the time was 2 days after Christmas 2006. I've learned a lot about myself since then. And so will you.

:)

If you can wait, I would wait. Once you get the ball rolling, things explode. When I had some information on my husband that could not be ignored, it was about 2 weeks before Christmas and a week before Hanukkah. I had to put on my "everything's fine" face and suck it up for about three weeks to get through the holidays because I didn't want to ruin things for everyone. It was tough but I'm glad I did it. I wasn't planning on a separation, but I knew that things would get ugly for a long, long time. As it turned out, I did end up exploding on him sooner than I had planned and we had to go out to dinner with his parents that night (their last night in town before moving out of state so we couldn't let them go out in a panic and kept mum) and out with friends for an annual get together the following night.

Give you daughter one more good birthday before this blows up. Best of luck to you - move with caution and take care. If you need to, vent here or to a friend you can really trust. My closest friends were my lifeline during those weeks and really gave me a safe place to cry and rage and let it all out.

I have a friend who waited for things for over two years. I met her when she had just decided to tell him, and she did. She did 18 months of her MBA program without him there and while she was going through the process of divorce.

I agree with the others. As long as this is the ONLY time you are going to let yourself wait, you should wait. If not, talk to your daughter and let her know it's not her fault at all and you both still love her...but you can't wait.

Good luck to you. Stay strong.

I think the bigger issue is that you are being smart and planning. That is great - document what you know, protect your prize possessions, see a lawyer, see a therapist, save money, etc. If we are talking 3-4 weeks, I say yes, wait. If you are talking 2 months I say no. Either way, don't do it until you are well prepared.

If it is just one birthday I would wait. Just don't fall into the cycle of, well I will wait until this event, and keep coming up with more events.

I filed a month before my oldest graduated high school. If you ask him about our divorce that is the last thing that pops in his mind. I actually have to point it out for him to remember.

I moved out two weeks before Christmas. I had been deliberating the move for years. Finally, I just had to do it or burst. If I waited for Christmas, then for him to get a job, then for our oldest to graduate college... when was there going to be a "good" time?

We had neighbors who threw a graduation party for their second daughter, then the very next day the dad announces he's leaving and moving in with a girlfriend. In that case, "waiting until after" didn't help things at all. If you wait for the birthday, then how long after? I doubt your daughter doesn't already sense something very wrong between her parents already.

Well, for your daughter, I would wait.

Also, when I left my husband, I did it very strategically. Meaning, we had all of our financial papers out and ready to take to the accountant for filing our taxes. My husband went out of town and I took every single thing to the attorney I had secretly constulted with and his staff photocopied every single thing. I had the papers back and exactly the way my husband left them. That way, my attorney had proof of all our assets, PRIOR to filing my papers and he was able to block my husband from closing out the accounts or hiding anything. Trust me....that's the FIRST thing he would have done.
I had proof of EVERYTHING. It wasn't my word against his or guesses, etc. It was all there in black and white. Including his W-2. There was no possible way for him to lie about his enormous income. So, as far as timing goes, I waited until I had all that stuff in order.

Since it's the time of year to prepare taxes, if you haven't done it already, make sure you have copies of all that stuff.

Believe me...every day with my husband seemed like an eternity, but I knew I had to bide my time. I couldn't give him the slightest hint what I was going to do because for one thing, he was dangerous.
Let your daughter have her birthday.
Keep your wits about you and don't do anything in haste to jeapordize your future.

I haven't read all your other posts, but if you're certain there is nothing to salvage, wait for the right time. Get your ducks in a row. Have your bases covered and be strategic.

Best wishes to you.

Hugs to you for going through this. I'm in a similar situation and have decided to wait until after a big family event before I ask for a divorce. I don't know if that's the right thing for you or not, but if you are not sure if you want to separate or not, I'd like to recommend a good book that really helped me: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, by Mara Kirshenbaum.

I don't think it's silly to wait a few weeks to separate if you think it's best for your daughter.

wow. the last thing you seem to be is silly. i don't see any point in 'sucking it up' any longer, as you sound like a very wise, balanced woman even as you're dealing with this painful, awful situation.
if he is indeed a great dad he'll be with you in working to keep the pain and confusion as minimal as possible for the kids. if handled sensitively it shouldn't impact how your daughter feels about her birthday going forward. it's going to hurt no matter what, but you can get them through it.
i'm so sorry you have to address this. best of all luck to you.
khairete
S.

It won't matter if you wait until after her birthday or do it before it will always be something that will effect her. My parents separated when I was 9 and i'm still effected in little ways by it. I think sitting down with him and talking to him calmly (as possible) will be more effective to him because he'll know you mean business. I know this won't be easy because emotions tend to take over, but you also want to be able to at least be civil for your daughter.

If I were in your situation I would wait til after my daughter's birthday.

I am sorry you are going through this but you seem to have a good strategy and have thought it through!

Good Luck and remember that you are a LOT stronger than you might think!

First, I want to commend you on putting your children first. This is a very difficult situation for you to go through and keeping the "mask" on is difficult as well. For too many reasons, I won't go into now - I feel for you and the situation you're in. Unfortunately, you are not alone.

Moving forward, you seem to have a level way to looking at things and keeping yourself on the high road. As you stated, it is not in your nature to be under-handed, and you should stay true to yourself. Just because he hasn't honored you in this marriage doesn't mean that you shouldn't honor yourself!

I can certainly understand you wanting to wait until after your daughter's birthday to begin this process of separating and possible divorce. It is a selfless act and also will assist your daughter, who is at a critical age, not to associate her special day with this situation that will surely affect her.

It is also very smart of you to seek out options to garner & save more money. Hopefully, things will stay civil between you and your husband as this all unfolds, but it is not a given.

I think you should continue to be in cool, calm communication with him. If he has no idea that you are aware of all of his indiscretions, at some point the conversation will have to "go there". You certainly don't have to give up any of your sources or ways that you know about the details, but be prepared to let him know that this is the main source of the rift and reason for separation and that you can no longer tolerate living this way.

Stay close with your female friends and relatives - they will help you through this. Life will not always be this way. As a wise, female elder once told me, with regards to being in a similar situation - "you can't be unhappy forever". It's not about loving him, because I'm sure you do - we cannot turn our love off or on like light switches - however, we have to make sure that we don't have ourselves in situations that make us wear masks. You, just like him, have a right to enjoy your life and do what you wish...and with whom. Know that you are going to be parent partners for life for your children and do your best to rise about any pettiness and keep their best interests first.

I truly wish you well. Stay prayerful and positive.

Wait til after your daughter's birthday. What's a few weeks in the scope of a lifetime? It's a sign of maturity to delay that "immediate gratification" impulse. Put your daughter before this need to unleash. All the best.

I think you're right, No under-handedness. Do whatever you do gracefully. Step out of this marriage once you've secure your finances (Your seperate bank account) applying a reasonable amount of money to your personal account every pay day (do not transfer as it can be traced), and get credit in your name alone. Set your goals (write them down/scatch them out as they are accomplished). Then, plan the date of your approach according to it not being associated with any particular date tied to the kids. CONCERNS: Can you pay the house note on your salary alone? The Big Day: Plan a night out for dinner, reserve a quiet corner, dress your best, BE BOLD---get a new hairdo, look & smell ravishing with your head held high. Be as unresistable as possible. Take a copy of your evidence and once the night is coming to a close, present the facts, having seen a lawyer in advance with seperation papers in tow stating what you will be demanding in your divorce. V.