Separation Anxiety - Provo,UT

something I've started doing is telling my son that I'm going to the bathroom, or momma's room, etc, if you want to come you can. Then i wait to see if he follows me. if he looks up, i'll beckon him to come. if he starts following me, i walk slow enough so he can keep up. if he seems more interested in his toys, i just go. it's helped a lot, though we still have moments he will cry when i leave the room. but not as much as it used to be.

Both my kids did this around that age. I tried to let them participate in what I was doing. If I was folding laundrey, I gave them a couple of items to "help" fold. When I was cooking, I gave them some pots, tupperware, measuring cups to "cook" with...you get the idea. I also had a strap on carrier I plopped them sometimes too. Now that they are 4 and 1.5 yrs old, they aren't clingy at all. They play independently all the time, but they both know that I'm always available to spend time with them. Even if that time together involves doing some chores LOL.

All three of my kids started doing this at that age. With my oldest, I couldn't stand to hear her cry & so I always gave in & picked her up or played with her. She never learned to play well on her own. With my 2 boys I would have liked to do the same, but wasn't always able to because I was taking care of someone else. A funny thing happened. My boys learned quickly that when they started crying, it didn't mean I would come running every time & after a very short time, they started playing on their own & not crying for me nearly as much. I think that rushing to their aid every time teaches them that crying works - at this age, kids start pushing their boundaries & seeing what they can make you do - like when they drop everything off of their highchair to see if you'll get it for them. They all want to see how much control they have in this world. So I think that you can still respond to the crying, but maybe be a little slower to do so. Maybe let her cry a little bit, maybe for 5-10 minutes - it's not going to hurt her (as long as she's not telling you something else is wrong). Don't respond quite so quickly & see what happens after a while. I'm betting she's testing you & with a little encouragement will learn to play by herself once in a while. Good luck!

Hi A.,
First of all good luck with this. I remember my oldest daughter had a little bit of this. I was a single mom though. She understood when I went to work that she was staying with her aunt, but when I was not working, she thought I had to be within her sight constantly. I had several people suggest that I start talking (yelling) to her no matter what room I was in. If she was playing in her room and I needed to get some dishes or laundry done, I just carried on a conversation with her from afar. It worked very well. I did alot of yelling across the house, but as long as she could hear me, and knew that I hadnt left she did much better. Before I started this, I would go running if she got upset, but I learned that I could talk her down from anywhere in the house.
~anyways~ Thats how we coped with it.. GOOD LUCK!
H.

Assume she is 9.5 months? Get a back pack, she'll be happy, you can get what you need to done. My kids were each in a backpack a lot their first 2 years. They feel much more secure that way.

A.,

I like Kathy's advice about inviting your baby to go with you! First of all, I would remind you that this is a stage, and it will pass. You have to wait it out; you can't force her through it. If you handle it well, she will come through this stage as a secure, trusting toddler, ready to venture out on her own.

I think the key is to understand that independence develops naturally when baby feels safe and secure. You cannot make a child become independent by pushing him away. Instead, baby learns that you are going to leave him soon, so he becomes hypervigilant for the next time you leave. Instead of becoming independent, he becomes anxious and clingy. Sometimes it's even worse. Baby learns that you aren't going to be his safe place, so he gives up on asking you for it and goes looking for it elsewhere. When children learn that mom will be there whenever they need her, that they can always come back for a hug and some safety, they develop the confidence to venture out. The best way to foster indepence is to be that secure place for your daughter whenever she needs it.

I kept both my girls close throughout their babyhood. They were both fed on demand. They slept in our bed for the first few months. My younger daughter lived in her sling the first 4 months or so of her life. Whenever we went out, they were in their sling rather than a baby carrier or cart basket. I was constantly warned that we would develop emotionally stunted kids who couldn't do anything on their own. Quite the opposite! Now my friends who wouldn't let their children anywhere near their beds, who made them play by themselves and left them with sitters when they were a month old, they are the ones with whiny, clingy children who are constantly on the lookout for the next time their parents leave. My girls run out and do their thing. When I get back, they are happy to see me, but they love to explore. My youngest, at 18 months, still cries when I leave her, but she stops in just a couple minutes and then plays happily. Both my girls play on their own without complaining. (Although I wouldn't trust the toddler without supervision!) They still need to be held and rocked and cuddled sometimes, but the vast majority of the time they are ready to take on the world. Remind yourself each time you hold your baby that you are building the foundation of independence. Just like she has to learn her numbers before she can learn to add, she has to learn security before she can learn independence.

You may find that you are more ready to meet your child's needs after you get a break. Can you get out on your own? Can you leave your daughter with Daddy, grandparents, or a regular, trusted care provider. My youngest used to cry horribly when I dropped her off in childcare or left her with Daddy, but within minutes she was playing happily. If this is the case, then try to get some time to yourself. Tell your daughter that you will be back soon, kiss her goodbye and then go. When you get home, remind her "See, Mommy always comes home!" Go see a movie, or do some shopping. Even a trip to the grocery store without a kiddo in tow can feel like a luxury. However, if your daughter cries the whole time you are gone, then she isn't ready yet. I would not leave my child if that were the case.

The best advice I can give is to watch how your daughter is responding to what you are doing. Respect the way she feels, and realize that her needs are just as valid as any adult's. If you meet her intense need for you now, it will be satisfied and eventually she will grow out of it. If you try to force independence, her need will just get more intense, and she will be stuck in it. Follow your child, follow your heart. Do the best you can, forgive yourself when you fail, and that's all you can do!

Best of luck,
S.

My second baby was like that too! Using a sling (or front carrier) saved my sanity, my baby was so happy ini her sling and I could still do most of the chores I needed to do (don't cook with her in the sling as she could get burned). My little girl would also fall asleep in the sling really well, and then I could carefully put her on the bed, still in her sling. Sometimes I would put her into her Boppy when seh was sleeping in the sling, this seemed to fool her into thinking she was still in my arms. When your daughter gets old enough to crawl and/or walk she will get so busy playing and trying out her new skills that she will be much happier to play on her own for short periods of time. Good luck, and remember that she will be a big kid in no time and that you will look back wistfully to the time when all she wanted in the world was for you to hold her!

My son is 13 months now and is just barely playing on his own. He went through that same stage for a looong time. But you've only got about 4 months to go. Hang in there. New toys and little snacks like cheerios might take her attention. Lately I've been letting him play with pots and pans, plastic pitchers, and other things. But I frequently have to stop and pay him attention or get him something to snack on or drink. Good luck!

i know you don't like letting her scream, and i'm not suggesting that you let her go on forever, but she is also old enough that she is starting to learn that screaming is the quickesty way to get what she wants. she also needs to learn that when you walk away, it is not forever... i think this is fairly common at this age.

my daughter did simething similar... as you say, some times you do need to get things done... and they would just prefer you drag them around with you. but that just isn't always practical.

so my best advice.. just take a deep breath and just keeping talking to your daughter. i kind of kept up a running commentary. like this... 'honey, you'll be o.k... mama needs to go get the laundry, etc" be reassuring, but firm. it will probably take a while, but she'll soon figure out that she won't perish if you step away... plus i think this kind of thing will give her motivation to crawl on after you... after all there is a certain level of necessary frustration required for developmental motivation.

good luck!

My daughter recently went through this. I just would stay in her site and talk or sing to her. Then i would smile and make funny noises to get her to laugh. That way she knows that she does not need to throw a tantrum to get my attention. And that its ok for me to be across the room. On some occasions i would set her up in her bouncy or swing just outside of the kitchen with me, if she was absolutely unreasonable. Luckily....buy the time they go through it again....they can crawl over to you. Hope it helps!

You didn't say how old she was. My daughter did this two times I believe until she was walking. All I can say is reassure her verbally with a nice tone, but don't rush to her everytime and pick her up. That leads to mixed signals and starts a process you do not want to start!!! Pick her up and lot's of hugs AFTER she stops crying or after her tantrum. Just reassuring loudly if you leave the room and even that will take a few days. I think with my daughter it lasted a few weeks each time. It stopped when she was walking and could follow me everywhere and had too many thing to do besides be held!! :)
I would just sing really loudly if I left the room, continuing to tell her I was right around the corner,even doing the peek a boo around the corner for her and that always got a laugh.
If I had to move to another room for a while I would just move the playpen or swing and set her in it so she was close but no me having to hold her constantly. It is a phase, every child goes through it and it will happen again at some given point.
Let her pitch fits, don't scoop her up at the second she cries, when she calms down that is the perfect time to hold her tight and tell her "thank you for being patient with mommy", she doesn't totally get the whole concept but will figure out the reward for not pitching a fit.
Hang in there, we all have been there done that!!!! :)