Clingy Baby Question

My third son is like this right now. (18 mo.) When he gets really clingy like that, I go in the living room and lay on the floor. I let him crawl on me, we play pat-a-cake, whatever. He knows that he has my full attention. I've found that after a few minutes he's done with me, walks away, and I sneak back to whatever I was doing. If I try to shoo him away first, he just gets more whiny and clingy. It sounds goofy maybe, but it works for me.

oh, welcome to seperation anxiety!!! This too shall pass. The way i dealt with it is by explaining. So if I had to leave i would say, I have to go get some water, and will be back soon. Then while in the other room, I would say, i'll be right back. It took a while but he eventually started to get comfortable, and realized just because I'm gone, doen't mean I won't be back. This is so normal, and it's the age. I would say provide an explanation, even if he doesn't get it, and it will eventually work out. Try to leave the room a few minutes at a time, and talk to him from the other room. Good luck

Speaking as someone who has been through this (recently) and lived to tell about it: my daughter, now 2 years old, was just like that. Terrible sleeper, day AND night, and went through a terrible clingy phase. Everyone told me to put her down, let her cry, blah blah blah, or else end up with a terminally clingy, socially maladjusted child. Well, I went with my gut, listened to my baby, fulfilled her needs, (even at the expense of 2 years worth of a decent nights sleep, dates with the hubby, etc), and now I have a 2 year old who is incredibly secure, self-confident, marvelously attached, and who separates from me easily as needed to stay with babysitters and to go to preschool. I'd be sleeping much better at night except now I have an 8 month old going through the same darn thing. (oh well, at least the dates wiht the husband are back on...we just bring the little one with us!)

Contrast that with a little boy who is in my 2 year old's preschool class. His mother told me, a bit smugly, how she used a sleep training method to get him to sleep through the night by 8 weeks, and made sure to leave him with people often, from an early age, to "get him used to it." It is now 4 weeks into the school year and that child is still hysterical every single day when she drops him off, and again when she picks him up. Sure, I'll never know what "caused" either child to become the way they are, but I do know for sure that meeting my baby's needs, no matter how exhausting (24/7 for her first 18 months!!!) has NOT created a clingy, spoiled monster...quite the contrary. Hope that helps!

T.,

Enjoy the clingies while you can.

If you want to try naps: Darken his room, put him in his crib (or wherever he sleeps) and lay down either on the floor next to him, and gradually stop interacting with him, and pretend you're asleep. Any variation on the theme might work.

This doesn't always work for me with my son, but it does occasionally.

You aren't doing something wrong. He's just being who he is. Hug him and put him right back down; see how that works, too.

A hip sling might help too - being able to hold him for a bit, do some stuff, then let him down in a hurry to go crawling around (or is he walking?)

(where is here?)

Good Luck,
M.

I tend to think it's time to socialize your son more with others...

Hello T. M,

My son now 18 months old went through the same phase.... he whine and whine for me or my mother to pick him and when we did he'd whine to be put down. Since this issue was really getting to me and like you I didn't want him to become oneof those whiney babies who always want to be with mommy I asked my cousin who had twins and some other friends who have had babies and they all said the same thing.. " the baby is trying to test you try not to ppick him up but instead go down to his level and talk to him without picking him up" .. I know, I know ' but he's still a baby" is what i said but you know what .. it worked ... he did only want the attention so even though i did not give in to what he wanted ( 1 point for mommy) he did get the attention he wanted. He stopped doing that within a few weeks .. and well now I just talk to him like if he's a big boy and explain why i cannot hold him or play with him or whatever the issue may be and he just jibber jabbers back (god knows what he's ssaying) and goes to play on his own. SOOO adorable.. but hang on and just try to score points for the mommy team even though his crying does tear you up inside .. it'll help him in the long run. GOOD LUCK!

I'm not saying that this isn't just a phase, it could be...but it also sounds to me like something is wrong....and to me it sounds like teeth or ear problems....to me(just a mother of 5 small boys)it sounds like he isn't comfortable....look in his mouth for swelling/redness or white buds...if you see these things give him tylenol...if not call your ped. and ask him/her if you should bring him in to be seen...if he has fluid in his ears laying down may not be comfortable(although he is sleeping at night so this is probably not the case)but a 9 month old shouldn't not be napping, although 12 hours sounds like a lot, young kids require more sleep and the clingliness could be because he's over tired...try a naptime routine for after lunch everyday, even lay down with him if you must to start this pattern. I don't think it's being harsh to let him cry it out at naptime because after a week(or a couple of days) he won't cry anymore and I am a firm believer in teaching our children how to relax and have down time...it's important(for all of us, I recharge when they're napping too!) I haven't had my kids do this, yes, they have favored me or cried for me over daddy or someone else but not all day...he is still little and it could be a phase, but to me it sounds like a tired teething baby. I hope you both feel better soon. Best of luck.

I had some similar problems with my son - it sounds like he's feeling insecure about something, try carrying him around for a bit while you do your chores in a sling that keeps him close to your body like a mei tai or an ergo. Studies (and my experience) show that wearing your baby and letting them have that close contact actually make them less clingy in the long run. (It also helps with naptime - I don't routinely carry my son around now, he is two, but sometimes the sling is still the only way I can get him to nap.)

Hope that helps!

M.

I find that my son goes in phases of clinginess, and he's three. Somedays, he doesn't need me around to have fun all day long, and then somedays, he follows me around and says "play with me" all day long.

I would guess that your child is becoming more aware and understanding interactions between himself and people. Now, he craves attention. I would try to find another outlet for his attention. Perhaps there's a local center that has a playhour where he can go and play. You can check out the local MOPS groups, which is a national organization that gets mom's together for playdates at local churches. Next, the way I cope when my son is like this, is I keep him busy by me. If I want to work in the kitchen, I set him down in the kitchen with activities at the table. Perhaps you can set your child near you, in a high chair, give him some toys to play with so he is near you while you work.

My two always did this when they were in pain or were really tired. Maybe he's teething or overtired. I know you said he sleeps well at night, but only sleeping 20 min during the day is not enough. Does it happen at the same times every day? Maybe that's his que that he's ready for a nap. If it's pain, it could be that he doesn't know how to express himself and is looking for you to figure it out.

Don't worry, it will eventually pass!

I have a 9 month old and she is doing this a bit as well which is unlike her - it is a signal to me that she is feeling a bit needy - she is also cutting a tooth and tends to do this more when she is tired. If I am too busy to carry her around and play with her, then I just put her in a sling and do my stuff while she is in the sling and she is perfectly happy - the sling is great for this sort of thing. Your baby is letting you know that he needs you to be more attentive right now - he also might be really overtired by the time your hubby gets home. 20 mins nap is just not enough. I'd talk to your pediatrician about this. My baby still takes two 1.5 hrs naps each day if not more, and sleeps from about 8pm to 7pm. Every baby is different - but check just in case. Good luck.

9 months, ah, don't worry - it's just a phase. and you won't spoil him. He wants his Mommy - enjoy it while you can. Because very soon, he starts to walk and have much more chances to explore and won't ask to be picked up all the time. Besides, I bet, that in about 50% of when he asks you to pick him up, he doesn't really want that, you understand him like that, he just doesn't know how to express himself to tell what he really wants in that specific case.
P.S. I've just read Crystal's response... the thing is that at 18 months - you can get away with giving your child like 10 minutes of full attention and then come back to doing your business. Toddler behavior. You still have an infant - and at this stage you'd have to spend much more time with him, even if you'll be just sitting close to him and watch him (forget about doing something what needs to be done even if you're 5 steps away - lol), but again, really, it's just a phase. When they step into toddlerhood they start to know what independence means, and don't ask for mommy all the time, only when They want...

Hi T.,

My son who will be 18 mths tomorrow, went through a similar phase. Only difference is that he didn't only cry and tug at me, he threw tantrums and wanted me to pick him up all the time. It was especially embarrassing when he did it in public and would not calm down even when I did carry him. He socializes with other kids at the sitter, his gym and swimming lessons, but mommy is mommy. I had to learn how to tune his crying out and keep going on with my day to day activities, but this phase will pass. Just comfort him and show him that you will be there when he needs you.

Good luck.

D.

Hey there, it's totally normal. I have two boys myself (9yo & 5yo)and they are both somewhat possessive of mommy. I'm home all the time with them as well. Whenever my husband and I hug, the kids get in the middle and sometimes even the dog! I think it's funny. We have this joke like...only 20 years and we can have a private snuggle. I think that your son might just be testing boundaries. Did you consider that he could also be teething? That makes for some moody babies. If this is the case...get him something cool to chew on. I hope this helps.

Hi T.,

I reckon this is separation anxiety, my two went through it at about the same age and it went on for a couple of months and then more or less stopped. It's a tough time to go through but it means all good things like the fact that your son is developing and learning and doing everything he should be. One thing that helped me was distraction, if you're in the kitchen when he's tugging at your leg then why not pull out a pot and a wooden spoon for him to play with, or you could pull out a bunch of plastic containers for him to mess with.
My older daughter used to become very cranky when Daddy came home from work, I couldn't figure it out. I think it was probably an attention thing...she had my 100% attention all day and then when Daddy came home the whole dynamic would change. Also she was tired at that point an found it difficult to deal with her emotions. What I did was try to include her in things and keep her as calm as I could.....distraction distraction distraction!!

Good luck,
M..

Hi!

It's normal...all 3 of mine went thru this stage...it's tough!

Just a word of caution...it's ok if he cries a bit...he needs to learn that mommy has a few other things to do...I barely let our oldest cry because I just didn't know any better. She's 5 1/2 and still demanding...ugh! lol

J.

i would say that he def needs more nap time. at least an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. thats my advice. i would just leave him in the crib after he wakes from the 20 minute siesta at least for "quiet" time in the crib...hopefully this is just a phase. good luck!

My first thought, before I even got to your note about his naps, is that he isn't getting enough sleep. Even with a 12 hr night, being awake 12 hrs straight might be too much for him. If he just wanted to be picked up, I'd think that was normal, but the fact that pickin him up doesn't placate him makes me think he isn't clingy, but overtired. I don't have any suggestions on how to get him to nap, but most sleep books have ideas. Good luck!

It sounds like your child is unsure if you are going to come back or not when you leave his eye sight...If I were you I'd start playing hide and seek by putting a toy under a blanket then reveal it to him..let him see you put it under the blanket and reveling it to him. This should help teach him that just b/c he cant see you doesnt mean your gone forever, you will come back. Then you can move on to you hiding behind a wall, blanket,table whatever, and he will catch on. I recomend a book called What to expect, the toddler years. It covers many issues and this is one of them. Good luck!

sounds like normal 9 month old behavior. That is the age where they start getting separation anxiety but they also want to be more independent. Play a lot of peekaboo where you step out of his sight and come back in so that he learns that you don't disapear when you leave the room. Also, do you have a good baby carrier, maybe a back carrier like the Ergo? Carrying him in a carrier will make him feel safe and secure while letting you have your hands free to do stuff. He'll let you know when he wants to get down. Don't worry, you can't spoil him or make him more dependent by doing this. It is a phase he is going through. Nurture him through it and it will pass.

Our oldest could play for hours by himself , but youngest was very "clingy" at that age(some kids are more needy I think). I stay at home with the kids so I am there for them 24/7. Everyone kept telling me that our youngest would just grow out of it(now there is a normal level attachment to the mother, but when a child needed me every second of the day and would cry if stranger would even look at him......I did not find it healthy)So after a year never leaving him in the nursery at our church, one day we took a plunge. Laddies there were very helpfull, and the first couple times he cried close to an hour.It has been getting better and better and now at 20 months he goes in and does not even cry. Now he always napped 3-5 hours a day(even now still takes 2 naps), so I can not imagine how you do it. I was advised to carry him in the carrier all day long, but it was not an option for us since I did not see how it will benifit our child in the long run.If you can afford you can look around for some Mother's morning hour programs . I used to be a member of mom's group on meetup.com and we did free babysitting swap so moms can get a break. ALso you might want to look around for some baby classes(music, gymboree, little gym) it might help him with "playing" skills.Hope something will work:)