Sensitive Subject,

P.,

This is something that you need to really have a heart to heart discussion with your husband about. One thing I know is it isn't your body that is the problem. It is interesting to me that so many woman let their mind go there. I believe that your husband is depressed. As long as you are loving and kind to him, his sexual behavior isn't about you. Take the time to really talk to him about what he is feeling.
If he is having a hard time discussing it, perhaps a third party would be wise.

Wishing you all the best,
With my whole heart, C..

marriagetoday.org has wonderful resources that I think could be very helpful to you and your husband. I hope you can get this resolved, intimacy in a marriage is extremely important!!!

It may not hurt for him to see a urologist. just to rule out medical issues. But it's more likely stress issues (as others have said).
It's also possilbe that his embarrassment of not being able to finish and anxiety over it happening again actual lead to difficutly getting started and going through the whole thing.
And, men's libido begins to wane in their 20s while as women, we are building up to a peak in libido somewhere in our 30s. Nature's cruel joke, huh?

I would talk to him. Sometime when things are calm and you're not asking for sex. Just tell him "honey, I'm worried about you." before brining everything up. Make sure that your discussion is about helping him. He may open up and tell you if he doesn't feel threatened.
(And tell him about your fanatsies. Mabybe you becoming a mom makes him forget that you're also a woman who still enjoys those things)

Sometimes men have a hard time getting back into the swing of things after a baby. He may be going through some kind of depression and that will cause a loss of interest in sex. Have you tried doing things to spice up the sex? If the baby is asleep, try cleaning the house naked when he is watching tv and see if that gets his attention. It will also help if you make an effort to get you body back to normal, even though that shouldn't effect him. If you can't get him to open up or respond to your efforts to spice things up, you should seek counciling. Good luck.

P.,

If this is your first baby together, he has most likely had a difficult time adjusting to NO sex during the 6 weeks after the baby came. It really typically has nothing to do with your looks as much as environmental factors. He is most likely struggling with stress of having a new baby, lack of sleep still at night, and working. Besides money issues in this day, even the slightest concerns will cause 10 times more stress while trying to balance a new family with work. Just give him some time to adjust and don't push the sex subject too much, he'll come around again. Early in the morning after a decent nights sleep would be the best time to start something. Hope this helps a little.

HI P.,

I can hear the pain in your heart. Don't despair. Many women face this challenge. My husband went through a similar situation a few years ago. Everything is fine now, but I think it was related to stress. He was working really long hours and was in school. Is your husband stressed or extra busy? It could be related to his diet. If he eats too much fat and sugar, it will be affected. But you said he works out. If he is often glued to electronics, you need to make sure he is not into online pornography. Do whatever you have to do to figure this out. Then you can help him work on that if need be. You are a loving wife and you deserve to know he loves you. Talk to him and find out what you can. Good Luck

Hi P.,
I know how painful this can be when you want to connect with your spouse.
It truly sounds as if there may be something physical going on with your husband so please don't be so quick to blame your post-baby body.
You didn't say anything about what the two of you had discussed but that is the place to begin. Make sure you are very specific that you miss him and your intimacy without blaming him. Ask him for honesty and be prepared to listen.
I hope all goes well. Best wishes. Please let us know how things are going.

P.,

This is not uncommon. It isn't you. It is him. Sex or the desire for sex starts in the brain. What is preventing him from wanting sex? It could be physiological, it could be psychological. I know he is embarrassed, but maybe a trip to the doctor is in order. If it isn't physiological, maybe a few sessions with a couples, or marriage (sex) therapist would be good. Maybe it is just a question of build up. You could try leaving sexy notes where only he would find them. Or let him know in physical ways that you want and need him. With this problem, there might not be anything you could physically do to him to get him interested. I don't know if you are a prayerful person, but this might be something that would require meditation and prayer for the answer on how best to handle this situation. Good luck.

My husband went though something similar last year. The hard part was, because he would be embarrassed by his performance (or lack of) he's shy away from anything that would involve us being intimate. He played video games, watched tv, I even think he pretended to be asleep a few times!! I did some research about it online, and the majority of "those" problems are due to stress. Even if it has nothing to do with your marriage. Work, finances, anything can trigger it, and you have to learn not to take it personally and he has to learn to not shy away from you because of previous failed attempts.

There are plenty of techniques to help release stress, and it is definitely worth investigating. I hope you find this helpful.

You should ask him. And give him the freedom to be completely honest. But prepare yourself for the answer because you cant get mad, but I would rather know if it was me or if he is just in a rough spot. Sometimes guys get in a funk and your right it is emarrasing for them, and the more happens the harder it is for them to get back in the saddle. But I would be concerned about the games. My nephew and cousin are addicted to those computer games, and they would rather play games than hop in the sac. One even got divorced because of it.

When my spouse was in graduate school, he rarely wanted it. I also had the discussion and feeling it was me and he wasn't attracted to me. After a talk, he would be sweet and make sure to come on to me but then I would be mad and not want it because I felt like he was obligated. I came to realize that stress for him makes him power down and have no libido. We also found that I am ready to do it at night after I have wound down but he is more ready in the am and afternoon (the last time I want to as I am worried about kids, naptime, what needs to get done in the day etc.). It is hard because most women talk about how their man wants it all the time and they don't want to give it. (Funny how there are some of us women that it is the other way around:) They are just human too and if busy and stressed, their libido is lower. good luck.

Hi P., I also have experienced this situation. I really believe it is a performance issue with men. If they can't last long, it seems they feel to embarrased and just forego altogehter. We have ordered Viagra online and it works like a charm. You don't have to have a perscription. So, if I were you I would order some and when it comes in make a fun time of it!! Use your imagination and make sure you are loving when you explain if necessary, you really miss making love to him and that it's something you need to feel connected to him. He may order it on his own if he knows he does'nt have to go to a doctor to explain. If necessary, tell him your girlfriend gave you one of her husbands. Then maybe he will not feel so bad. (A little white lie never hurt anyone)As women, we are very emotional and almost feel as if they don't love us anymore or worse yet the unthinkable - he is getting it somewhere else. I honestly don't think they get that about us. You must take control. Just do it, it's important. If he loves you he will understand.

Good luck,
D.

I would look first at his workload, and I mean at home, too. As others have said, stress can affect a man, so can fatigue, which can be caused by stress. Also, remember, and maybe remind him, that impotence affects just about every man at some time or another, for a variety of reasons. You can talk to him about it if you want, or you can just leave it be, and wait until he feels up to it. If it is stress, find ways to help relieve that stress. Maybe find ways to do something together that doesn't involve intimacy. Play his games with him, watch his shows with him. Renew your friendship, and maybe the love life will be revived on its own. I understand your fears about him not being attracted to your body, been there, done that. My advice on that would be to change how you feel about your body. I know that the happier I am about my body, the happier my husband seems with it, too, and I am no where near a good weight. Best of luck to you.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I was wondering if there is a possibility of pornography being the problem? I have a friend that had this problem, and it turned out that her husband was addicted to pornography. I know this can be very painful and I hope you can get this resolved, whatever is causing it, and have a happy, loving intimate relationship. Good luck.

Dear P.,
Sadly for me, I've been experiencing a similar situation since we got married four years ago. I've really struggled through the fears about my body and the anger I felt toward him and his (what I saw as) "with-holding" his attention and affection. I've had some frank discussions with him during this time (-sometimes while slightly drunk and sobbing that I'm fat or maybe he's having an affair...NOT a good idea). I tried everything I could think of to no avail. (I mean, I'm willing to dress like a bunny and tap dance if that's what it takes!!! I'm a team player...) What I've discovered is:
1. My husband's libido is not as strong as mine, and that is ebbs and flows.
2. My HUSBAND is more effected by stress and emotion when it comes to intimacy than I am
3. He has insecurities about his body too.

Turns out recently he's been effected by a strange scar tissue issue on his mighty " Winky". His "trouser snake" gets a little crooked when at full attention and it's somewhat uncomfortable - though not painful. He went to a urologist and got it looked at and it may get better on it's own, or he might need surgery down the road.

But I digress. I actually talked to my OB, a guy, when we were trying to get pregnant and he gave me a script for some Viagra, but this ended up really insulting my husband. We're doing okay now, but not great. I'd still like to be intimate more, and yet I'm coming to realize I may have to fulfill my own needs more often if we're to have harmony in our home. Anyway, I totally understand where you are coming from and I have absolute sympathy for your situation.