Self Image

I know the feeling you have becaue i am 43 and i hate the way i look. In my house i only have a mirrow in my bathroom and it only shows me from the chest up. I stay at home and i have 3 kids also but two are teens and one will been soon. I would like to know how to give myself confendence too . So if anyone has any ideas please send them my way too.

A LITTLE MORE ABOUT ME IM 43, Married, 3 childern Full time MOM

I feel like you do a lot of times. Sometimes I end up going to bed feeling like things would be better off if I were gone. When I wake up, usually things seem a little better (unless I'm exhausted), and then I look at my kids & realize that they love me no matter how much weight I've gained or yucky my hair is or how dumpy I feel. I don't spend lots of money on clothes for myself, but I remind myself that I can buy stuff for my kids for treats and that's what they remember. It usually brings me out of my funk. Even if I can't get out of it, I try to hide how I feel around my kids so that they're not negatively affected by my feelings (it doesn't always work). Good luck. You're a mother, a wife and a career woman. You're already beautiful to a lot of people that count.

Serve! Serve other people. Do you and you family belong to a church organization where you can help out. Also anytime you start thinking about yourself negatively take a step back and say ok, is this really something I need to change about myself or is it something that affects no one else but me. If its not a constructive complaint about yourself then that complaint is worthless. Throw it out and fling it far away from you!!!

Don't talk negatively about other people. Be forgiving and forbearing about their faults. No one is perfect so don't fall into the habit of making their faults worse than yours. There may be some reason they are the way they are. If you knew that reason you would have understanding and might treat them differently because knowing that fact would make them human instead of your enemy.

This is not a popular world theory. Everyone wants to get back at others but the people who can live this way have more peace and happiness in life then anyone you'll ever meet. Some call this the doormat approach but it is not. If someone is truly taking advantage of you in a way that is harmful to you and people around you, you are able to kindly and firmly tell them what you want and need with love in your heart for that other person. You have spoken your mind after assessing if its really good for all involved, and you have no regrets afterward because you know you treated the other person fairly and with respect.

You can get your hair done, nails painted, buy new clothes but it will only last so long. Beauty should start on the inside and I know with these things you'll start to everyone positively including yourself.

One last thing, if this helps, I firmly believe that we are all Gods children whether we are a bad person or a good person. We were all created equally with immeasurable potential. Even if we choose to not live up to that great heritage, God will always love us the same and it means we are never better than anyone else and no one is ever better than us. We are all brother and sister with one Heavenly Father. For me, knowing this really puts things into perspective!

Hope this helps.

Hi, I struggled a bit after I had my son (i.e. put on weight) and had a really judgemental father-in-law.

Music has always helped me--and 2 songs in particular--Mary J Blige's "Work what you've got" and "pork n beans" by Weezer"--I just love the line "I look in the mirror and I'm tickled pink, I don't give a hoot about what you think" and "I ain't gonna wear the clothes that like, I'm fine and dandy with the me inside".

Hope that helps.

Oh, and more words of wisdom "Noone can make you feel inferior without your consent"--Eleanor Roosevelt, who was no beauty, but accomplished a lot.

I think it's stress, honestly. We get so busy, between work and its demands, racing home to be with the kids, doing everything we can for them, buying groceries, making sure they get to where they need to be, feeding them, cleaning the house, doing the laundry. . .. at some point in there it's easy to find your selfhood evaporating. You get to the point where life is all about them, and you feel basicall invisible, and you don't feel like the person you used to be.

Guess what? you aren't. You are a much richer, much more capable person. Trouble is, as moms we don't do so much for ourselves, and we do so much for the family that it's hard to feel good about us.

I think (and I could be WAY off, so just tune me out if I am) that it might be helpful to do something good for yourself. Go to a gym and start an exercise plan, or go to the Y and start swimming laps or something. Do something that is GOOD for you, and helps you to take pride in a new accomplishment. Take an adult education course in something you'd like to do -- our local school offers all kinds of stuff -- line dancing, quilt making, cake decorating . . . and it's a good way to meet other people, as well as to accomplish something new. It might be tough to juggle your family time to find time for just you, but if it leaves you feeling proud of yourself, and also healthier (in the case of exercise), then your family will be happier that you did it.

Also, look at whom you are measuring yourself against. Is that person working FT AND juggling 3 kids and a spouse? Oftentimes single people seem so much more "out there" and interesring in a crowd, because they do it a whole lot more than we do, and because they HAVE TO, in order to have a sense of belonging. You already have that sense of belonging, and I do, too, but I do find that in social situations, I have more to say about my kids than about myself, and I'm sure no one wants to hear all that !! Proud as I am. oopsie I do some other stuff, like sail on tall ships, but that's such a foreign world to most people that while it's interesting, they don't want to hear about it either. In fact, most people don't want to hear about anyone other than themselves -- so if you can come up with some "token qustions" to get conversation going, you won't have to talk at all. . . . That will at least get you started.

But, really, do something for you I suspect you are doing so much for the rest of your family, and for work, that you've forgotten what it's like to do something for yourself. And the first step is to give yourself permission to do something special, just for you. it will enrich your life, and that will enrich the lives of your family, as well.

All the PP sound great, I agree with pretty much all of it. But have you ever spoken to your husband about how you feel? If you haven't, you should. Maybe hearing from him how wonderful and beautiful he thinks you are will give you a little boost! there is nothing like hearing sweet things on a regular basis to lift you up! good luck! :)

Yes. I think it has always been a problem for me. I am 42, married with 2 kids and I work full time too. I was feeling old, was put on blood pressure medicine, so my mom suggested I joined Curves. I try to go on my way home from work for 30 minutes then home. It was easy, I started losing inches and you feel good about doing something for yourself. Next I am working on finding a more fulfilling job. Because it is not all about what you look like on the outside it is liking yourself on the inside. It starts with liking yourself and feeling good and things just get better from there.

T.,
I have a few things to try and a few are totally free. I know its impossible but, you have to find time for just you. I have 3 kids too and were always running. If you dont give your self some time you end up loosing your self. Try some prayer. Even if its right before you go to bed. Just have a little friendly chat with your higher power, or keep a journal and write letters to your god and see if writing will also help you figure out whats bothering you. Go on a date with your husband. Even if its a walk around your block. YOu need some intimate time with him too. Seek a little personal counseling. There is nothing wrong with you but talking to a person who had no interest in your life and can give you a totally unbiased opinion, suggestions, and help is very refreshing. I always hated my self. with a little counseling and prayer im getting more comfortable with me.

I think we all go through this especially when were busy taking care of everyone else. We tend to forget what strong people we are for being able to juggle a life that many people may not be able or choose not to have. You need to stop and realize that being a good parent and wife is a great thing and something to be proud of. I know I forget that often and I dont hear someone telling me that, that often either. Mabe a little makeover could boost that beautiful spirit of yours. Get a haircut, buy new makeup, throw a MaryKay party which the consultant can give you a makeup makover, take walks regularly to boost those endorphins, let you significant other know how you feel, meet with friends who know you for you, and pray. Prayer can work like magic! Best Wishes keep your head up.

Hey you,

I know your request was almost a week ago but I had to write because I WAS just like you. I read some of the responses and I have to tell you that yes God can help you. But even more than that...you are a mom and therefore BEAUTIFUL!! not every one has what it takes to be a good mom and manage a full time career. There was a quote in a mag once that i read and it went something like this..."We are moms, therefore we are beautiful. Not necessarily skinny, but strong. Not always in full make up, but ready to charge to the rescue if someone small is crying." This day to day life takes someone strong to manage it. So you can do this. I have done what some of the responses have said. I dedicated myself to just doing little nice things for others in my life. Yes it's nice to do for people but the reward comes from the responses you get from doing them. When you start to hear people say that you are such a good and giving person and they tell others that same thing and you hear it...the benefit of that immediately MAKES you feel better about yourself. You feel worth something and needed. It'll take you where you never knew you could go. Giving is an amazing thing and when you start to give you WILL receive. Not just from others but from yourself. Hope that helps and God bless. A.

My sister was the most popular girl in school and I was what you could call a voluntary outcast. After college I moved back home with a new found self worth and confidence, only to find out that the only reason I didn't get asked out was because me low self-esteem had caused me to appear uninterested. What I'm trying to get at is you can't look at yourself in comparison of others. Think of it this way how many of the women you know back in highschool have what you have. The fact that you are married with not one but 3 children means you are attractive. Ask your husband what he likes best about you and when you shop or go out make sure you concentrate on those things and others will too.

I know how you feel. I also have issues with my self confidence. My best advice for you is to get out and walk. (By yourself)start out slow, then speed up. After about 2 weeks you will feel better. When you exercise, your body releases a hormone called adrenaline which naturally boosts your mood. It will be hard at first being the amount of children you have and having a full time career. Believe me I am in your same boat, only more. If this doesn't work, see your doctor about trying an anti-anxiety drug. I have found Effexor XR to work really good. Best of luck!

T.,
I think most women feel the way you do, I know I do. Most don't admit it though. With the way women are shown in TV commercials and movies it is no wonder we feel the way we do. But we have to look deeper inside for what true beauty is. Most of my life I have been told that I am pretty. I think quite frankly I am average. And being almost 39 and like 20 lbs heavier than I have ever been in my life I really struggle with things like you do. Also, my childhood was not great so that is a contribution as well. If I am having a down day, I try to think of those less fortunate and try to do something for someone. Like send flowers or a card for no reason just to brighten their day. I will go get a new haircut/style, a pedicure or go for a long walk by myself. Excersise is so important! I feel great when I am on a regular walking schedule and I eat right. Sugar and caffiene and junk adds to my down days so I try to stear clear. Dark chocolate though, makes me feel good! :0) I also read novels (not the trashy ones) from Nora Roberts, Jennifer Cruise etc... that always makes me feel good. I also compare myself "If I just had jair like hers, if I could just lose 10lbs, if I had a smaller butt, if I....etc..." It is bad to think like that but we are human. Talk to someone, most local churches have someone there for free. Or check into your insurance fro counseling...maybe there is an underlying issue? Or maybe just get together with a great female friend you can trust and talk to her? Try not to be so hard on yourself and remember we are all here for a reason to contribute to this life. You are a strong wonderful woman and do something for YOU to get through this. Email if you'd like cause I know how you feel!
Good luck and God Bless!
Christina

Girlfriend, if you are juggling a hubby, three kids and a full time career, you ARE beautiful and talented.... you are just seeing yourself through a fog of fatigue. Rejoice in your accomplishments and take a deep breath in and out. You are terrific!

I don't know much about you, but hopefully you won't find this too off the wall. Have you ever considered learning to bellydance? Bellydancing is physically and intellectually challenging, it looks beautiful on all body types, and you will meet really fun and inspiring women. I would recommend starting with an American Tribal Style beginners class.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do - follow your bliss.

I am a firm believer in feeling good because you look good. Check out Missus Smarty Pants website. I think it will help you out. I also struggle with not feeling good about myself. I think negative thoughts when I look in the mirror and I express my feeling about myself to my husband and he always tells me that what I think others see of me is not what they actually see. I struggle with this often but try to continue to remember what my hubby says. I hope this helps and you start feeling better :)

Hi T.

I can understand, I think as a mom and a full time career, it's really hard. I'm a stay at home mom and I was in a meeting lately with a bunch of single people and they were like what are you up to, and I felt like my kid stories couldn't compare with the exciting new jobs everyone had.

I do agree with alot of what people already said, I have 3 kids under 5 and I'm struggling with losing all the weight. I think it's good sometimes to look at yourself through your kids eyes, they think you are awesome, and powerful and really look up to you!

They other thing is that EVERYONE struggles with self esteem issues and NO ONE is perfect. I have gone an antidepresents myself a few years ago and they do help for a time.

I'm not sure where you are at with god, but is true that he has an incredible love for you and thinks you awesome too!
I will keep you in my prayers!

A good walk does help!

A. Martin

Dear T.,
Anyone who is the mother of three children with a set of twins in the mix and who has a full time career deserves a big pat on the back. You must be busy every minute and have a difficult time finding any "alone" time. Do you have any female friends that you could talk with or share experiences regarding how you are feeling. I think you will find you are not alone and that many women have similar feelings and doubts about themselves. Being in different social situations can be uncomfortable and it isn't unusual for people to start to doubt their ability to "match up." Talking with a friend does help. It may not make the problem disappear, but just getting it out in the open to discuss is helpful. Comparing with another can be helpful. You sometimes see that you are not alone and that others have similar feelings and experiences.
Finally, there is the possibility of talking with a counselor or other mental health professional if you feel you do not want to confide these feelings to an acquaintance or if they are so severe thatprofessional help would be beneficial. This could help you sort out things and, possibly come up with some concrete steps that will help you increase your self esteem. The fact that you wrote in to try and deal with how you are feeling is something you should be proud of...... you have taken the first step in dealing with these feelings and working toward a solution to help yourself. Sounds like a pretty smart person who should be proud of herself!

Do you have a hobby or a sport that you absolutely love?! I play tennis and it makes me feel so alive!!! and healthy and good about myself. It doesn't matter if someone is better than me, it is actually more fun to play with someone who is better! I also love to dance. Last five years I have taken up dancing Argentine Tango. It is very gracious, sexy and the music is so passionate. The people who love Tango are ladies and gentlemen so I hang with a nice group. I think that every woman should have something that she feels passionate about, and get good at it -- and that every girl should have a sport to get good at -- it is a real self esteem booster! Now that I am fifty and gray hair is growing in all around my face, I did go get a new haircut with bangs (I have never yet died my hair) and my daughter says I got more chipper! But feeling good really does come from inside. When you are happy, you glow! and people want to be around you. I also love to do good things for others -- strangers. When I see someone who is suffering I send them compassionate thoughts, and I wish them well. I tell my kids, "Go forth and be a blessing!" I believe it makes them feel that they already are.
Good luck to you,
N

I know exactly what you feel like. Go and talk to your family doctor. Maybe they can recommend a therapist to you. You need to talk to someone because it could be a much bigger problem, like depression. Don't give up on yourself. Which is sometimes easier said than done. Good luck.

Dearest T.;
Let me first start off by saying you are a BEAUTIFUL AND BLESSED Woman!! Never forget that. However you cannot worry about what other people think, you have to learn to think positively regarding yourself. You are responsible for rearing 3 beautiful children so make sure you instill in them good self esteem which believe it or not you have. The most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children and the most prettiest woman in the world may have hell in her life. So let it go and love you, because by loving yourself you will really see what a beautiful person you truly are. Stay blessed and remember God does not make junk - you are beautifully and wonderfully made. I am a mother, a grandmother and a great grandmother and I consider myself a true "Diva"...
Become a "Diva". Take care - P. Lamb (NJ)

Hello T.,
I can relate to you. I used to be so overweight I hated looking at myself in the mirror. Even when I lost the weight I still was not happy with myself and my life. It is when I turned to GOD that eveything change. I prayed and went to service and met people that could help and relate to me. That changed my whole outlook on life. I hope I helped , if only a little.

M.

T.,

I have recently gone through this myself. I needed a change; I just didn't know what it was I needed. I agree with the other ladies as far as praying. I think that helps a lot, but my prayer was to ask the Lord what I can do that will make me feel better about myself. Well, I got my answer. Just 2 days ago, I decided to go to www.marieclaire.com, plug in my photo and give myself a whole new makeover with hair and makeup... it's FREE. I was able to see what I would look like with a different look. Well, I decided to take the plunge. I took the photo and went to the hair dresser. My hair was to the middle of my back. It's now above my shoulders! I changed my makeup based off of the photo too. What a difference! I feel like a completely different person, in a good way! I feel uplifted. I feel like I get noticed again (not that my husband isn't enough, but it definitely boosts self esteem). Sometimes us moms we need to take time out for ourselves. Be brave... do something spontaneous...

Have you talk to god lately? he loves you for who you are,you are wonderfully made in his image,spend some quite time with god and he will give you the answer you need.

Hi T.,

There's nothing more I can say differently than the women who wrote before me. I struggled with self esteem issues also. Live day to day, doing what you do best and making every moment count. this world can be a very dangerous place at times , when you read the paper it is filled with dangerous people and it constantly reminds me that the people in my life who matter the most to me can be taken away from me in an instant. Whenever I have negative thoughts I try (believe me I can not always snap out of negative thoughts...but I try hard to) to remember what is mos important to me at that moment. Is it my body that I am not happy with right now, or the fact that I still have not accomplished the career job I've always wanted, or is it the smile on my sons face, or that I can pick up the phone at that moment and tell my husband, mother, sister, brother, etc...that I love them and appreciate them. Then most times I refocus and go on. Believe me I know that this is a day to day struggle! But it is possible to have great days and thats when you can look back and "love" yourself more and what/who is around you.
Love, L.

In social situations when you find yourself feeling awkward, ugly, your outfit is dorky, you aren't doing anything you're proud of to talk about etc etc etc..Stop and remember that no one else is focusing on you. Drop your thoughts about yourself, and become interested in other people. Don't just act interested, really be interested. Ask questions, and be warm and listen. Dont talk a lot, and don't worry about what you're wearing. Do't even tell yourself you need to be having a good time. Just relax and "be". Some of my most fun times have been when I have been so dorked out and horrid that I had to dismiss myself and totally focus on others. It's hard work, but always rewarding. Sometimes I would conslole myself by thinking, "Well, at least I'll make other people feel good for being more fabulous than me...:)..!" It's all silly. No one is better than you, We're all the same. Make sure no one else in your life is treating you badly. If all this comes from within you, then take a minute to fully feel and acknowledge your grief when it strikes, then say a prayer of thankfulness for your health and your family and your intelligence and your life and ask for the pain to be driven away every time it happens. Do it fifty times a day if necessary. Be nice to yourself by eating foods that are good for you and keeping your appearance and exercise up. Do something nice for someone when you're feeling badly. Don't be critical of others, even in your mind, because you may be handing out those same criticisms to yourself, or thinking others think it of you. Breathe and clear your mind. Say your list of thanks before sleep and tell yourself you love yourself in the mirror every morning-just like you tell others, and smile at youself! -it really helps! If your depression can't be lifted alone, seek help. Bless you! Good luck!

You are not alone. I struggle with it to. What you have to realize is that we are all human and you are not the only one who thinks this way. Also realize that the people around you do not think of you the same way you think of yourself. If we could ever ask the other people what they really thought we might not be able to handle the flattery. So just go out there and be the best version of yourself that you can be and people will love you for the sweet woman that you really are.

By the way if you can handle 6 year old twins you are already my hero.

You are already a beautiful and strong woman to me. You are a mom to 3 kids and you work full time. I am only a mom to one little boy and I stay home with him (I just finished school) and some days I find him exhausting. But look at what you do everyday being a Mom to 3 kids and handling your job. Impressive!!! If you don't like something about yourself, just try to change it a little bit everyday. I wanted to lose weight so everyday when my son took a nap I turned on my tv and went to my cable's On Demand channel and did a 10 to 20 minute exercise, for free. I could only do it about 2 times a week and before I knew it I was doing it almost everyday and I felt great and slept great and even had more energy. Good Luck and write me if you ever just want to vent about how you are feeling. Just remember you are not alone and we all have days that we don't feel that great about ourselves.

Hey T., I'm a mother of three and grandmother of three. I have been where you are and the best advice I can give you is to talk to a counselor. There is nothing wrong with talking to someone. The fact that you are asking for advice is very good. Please don't delay, for your sake and your children. Your employer might have EAP which would be very beneficial to you and your family. Or if you are married your husband's employer might have it also. It is very confidential and free for 5 visits to a counselor. Good luck and let me know how you are doing. ~D. j

You are certainly not alone. You must remeber to always find the positive in yourself...whatever it may be. Maybe you listened to a friend or helped out a loved one. Just know you can only do so much in a day. Three kids, full time career, taking care of the day to day...it is not easy. We all go through it. Keep talking to your friends. Many times they will give you the positive stroking you need right now.

Hi T.,

Self confidence is always a hard battle for many people. I struggle with it myself. For me I am too hard on myself. I never seem to measure up to my expectations of myself. At the same time I love myself. I have worked on this for years. It took a long time to find the good things about myself that I love, but figure out what they are with you. Once you figure out what they are try to strengthen those characteristics.

I love dancing so I teach my daughter how to dance. I love nature so I teach my daughter about nature. This gets me out of the negative day to day hard times.

I have very good friends that know my feelings and share their similar ones. There is nothing more valuable than a good friend that you can confide in. If that person is your husband, connect with him more often.

Give yourself a break and figure out where your expectations of yourself are just too high. Take some time in the morning and write down the good things that you accomplished the day before and reflect on it often. Also put the things you would like to accomplish during that time.

ONLY COMPARE YOURSELF TO YOURSELF! This is the most important thing you can do. You will never live up to your perceptions of what society want or what you percieve others are able to acomplish!

Try to focus on love and peace and not what is left to do.

Good luck!

S. :D

I would very highly recommend the book "When People Are Big and God Is Small" by Edward Welch. It had a powerful impact on my life in the areas of fear-of-man and self confidence. I hope this helps!

I agree with Heather about exercise making you feel better. You have three children and a full time career--I'm sure you are SUPER busy--but also try to find some time for yourself. Take an hour on a Saturday morning to treat yourself to a manicure or a pedicure or a wash & blow dry at your salon. It does help. If you think these feelings are deeper that the result of lacking time for yourself, please talk to your doctor. A mild antidepressant could possibly help.
Focus on the fact that you have a full life, three beautiful kids but don't define yourself as a mom, wife and employee--discover some of your own interests and hobbies that make you happy and dedicate some time to those. Good luck and God Bless!

T.,
I commend you for being vulnerable enough to share your feelings with us. I know exactly what you are feeling. I have gone through this most of my life. There are so many things that can trigger these feelings -- a job you don't like, parenting issues, relationship issues, fatigue, financial issues and the list goes on and on.

Although I don't feel 100% at the moment due to some very stressful and trying times over the past year, there are a number of things that I have done over the years to help me with self-esteem. At work, I keep a kudos folder where I place every nice thing that someone says about me. I don't keep every simple thank you, but the comments where people took extra time to express appreciation for something I helped them with. Keeping positive affirmations on my computer, my mirror, etc. I type scriptures on beautiful backgrounds and place them in all around. I also keep nice poems and sayings that I find. I also feel great when I take time to do something for myself. Like getting a pedicure, buying a new tube of lipstick or bath products. I work from home 4 days a week so I sometimes prepare a special meal for myself while my family is away during the day.

Also, fulfilling a longtime goal also helps. I realized that I have my own path in life just like everyone else and to compare myself with someone else is not fair. It may take me to 2 years to do something that takes someone else 6 months, but the point is that I complete it, not the time. Take care.

When i get like that i look back in the mirror and find one thing i like...then i focus on that. I have put on extra weight also due to meds and i think that is a big self esteem killer. Try to make yourself laugh...i just say to myself at least i got boobs from the weight! I know there is something about you that is beautiful, you just have to find it...

Also a fun thing to do is put something sexy under your clothes, a lacy bra or even thigh highs. I know it sounds crazy but only you need to know about it and it makes you feel good about yourself!

I am so sorry, i know how this feels. I wish you luck :-)