oh sweetie......
i completely know how you feel. and what an odd feeling it is when you realize you're excited to go to work because you'll actually get away from children and you'll have adult interaction, and you wont be staring at that pile of laundry and dishes that you've been procrastinating.
i have a little boy that i love more than anything in existance in this world, and right now, he's got a little sister growing in my tummy, arriving in september. i've been a SAHM since january. i used to be a manager of a multi unit apartment community and i absolutely LOVED what my job was. it was an odd series of events that landed me home for good, and it certainly has its amazing advantages but it has its disadvantages too.
for some reason, its considered bad to admit you have negative feelings about staying home with your little ones...yet there are people in our society that think being a stay at home mom is the "easy way out". i just read today that moms would get paid $135,000 per year if they actually got paid to do what they do every single day for free. imagine that! manual labor, housekeeping, nannying, teaching.....none of those jobs pays very well by themselves, but are very difficult and demanding, and we do them all for free. when you were nursing several days a week, you got paid to do what you were doing, and you got to clock out, even on the days that seemed like they'd never end. there is no time clock where you are now. your patients eventually were discharged. your kids will never be discharged, especially on the days that seem like they'll never end. of course you're feeling overwhelmed!
so how do you make it better? how do you save yourself in all of it? you know......i'm still having a hard time answering those questions. BUT, i have started to find balance. any housework i'm going to do, i make sure i do it only in the morning. nap time is my cut-off point. its my goal to have a little bit to do each day, but honestly, i'm such a procrastinator. many times i'll have to do all my laundry in one day, or clean both bathrooms and the kitchen, or any combination of those things with grocery shopping or the other chores that add up. anyway, my point is, draw a line. make a point where you stop. for me, its nap time. and then when nap time gets here, its ME TIME. yeah, i'm shackled to the confines of my home, but i can do whatever i want, and it is strictly for ME. i find sitting outside reading is nice because it feels like i'm getting away sort of, and reading is something i never ever made time for when i was working. obviously there's dinner, and then the after dinner dishes. try to do any dinner prep you can before nap time, or whatever your cut-off point is. make dinner as easy as possible on yourself. i am shamelessly addicted to my crock pot. if you don't have one, go get one. there are recipes all over the internet. you will use significantly less dishes, and it frees up your entire evening for family time.
i spend my afternoon after nap time completely dedicated to play time with my boy. during that time, let it be completely about your little ones. forget about the house, the bills, the food, whatever. just make it about them! we forget that having kids is the perfect excuse to BE kids. obviously, that's so much easier said than done, but its a great goal to have. just hearing him laugh unrestricted by worry lessens any stress i may be feeling. its so cool to just get lost in that feeling of joy that kids have effortlessly.
the other thing that i find vital for my sanity: have something that is mine and has nothing to do with my family. i think its a very common disappointment to realize that simply being a stay at home mom just isn't as fulfilling as some women expected it might be. sure its the best gift we can give our children and ourselves, but it really doesn't nourish the more selfish part of our souls. we can't forget that before we became mommies, we had goals, passions, and hobbies. are there any goals, passions, or hobbies that you let go of when you had your first child? or perhaps since then, you've seen something that you'd like to try but just haven't made time for. for me, i've discovered that there is a world of need in salisbury (md) for childbirth education and support for women who are pregnant. i've begun the certification program so that i can teach classes, and next, i plan to become a doula. that whole process is something that i can do with my nap times and after bedtimes, for the most part. its something that i am doing without anyone else in my family, and its something that i have a selfish joy in. i feel i have my own purpose again beyond mommy, and that has boosted my happiness and, believe it or not, desire to upkeep the house.
i know this is a rediculously long response, but i have to tell you, i understand so well what you're going through. i've been going through so much the same thing. its incredibly hard to realize that you're not yourself and have no idea how to get yourself back. my hubby has a job that keeps him away from the house all the time. there are some weeks that i wont see him for days at a time (although those weeks don't happen every week..... but they are frequent). his job is an on-call sort of situation, so i can't depend on him to be here literally at any point in time. the whole house rests on my shoulders, and if i don't do it, it wont get done. its been an extremely hard adjustment, but remembering to have my selfish moments and persuits has made all the difference. we're so much better at giving to others when we take the time to give to ourselves.
good luck to you K., and please don't hesitate to send me a message if you struggle more with this. i still have my bad days (more often than i'd like to admit), so its very good to know there's someone else out there looking for help too. on a much lighter note, you know you're ALMOST a hopeless case when you think the blue wiggle is hot :) hahahaha
